Wednesday, February 20, 2008

influenza = Not fun.

I am SICK. I don't have the sniffles, or even a cold. I have the FLU! I feel like death has tried to swallow me whole. I have a great husband that has been taking good care of me though. How grateful I am that he had yesterday off and was able to be with me!

My temperature has been a constant 101-103. It's miserable. I'm hoping and praying it will go down soon. I hear this will last about 3 days. I sure hope so!

So please, say a little prayer for me, will ya?

btw, I love popsicles!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Fear of fear itself...

In recent days I've been experiencing higher levels of anxiety then I normally do. My life is less stressful now then it has been, but I can't seem to shake it. I've suffered from anxiety issues my entire life.

I actually remember my first anxiety attack. I was all of 9 years old. My parents had a friend, Sandy, that owned a pet store. Me, being the animal lover that I am, begged my parents to allow me to help out occasionally at her shop. So one day, they dropped me off. As the day progressed, Sandy started to talk about God. I didn't "know" God personally at the time, but remember believing that he was a good guy. Well, she told me that God was coming back in like 300 days and that if I didn't go to church with her that I would be left behind, my parents would die and I'd be alone. That people would be starving and there would be war and earthquakes. I was freaked. In fact, I went in the bathroom and cried, then asked to call my parents to pick me up.

While I know the truth now and know that she was part of a cult, I am still haunted by her words. I started having nightmares about the rapture, which I experience often to this day. While every other Christian I know is excited about the day of Christ's return, I have never been so fearful of anything in my entire life. It's terrible. I've even mentioned it to a friend just to be dismissed as "stupid". Talk about adding insult to injury...

I believe that one event was just a precursor for my anxiety disorder. I guess it could be many factors. Never feeling protected by my parents, always being told I was just too emotional or sensitive whenever I got hurt, having to take care of myself a lot. I don't really know. I just know that I'm not in control. I wish that was comforting, but it's not. God and I are in a constant power struggle. Ok, let's be honest, there is no competition, I can't win that one. It's the hardest thing for me to accept. When things feel out of my control, I crumble into a pile of tears. I have panic attacks. I can't function. I can just pray. That's all. Even that is half-hearted.

I'm learning that while God is in control of everything, he affords us the strength to get through whatever it is that is troubling us. How often I depend on myself, Matt, friends or sometimes the occasional self-help book to get me through times like this. At one point I even had a prescription for a medication that I was told would help get me through it and another one to help me sleep. I filled them both in desperation for a break. I was too scared to take them and flushed them down the toilet... Too scared to take the meds to make me less scared... sigh...

The only thing I should be desperate for is a deeper relationship with Jesus. A deeper understanding of His will, a deeper level of trust in Him. Anything else would vastly pale in comparison. If only I could get that message from my heart into my head.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Charity and Its Fruits

I've been reading this book for quite some time. In fact, while I'm one to normally breeze through books, "Charity and It's Fruits" has given me a run for my money.

I search for hidden humor in all things. This book has none. Normally a book of this kind wouldn't last 5 seconds in my possession. I'd have sold it on e-bay or given it to a friend by now. It's so thought provoking though that even though I'm reading it a page at a time, I can't stop thinking about it throughout the day. Jonathan Edwards is an amazingly hard-core writer.

In recent days, I've struggled with forgiveness. Anger has stolen my joy and buried the commandment to "Love thy neighbor". It makes my heart heavy that I've allowed anger to steal that from me. While I'm trying to get past it, it's one of the hardest things I've endured. It's good though to go through it. I have more compassion for those that struggle with anger, as I've seen how hard it is to overcome.


"Do you think the injuries you have received from your fellow-man are more than you have offered to God? Has your enemy been more base, more unreasonable, more ungrateful, than you have to the High and Holy One? Have his offenses been more heinous or aggravated, or more in number, than yours have been against your Creator, Benefactor, and Redeemer? Have they been more provoking and exasperating than your sinful conduct has been to him who is the author of all our mercies, and to whom you are under the highest obligations?"

Gosh, I feel like such a sinner when I read this.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

My hands on lesson of reaping and sowing. Mostly sowing.

