Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Madness!


I probably shouldn't blog today. I'm not sure exactly why, but I've just been in a funk today. I find that as times goes on, my need for change grows stronger and stronger. What do I mean by "change"? Well, for one, I honestly need to move away from here. I know I keep saying that. I can't begin to explain all of the reasons why. I just feel torn down. I feel that while we do have some good friends here, sometimes the benefit of friends just doesn't outweigh the feelings of being downtrodden by what seems like every other relationship. Our family relationships are super frustrating. Matt and I both feel like we have to be the ones that hold everything together. Then, when we're spent, there is no one that holds us. There is so much drama, and carousing to get anyone to spend time together to build better relationships, that in the end, you just feel farther then you did before. We both crave this family life that neither of us have. We see these families that love to spend time together, and love each other wholeheartedly. Families that are functional, and well-rounded. Without being so high-maintenance. What i wouldn't give for one day in a "good" family. I'm not saying perfect, I just don't know how it feels to be in a family where people have functional relationships. Not this sick, twisted crap that Matt and I tend to have to go through. It's just getting to be too much to handle.



I've tried praying, but honestly, my prayers are half-hearted. As much as I'm ashamed to admit it, I have little hope that things will get better. Matt and I are trying to turn things around in our lives. We're trying to learn how to have a functional relationship with each other, so one day our (intermediate) family will be functional, and that our kids will know how to have functional relationships. It's so hard to break that when it's all you're surrounded by. What choice do we have though? There is no way I could live like this forever. There is no way that I could put my kids through the kinds of things we've been put through.

I know this is something that I need to keep handing over to God, but then as soon as I hand it over, I'm taking it back. As much as I don't want to own it, I own it every day. It's super frustrating, and we have little encouragement in our lives to do otherwise. It just seems like one problems is compounded by another, which is perpetuated by another. I just don't know how to end it, other then moving away from it. So maybe that really is the answer here. I don't know. All i know is that I want to madness to end, pronto!


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Treading lightly...

I started a blog last July in hopes that people that struggle with their weight could join and we could support each other. Sadly, it never caught on, and so I stopped blogging on it. Well, I decided that I'm going to start blogging there again in hopes that it could form an (online) community of of support for people either struggling on their journey to health, who just started their weight-loss journey, or pretty much anyone else that wants to improve their overall health through diet and exercise. It doesn't matter what plan you're doing, all that matters is a willingness to fight the battle together!

I've always struggled with weight. As a child I wasn't super overweight, but I wasn't skinny either. Of course, through the years it crept up on me. Now I'm really looking to turn it around, and lose a decent amount of weight. I am about 11 pounds lighter then I was at this time last year, but I still have quite a bit to go. I know that without a support system, I will fail. It's the same reason why people who attend their Weight Watchers meetings regularly are more successful. We need to know we're not alone. We need to know that when we do fail, we have others to help us get back on the bandwagon and keep on keepin' on.

So will you consider it and join me? No pressure. But if you're struggling with weight-loss, at least think about it! Life is too short to live it being unhappy about you're weight! Today is the day to do something about it!
:-)

So here is the link to my health blog

www.learningtotreadlightly.blogspot.com


Hope to see you there!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Big Kahuna

This is probably my favorite movie scene of all time. Forgive the one (faily mild) profanity. I wish more people would think in these terms when it comes to "pitching" Jesus.



Friday, January 9, 2009

No sleep 'till Brooklyn...





I didn't sleep last night. Oh how I was hoping that the 3 consecutive nights of great sleep marked the end of my troubles. Sadly, they didn't. A few of my friends have had issues with insomnia. To be honest, while I've always struggled with nightmares, I never took them all that seriously. I had preconceived notions about what they were doing to cause their sleep problems. Now I feel quite foolish for thinking that way. Like I've mentioned before, my issue is with anxiety. I can't seem to shut it off. It's so frustrating.


In better news, I'm excited to be going out for a girl's night tonight! First to BJ's for dinner, and then to "Barcode" a place to dance in Sacramento. I'm really looking forward to it! Depending on who I'm with, I tend to have more control over any social anxiety. Like tonight I'm going out with Jenny. She's the best! I just feel really comfortable with her, so even though my normal security blanket (Matt) won't be there, I know Jenny understands me, and doesn't think I'm (really) crazy :-)


I've been able to spend some time alone as of recent, and that has seemed to recharge me quite a bit. While on occasion I do get kind of lonely, most of the time I have this insatiable need to have silence. It allows me to have quiet time, and to reflect. It gives me time to be a better wife, and a better friend. While sometimes it's hard to make time for myself, I can usually manage enough to get me through the day. Even if it's just spending 5 extra minutes in the shower to plan out my day, and to really relax. Sometimes I feel really guilty because with this lack of sleep, I'm not functioning at 100% (I'm usually wiped out by 8pm) and at the end of the day there are often things left undone. I also feel like I really need that few extra minutes to myself each day in order to deal with normal life stresses. I've always felt like God has put roadblocks in my path to slow me down. Maybe this sleep issue is one of those times? Who knows!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

My top ten song picks of 2008...





