Thursday, October 13, 2011

Pajamas, Pillows, and my Little Slice of Web.

I'm blogging from bed today. Sure, it's 11:26, and I've already been up, and (somewhat) productive-- but my house is empty and quiet, and Matt's not here to give me a hard time about it (ha!), so here I am--pajama-clad and pillows stacked high.

September was a rough month. You know those times you just can't get it together? One thing after another was going wrong. I spent far too much time feeling over-the-top emotional. Ugh! Between our bank account getting hacked, Matt working out of town, me driving off with gas pumps, my (sort of) crappy birthday, and totally losing my voice-- I was just done! SO glad to be in October! This month has been much softer to me!





  • Some time spent with people who I truly like.


  • Restored bank account!


  • A new, welcomed work schedule (might actually feel married again!).


  • A really great Jars of Clay concert.


  • Narrowing down what Vet schools to apply to.


So far, I'm loving October! Of course, now that it's fall, my heart gets all excited about the holidays, cool weather, costume-clad children, pumpkins, hot drinks, hooded sweatshirts, apple hill, piles of leaves, and puddles. The change of the season really tends to lift my spirits!



Before I know it, I'll be decorating a Christmas tree, carefully wrapping Christmas gifts while sipping hot peppermint mochas, listening to Christmas music almost non-stop, making fudge, and sugar cookies frosted with buttercream, and topped off with red hots.



I can't wait!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I've never felt so stupid.

I've done some exceedingly stupid stuff. I trip, fall, cut myself, sprain extremities, stick my foot in my mouth, etc, on a fairly regular basis. I've become fairly accustom to my clumsiness/social awkwardness.

Rewind to yesterday.

I was having a bit of a rough morning. A (very) stupid argument occurred with a family member, and I left feeling frustrated, and totally defeated. I was on my way to work, and needed to stop to get gas. I normally pay at the pump, but a week and a half ago our bank account was hacked. They wiped our account clean, and we're still cleaning up the mess. We don't have new ATM cards, so I went in and paid cash. I came out, and started pumping our gas. I noticed I had a Starbucks cup that needed to be tossed, so I collected it, and a few other pieces of trash to deposit in the bin. Then I got in the car, started it, and drove away.

I. Drove. Away.

I heard what sounded like something rolling off of the roof of my car. Then I happened to glance in my side-view mirror.

It was the fuel nozzle and hose STICKING OUT OF MY GAS TANK!! The entire hose was pulled off and stuck in my car.

I get out of the car, and everyone is staring at me. That's when the tears came. Followed by sobs. I completely lost it! I take the nozzle out of my car, and start walking back into the gas station. They give me some paperwork to fill out, but I'm crying so hard I can't even read it. Thankfully it happened at a gas station I go to often, and the ladies are super nice. They assured me that it happens all the time. One of the ladies even got me something to drink. I paid the $200 to replace the part that was broken, and walked out.

The police were there. Oh Dear God!

This officer had no idea what he was dealing with. As soon as he asked me what happened, I start sobbing again. I couldn't help it. He stops questioning me, and tells me everything is going to be okay. Ha! Then he told me I could go, but to sit in my car for a bit to calm down.

Have I mentioned Matt is working out of town all week? Just my luck. So I'm trying to calm down, while driving to work, but I needed to talk to Matt about what happened. As soon as he picks up I start sobbing--AGAIN! He couldn't understand what I was saying, and when I finally got it out, I could tell he was trying not to laugh at my misfortune. He assured me that it was all going to be okay, and asked if I wanted him to come home. I didn't. I would've felt worse knowing he left work because of my stupid mistake!

I get to work, and try my best to avoid everyone until I can clean myself up. That didn't happen. As I'm retelling the story, I'm alternating between crying, and laughing. By that point I felt so emotionally unstable that I didn't know what to think.

The moral of the story; Matt is pumping my gas from now on.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Early Morning Musings


Sometimes I forget how much I love early mornings. I've always been a bit of a morning person, but my schedule has turned me into a bit of a night owl by necessity. I love the stillness of the morning. The crisp, cool air. The quiet.

Notice I didn't say "Peace".

I've always thought it to be interesting that the words "peace" and "quiet" are often spoke of like one must go with the other. Like unless it's quiet, peace will not come. Like peace is somehow based on the conditions that surround us.

In my life, and in my heart, that has ceased to be true.

