Blogging break...

If you follow my blog, then you know it's been awhile. Not for lack of things to say, but mostly too many things to say, but that are hard to put into words. So without getting into too much, things I've been thinking/learning:

That bad things happen to good people. Sometimes really bad things happen to really good people with no real explanation.

That I didn't know what faith was until some of my greatest fears started staring me in the face. And to be honest, it's still a struggle.

That it's ok to say "Sorry, that doesn't work for me" and saying "Oh well" when they get upset about it is called "maintaining boundaries". It only took me 27 years to learn that lesson.

That you can have 300 "friends" on facebook, and still feel intense loneliness when things get hard.

That something that tries so hard to be "different" often ends up to be just as bad, if not worse then the "original".

That sitting on my bed folding clothes could be the most peaceful time of the day.

That the closer you get to God, the more you realize how messy your life is.

That it's ok to eat a cupcake for breakfast now and then.

The beauty of a good song put on "repeat".

When it's time to call something a loss, and move on.

That I never thought I'd hope to have Swine Flu until I had the flu, and realized it wasn't too bad.

How much I had missed getting a good night of sleep.

That one question could dredge up so much pain.

That you can listen to your mp3 player during church worship, and no one will even notice if you wear your hair down. In my defense I was listening to worship music, and was trying to keep myself focused, and not distracted by some resentfulness that keeps rearing it's ugly head.

That I'm a Starbucks addict. Maybe I already knew that.

That sorry Michael W. Smith, friends aren't always "friends forever" just because "the Lords the Lord of them", But I wish it was true.

So anyway, that has been my last few months. It's been a rough road, and I'm not sure when it's going to get better. My future months are going to be filled with vacations, school, work, genetic testing (fun stuff), weddings, and hopefully a Christmas away from home! So some things I'm looking forward to, some answers to important questions, and some things I'm dreading, but all is life. I'm being constantly reminded how good I have it compared to some, and that God really is in control of all things.

If it makes you happy...

Oh how these things have made me happy today!

A very happy dog enjoying the warm sunshine.

A plethora of flip-flops that were not able to sway a purchase out of me.

A pretty garden flower.

A garden tomato ripening on the vine.... yum!

A pot of VERY thirsty basil!

An almost empty laundry basket

My 3rd (!!) jar of sun tea this week!

Thoughts...

My mind is always running. I can't seem to get it to stop. Sometimes it's good because I can think things through, and figure things out rather easily before the stress factor ensures. It's also a huge pain because too much thinking often times leads to too little sleep, and leaves me feeling frustrated about things I can't change. Hence blogging at 1am. I'm tired, I'm spent and I still can't sleep.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. Periodically, I go through this mental checklist I have to make sure I'm where I need to be in all areas of my life. I check my spiritual life, my physical well being, my mental health, and try to make it a point to be balanced. I also reevaluate relationships, and friendships, and try to work on this issues that I am responsible for. I actually learned about how important it is to do that when I was going through counseling years ago after my dad died. It is a good thing for me. It's really helped me to see things for what they are. However it does tend to make me feel a little bit overwhelmed, especially when it coincides other happenings, like right now, moving.

Recently, my "wonderings", so-to-speak, have been all about who I *really* am. Not what I hope to be, not who I was, but the person I am now--successes, faults and all. I'm learning that I am the worst kind of idealist-- a cynical one. I want so badly for things to be good, and great, and I want rainbows, and unicorns, and world peace. However, my life has never ever been like that. So I scoff at the idea that my life will ever look like that. I've lost having expectation's because it's better not to expect good things, and occasionally get them, then to expect things to be great, and be let down again and again.

