Monday, July 7, 2008
I haven't had Internet for DAYS! Needless to say, it's driving me a little crazy. I'm at the in-laws writing today. I say it's a fair trade. :-) Comcast is having a server issue, we just switched to Comcast Saturday. First, bad modem. No connection, so I skipped church Sunday to wait for someone to come back out. Got new modem. Tech informed me that the registration server is down. So we have connection, but our modem has not been registered. No Internet. UGH! I want to scrap the whole thing and start over.
I've been struggling lately. With faith, with frustration, with not really having a family. Of course, I have Matt's family, but I'm not really a part of them, if that makes sense. Joining someone Else's family is hard work, and to be honest, a lot of stuff happened before Matt and I got married that caused me to kind of give up long ago. I love his family and everything, but sometimes I just feel so lonely around them all. I just don't fit in, and for some reason that feeling has been magnified as of lately. I just can't be myself.
I'm not unhappy. I'm actually feeling like God has been giving me actual joy. Joy that no matter what I'm feeling frustrated by, transcends that. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. There are lots of amazing things around me. My husband is seriously great. He's got a tough exterior, but a soft middle. He's so smart, probably the smartest guy I know. Yet he's humble. His humility is the thing that drew me to him. He's not constantly seeking attention. Any guy can be smart and flaunt it, but Matt is a silent smartie. He's such a wonderful gift and I'm so thankful for him. God has provided for me in ways I can't describe.
So all of the other things pale in comparison. My lack of Internet, or family struggles are just things. How thankful I am to know God and to have a relationship with Him. How thankful I am that God can provide joy in hard times! And while some days, I forget how blessed I am, I hope that I can always point my joy back to Him. Even on my blah-est of days!