Socially dysfunctional...

I've changed so much. Weird way to start a blog-- I know! I don't know what else to say. I feel like we're in a day and age where it's so easy to be social. Everyone is a text, voicemail, or facebook away. 10 years ago, that would be a dream, but it's my 27 year-old nightmare! I feel overwhelmed by it all. By the pressure. By the inability to ignore anything (or anyone) because of the many ways to be contacted. Maybe I have something wrong with me, but it's stressing me out!

I've been blessed with a heart that loves people. I do! So why is it that right now I can hardly stand anyone? I think I'm overloaded. Is it sad that I keep the friends I love the most away because I'm afraid I'll end up hating them? That others I keep away because they're so critical of me that I leave feeling like the worst person on the planet, but when they need something they call me? Am I too trusting? Am I a bad person for feeling that way? I have so many questions, and no answers.

I often feel like people love me for what I can do for them-- and not because I'm me. This isn't unfounded--sadly. Like the other night when I was supposed to do something for a friend, and a crazy stressful situation came up, and I had to deal with it first. I still followed through with what I said I'd do, it just took me a bit longer. It wasn't even very important. I left feeling so stressed out, and with my "friend" letting me know how disappointed she was even though she knew it was out of my control. I cared enough to help her out, but no one cared about me. Maybe that's selfish of me to say. But it's how I really feel. As soon as I stop "putting out" (intentional bad choice of words) or stop making all the effort, the friendship ends, or I'm the bad guy. Maybe it's not really a friendship at all. But it still hurts to know that as soon as I say no, or I need something, everyone is gone. It's even hard to write this because I don't want the criticism.

Today, someone I don't even know super well did something nice for me. It meant the world to me even though it was a small gesture. I enjoyed it, but couldn't help but wonder if she sometimes feels the same way I do. She has a lot to offer, and she does a lot for other people. She's been blessed in many ways, and likes to share the blessings-- which is awesome. I just know how people who are willing often get the short end. I hope she knows how much better she made me feel today-- and how thankful I am!

G Double O D Good.

Busy. That sums up my last month pretty well. I started a new job, am still doing my old one, still looking for a house, fostering two kittens, and still trying to find time to sleep, and spend more then 30 seconds a day with Matt. It's been a challenge. I'm definitely not bored-- so that's a great thing!

Matt took a day off last Wednesday, and I have Wednesday of every week off, so we took a trip to Santa Cruz. It was a fantastic trip! We napped on the beach, walked the Boardwalk, played mini golf (both of us got a hole-in-one at the end and each won a free game...score!). Then we played in the arcade. Matt played a game where you are adding air to a balloon until it pops. I went first, and added so much air, but no pop. Matt went next and hit it perfectly on the target that is an automatic win. The balloon popped, and the machine then popped out 600 tickets, which Matt gave to two little girls saving their tickets for a larger prize. Ah, I love him! Matt went body surfing, and I watched-- The weather was warm, but windy and the water was freezing! I picked up my phone once the entire time, then put it away for the duration. Before heading home, we headed to "Pizza my Heart" (of course) and then walked through the Italian Market next door. I drooled over the vegan cupcakes, but refrained for sheer lack of room!

On our way out of town, we both proclaimed that this had been the best day trip ever. No pressure, lots of fun, and a much needed break. I cherish those memories!

So, that being said-- life is good! Crazy, and hectic, but good!

Because I just don't have the energy to *really* blog today...

I'm stealing today's blog from my good cyber friend, Erin! Thanks Erin! :-)

Favorite thing to do on vacation: Sleep. After I'm well rested I love to explore by foot. Exploring by car freaks me out because I get very lost very quickly. I also enjoy the pool/spa if we're staying in a hotel!

Favorite thing to do when there isn't anything planned: Blogging, reading, goofing off on the Iphone, Napping.
Favorite US City: Not that I've been to many, but at the risk of sounding cliché, I love San Diego. I wouldn't want to live there, but I really love to visit.
Favorite city to visit outside of the U.S. of A.: Um. Mexicali? The only out-of-country travel I've done is to Mexico.
Favorite Board Game: Monopoly, Scrabble or Cranium. I LOVE most of them!
Favorite Food: Kase Knoepfla, Yellow Potatoes, Kugen (can you tell I'm german?), and almost any other ethnic food.
Favorite Music: I listen to it all. Last night I heard "Get Low" followed by "Voice of Truth" in random order on my iphone... lol!
Favorite Book: My Favorite is "Hinds Feet on High Places"-- hands down! But I have quite a few that I enjoy. I'm not into fiction very much though. I love biographies, Christian living, and even some self-help books. Depends on the day.
Favorite Pair of Shoes: My sparkle Chucks. However, they are dying. There is a hole forming in the big toe area, but that doesn't stop me from wearing them.
Favorite Color(s): Greens/blues/reds
Favorite thing to do to make someone else smile: I love to joke around with people. It's amazing how little jokes can lighten your mood!
Favorite gifts to receive: For the most part, getting gifts makes me uncomfortable. However, I am into practical gifts, and gift cards.
Favorite gifts to give: Whatever they want! :-)
Favorite Summer Activity: Being inside under an air conditioning vent, or in a pool. The heat makes me SOOO sick.
Favorite Winter Activity: Anything if it's by a fire...
Favorite Fall Activity: Decorating! I love fall decor!
Favorite Spring Activity: Gardening. I didn't plant a garden this year, and I really miss it!