My gardening dream came true this week. I asked my father-in-law last week if there was any room to grow a tomato plant or two in their backyard (which is beautiful I might add). Thinking if there was any extra space I could use, it would be small at best, I thought the answer would be a "maybe". I was pleasantly surprised that he actually pointed to the right-hand side of the yard where it is over-grown with weeds and said I could have that entire side! Last year they planted more roses on that side, so I thought it just needed to be cleaned up again and that the roses were still alive. He informed me that they didn't make it, so if I was willing to do the work, I could plant a little garden! My heart seriously screamed with delight! There are also two smaller planters in the middle of the yard that he said I was free to use also! SCORE!!

So I asked Matt if my valentines’ gift could be some gardening stuff and he said I could get what I liked... double score! Sunday after church, we headed off to Lowes in search of some organic vegetable plants. To my dismay, I would have to wait a month. I decided I couldn't wait that long and that I'd grow from seed myself! I did however get some herb plants for one of the center planters. I got Parsley, mint, chocolate mint, sage, rosemary, basil, lavender, thyme and German Chamomile (tea time!!). I ordered the seed online a few months ago, but decided to just do half grown plants. Now back to seeds... ha ha. Organic please?

As I planted my seeds in small, indoor planters, I couldn't help but notice that each plant has special sowing instructions. Both hot and sweet peppers like heat, moist (but not wet) soil and all day sun, Zucchini likes lots of water, food and 6 hours of sun, green bean seeds have to be soaked overnight before planting and can't be planted outside until the indoor plant is 6 inches tall...etc...

Of course that made me think of the term "planting a seed in someone’s heart". No wonder the Bible used the seed as an example. The human heart and God mimics the relationship of seed and soil. Some hearts thrive when cared for one way and others another way. It made me think of how many seeds I've so carelessly sown, without caring for the heart of the person I shared God's love for. Leaving them to figure out how to get water without assistance. There is also a time to sow. This is why friendship evangelism weighs so heavily on my heart. I think some people aren't ready to accept God. So when the issue is forced, it can leave a relationship strained. If I plant a seed in the wrong season, it's less likely to grow or flourish. While I don't hide my relationship with God, I try not to scare people off with information they're not ready for.

When you harvest fruit, you can tell if it's ready when you can pull it off with a gentle tug. If you have to force it off the tree or the vine, it's not ripe for harvest. When I mention Christ to someone and they back away from the topic, they're not ready. So I can A. Keep tugging and potentially scare them off or B. let it go and continue to love them and be myself and pray for them. Of course there are those low-maintenance "seeds" that you can scatter and they'll grow in the strangest of conditions. However, that is quite rare.

So I guess my lesson was if I'm going to sow seeds, I better be prepared to care for them.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Better then I expected...

Last Tuesday was my first day of doing ministry in a long while. It feels good to be back, better then expected even. While I tend to be hesitant to move forward, I feel the holy spirit telling me that it's going to be ok.

Speaking of my good friend, the Holy Spirit. I never fully understood what people meant when they said how the spirit led them here or to do this or that. Because I tend toward the sensitive side, I've always been aware that I can't always rely on how I feel. I wonder how many times I actually dismissed the prompting of the Holy Spirit in an effort to suppress my own seemingly "over-emotional" feelings? Honestly, I don't even know if it works that way. When it comes to the "Spirit" I'm pretty clueless. That just proves how ungodly I really am.

Lately I've been praying that the Holy Spirit would reveal my sin to me. One reason is to recognize hidden sin so I can change it. Another reason is so I can be more amazed that I don't have to pay the penalty for my sin. How good is God that he saved us!? I, as a Christian become desensitized to the greatness of God. I constantly have to remind myself that what he did was an amazing gift! Not because I don't know, but because I want to feel the same way now as I did when it was all brand new. I crave those "first love" feelings that I felt towards God. Though with any "love" type relationship, I appreciate the deeper understanding that only comes with time. I've experienced that type of love only twice. My first with Jesus, and now my marriage to Matt. When the butterflies fly away and things are hard, the deep love remains. It's simply amazing.