Whatever you're doing, inside of me, it feels like chaos...

A frustrating season...

I'm sure feeling like giving up today...lol!


I'm in such a strange season in my life. I don't really know how to explain it. All I can say is it's frustrating. I've been dealing with the same issue for over 2 years. Most of my friends know just because it is such a huge part of my life, but I'll spare the details here and just say, it's been rough.

I've searched for answers, and so far I feel like there is no great reason. I guess I have to wait it out, ride the waves, and just go with it. No other option. I do, however, need some sort of comfort. Last night, for the first time ever, I skipped communion. I have so much unforgivness floating around in my heart that I couldn't take it. I just sat there, heavy hearted, with a huge lump in my throat. That is so unlike me. But how can I forgive something that just keeps going and going? I don't know. I feel like this whole thing is out of control, and there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe that is the lesson.

So what is a girl to do when there is nothing left? Find the promises that her Father wrote to her for times like these...

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.
Deuteronomy 33:27

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident. Psalm 27:1,3

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. Psalm 34:17

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. Psalm 61:1-4


The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.
Psalm 145: 18-19

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Isaiah 43:1b-3a

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:13a,14

The Lord is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Psalm 27:1,3-5

Who is your "holey bucket"?

What do I mean? I guess I mean then person you're always making effort with. The person that you try and try to be friends with, the person you go out of your way for, or try to include, but in the end, they could care less. If they want something, or need help, you're the first person they call. Other then that, they don't want you around. I call them "holey buckets" because you pour into them and pour into them, but the water just leaks out of the side. It's useless because it's never enough. Nothing you do is ever enough!

I have a few holey buckets in my life. It's draining, pardon the pun. It's one thing when the person is someone that you can part ways with, and won't see on a normal basis. In my case it's mostly family members in my life regularly. That magnifies the issue a million times over. You MUST see them. There is no avoiding. It hurts because you want to be close, but at the same time you end up hating to be in the same room with the person because you feel taken advantage of.

I often wonder what Jesus would want me to do. Would he want me to keep putting myself in a place where i could get hurt, or would he want me to retreat to safety, and hide. Honestly, I don't think the answer is cut and dry. I don't think Jesus would want us to be taken advantage of, but I don't think he wants us to give up on people either. So even though I always seem to get my feelings hurt in the end, I can't say no more, I can't run away and hide. I have to be love. I have to stick around when it's hard. Do I own people that? No, but I do owe Jesus. I owe him everything, and if he's just asking me to lay down my feelings and be a neighbor, then I guess that's what I'll try to do.

I just wish family could be family without the drama!

Happy 1 year Matt!!

Ok, not so "Happy" but the first way major incident we survived as a married couple was Matt being attacked by a police dog. Here are some pictures (If you're squeamish, it's not too bad, but you may not want to scroll down...)




This is dodger, the actual dog that attacked Matt! Scary!!





Here is the damage (above), a deep puncture wound that was deep into muscle tissue!





Several punctures and lacerations. They had to put one stitch in to close it a bit, but normally don't stitch dog bites because of bacteria!

I will just say, the whole thing was awful! It forced me to live up to the vow i made "In sickness and in health" because let me tell you, he could hardly walk, and was in pain. Also we were so worried about our insurance not covering it (they didn't, we had to sue the city of Lodi for damages, something we didn't want to do, but were forced to do, sadly). So the attack, the hours and hours of hospital visits, injections because of a developing infection, losing his job because of his injury, and thousands of dollars in medical bills later, he's almost totally better. It still hurts now and then, and the scars are crazy! For the most part though, he's good!

It was bad, but we had the support of family and friends, and God blessed both of us in so many ways. I thank God that it wasn't worse then it was. He could have been seriously injured when the dog pulled him from his bike, he could have been bitten on the face, or neck causing very very serious injury...crazy. We're just both so thankful that he is okay, and our relationship survived it's first major bump! So heres to a year later!

I've been a bad blogger...

I love to blog, honestly, I do. However, I have been slacking. Sorry if you actually read my blog. I try to stay consistent, but it's been hard the last couple of weeks.

One reason is I've had this headache that won't go away, and the light from the computer makes it worse, so I've hardly even checked my e-mail recently! Another reason is that Matt and I have hardly seen each other in the last week, and I want to spend time with him. If i had to choose between blogging and cuddling with my sweet husband, well sorry blog friends!

Anyway, I don't actually have a subject to blog about. I have lots of things I could write about, and will write about in the near future (church shopping, emotional healing, our 5 year anniversary, list of books I'm reading...) tonight though, I just thought I'd say "yes, I am still alive!".

So tomorrow, I will have a new blog! :-) Yay!

I was impressed...

So, I did my normal Sunday routine today, for the most part. Woke up, took a shower, said my goodbyes to the hub who works every Sunday, and got ready for church. Then I did the normal fretting over going to church alone, got through the anxiety, and headed over. I used to always attend church alone, but since everything happened (church drama...ugh!!), I suffer from crazy panic-like attacks at the thought of being there, and sitting alone. Every week though, I seem to manage it okay (not without wiping tears away, but okay), and I figure it's worth the good preaching, even if I'm not involved there.

Today though, felt different. Though I was there alone, I was pretty engrossed in both the preaching and worship. If I were totally honest, and usually I am, I would say that even attending church has been really half-hearted lately.... OK more like for the last year or two. It's like the same mundane thing every week. I know when to sit, I know when to stand, I know that the closing prayer always starts with "and now may the God of" and I know which door gets me out the quickest.

Today, they switched it up a bit, and I liked it! Glen preached, and he just has such a way with words that whatever he's taking about, you feel like you're right there experiencing it. I've heard about 72 billion preachers, and I must say, very very few can preach the way he does! He's so engaging! I also think that the worship team must have had a pre-church meeting at Starbucks (or they are on crack), because everyone was so into worship today and had loads of energy. They actually PLAYED the drums, instead of just tapping them for background effect, they had an energy I've never really witnessed from them, it was really good. Not that worship is happening any less the other way, but this way got people excited about praising God! Communion is every 1st Sunday of the month, and the same way every time, passed by the deacons, but today we walked to the front to get it. It was a nice change of pace, and really helped me focus less on my anxiety, and more on Jesus.

So what can I say besides how impressed I was that they're stepping out of the line up, and more into what is going to engage people more. Maybe if things keep getting better, I could fall in love with my church all over again. Of course it would take more then a change in the worship service, but today was a step in the right direction!

An issue near and dear to my heart... Where my bees at?

Grace, Grace....

My good friend Erin posted this on her Myspace, and within the first few seconds I was in tears. God's grace hits me in a new way daily, and this was the way today. This is Caleb Chapman...