These are a few of my favorite things...

Doesn't that just make you want to break out in song?? It makes me want to throw on some PJ's

and lay on the couch and watch the entire movie!

Ok, here it goes!

Space Saver Bags:

I'm a skeptic, but I've had strangely good luck with infomercial items. The Space Saver bags did not disappoint! All of mine and Matt's winter clothes, and jackets in 2 flattened bags! I wasn't sure what to do with them since we are so limited on space, so I'm storing them in a large suitcase under our bed! I'm going to go back to Target this afternoon for some jumbo-sized bags for our warm winter bedding, and extra pillows! Did I mention that sucking all of the air out is strangely entertaining?

100 Calorie Starbucks Frappuccino:

Uh huh! This makes me happy. Not only did I not continue on my caffeine detox, but I actually increased the amount that I drink. Bad-- SOOO bad! Between my allergy meds, and starting a new job, I've needed the extra energy! Not to mention that I've lost 20lbs in a month just watching my calories(which is a miracle with thyroid issues). It does contain artificial sweeteners, which I'm not a fan of, but once I can finally get this extra weight off, I'll worry about that. For now, I'm basking in the glow of low-cal!

Lavender Serenity Downey:

If you want soft, great smelling clothes, you HAVE to try this Downey! I am pretty allergic to smelly detergents, but I haven't had a reaction to this! It smells SOOO good! Matt even likes it, and he doesn't like any strong smells. I can't really explain it, but it's fantastic!

Right now I have lots of favorites, but these are my favorite favorites by far! ;-)

Complexity...

I want to be happy. I want to be successful at the right things. I want a life of love. I want fond memories. I want peace. I want hope. I want a joyful heart. I want a family. I want to do the right thing by others. I want to live a good life. My question is: Who doesn't? Who wouldn't want to live a good, happy life?

I know we all make choices that are against what we really do believe. We've all been hypocrites in one respect or another. However, I will never understand why people self-sabotage. Why people would intentionally wreak relationships with their loved ones. Why people seek rebellion from the right things, as if right things represent weakness. Why some people insist on making life so complicated-- not just for themselves, but for everyone in their lives. Those who live with a dangerous case of reckless abandon, and don't care what others think, or who they trample along the way. We should care about other people, and what they think to an extent-- Especially the ones that we claim to love!

It's been a long, emotional week. While things in my life have actually been seriously good, family issues keep coming up. Situations where if people cared about the feelings of others there would be no issue. It's hard to believe that some of these people thrive when things are complex, and dramatic. I like simple, straightforward, to the point-- but in a kind non-"bitchy" (for lack of a better term) way. You want me to be somewhere-- tell me. You want me to do that-- let me know what you want. I'm not a mind reader-- I have no crystal ball. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE dragging information out of people.

Rewind to last week. I asked a family member a question. "Would you want to go to (blank at blank on blank)?" (Matt and I had told this family member that there was a chance we would be out of town on this day, but plans changed) "" So I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get a straight answer. When I did, it turns out the person had other plans. So I not only wasted 20 minutes of my time, but the end of the reply was "If you want to come too, you'll have to call and ask so in so if it's ok.". I don't invite myself to events-- even though this was one of those family things that you typically wouldn't leave close family out of, I decided 1) If they wanted me to be there, I wouldn't have had to drag information out. and 2) It was an event with Matt's family, and he would be at work anyway, so I am perfectly fine and happy staying home. Apparently that was the WRONG choice.

Fast forward to the day of said event. As family is about to walk out the door, I in sweats, with my hair back in the middle of laundry, I am asked if I'm coming to lunch. I reply "no". When asked "why not" I reply "I wasn't invited". That's when it hit the fan. I had not planned on going, wasn't ready to go, then ended up being the bad guy because I wasn't going to an event that I wasn't invited to. Wah? They told Matt I ruined everything because I didn't go. Matt was already aware of the situation, and knew exactly what had happened, and defended me-- thankfully! I'm still not even sure how I ruined anything. I mean, if I was wanted, wouldn't the information be given to me? You don't wrap an invitation in duct tape if you want to person to be there, right? RIGHT? Just leave out all the shady crap and tell me what the freak you want!