Relationships are my weakness. For a long time I had certain expectations for my friends and some of my family members. I figured that if I was a good enough friend, or sister, or daughter, or whatever, that it somehow guaranteed a place in their lives for me. That just isn't the case... at all... I have some really great friends-- friends that are my friends because we like being around each-other and we have things in common, and we can talk about anything, and respect differing opinions. Life can keep us apart for months, but we just pick up where we left off, and there are no hard feelings. Then acquaintances, we only really keep up on facebook, and worked with each other for a year, or went to school together. I actually like keeping up with people, no pressure, so I don't mind the "facebookship" at all. Then I have these pseudo-friendships where we were friends, and then just kind of stopped talking. Not for any real reason, but there is tension, and this feeling that they found better people to hang out with, so you never hear from them, unless they want something, or they're lonely, so you're their "backup". Those are the worst. Sadly, I have a few that are just emotionally draining because I resent them. I think it's time to pull the plug-- it's over!

Needless to say, I have a lot going on right now. Maybe my mind will shut off long enough to get some sleep... maybe!

When life gives you lemons...

You make Kiwi Lemonade!!

This recipe is fantastic, and a good ending to a bad day... like the one I had today! ;-)

Kiwi Lemonade

What you need:

6 kiwi fruits
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup lemon juice
1 liter carbonated water, chilled

What to do

1. Peel kiwi. Puree peeled fruit in blender container. Strain mixture through a fine-mesh wire strainer placed over a bowl. Discard seeds (some may remain).
2.In a large pitcher combine sugar and lemon juice. Stir until sugar is dissolved.
3.Stir in strained kiwi. Cover and chill.
4.Slowly add the chilled carbonated water just before serving. Stir.

5. Garnish with sliced Kiwi and Lemons, and ENJOY!

Community Gardening...

I love gardening! It's a fairly new hobby of mine, but one that I consider to be fun and productive. I started my very first veggie garden last spring, and was delighted when I could actually see the fruits (and veggies) of my labor. It also coincided with my decision to be a vegetarian, so it was nice to have fresh food a small harvest away.

Planting my garden got me thinking about how I could "share the wealth" so to speak. I began taking anything extra from the garden to a local food bank, and got together with a few other gardening friends and took theirs too. I hate the way the poor are treated, and what is available for them to eat is usually garbage--really. I don't want to just cast my leftovers to them. I was convicted that if we're really to view one another as "being better then ourselves" then I wasn't doing a very good job. Trying to eat a clean vegetarian diet has me thinking alot about what I'm going to eat. There are people in our town that have to think about how they are going to eat. That got me thinking, what about starting a community garden specifically for food banks, and shelters?

I've been doing some research, and am learning about securing vacant public properties for non-profit happenings in both Lodi and Stockton. Sadly, no one seems to know much about the concept. I'm not giving up though! I really feel like this could be such a good thing! I have a feeling that there will be a lot of red tape involved, but I am determined! I'm just trying to get some others on board! So please, I know many of you who are on my facebook, and even those that read my blog has experience with non-profit stuff! If you have an idea, or would like to get involved, give me a holler!! I would love some input!

The Giving Tree-- Read by Brennan Manning

This book has always made me cry. This video was no different...

brunch, high school, limpy the dog, and diet update!

Today was great! Normally I dread Father's day, and Mother's day too. Not because I'm anti-parental days, but because I don't have anyone to celebrate them with. My dad died when I was 19, and my mom and I haven't said a word to one another in about 4 years. Considering both days fall on a Sunday, it makes them extra difficult because you get to sit in church with families that look like they have it all together, and talk about the importance of parents. I know that's not always the case, but I'd be lying if I said I'm never envious of those people.

Today, however, I vowed to make it a good day. I went to Church alone-- which I hate, but it's been hard for Matt to get a Sunday off. I did shed a few tears during a Father's day video, but was all good after that. Then I headed to Matt's parent's house. Matt's dad is out of state visiting Matt's oldest brother, so my Mother-in-law had no plans either. So we went to brunch at Maxim's restaurant (formally Mallards) and enjoyed strawberry crepes, and mimosas. It was nice. Then we decided to head to Phillip's Farms and pick some flowers, and buy some lavender. It turned out to be a nice day. Then made Matt dinner, realized I left my Mother-in-law's lights on when I drove her car, and had to jump-start it, and drove it to Lodi to recharge the battery, went to coffee with Lex and Tess, and gave the dog a bath. Good times were had by all!