In fact, when I'm alone, in the quiet, that is when I tend to be the least at peace. I love the quiet in theory, but the wheels in my head start turning, and the anxiousness starts to set in. I have to start fighting back the lies I tell myself. The biggest lie being that my worrying somehow changes the outcome of things I'm anxious about.

It doesn't.

It's a false sense of security. A false sense of control. While I may have a lot of things on my worry list (like moving, GRE testing, staring down the barrel of a $200,000 student loan) not one ounce of worry is going to help.

Maybe one day I'll find peace in the quiet-- but today I'm wearing headphones.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Reaching out...

A few weeks ago, I heard good news about some people we used to be close to. We haven't spoken to them in awhile. To be honest, things were a bit tense the last time we did see each-other, though I'm not quite sure why. I wanted to congratulate them on their "good news", so I sent a little email. No response. I wasn't really waiting for a response, more that I just happened to remember that I sent an email, and then happened to notice they never wrote back. That's when the feelings of rejection started to creep up.

Sarah today is a much different girl then Sarah 5 years ago. I'm much more secure in myself. I'm not really afraid to share my opinion, or disagree if I think something is wrong. Not in an "in your face" sort of way, but I don't just nod and smile anymore. I'd love to be able to say that my insecurities about being rejected are gone. Obviously this situation proves that I still have those insecure feelings inkling somewhere inside.

As for the relationship, not sure where to go from here. It's always really sad when good relationships go bad, especially when you can't quite put your finger on why. I am, however, genuinely happy for them.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Announcement!

In a little over a year, I will be applying for Vet School! I'm so so so excited to start my new educational venture! I never really thought I'd pursue a career in any sort of medical field, but thankfully my current position has given me a great insight into veterinary medicine. I'm starting my prerequisites this coming fall. I'm attending my first informational session for St. George University next week in Santa Monica. I'm thrilled! :-)

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Summer...

I sat in the sun today. The temperature was much hotter then what I'm usually comfortable with, but today that didn't stop me. I wanted to feel it on my face. I wanted to soak in each ray one by one. I often take these simple pleasures of life for granted. The ability to sit and just relax knowing I'm doing alright. Life is good. I don't want to just "get through" the stages--I want to live them out, feel them, enjoy being human, enjoy being myself. I've been rekindling my love for simplicity the past few months. I got a little caught up in life's chaos for a bit. I'm thankful that I did though. Sometimes I need that to make me that much more thankful for the simple. Simple is just part of who I am. What makes me Sarah.







Oh the time I've spent trying to be someone else. Someone that I'm not. It always caused so much confusion in me. Coming to grips with the fact that I can't choose who I am. I'm never going to like Jazz clubs, or foreign films. I'm not ever going to love roller coasters. I'm not going to be happy as a teacher. I suck at math, and have to use spell check liberally. I don't enjoy reading fiction. I play tetris during church. I sing along with every song on the radio. I prefer a bath to a shower any day. If I buy low-fat ice cream, I eat two servings. I love the rain. I'm super-sensitive in good ways and bad ways. I like watching mindless tv. I love to get my hands dirty. I google 100 times a day. I crave knowledge. I can be messy. I like doing things for people. I like to create things. That is who I am. Instead of fighting it, I'm learning to be it. To accept both my strengths and my faults. The beautiful thing about it is that it's helping me allow others to be themselves. I never thought I'd be content just being me. Not only am I feeling content, but I don't think I'd want to be anyone else.




:-)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Abandoned.

Seems like I've sort of abandoned my blog. I'm still here, just more quiet then usual (if you can believe that).

Matt and have been busy. We just moved into a new place a few weeks ago--Thankfully. We didn't end up buying-- which had been our goal, but we're still in the market, just taking a step back to de-stress from the whole process. We're loving our new place! It's a stones throw from Stockton's Miracle Mile, which is really nice. We're enjoying taking nice walks around our new neighborhood with Scoutie in tow. We've been visiting tiny shops, and frequenting our neighborhood Starbucks.

It's so nice to have our space again. Though the actual moving/unpacking process has been VERY slow-going. Matt and have completely opposite schedules. He works mornings, I work evenings. Trying to make the best of it until we both have more flexibility as far as our current positions are concerned. We still have painting, unpacking, and shopping to do before we will be settled in.

We're just happy to be alone again. We've really needed the peace and quiet!


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Bucket list...

I was "catching up" with my friend Erin via her blog, and she had proposed a challenge to create a "Bucket List". Now, this is something I've never done. Not sure why--especially since it seems I make lists for everything else! The whole being on the cusp of the big 3 0 might have something to do with it...