I'd be lying if I said I didn't believe that maybe people set themselves up to be upset. This isn't the first time Matt and I have been left out. We've tried to communicate with them about it, but it always ends up a huge fight because "feelings" don't matter around here. "I feels" are met with eye rolls, and guilt tripping. After the last blow-up, we said "no more". Honestly though, leave me out-- but don't exclude Matt. It hurts him so much, and his pleas to be included are met with more of the same. It's heart-breaking. I just don't get it. Why make things so difficult? Why the strife? Why the fighting? So we're at the point where we just stop trying and start living our own life. We want joy and happiness. We want success in the right things. Dramatic crap is not part of what we want.

I cracked...

I've been trying my hardest to give up caffeine! I did so well for weeks, but today ::EPIC FAIL:: (That was for you, Sarah Y.!). Yes, I went to Starbucks on my way to the DMV, and enjoyed every single sip of my extra-hot, non-fat, vanilla latte! Mmmmm! It turned my stomach into a hot pit of sugary goodness! De-light-ful! Of course, now my heart is crazily beating out of my chest-- which is the very reason I decided to give it up in the first place. Ah. I don't regret my decision too much--I definitely needed the jump-start this morning!

Speaking of indulgence, I've been back on the diet wagon the last couple of weeks. The weight thing has been the biggest obstacle in my life, not because of how I feel about myself, but how other people feel. I've been an emotional eater since childhood. It doesn't help that if I'm not outright dieting I gain weight--so I always have to think about it. The catch 22 with emotional eating is that as soon as someone makes a comment about my weight, I want to turn to food. When you struggle with weight, it's the first weapon people use when they're upset at you. I can't even begin to describe the hurtful (often deliberately so) comments that have been aimed in my direction by my family, my in-laws, friends, people I hardly know--craziness! If nothing else, what a lack of creativity! ;-) Yesterday ended up being an emotional eating day, but I kept myself in check. I over-indulged a bit, but not too bad. Letting the crap of other people prevent me from reaching my goals is my fault. I wish I had learned this lesson years ago!

+/-

+ The perfect pair of jeans. They were $10 at Marshals, and buy far the best $10 investment I've ever made.

- Adult acne. I have more acne now then I ever did as a teen. I've tried a million different treatments and am still getting break-outs. What gives?

+ Looking forward to getting away for our anniversary. Can't believe it's been 3 years!

- Allergy season--yuck!

+ House shopping.

- HOUSE SHOPPING!!

+ Netflix for Wii-- my new favorite thing! I'm not a huge movie fan, but TV shows galore!

- TV and internet-- what a time suck! I'm sitting on the computer, but there is a great big world out there to explore.

+ Good health, great memories, and lots of love! So for the most part, +++++++++++

:-)

Canvas

I've needed a change. Sure, changing the look of my blog is a small step, but a step nonetheless, right? Ah. I love blues and whites right now. Refreshing. The black was starting to look like the core of my lackluster wardrobe. However, that is an entirely different blog for another day!

I've had a lot to think about as of recent. Making plans, and decisions. Dreaming about future days. I'm a planner by nature. I feel like I can go with the flow when needed, but to be truly comfortable, I need some sort of plan. Even if the plan is to be lazy, or sometimes to not have a plan, at least that is the plan, ya know? Ok, maybe you don't. It's just who I am. Of course I feel like my control-freakishness need to plan is an area of my life that God has found it necessary to challenge. I'm well aware of this fact. I'm reminded every day that my life, and my plans are not my own. And every single day I fight it. It's no secret that my life is sometimes a real challenge. I'm learning that I can't change that. Not that there aren't areas I can change, but for the most part, this is the canvas I've been given for my life. All I can do is paint the picture of my life to the best of my ability on that canvas. Even if I mourn not having the canvas I want, or sometimes am insanely jealous of the canvas other people have. Deny it or embrace it, well, that is my choice.

I'm making some changes. Good changes. Healthy changes. Needed changes. It's been a slow start, but I believe in my heart that I can, and will do it. I will get to a place where I can accept and move on. I may not be able to change the way things are, but I know I can change how I deal with it. Every day is a new day-- a chance to start fresh--the chance to be different. I don't know why things are the way they are. I just hope my life starts to better reflect the hope I've been given.

With my life you have been so kind...

