A little scary!

Holy cow have I been getting sick! Usually I wake up with a terrible sore throat, and then am sick for a week. this has happened about 5-6 times over the last few months. I had been mildly concerned, but figured I was just getting the normal seasonal illnesses that have been going around.

Last week my string of illnesses became slightly scary. I hung out with a friend, and by the time I got home I was feeling a little bit off. Nothing major, but enough to just want to go to bed. Matt had just returned home from school, and decided he would join me. after getting into bed I started to shake. It was like the worst episode of chills I had ever experienced. I had huge goose bumps, and they were painful-- like a million needles stabbing my skin. I tend to run high fevers when I'm sick, so we reached for the thermometer. I have to keep track of my temperature because I had a seizure when I was little from a high fever, which makes me a little more susceptible to them. To my surprise, my temperature was normal.



That night, I was feeling worse and worse, to the point where I was sobbing because I was in so much pain. Matt insisted on taking me to the hospital, but our insurance just changed to Kaiser, and I would have to go to Dameron, and I hate that hospital, so I resisted... but I probably should have gone. I eventually fell asleep, but work up at 3am so sick to my stomach, and throwing up. Not my usual respiratory issue. Back to bed again, and then up with a sore throat, and stuffy nose. Then a bloody nose. Then a stabbing headache and another week of being sick. Basically the doctor thinks I need a CT scan to check out my sinuses, to see if I have some sort of blockage. Sigh... never ending!! I'm just hoping it's nothing. I hate all things medical. Rather I am scared to death of all things medical (doctors, hospitals, blood draws, check-ups, sharp looking tools, surgery, being put under... everything!) so I'm not happy, but hoping we'll get some answers. At this point, I just want to know what in the world all of this is. I'm just ready to not be sick anymore!

Matty B.

It's no secret. My husband is simply amazing! Because of this said amazingness, and his 28th birthday (tomorrow), it's only appropriate that I dedicate today's blog, my 200th, to him.

My heart is filled with so much love for my husband. A love that grows daily. He's not just my husband. He was never just my boyfriend. He is my very best friend. I know very well how wonderfully blessed I am to have married such a great guy. Matt is so caring, and loving, and loyal. He has a deep desire to do the right thing by everyone, and follows through with it. He loves his family, and is always there whenever they need him. He has a sensitive spirit, and cares deeply about people. Those things are so attractive to me. He's not afraid to be honest, and even though that doesn't always make him popular, it goes hand in hand with doing the right thing by people. Not in flattery, but with his exceedingly genuine spirit. He lives out his faith, and is not a "I can quote Scripture/C.S. Lewis so that makes me a good Christian" Christian. He is an "I live out my faith, but am honest about my failures" Christian. I can't tell you how much I respect that!

A few months ago, Matt and I were out with my Pastor, Glen and his wife, Jani, for my birthday. Glen said something I won't forget. He said "I love how you guys just love to be together." that sums it up pretty nicely. We do just love to be together. We still dream of running away, and never looking back. We love to have fun! Matt is so fun-loving, that no day is the same as the day before. He loves me out loud. Not passively, but in an actively passionate way. He serves me in ways I didn't know I needed, and usually figures out what I need before I say a word. He is my "Good and perfect gift". A lover, a gentle leader, a rock, and my very best friend. I couldn't ask for more.

The last few years have been trying. We've both faced obstacles, and hurt, and frustration, and have struggled. I would be lying if I said our first years of marriage were easy. Our lives can be pretty complicated. Matt has been there 110% for me throughout all of it, and all I can hope is that I have been to him what he has consistently been to me.

So to my husband-- happy birthday! I love you, and want nothing more then to spend every single birthday you have with you until you're 150! :-)

I'm no Superman.

Matt and I caught a new episode of Scrubs, and I'm sad to say, it's a dud! Take away Zach Braff, and most of the original cast, add a bunch of new people, and change the theme song, and you have an entirely different show. We were not impressed! In other TV news, we're also mourning the loss of Conan O'Brien! We like Jay Leno, but MOVE ON! Now what Late night show are we going to watch?? What a dilemma! Ha ha!

Glad our biggest worries are about TV shows. We know that so many people are suffering in Haiti right now. Our friends Mikey and Christa Hahn are on their way to Haiti to help with relief efforts. They have worked with Children from Haiti, and spent a month there last year working with kids. Please, please keep them, and the entire nation of Haiti in your prayers! Also, if you'd like to visit Mikey and Christa's website, it's www.hislittlefeet.org

Hunting.