The other night I had an experience I wish I didn't have. Matt and I ran into some people that I've known for a long time. So I said "hey how are you?"... nothing. No hi, no hey...Nada. I know I can be too sensitive sometimes, so I just shrugged it off. So we ended up running into them again, and I nicely tried to make conversation...NOTHING! It was pretty annoying because these are people I've known for YEARS! So last night I was telling my (awesome) friend Jenny about what happened, and she said something so simply profound "High School never ends" (which of course reminded me of the Bowling for Soup song with the same title). I realized that is exactly what it's like in high school. If you don't belong to the "group" then you get snubbed. I'm ok with not being a part of the group--SERIOUSLY because when you're involved in something that is so exclusive, it's asking for drama. Plus, I would never want to be a part of a community that is ok with rudeness. I just wish the art of common courtesy was still practiced. But instead it's like being 14 again, and not having a Jansport backpack, and having to beg your parents to get you one because otherwise you don't fit in... I'm SO over it!

In other news, Scout the Wonder Dog is limping. It's been going on for a few weeks, and the vet (and my friend Kristen--who is like the dog whisperer) both advised me to just watch it, and see if it would resolve--nothing. Still limping. He's acting normally, and even playing, but you can tell he's sore. So now we think it might be Elbow Dysplasia. Which most likely means surgery. I love my dog, and whatever he needs we'll do. I just hate seeing him in pain. He's such a great dog, and as strange as this sounds, he was a total gift from God. I wanted a dog, but knew we couldn't have one in our tiny apartment. Scout fell into my lap. He was sick, so thin you could see every bone, and abused-- but the sweetest puppy ever! I take him everyone, and consider him my (unofficial) therapy dog. I struggle with major anxiety, and I swear to you, when I'm feeling panicky, he is right there. The other night, I was driving home, and got turned around. Scout was in the back seat, and I started getting freaked out. He insisted on being in the front seat, laid down and put his head on my lap. I love him!! Anyway, we're hoping, and praying that it's a simple fix, and that he will be back to himself in no time!

Quick diet update-- down another 3lbs, which brings us to 13lbs in 3 weeks. Not too shabby! Of course, I weighed myself *before* brunch today, so that might make a difference... ;-)

-10lbs+$400= a bittersweet day...

Down 10lbs as of today... and I'm SO excited about it. It's a small milestone, and I have a long way to go, but it's a start, and exactly what I needed to keep me going. I'm not sure why I'm losing so quickly now... Usually it's tough for me to lose only a few pounds, but this came off pretty quickly. I've been taking a ton of vitamins, so maybe it's helping my sad little thyroid along. I'm not complaining though, I'll take what I can get!

Of course, my elation about my weight-loss (that sounded SO prideful, but I'm not trying to be, I'm just excited!!) turned into anger about Matt's car being broken into. I know it happens to everyone, but this is the 4th time. I feel so violated, and was on the verge of tears tonight. Maybe that's a little bit dramatic, but I live in a pretty sheltered little world, and I don't really think about being the victim of a crime. Sure, I'm glad all they did was break into the car, and we're OK, but it makes me feel really unsafe. You hear the news about the Stockton area being so awful as far as crime is concerned, but it's different when it actually happens to you. Plus, now Matt has no radio, which makes me sad, considering he drives 40 minutes each way to work, and back home. Matt would give someone the shirt off of his back, so it makes me mad that someone could just steal something of his... it's going to cost about $4oo to fix everything-- the broken vents from them (unsuccessfully) trying to pry the stereo out, the broken trunk lever, and a new faceplate. All for an almost worthless faceplate that might make someone all of $5. Plus, Matt always parks in front of the cameras at work, so whoever did it was caught on tape.