It happened. Not only did it happen, but it made me sort of laugh. I heard my first "Sarah walked away from God" rumor. Huh. Of course, it was from someone that doesn't even really know me-- which is to be expected. It's been almost 5 months since I've been to church-- not counting Easter with my sis-in-law. It's been a tough road, but I don't think I would trade it for anything. While I have questioned God very very much in those months, I haven't done it out of anger towards God ( though I'd be lying if I said bitterness was never part of our conversation) but of wanting to know why this had to happen, and what I need to be learning about God, church and myself. I feel like I've learned a lot. Funny how you can allow trials to seperate you from Him, or you can allow yourself to depend on Him to get through. I'm learning that when I "lean on my own understanding" I make stupid choices. I need help. I need wisdom.

I am thirsty. Probably more thirsty then I've ever been. But goodness, I have learned that I depended on going to church to satisfy that. I checked God off my list of things to do for the week, and went on with my merry, happy Christian life. I have a new found love and respect for Jesus. I'm in control of my relationship with Him-- if I don't make time to spend learning, praying, and sometimes just being quiet, I no
longer get false satisfaction of having gone to Church and paid my dues. It's on me. If my relationship with God is bad, it's completely my issue. Not that it ever wasn't my issue!

Now, I'm not bashing going to Church. In fact, I'm one part hesitent to fine a new church, and ten parts excited. But I really believe that I needed this. I needed to be on the outside looking in. I needed to be on my own a bit. Half to get over what I've been through (even though I'm still fighting through bitterness) and half to reaffirm my faith. In fact, even this misplaced comment has served me in a good way. I'm not trying to bash my accuser, but how narrow-minded to assume that someone has "fallen from grace" because they aren't going to church. I know I've been on the flip-side of that coin and judged others for leaving. How narrow-minded of ME. The reason it made me laugh is because I know all to well how it can be on the inside. Being on the outside is tough. Even though it's only the outside with Church. I will never look at "outsiders" the same way again.

He has been so kind to me. In my bitterness, my discontentment, my sometimes intense frustration over the whole thing. I don't deserve so much grace. But in the words of my good friends Relient K "I'm never falling out of favor with Him". And in the words of matts moms friend-- Kathy Hubbard "girl, you better own that!" I do! I own that! :-) not to mention the immense support he's provided me with. I'm so so so so
blessed!

P.S-- I wrote this entire post laying in bed on my iPhone! So forgive me if there are some crazy typos! Auto-correct can be a tricky thing! ;-)

More then life?

Easter was different this year. Matt had to work, so I hung out with his family, and spent most of my day in tears. I just don't fit in with them. I was fortunate enough to have a lovely extended family that just said no to drama-- especially during the holidays. My mom, dad, and sister didn't follow the "no drama" policy, but I spent each and every holiday with extended family. Thankfully. Because of that, I guess maybe my expectations are too high. I know the problem is me. Most holidays with Matt's family I throw myself into the "work" part. Cooking, cleaning, setting everything up. It's easier for me that way. But then I got accused of being competitive, or attention seeking, so I just don't do it anymore. It was just the only way to stay out of any drama, battles of wit, unfriendly debating, or whatever craziness is going on. I tried for a long time to fit in, but the only person I fit in with is Matt. This is his family dynamic. I have to keep reminding myself that this is how they work- except for Matt- which is why I was completely alone in a house full of people. I just need to remember this for next time. I have to make other plans.

Later in the day yesterday, Matt came over on his lunch break. I was relieved to see him, but I knew it would be short lived. I had a little emotional breakdown, and in response he told me to go hang out with his sister- who was also husbandless for Easter. I ended up going to an evening church service with her. At the beginning, I was just asking God to show me what I needed to know. To give me wisdom. As the Pastor prayed, he said "Jesus, we love you more then we love our very lives." That hit me like a ton of bricks. Not because I never heard that before, but I know it's what I was suppose to hear.

I don't love God more then I love my life. I wish I could say I did. I hold on to this life like it's all there is. And to be honest, my life isn't very pretty- at least not right now, and not even for the last few years. Matt and I are surrounded by drama, and insanity. We both have years of craziness that we're trying to heal from. Some personal stuff we're trying to figure out. And while in the mist of that we both feel tremendously blessed by the way God has protected us from a lot, and has given us both the desire to not repeat what we've been through, I know in my heart that complete healing won't come this side of heaven. I just don't know why I hold onto all of this so tightly. Why I fear death so much. Why I'm so afraid to hand my life over and tell God he's in control of it all. He is even if I don't like it. Maybe once I finally relinquish control is when things will really start to change. I'm starting to think that the only thing that holding on is doing, is keeping me from experiencing the life I could have, that life HE wants me to have.