Saturday, May 15, 2010

Complexity...

I want to be happy. I want to be successful at the right things. I want a life of love. I want fond memories. I want peace. I want hope. I want a joyful heart. I want a family. I want to do the right thing by others. I want to live a good life. My question is: Who doesn't? Who wouldn't want to live a good, happy life?

I know we all make choices that are against what we really do believe. We've all been hypocrites in one respect or another. However, I will never understand why people self-sabotage. Why people would intentionally wreak relationships with their loved ones. Why people seek rebellion from the right things, as if right things represent weakness. Why some people insist on making life so complicated-- not just for themselves, but for everyone in their lives. Those who live with a dangerous case of reckless abandon, and don't care what others think, or who they trample along the way. We should care about other people, and what they think to an extent-- Especially the ones that we claim to love!

It's been a long, emotional week. While things in my life have actually been seriously good, family issues keep coming up. Situations where if people cared about the feelings of others there would be no issue. It's hard to believe that some of these people thrive when things are complex, and dramatic. I like simple, straightforward, to the point-- but in a kind non-"bitchy" (for lack of a better term) way. You want me to be somewhere-- tell me. You want me to do that-- let me know what you want. I'm not a mind reader-- I have no crystal ball. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE dragging information out of people.

Rewind to last week. I asked a family member a question. "Would you want to go to (blank at blank on blank)?" (Matt and I had told this family member that there was a chance we would be out of town on this day, but plans changed) "" So I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get a straight answer. When I did, it turns out the person had other plans. So I not only wasted 20 minutes of my time, but the end of the reply was "If you want to come too, you'll have to call and ask so in so if it's ok.". I don't invite myself to events-- even though this was one of those family things that you typically wouldn't leave close family out of, I decided 1) If they wanted me to be there, I wouldn't have had to drag information out. and 2) It was an event with Matt's family, and he would be at work anyway, so I am perfectly fine and happy staying home. Apparently that was the WRONG choice.

Fast forward to the day of said event. As family is about to walk out the door, I in sweats, with my hair back in the middle of laundry, I am asked if I'm coming to lunch. I reply "no". When asked "why not" I reply "I wasn't invited". That's when it hit the fan. I had not planned on going, wasn't ready to go, then ended up being the bad guy because I wasn't going to an event that I wasn't invited to. Wah? They told Matt I ruined everything because I didn't go. Matt was already aware of the situation, and knew exactly what had happened, and defended me-- thankfully! I'm still not even sure how I ruined anything. I mean, if I was wanted, wouldn't the information be given to me? You don't wrap an invitation in duct tape if you want to person to be there, right? RIGHT? Just leave out all the shady crap and tell me what the freak you want!

I'd be lying if I said I didn't believe that maybe people set themselves up to be upset. This isn't the first time Matt and I have been left out. We've tried to communicate with them about it, but it always ends up a huge fight because "feelings" don't matter around here. "I feels" are met with eye rolls, and guilt tripping. After the last blow-up, we said "no more". Honestly though, leave me out-- but don't exclude Matt. It hurts him so much, and his pleas to be included are met with more of the same. It's heart-breaking. I just don't get it. Why make things so difficult? Why the strife? Why the fighting? So we're at the point where we just stop trying and start living our own life. We want joy and happiness. We want success in the right things. Dramatic crap is not part of what we want.

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