I've been so hesitant to do this. We have to find a new Church. It's been a rough few years church-wise, and we've been avoiding what we've needed to do for those few years. After being hurt the way Matt and I were hurt, many people have asked why we would continue to go somewhere where that happened. I became a Christian there. I grew in my walk with God, was mentored, served with all my heart there. I fell in love with Jesus there. I thought taking a break would heal things, but it didn't. I don't have any regrets. I stood up for the right thing, and was pummeled in the process. As hard as it is to say, if I were faced with the same situation again, I wouldn't have handled it any differently. It was when people that I really cared about didn't give me the benefit of the doubt that I cracked. I haven't gotten over that.

So, in thinking and praying about it, I realized that my relationship with my Church is no longer healthy. Not because it's an unhealthy Church--It has it's issues like any other place. But because it has only served recently to make me feel bad, to make me feel resentful towards the people involved in the whole mess. I feel rejected, and hurt, and I can't get over it. The last time I went was in December, and I left mid-service a hysterical mess. Not good! I need to go somewhere I can serve wholeheartedly. You would think with all of the Christians I know, all of the Pastors, and leaders, that it would be easy to find someplace new. Sadly, it's not at all the case.

This is something we need to do. To find a "home". A home that is healthy for us. It's going to be rough, but I'm excited at the prospect of going to Church again. I miss it.

Throwbacks.

Yesterday, Matt got an email on Facebook. We happened to be chatting while he logged on, and noticed he had a new message. His reaction was pretty priceless. This e-mail was from a girl in Matt's past. She wasn't a girlfriend, but wanted to be. She was actually quite awful to him, using Christian manipulation to try to get him to date her. Right before Matt and I got married, this girl, who had been very much out of the picture, suddenly reappeared in a series of phone calls, and an unannounced visit. Needless to say, it made things a little bit stressful. Matt was *VERY* clear with this girl that he had no interest in any sort of relationship, or friendship with her. She didn't go down without a fight, but eventually it was over. We really thought that was the last we would hear from her.

It's in these times that I'm reminded of the fact that spiritual warfare does exist. I have resolved that I don't want any crazy drama in 2010, which has meant getting rid of the unhealthy relationships in my life, and trading them for relationships with life. I like to call it "cleaning the house". It's only been 18 days, and it already feels so good. The first part of this has been the "cleaning" part. You wouldn't want to invite your "clean" friends to a "dirty" house, right? lol! So even though I've been laying low friendship wise, it's just because this whole thing is such a process for me. It just figures that just as I'm getting good at slowly "deleting" the dramatic from my life, that Matt would get this email. I may or may not have looked at the sky and said "Really?". Oh, and in case you're wondering, Matt has zero intention of writing this girl back. Why open THAT door, right?

On a positive note, at least that is out of the way. If it had to happen, I'm glad it happened now. Hopefully no more "surprises" for awhile!

Chaotic scribbles of a whiteout sniffing dreamer.

When I have nothing else, I have hope. Hope for a life less ordinary. Sometimes for a life more ordinary. Hope for more order, and less chaos. Hope for happiness and joy, and that one day I'll have more faith, and less anxiety Hope that the simplistic way of life will always be the most attractive to me. I sometimes lack in the hope department. Not because I don't want to be hopeful, but because I hate disappointment. I used to be a hoper, and a dreamer. I lost it somewhere along the way, and now my biggest hope is for more hope.

Lately, I've been feeling that excitement that you only get from waiting in expectation. I want God to do great things in my life. Maybe the purging of unhealthiness has been a step in the right direction. The idea that if someone isn't healthy, they can't be a part of my life. It makes me feel like I'm worth being treated with respect, and not with insane judgement. It makes me hope for healthy relationships, and friendships. It makes me not at all miss the relationships that have been plagued with craziness, and false expectations. Last week, I had butterflies. Not for any real reason but the hope that things are finally getting better. You know what, it had nothing to do with the people around me changing, and everything to do with a change in my heart. Unhealthy relationships take me away from God. They cause me to be bitter, and angry. My own unhealthy thoughts and actions do the same. My "theme" for 2010 is officially "my year of restored hope". Anything and anyone that threatens that hope can't be a part of my life. Good things only.