I figured that since I'm musically obsessed, that I should post my top ten (pop) faves of Oh8 :-)



10.Flo Rida F/T-Pain-Low

I went to 7 weddings in 2008. This song was played at every single one! It is quite the dance tune!


9. Metro Station- Shake it

This song is way too catchy. It ended up being played over and over on our trip to Disneyland. However, I do not recommend Metro Station in concert.... they're awful!


8.Gavin Degraw-In Love With A Girl

I have a special place in my heart for Gavin. We saw him before he was really "big" at The Fat Cat. It was my 21st birthday and he sang Happy Birthday to me. His music is awesome!


7.Boys Like Girls-Thunder

I love this song. Along with every Jr. high kid in the US


6.Gavin Rossdale-Love Remains The Same


5.Colbie Caillat-Realize

I really like her. Hoping that she stick around!


4.Taylor Swift-Teardrops On My Guitar

Another girl country cross-over that I love!


3. John Mayer-Say

I can't tell you how many times this was blasted in my car. Love it! Probably my theme song for the year!


2.Coldplay-Viva La Vida


1.Matt Nathanson-Come On Get Higher

This is definitely my favorite of 2008!


Some Honorable mentions go to:


We The Kings
Check Yes Juliet


Shontelle
T-Shirt


Linkin Park
Shadow Of The Day


Jason Mraz
I'm Yours


Jordin Sparks F/Chris Brown

No Air


Sara Bareilles
Love Song


Natasha Bedingfield
Pocketful Of Sunshine



I think 2008 was a good year for music!


Hopefully 2009 will be even better!



Monday, January 5, 2009

Reasons why some of the best kind of ministry happens outside of the box (and the church)...





Ok, so you might be thinking that the term "out of the box" has been severely overused. I agree, yet I have no other way to describe it. Maybe "out of the bag" or "beyond the norm". Whatever.




In recent days, I've been really thinking about ministry. You see, I'm not involved in any sort of formal ministry. Sure, I teach Sunday school on occasion, and fill in here and there for random church events, but this has been the longest time in my Christian walk that I haven't been actively serving in a formal setting. It can be slightly disheartening because you are stuck with all of the legwork. Also though it's rewarding to be able to do ministry without the sometimes present "Church red tape".


However, I also believe that if you're committed to ministry, then you don't necessarily need the structure of a church setting. In fact, sometimes serving in in the church is the most constricting place to serve. I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't serve in the church (I am no advocate for a Christian "bra-burning" of sorts) In fact, I believe that as the body of Christ, we should be serving in our home church. I just think that we've been given individual gifts that we can use outside of our church box. Here are some reasons I believe why serving outside of the church is a good thing.


1. The constrictions of Church ministry.

On occasion, you may be serving in a place where there are so many restrictions as to how you can serve, that your gifts can't be used to the fullest. For instance, in no fault of the churches, we're in a economic downfall, and churches just don't have the funds to pay for all of the creative ministry ideas people have. So many people just give up. I say if you're creative enough to come up with a good idea, then you could probably come up with a way to raise funds for it. In addition, when you get financial backing from an organization, you're required to allow them some input. Considering people (even Christians) don't always see eye to eye, if you really want to be able to do things that way you think they'll work the best, then unless you share the same vision of the representing party of the church, maybe you should do it yourself.


2. A lot of Church leaders are still inside the box.

I'm blessed to be a part of a church where the leaders are pretty creative about ministry. However, even I have experienced my share of "interesting" views. I was once invited to be a part of a class about the way to lead others to Christ. I attended one class. Basically it was "seek out non-Christians", "Share 4 spiritual laws", "ask if they were going to die tonight, where they would go", "invite them to church", "Ask if you can pray for them". To pass the class you had to lead two people to Christ. Uh, no! Sorry, but I don't force the gospel on people. This is not 1971 anymore where you can show a scary rapture movie, and have everyone come to Christ. People want to see the way you live, want to be cared about, want to be loved... no strings attached. Not even to lead them to Christ. If we're living the way we are suppose to be living, we won't have to do very much formal preaching. If people have questions, I'll gladly answer, but I just try to focus on loving people.


3. We lock ourselves in the box by not accurately assessing our gifts.

I've always been involved in youth ministry. It just always seemed like a natural fit for me. It was just the other night that I realized why. God has given me a personality that attracts that age. Matt and I were at a wedding on new years eve. We went to sit down with a friend, and slowly but surely our table was filled to capacity with Jr. high kids. At first I wondered if I mistakenly sat at the kids table, but I soon realized that they just wanted to sit with us (I hope that doesn't sound cocky, I don't mean it that way). Some of the kids I knew, but there were a few I had never met. We had a blast with them! I just think that we need to see what we're good at, and do that. I'm good at relating to Jr. high and high schoolers. Even though I'm not serving in the youth department at our church, I can still take a kid out to lunch, or provide a listening ear. Don't just rely on those "spiritual gifts tests" that churches are pushing. It's possible that you might have a gift so "out-of-the-box" or even something so common that it's not listed there. There are needs everywhere! Even if you think your gift is small, it usually means something to someone!


