Sunday, March 17, 2013

Broken Stained-Glass Windows, The Fragments Ramble On...

What to do when nothing is enough. A void that craves fulfillment. An insatiable hunger. An unrequited love.

How do you respond to someone who is unsatisfied despite effort by all?

This is a question I've frequently asked myself. Because I have this life filled with difficult, high maintenance people, I often have to reassess relationships. This is one burden I'd rather not bare. It's draining. It's frustrating. As much as I've been ignoring some of them out of sheer lack of time, they're always there. We're always trying to figure out the right way to go about it. Sometimes this makes me angry. Always trying to do the right thing while the other person doesn't really care. I struggle with resentment. Right now though, I'm annoyed and angry. Honestly, I shouldn't be because it's really not about me. However, having a "speck" in my eye pointed out over and over while the other person has a 2x4 sticking out of their eye is frustrating. I'm far far far from perfect, but gracious, is it wrong to pray that someone gains self-awareness and also that they learn to see beyond themselves? There is a whole world out there, and expecting it to revolve around you will always leave you disappointed.

**Side note: I know those of you with great, functional family and friends don't get it when I post things like this, so kindly ignore. However, feeling alone in this for years prompted me to be honest about the struggles I go though with my family. It's not always pretty or positive, but it's my life. It's real. It's sometimes brutal.***

Sometimes it's exhausting being around people that need constant attention, validation and praise, and be the bad guy if you don't constantly dish it out. To not only be the one someone calls on whenever they need something, but also the punching bag that they project all of their problems onto. To seriously get nothing out of a relationship that you have to be in. To not ever ask anything, yet still always be the bad guy. Something just set me off with it today. I just want to fix everything, but some things are not in my hands.

Today after feeling annoyed, the song "Art In Me" by Jars of Clay popped into my head. Mostly this lyric:

"In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, see the art in me"

I'm trying to "get" it. To understand this need for constant affirmation. To not feel resentment or frustration. To just to figure out why I've been the subject of so much strange competition and comparison, and not let it bother me when I see the injustice in the accusation. Because their issues don't have to be my issues. All I can do is pray for more compassion and less annoyance. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a struggle.

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