1) Renew our vows on the beach.
Our wedding, the special, fun, exciting day it was, was dramatic. I really want to renew our vows with our truly close friends.

2) Travel to Europe.
I've only ever been to Mexico. We need an overseas vacation!

3) Go to a professional football game.
Would love to see Green Bay play!

4) Take a year off, and travel the US in a RV that runs on veggie oil.
Seriously, I know of people who do it. I would go in a heartbeat!

5)Go Snorkeling
I love the water, and sea life. I want to get up close and personal with some cool fish!

6) See the "Green Flash" in person.
It's an ocean sunset thing--youtube it!

7) Learn about different types of wine.
So interesting, but confusing.

8)Help Matt cross off things on his "Bucket List".
Like visiting a Rainforest.

9) Take piano lessons.
I've wanted to forever.

10) Go Para-sailing
I'm completely fascinated by it!

11) Adopt a child.
So many kids in the world need a family.

12) Be able to look in the mirror, and be ok with what I see.
That is a mental exercise.

13) Mend fences with some broken relationships.

14)Build taller fences with other relationships.

15) Talk less, and listen more.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

My "Fortunate" Valentine


I'm a crafty girl.

This Valentine's day I decided to use my Craftiness for good, and not evil.
I decided I wanted an Asian-inspired project.

Initially, I was just going to make Paper Fortune Cookies with custom fortunes (seen above)
Last year I made chocolate covered Fortune Cookies for Matt and I, and thought it would be cute to fill chinese take-out boxes with them.

I don't do complicated crafts or baking.
All I did was melt chocolate, dip the cookies, and cover in sprinkles.
I did a cookie sheet full, and then put them in the freezer for 5 minutes to set.
Easy-peesy!

I bought some small wooden hearts from Jo-Ann's fabric, and a bottle of red paint. It cost about $2 for 24 hearts. I painted them all in about 5 minutes. They weren't perfectly painted, but I was in a bit of a time crunch.

I glued the hearts, and a pink, or red ribbon ribbon to each take-out box.
No need to buy expensive boxes from the craft store (often $1 each!)
I got 50 at Smart & Final for $4.99

Each box had a small handful of valentines colored M&M's and
two chocolate-covered cookies.

I then glued a paper Fortune Cookie to the top of each box.


My friends and co-workers loved them!
Success!

I stayed home from work not feeling well today.
I may have to eat some of the broken cookies dipped in left-over chocolate.
Yum!





Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Seriously.

I'm a broken person. I know that. Sometimes though, life distracts me from that fact. It's a welcome distraction. On occasion, however, that realization it broadcasts in a way that is so out-of-the-blue. So jolting-- that you almost don't know how to respond to yourself.

Matt and I were driving home from Disneyland Sunday night. We were talking about a little traffic incident we experienced on the way to LA 3 nights prior. Car got hurt, but we were fine, thankfully. My mind started going to what would have happened if we weren't "fine". What if we had been hurt? Now I'm a vocal person. I typically don't have much of a problem saying what I feel/think. I do have a very private side. A side my husband rarely sees. A side that doesn't like being comforted when it's grieving-- that doesn't like to go to the "what ifs" because it's afraid of the answer. A side of silence. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped within myself. People expect me to be bubbly, and happy. People expect me to joke around.

I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to be a downer.

So I shove it down. I pretend it's not there. I make some joke out of it, and I move on. I'm so afraid to "go there" in my mind, so I don't. Sometimes-- like Sunday night, I can't not go there. So I said to Matt what I was feeling-- "What would happen to me if something happened to you?". He made some side comment about having good life insurance. "No" I said. "I have no one. You're my only family. I'd be completely alone." Matt was silent. He knew I was right. Then the tears came. They streamed right down my face. Then I remembered why I never let myself go there. It hurts so badly. I didn't mention it again. Mostly because I knew nothing Matt could say would comfort me. He wants so badly to fix it. To make me feel happy, and secure-- it just doesn't work. He feels bad, and I feel bad that he feels bad.

I've tried the "Family" thing with lots of people. Friends, friends parents, extended family, in-laws, Church family. While I'm thankful to have had so many wonderful people placed in my life, no one can replace your real family. My real family isn't "family" at all. My Mother and Sister-- the only family I have left-- are happy to be selfish, and divisive. They play games, and lie. Every single time I've tried to be "family" with them, I've been hurt, and used, and stepped on. I've tried to be "family" with Matt's family-- but I've basically been told that I'm not welcome to do so. That I'm trying to "Steal them away". So I've stopped trying. That's why Matt and I now choose to spend holidays alone. I'm tired of not being welcome. Matt understands because he's seen how hard I've tried. How hurtful the things that have been said are. I still put on my "happy face". I'm cordial, and I still try to be nice, and helpful because they're Matt's family-- but I'm done. Thankfully I have a husband that knows me well enough to know how hard I've tried.