I did get to hang out with some like-minded friends tonight. That always makes me feel good. So many people like to debate about biblical things, and while I believe that it can be healthy, I think it can also be a waste of time. It's a fine line, that I sometimes cross when I'm *very* passionate about something (like justice, and being real). However, even if your passionate, there is always another facet. I believe we don't have all the answers, and also believe that two people with differing opinions can both be right.... They can also both be wrong. As long as you're talking to people that are humble in spirit, and come into a conversation with the idea that sharing your opinion, rather then forcing it is the right way to go, it can be fruitful, and I believe you can ponder things you may not have even thought of before. I love it!

You don't have to live like this....

Have you ever just wanted to go up to someone in your life, put your hands on their shoulders, look into their eyes and say "you don't have to live like this!"? I go through this daily. I often say things like "I'm surrounded by crazy people". You might agree. However, I'm seeing more and more that I am surrounded by broken people. People that have made bad choices, and are fully reaping what they have sown. It breaks my heart to see it, yet there is nothing I can do. It's beyond frustration. It's borderline desperation...

I was having a conversation with my Sister-in-law yesterday. I mentioned that as much as I don't like my mom, I'm sad for her. I'm sad that on her death bed, she's going to look back, and see a life of wasted time, and a broken family. I don't say this to be mean, but my mom is bi-polar. I have friends that have the same condition, and can function normally thanks to medication, and therapy. My mom, however, refused the help she so desperately needed. As a result, she has lost everyone that she claimed to love, including me. There was help for her, all she had to do was accept it. She didn't have to live the way she was living. She didn't have to be abusive. I often mourn the relationship I could have had with her. While lots of other people say that I'm "like a daughter" to them, it doesn't fill the void that my mom should be filling, as much as I'm thankful for those people in my life. I don't think a mom is replaceable... If I wasn't invited to my daughters wedding because she couldn't trust me to behave myself, it would kill me. I don't understand how it could not even phase her.

Now with everything going on with Matt's family. Some days, it's hard to know which way is up. I guess being separated isn't suppose to be easy, and I know that Matt's parents are going through the same issues many rocky relationships go through, but there are SO many issues that could be handled if there was a willingness to get help. It's especially hard to see Matt's mom, who is trying to get help, and is trying to deal with everything-- then to see his Dad dwell in all of the things that brought him to this point. I feel such a spiritual heaviness around him.I feel like there is a battle for his soul going on, and the good guy isn't winning... I can almost hear Jesus say "Depend on me, I won't fail you! What, you're broken? That's great, I LOVE broken people!". Then the enemy on the other side saying "I bet if you took two of those pills you'd feel REALLY good!". It hurts my heart, and it's killing everyone involved. I just wish he could see what we see...

Their not the only ones. I see my niece. She is a beautiful child. She's smart, and funny, and knows the truth, yet is heading down a path of destruction, and hurt. Or my neighbor that is looking for love in all the wrong places. My sister who outright abuses her 4 daughters, and even though she has been sent to jail, and has had her children taken away more then once, continues to abuse them. Or the person in my life that is a prisoner of their own perfectionism, or the one that is all ego.

I'm not perfect. I struggle a lot. I struggle with keeping my emotions in check, and taking things too personally. I struggle with forgiveness. I struggle with my image, and what people think of me. I'm an emotional eater. I'm a mess! But by the sheer grace of God, I am a new creation, and God has given me a wonderful gift-- the gift of transformation. While I struggle with all of those things daily, I have been given a free gift-- new life. I can start fresh every day, every hour... I just wish I could convey to the people in my life that they can too. They don't have to live like this.

Oh how she reminds me of me!

So, I'm a huge Scrubs fan! Matt and I constantly laugh at Elliott, mostly because she reminds both of us so much of, well, me. I mean, screwed up family, lets people push her around, sensitive, and blah blah blah! So needless to say, my favorite clip is the "Elliott Transformation"! Love it! She finally growns a backbone... yay!!