4. Because in church, you're usually serving fellow Christians.

Not that we shouldn't take care of our brothers and sisters, we should come together a love each other. I'm just saying that there is a whole world out there beyond the people who attend church. I recently attended a Sara Groves concert. She talked about reading a book by Gary Haugen, the CEO of the International Justice Mission. He has seen the worst of the worst of social injustice. she shared this quote from him, and it gave me chills; 'I used to ask, "Where is God?" Now my plea is, "Where are God's people?"' How true is that?? I'll never forget that story because it hit me so hard. We're so comfy in our shiny, happy communities, that sometimes we simply forget the world full of people that have never been served at all.


5. Because Jesus was always on the outside of the box.

Seriously, I don't remember a time in the Bible where Jesus did what people expected him to do. If Jesus was hanging out inside of the box, then he wouldn't have had much impact. Instead, he did the exact opposite of what people expected him to do. Sleeping through the storm, making mud out of spit and rubbing it in blind eyes, breaking all the "rules". Yet he was perfect. Everything he did was memorable.


My point is that we can't put limits on ourselves. Sometimes you have to "break the mold" and "reinvent the wheel". It doesn't mean the old wheel is no longer useful, it just means that we can use our own individual gifts to serve. It means we can be creative. I mean, take a look at the new generation of Christians. I'm so proud of all of the fun, "abnormal" ways people are making an impact in the kingdom!







A new year, and a new look...

So I'm sure you've noticed that my blog has a new look! After taking at least a week to figure out how to use .xml to change my template, I finally figured it out tonight. I thought maybe a pretty blog would help me to get inspired to write more... oh yes! So enjoy the crazy loudness that is my new blog design. I love it!

Friday, January 2, 2009

Thursday, January 1, 2009

First blog of the year...





Matt and I rang in the new year partying it up at a friend's wedding (Congrats Blythe and Jason!!!). Lots of music, good food and dancing! Besides that fact that Matt and I were followed/watched all night by some of our favorite people (note sarcasm, it was seriously strange), it was a good time had by all! We played a game at our table to win the centerpiece, and I won. It's a giant balloon with a heap of smaller balloons attached. While it's beautiful, I tried to pawn it off on others all night to no avail. So we brought it home. We're trying to figure out what funny thing we could do with it...lol! Of couse, Matt is sick, and running a fever today, so he may have partied a little to hard last night.

I'm looking forward to the coming year! 2009 is going to bring lots of changes to the Sciarini house, all of which I'm pretty excited about. One is Matt going back to school. That is both exciting, and a bit nerve wrecking. Because the economy, my freelance work has been pretty slow. It's not too awful, but I'm thinking I need to get some sort of regular part time job to go along with it. Of course, the job market here is awful (the unemployment rate for our county is 12%...yuck!), but I'm sure I could swing something. I've even thought about working at Starbucks part time. I mean, why not? All of my other under-employed friends with degrees work there...lol! I just know if I stop my freelance work completely to get a "real" job, then I'll have to re-establish a client base if I ever want to go back to freelance (like when we decide to have kids) Because Matt is looking at 6+ years of school. If we wait to have kids until he is finished, that puts me at 32 before we start having babies (and Matt and I want a large-ish family). I'm in no rush, but I don't want to wait that long! I just know we'll want the extra income.

The other big one is possibly moving to a different town. We've both decided that we don't want to live super far away, but both want the chance to move away from what we've always known. We can always come back. We feel like we never really had much of a chance to establish ourselves apart from this place (not to mention we both have interesting family drama that we tend to have to take on ourselves). We just want to do our own thing for awhile, with less expectation from everyone. Not to mention we would love to find a new church where we can serve wholeheartedly. I don't think it's wrong, or selfish. Of course, because I tend to feel guilty about everything I do that could even remotely result in my own benefit, it took me some time to get there. But I'm positive I'm there!

I've also decided to keep on with my veggie/mostly organic lifestyle. I don't know how I lived any other way. The difference in the way I look, and feel is enough for me. My thyroid levels even tend towards the normal side without medication, which is awesome. Not to mention, I feel like I'm doing something good on the behalf of mistreated animals, and the health of the earth. However, this year I want to get more creative with my meals, and try to phase out more animal products. Even though Matt still eats meat on occasion, he is super supportive of my changes, and is totally cool with meatless meals, as long as they taste good. I've been really hesitant about even mentioning my food choices, because the majority of people in my life that have had negative reactions. It always strikes me as odd when people get defencive about the meat thing. I always tell people that what they put in their bodies (or choose not to) is a very personal thing. Unless there is some sort of eating disorder, I don't think it is of anybodies concern. I don't expect people to have a meatless meal for me at dinner, I don;t expect people to abstain from meat when they're with me, I don't tell people to become vegetarians, because it's not my place. so please, if you eat meat, know we're still good and I don't at all judge you. It's about your personal level of conviction. You never have to be defensive. I'll step off of my soapbox now...

Anyway, here's to 2009! Woohoo! Can you believe how fist time goes by? Crazy!