So where does all of this leave me? Alone. Frustrated that I have the family I have. Sad that this is the way things are. Painfully jealous of people that have great families.

The moral of the story is that some things don't have a happy ending. Sometimes life is totally unfair, and we won't have answers as to why this side of heaven. Stuffing it down doesn't make it any less real. The only consolation is knowing that when we finally decide to have kids-- they won't have to feel that way. That we can be to them what we didn't get ourselves. That we have a chance to do right by someone else.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The laundry is in the wash...



1. What time did you get up this morning?
Around 7



2. Pearls or diamonds?
Um, Diamonds--sort of. I'm not a huge jewelry fan, but whatever I wear has to be real, otherwise I break out into a nasty rash. So I mostly own things with (small) diamonds.



3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Gosh, The Other Guys? I don't know-- it's been a long while.



4. What is your favorite TV show?
The Office, Teen Mom, Anything on HGTV, Discover, A&E, or TLC.



5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Breakfast and I don't mesh well.


6. What is your middle name?
Elizabeth



7. What food do you like the least?
Beef. It's gross.



8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
If you mean what's playing on my Ipod--
Tenth Avenue North, Bekah Shae, Stellar Kart,
Supertones, Jars of Clay, Cademon's Call.


9. What kind of car do you drive?
1999 VW Jetta
An oldie, but a goodie.



10. Favorite Sandwich?
BLT with soy bacon-- yummy!


11. What characteristic do you despise?
Arrogance, and people that try too hard to be the center of attention.
So annoying.

12. Favorite item(s) of clothing?
Yoga pants, tank tops, and flip flops.



13. If you could go anywhere in the world for vacation, where would you go?
London-- Our friends are there, and we miss them dearly!



14. What color is your bathroom?
White.



15. What is your favorite brand of clothing?
Old Navy



16. Where would you retire?
In a tent on the beach.


17. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
Sushi date with Claudia, Jonathan, Sarah, Eric & Matt!
So fun!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Disneyland-- here we come!



We're seeing World of Color for the first time!


Matt and I love Disneyland! That's why I decided that it would be a perfect destination Birthday for Matt's 29th Birthday this Saturday! We've talked about going for a few months, but had no plans. So I decided to be a little bit sneaky, and surprise him.

Failed! Sort of.

It's hard to plan a trip for someone when you live in the same house, share the same computer, and are not very good at lying. So I spilled the beans. Glad I did! He's SO excited. I am too! We leave tomorrow night! I'm not looking forward to the drive, but I'm always glad to get away with my hunky hubby!

Pretty sure Matt's just excited to have breakfast at Storyteller's Cafe We love that place! I do have a few surprises up my sleeve to make it even more fun! ;-)

Happy Birthday Matty Bear!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Dear Starbucks...

We have been friends for a long time. We've spent a lot of time together. You were there, sharing in the laughter with dear friends. You helped to drown some painful tears. We've spent many, many mornings in each others arms. You helped me develop a love for coffee when I was dependent on caffeine the most. For that, I thank you. However, the news I heard today made me very concerned.

Trenta? Really?


My dear friend, You have tempted me many times to upgrade my Iced, Soy, Vanilla Latte with Whip to size: Venti, and many of those times I gave into your persuasive advances. However, unless you start selling pants sized "Trenta" the buck stops here. That much coffee is just not healthy--for your heart or your waistline. (See above photo)
For now, I must stick with my Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte. It's not even February yet-- going to try to keep my New Years Resolution for a few more months, a least.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Album Cover...

My good friend, Jamie, challenged me to a little game-- here are the instructions:

1) Go to wikipedia and hit random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2) Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3) Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” Third picture, no ...matter what ...it ......is, will be your album cover.

4) Use photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together.

Introducing....

Forgive the fact that mine is hardly readable-- Kind of a hard picture for text! Fun stuff, though! Because so few of my friends blog, I'm going to tag my blogging buddy, Erin. Can't wait to see your album!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

My year in pictures

I got my iphone Jan of last year, and so I've been taking pictures like crazy ever since-- it's so easy. This is my year in pictures!


 
Posted by Picasa

Sunday, January 2, 2011