Control.

I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to write here in the last 6 months. My issue with writing has never been an inability to find words, but rather getting my jumbled thoughts out in a manner suitable for reading. That being said, I should really write a book. My life is downright print-worthy. Thank goodness that I find humor in the crazy!

I feel as if I'm being refined in many ways. This is something that I've wanted and prayed for, for some time. To refine means to get out the impurities, and to only have the purest parts remain. I, admittedly, have some emotional baggage. I mean, who doesn't, right? I've been working on releasing some of those things I hold onto, but it's hard. I feel like I've grown a ton. even in these last few months. Of course, in some ways I feel as if I've grown out the expectations of some. However, I think like it's merely a side-effect of change. Doesn't mean it's bad. Just different.

The biggest thing I'm learning is that I'm not as "in control" as I've thought I am. There are lots of things completely out of my control. The biggest issue I have is not being able to control how much people like me. Which is SO silly. It goes against everything I believe about being a genuine person. It's the one thing I would change about myself in a heartbeat. Trying to stay in the good graces of people, and make everyone happy all the time is like sucking your own soul out through your pores. It's gruesome, and bloody. In the end, I usually end up on the losing end of that battle.

So, I've been saying "no". A good friend once told me to "Practice your no's". It's true that practice makes progress. It's amazing how much more I enjoy my life by learning to say yes to the right things, and no to the wrong ones. When I say yes to the wrong things, I end up heavy in anxiousness--much more then the anxiousness of having to tell someone no, and the fear that they'll hate me. I take on things I can't do 100% because I'm already spread too thin, but then my perfectionism comes out, and I end up beating myself up when it's not perfect, thus rendering myself a failure in my own eyes. A vicious cycle.
I know people aren't use to this part of me- which scares me the most. But I have to do this in order to be healthy.