Wednesday, January 21, 2009


I probably shouldn't blog today. I'm not sure exactly why, but I've just been in a funk today. I find that as times goes on, my need for change grows stronger and stronger. What do I mean by "change"? Well, for one, I honestly need to move away from here. I know I keep saying that. I can't begin to explain all of the reasons why. I just feel torn down. I feel that while we do have some good friends here, sometimes the benefit of friends just doesn't outweigh the feelings of being downtrodden by what seems like every other relationship. Our family relationships are super frustrating. Matt and I both feel like we have to be the ones that hold everything together. Then, when we're spent, there is no one that holds us. There is so much drama, and carousing to get anyone to spend time together to build better relationships, that in the end, you just feel farther then you did before. We both crave this family life that neither of us have. We see these families that love to spend time together, and love each other wholeheartedly. Families that are functional, and well-rounded. Without being so high-maintenance. What i wouldn't give for one day in a "good" family. I'm not saying perfect, I just don't know how it feels to be in a family where people have functional relationships. Not this sick, twisted crap that Matt and I tend to have to go through. It's just getting to be too much to handle.

I've tried praying, but honestly, my prayers are half-hearted. As much as I'm ashamed to admit it, I have little hope that things will get better. Matt and I are trying to turn things around in our lives. We're trying to learn how to have a functional relationship with each other, so one day our (intermediate) family will be functional, and that our kids will know how to have functional relationships. It's so hard to break that when it's all you're surrounded by. What choice do we have though? There is no way I could live like this forever. There is no way that I could put my kids through the kinds of things we've been put through.

I know this is something that I need to keep handing over to God, but then as soon as I hand it over, I'm taking it back. As much as I don't want to own it, I own it every day. It's super frustrating, and we have little encouragement in our lives to do otherwise. It just seems like one problems is compounded by another, which is perpetuated by another. I just don't know how to end it, other then moving away from it. So maybe that really is the answer here. I don't know. All i know is that I want to madness to end, pronto!

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