I have hope for 2010. Good things are going to happen. I can't wait!

Party time, excellent!

It has been party crazy the last couple of days! I spent Friday night hanging out with six 11 year old girls at Rachel Thompson's birthday slumber party. While I played the role of co-chaperone, I still managed to have fun. The highlight of the night being when Rachel's mom, Laura, and neighbor, Debbie, arranged for Debbie's son to come and scare the girls. Imagine the horrific screams of pre-teen girls as they see a wolf costume-clad person standing outside of the sliding glass door. It was pretty awesome! Oh the things we forget to record for Youtube... ;-) Sleep was scarce that night, and I woke up feeling quite exhausted!

After I returned home for Rachel's party, I realized I needed to recover from my almost sleepless night in time for Jenny's surprise birthday party. You may remember my "Hardy Party" blog about Jenny's party a couple of weeks ago. Well, Jenny had wanted a surprise party, but didn't think she was getting one, so she ended up planning her own. Everyone had to go along with it so she wouldn't realize that a party had already been planned. She had shared with me that she was sad about throwing herself a party, and I was DYING inside trying not to "make her feel better" by spilling the beans. So her birthday (and party) came and went and she had no idea what was coming! Fast forward to last night-- boy was she shocked! I missed the big moment because I *had* to take a nap before I could make the drive to Rancho Cordovia, so Matt and I came after the surprise moment. The story goes that she just stood there with her mouth wide open, totally shocked! Success! She deserved it! Her sister, Teresa, and friend, Lisa, did a great job! DJ Rcio of Jace Brannon Entertainment did a fantastic job with the music and Rico's wife, Acxa, and friend and co-worker of Jenny was a great dance coach! :-) We partied Hardy style until the wee hours of the morning, then drove home through thick valley fog. Needless to say, good sleep was had by all!

So I think I'm party-pooped!!

Germs.

Germs are everywhere. Not like I didn't know this, but in the last 6 months I have been sick with flus, colds, sinus infections, stomach bugs, tonsil infections and ear infections. It's been a never-ending battle to stay healthy. I find this not only kind of disturbing, but surprising as well. I'm slightly germ-a-phobic. I know that being too germ-a-phobic can be bad for your immune system, and I thought I was keeping it in check. However, now I can't help but wonder if I'm taking it too far. However, we are living with my in-laws, who have nicknamed their house "Grand Central Station". People are always in and out. You can find me disinfecting the house almost daily.

When I was in early college, I started getting freaked out about germs. It was after working in a school, and I ended up getting really sick with pneumonia. It took me months to feel okay again. So I started using antibacterial had gel like crazy, buying travel sized Lysol, and washing my hands a lot. My doctor actually told me to stop because I took it a little too far. So I did. I didn't get sick often after that. Now it's hard not to do too much because of how awful I have felt.

So maybe all of my disinfecting isn't so great after all. It doesn't make me feel any better about the disgustingness that is the germs of others. But oh well. All I care about now is not feeling like crap. And not having to stay away from my asthma-inflicted husband that gets sicknesses a million times worse then I do. I guess it could be worse, but I'd be lying if I said this isn't sucky!

Ringin' in.

Matt and I spent New Years Eve playing rock band, eating In-n-Out, drinking Austi and Pomegranate Sparkling Cider, and watching shows about Polygamy with Laura, and Eric. I would post pictures of this festive night, but I looked quite horrible in all of them. Of course, as the night went on, I realized that I just wasn't feeling well, and so we decided to head home. I woke up this morning with a high temp, and feeling totally congested. I'm sick. Not exactly the way I hoped to ring in the new year, but what can you do, right?

I'm ready for 2010! Hope you are, too! :-)

A very Hardy birthday.

I love my Jenny! No, really, LOVE her! She has been one of my best friends for years. The friend I can *always* be honest with. She's beautiful. Probably has the best personality, and best sense of humor of anyone I've ever known. Seriously. We spent the day together today, celebrating her birthday over Butcher Shoppe sandwiches, and Safeway cupcakes. Delish! We also hit the Galt flea market, and bought more $1 jewelry then we knew existed, and proceeded to wear every piece. Went to Lodi Lake so Jenny could do some practice photography, then headed back to her house for a little birthday party. It was lovely.

I'm blessed to have Jenny in my life! I loved celebrating her day with her! :-)