And Another Cycle...

Over the last week my panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. After almost two months of only mild anxiety, I, small-mindedly, thought that season must be over. Obviously I was wrong. Bummer!

A series of painful headaches, and dizzy spells have had me pretty wrapped up in thinking something was very wrong with me. On a particularly stressful day of paperwork related to the purchase of our house, I became so dizzy at our Realtors house that I just sat down on the floor cupping my head in my hands, and praying for it to stop. The sweet Indian mother she is immediately brought me a glass of water, and some interestingly delicious crackers. It took almost 20 minutes for me to feel okay. It was madness. My anxiety has always manifested physically. Even my Thyroid condition came up during a really hard, stressful time in my early adulthood. I've always believed that it manifested as a result of constant stress.

I read a really interesting article the other day. Yes, very interesting, but also scary to me. It was talking about the way God brings people to himself-- how he allows certain trials into our lives so we have to look to Him. That His idea of  all things working for our good vastly differ from what we would ask for ourselves. While something in me hates to admit that this has worked, since there are days all I have is Him to get my through, the other part of me is just thankful that I have a source of hope. At the risk of sounding like a suicide risk, I was just telling Matt the other day that I now understand why people with severe anxiety and depression often take their own lives. It is torture to feel helpless to something everyday. During the worst panic attack I've ever had (complete with Matt telling me he was calling 911) I stopped praying that God would help me, and started praying he would take me. That was the night I realized how severe my problem was becoming.

Now that I've educated myself, and have taken the right steps to get the right help, things don't feel as out of control. Even the duration of the attacks have dwindled down from sometimes 2-3 hours of severe "freak out" to 10-20 minutes and not quite as scary as they were. This time I've only woken Matt up once in the middle of the night scared, while between August and October that number was 26 times. So things are slowly getting better, and I'm still married, so that's a bonus!

While I still wish that God would heal me from this, I am also trying to believe that this is Him giving me what I need. Why I need it, I don't know, but I will try my best to Honey Badger through it! :-)

An Invitation...

I'm still on track to go to Vet School, and I'm really excited. I'm taking the GRE next month, and while I'm nervous about the math because math is NOT my strong suit, I've also been studying really hard, and have scored well on my practice software, which makes me happy. Going back to school after thinking my years a a student were done has been a daunting experience. I wasn't confident that I could do it, but now I'm feeling good. I can absolutely do this! I find myself retaining more medical information than I ever thought I could retain. I'm constantly playing "Diagnose this patient" on a Veterinary website. Whenever I come across terms I don't know, I start researching them. I love problem solving. I've been able to write some articles, and have had two published! One on effective client communication, and one about working with rescue groups. I feel passionate and accomplished. Most of all, I feel happy!

I emailed a Veterinary professor from UC Davis last week to ask a question about one of his classes. He told me I should just come up and see for myself, and invited me to sit in some classes! So next month Im making the trip to Davis to visit their brand new teaching facility, and sit in on some classes. I'm so excited! Then I'll be attending their annual picnic with some friends/alumni to check out the program more. Even though Davis is not my first choice, I'm really looking forward to at least seeing what they have to offer!

It's nice to see dreams become realities. I've worked hard my whole life, yet never quite knew what I wanted to do. It's nice to have it figured out!

Broken Stained-Glass Windows, The Fragments Ramble On...

What to do when nothing is enough. A void that craves fulfillment. An insatiable hunger. An unrequited love.

How do you respond to someone who is unsatisfied despite effort by all?

This is a question I've frequently asked myself. Because I have this life filled with difficult, high maintenance people, I often have to reassess relationships. This is one burden I'd rather not bare. It's draining. It's frustrating. As much as I've been ignoring some of them out of sheer lack of time, they're always there. We're always trying to figure out the right way to go about it. Sometimes this makes me angry. Always trying to do the right thing while the other person doesn't really care. I struggle with resentment. Right now though, I'm annoyed and angry. Honestly, I shouldn't be because it's really not about me. However, having a "speck" in my eye pointed out over and over while the other person has a 2x4 sticking out of their eye is frustrating. I'm far far far from perfect, but gracious, is it wrong to pray that someone gains self-awareness and also that they learn to see beyond themselves? There is a whole world out there, and expecting it to revolve around you will always leave you disappointed.

**Side note: I know those of you with great, functional family and friends don't get it when I post things like this, so kindly ignore. However, feeling alone in this for years prompted me to be honest about the struggles I go though with my family. It's not always pretty or positive, but it's my life. It's real. It's sometimes brutal.***

Sometimes it's exhausting being around people that need constant attention, validation and praise, and be the bad guy if you don't constantly dish it out. To not only be the one someone calls on whenever they need something, but also the punching bag that they project all of their problems onto. To seriously get nothing out of a relationship that you have to be in. To not ever ask anything, yet still always be the bad guy. Something just set me off with it today. I just want to fix everything, but some things are not in my hands.

Today after feeling annoyed, the song "Art In Me" by Jars of Clay popped into my head. Mostly this lyric:

"In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, see the art in me"

I'm trying to "get" it. To understand this need for constant affirmation. To not feel resentment or frustration. To just to figure out why I've been the subject of so much strange competition and comparison, and not let it bother me when I see the injustice in the accusation. Because their issues don't have to be my issues. All I can do is pray for more compassion and less annoyance. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a struggle.