6 years...

I can't believe it, but Thursday will be the 6th anniversary of my dad's death. Every year it seems to sneak up on me. Grief is such an interesting thing. Some days I don't think about it, other days I do and I'm sad. Sometimes I have dreams about him that are so real. Sometimes I forget things about him. On occasion I wish I could have another day. This year, I've just felt numb. After my dad died, my family fell apart even more so then it was before. I didn't just lose my dad, I lost my entire family. Sometimes I wonder if I mourn that more so then the loss of my dad.

I've noticed the past few days that I've been a little depressed. Last night I laid in Matt's lap and just cried. I have an awesome husband that doesn't always try to "fix" me when I'm having a tough time. Instead, he just held me and told me that it's okay. After a few minutes I was fine and laughing again, but I predict that Thursday will be a tough day. I'm ready for it. I'm not planning anything really big for the day, just going to relax. Matt will be at work, which scares me. Being alone with my feelings is scary, but I'm not too worried.

So all in all, I'm feeling okay. Hopefully this cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat thing will be over by the end of the week, and I can look forward to better days.

qué hora es?? qué hora es?? One Semester of Spanish, Spanish Love Song

This is the most funny thing I've seen in a long time!

Enjoy!

Calm yourself...

I'm a huge scaredy cat. I always have been. Anxiety runs so high with me daily, an it is a struggle most of the time to not let it affect my life. You might be saying "Aren't their drugs for that?" and yes, yes their are, but I'm trying to live my life and depend on and trust God more, and I'm so scared that anti-anxiety meds will make me someone I'm not. Maybe that's stupid, but to be honest, I'm not sure what the right answer is.

One thing I have noticed, is starting a new exercise routine has helped. I think it burns off some of the extra energy that would normally be used for a panic attack. though I'm no doctor, and I could be way off base.


I'm learning to trust God more though. I'm learning that the reason I feel so out of control, is because I am. I am not in control of what happens. I think instead of working on being more in control, I need to work on being comfortable with the fact that my life is not my own. It's a really really scary thought, but it's the truth. I can spend my time worried sick, or I can enjoy my life to the fullest while I'm here. You only live once right (not counting eternal life of course) so I want to drink from the fire hose. Really.

Well, I'm going to take the dog for a nice, long walk. It will be good!

~Sarah

Want to feed the hungry?

Is consuming less meat the answer (well at least some of the answer? Maybe!
http://www.goveg.com/environment-wastedResources-food.asp

http://learningtotreadlightly.blogspot.com/

Visit my new blog I'm setting some awesome goals and would love to hear yours too!

Do it, you know you want to!

seaside spiritual highs, and daily life lows.

Last week, Matt and I decided to take a little over-night trip to Santa Cruz. We took Jasmine, and Scout with us. We really had a great time! At one point, I was sitting on the beach, and Matt, Jasmine, and Scout were all playing in the ocean. I couldn't help but to forget all of the issues and problems in my life. I know I'm not the only one to feel close to God in those little moments, but I felt like God took away all of my worries, all the stress, and just allowed me to enjoy him and all of his creation in that little moment. As I sat back and silently witnessed Matt, Jasmine and Scout play in the waves, I felt God tell me to be happy with my family, Because they are my family. I needed that reassurance. Most of the people I'm around are so negative (which I struggle with at times as well) so that little bit of encouragement was enough to "turn my frown up-side-down" ha ha!

Life thoughts have been racing through my brain all weekend. We picked up this sweet puppy while driving down West Lane Thursday night on our way back from the beach. No chip, no collar or tags... nothing. We ended up taking her home.She's a pit bull/lab mix. We call her "Lanie West" (naming her after West Lane...ha ha) My heart bleeds for for animals. Of course, my heart bleeds for people too, but animals have always had a special place in my heart. Of course, because she is a Pit bull, no one will take her. So sad! She is a sweetheart! She is laying at my feet right now and I'm struggling to hold back the tears welling up. Maybe I'm just being over-emotional, but I'm so worried that even if I do find a shelter, that she'll end up either being put to sleep, or being adopted to someone that will mistreat her. It's just not fair. It really, really isn't. Not to mention, it's hard when you're trying to do the right thing, and people around you are so discouraging.

I feel like the two reasons I became a vegetarian are 1) Because meat is filled with awful hormones and things that aren't healthy for us. and 2) Because the conditions that animals are kept in and the way they are treated is deplorable and by eating meat, I'm supporting their efforts. How can I just take her somewhere to be put to death, without being a hypocrite? I can't! UGH!

So, tomorrow I have an appointment at Animal Friends Connection in Lodi. I know that when she finally gets adopted, I will cry my eyes out, but I know it's for the best! Though the other day, when she and Matt were taking a nap together, I wasn't sure if I should think it was sweet, or not look because I know I'm getting attached! Matt loves her and wants her, but again, we cannot have another dog. Honestly. Things are about to get harder as Scout us having his "boy surgery" tomorrow, so he can't play for 10 days, which means we have to keep them separated. Oy Vey!

So if you would like to, I really need some prayer. I've just been having really awful panic attacks and things as of recent, and with all this going on, I know that I'm going to struggle through the next 2 weeks. I need some real rest. I'm so close to calling my doctor for something to help me sleep, but I'm so nervous to take anything. So I ask you for prayer, and if the next two week go the way I'm thinking they might, I may be asking for a gun too....lol!

J.O.Y

I haven't had Internet for DAYS! Needless to say, it's driving me a little crazy. I'm at the in-laws writing today. I say it's a fair trade. :-) Comcast is having a server issue, we just switched to Comcast Saturday. First, bad modem. No connection, so I skipped church Sunday to wait for someone to come back out. Got new modem. Tech informed me that the registration server is down. So we have connection, but our modem has not been registered. No Internet. UGH! I want to scrap the whole thing and start over.

I've been struggling lately. With faith, with frustration, with not really having a family. Of course, I have Matt's family, but I'm not really a part of them, if that makes sense. Joining someone Else's family is hard work, and to be honest, a lot of stuff happened before Matt and I got married that caused me to kind of give up long ago. I love his family and everything, but sometimes I just feel so lonely around them all. I just don't fit in, and for some reason that feeling has been magnified as of lately. I just can't be myself.

I'm not unhappy. I'm actually feeling like God has been giving me actual joy. Joy that no matter what I'm feeling frustrated by, transcends that. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. There are lots of amazing things around me. My husband is seriously great. He's got a tough exterior, but a soft middle. He's so smart, probably the smartest guy I know. Yet he's humble. His humility is the thing that drew me to him. He's not constantly seeking attention. Any guy can be smart and flaunt it, but Matt is a silent smartie. He's such a wonderful gift and I'm so thankful for him. God has provided for me in ways I can't describe.

So all of the other things pale in comparison. My lack of Internet, or family struggles are just things. How thankful I am to know God and to have a relationship with Him. How thankful I am that God can provide joy in hard times! And while some days, I forget how blessed I am, I hope that I can always point my joy back to Him. Even on my blah-est of days!