Addicted...

Someone help me! I am so addicted to Starbucks! Oh comfort food, how I adore thee! Tonight I hung out with Lexie, and Tessa and walked around Target drinking this- The Caramel Brulee Latte. Heavenly! No, I still cannot justify spending $4 on a cup of coffee, but $4 for a little slice of heaven seems reasonable enough! ;-) It's a good thing! Plus, after taking two 3-hour naps today (still recovering from a respiratory infection), I was feeling a little groggy, and needed a pick-me-up! Some women like shoes, some jewelry, some purses, but I'm a coffee girl!

Grout.

I spent the day with my good friend Sarah today. She and her husband just got a new house, so we were grouting her new tile floor. I love Sarah! She brings perspective to my life! She and I are so much alike, yet so different at the same time. We come from two different church experiences, but both had somewhat similar upbringings. So we understand each-other. It's always nice to have someone to bounce your thoughts off of! Most of our conversations have to do with family, or Christianity, and just life issues. Of course they start out serious, and then one of us says something sarcastic, and has the other one rolling on the floor. It's good stuff. Heck, sometimes if you can't laugh about something, then you have to face how crazy it really is.

Anyway, today we talked over tile and starbucks. We're both going through serious family crap, so it was nice to bounce off of one another a bit. A lot of my friends have really great families, so they kind of don't understand how stressful it can be to have daily family problems. The helplessness of being in the middle, or being the bad guy who has to say something because it's the right thing. Having everyone hate you because you don't tell them what they want to hear. Being the scapegoat when people don't want to be responsible for themselves. As much as I don't wish that upon anyone, it has been nice to have a friend that is in the same boat. At least I don't feel so alone.

It's no secret that I've been really angry the last almost week because of our family stuff. It's no secret that I've been angry for YEARS because of our family stuff. I think Matt and I have just decided that things are never going to change, and that this is what we can expect from now on. That's actually sort of healing in it's own messed up way. It's sad, but why keep trying to make things better if other people want to dwell in their dysfunctional garbage, and will sabotage your efforts to have a good, strong, healthy relationships.

Sarah Reminded me of something tonight that I think applies to this. In Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell talks about how "It's possible for the cross to have done something for a person but not in them". So while it gives them salvation, there is no real growth, and the same things they dealt with before knowing Christ, are the same things they continue to dwell in because they haven't let the Cross work in them. Instead their lives are filled with justification for their actions, and not repentance, however wrong they are. So there is no change in actual behavior. As sad as it is, at least we can feel okay about not trying as hard to make things better.

It makes me examine my own heart. I hope that if my relationship with Christ was gone, my life would look completely different. At least it would mean that I'm not the same person with or without Him.

Amazing!

This is slightly impressive!
;-)

Better...

I feel better today. I just have to remind myself daily that some people aren't worth my time, or energy. I can't say I'm not angry, because I am. Sadly, some people are just selfish, and it doesn't matter how much you give if all they're willing to do is take, and then twist what you give into something it's not. I know who I am, and what my intentions are, and I'm not going to let one sadly mistaken person bring me down again. I do things I do out of love. Not because I'm trying to prove something, not because I'm trying to compete, not because I'm trying to be prideful. I like to serve people. It brings me joy to be able to do something for someone else. It's sad that someone can use that against you. It's especially sad that it could come from another Christian. I'll never understand how this person can say mean, hurtful things to my face and not expect me to internalize them, yet he can take my actions that have nothing at all to do with him, and internalize them. But whatever, I can't understand what doesn't make any sense.

I think Christmas is going to be nice. We're going to spend all of it with my family, which we've haven't done in a long time. It will be nice to avoid the Christmas runaround, and just stay in one place for the whole day. Plus, there is no drama at my aunt and uncles, in fact, it's totally nice to be there. People are considerate of one another, and are happy to be together. I'm really looking forward to it!

We put up the tree last night. It's beautiful! Putting the tree up is one of my favorite Christmas things to do. We went out to get the tree, and it was pouring rain! That didn't stop us! We were determined. We got it home, drank hot cocoa (complete with mini marshmallows) while decorating, and then watched Elf. It was everything I wanted! I'm thankful that things went well, and that despite everything that has been happening, we were able to have a good time.

Unfair.

I was accused of being unfair tonight. It doesn't matter that the person that told me that has said horrible things to me, and about me. Has made me question myself, my motives, my intentions, my heart. Has turned other people against me because of his own crap. SO basically, I'm unfair because after years of being hurt by him, I got angry enough to say something. And then when he said that my husband only agreed with me because he's married to me, I flipped a bit. Sure, I shouldn't have sinned in my anger, but I'm pretty sure that provoking someone to anger isn't good either. Thank God that 1. I have a husband who would tell me if he thought I was being unreasonable, so I know that statement is untrue. 2. That I have a husband that understands me, and knows that if I'm making a stink about something, then it's valid. 3. That I have a husband that listens to me, and loves me enough to stand up for me when I'm right, and not let anyone push me around.

I just don't get it when people want to say what they want to say, but they refuse to own it, or they expect you to somehow decipher this gibberish talk into something with substance. Then they say things in honesty, but want you to figure out what situations to apply it to. High expectations much? How is it that someone can say tons of hurtful things to you, and then tell you that it's your fault for taking it personally? This blatant attempt to try to wiggle out of the effect of the words they say is astounding. I'm the bad guy for taking what someone said, and being hurt by it, but the person who said it doesn't have to take responsibility. That is what's really "unfair". I was punished because of things this person thought about me, even though the thoughts were nothing more then a byproduct of their own insecurities, mixed with some distorted thinking. I was bashed, blamed for everything, and all for no good reason. Everyone swept it under the rug, and pretended it never happened, but I was left to pick up the broken pieces. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of that whole mess. But of course, no one is willing to say that they were wrong. They just pretend like it never happened. I think that's what hurts the most-- this idea that they don't care about the hell I was put through-- that Matt was put through over me doing NOTHING (no really, nothing. Like my very existence is enough to bring up hate) . Wait, that sounds a little "unfair"!

So apparently now I stole his family from him. Nice. Because that's just the kind of person I am-- a "home-wrecker". Once again I am the scapegoat. Because it's way easier to blame someone else for the state of your family situation, then to actually see it for what it is. Like everything was perfect, and jolly before I came around? So when they say "nice guys finish last", they're right. Where did all of this come from? Me being "Nice" and "helpful". I was nice to someone, and they liked me. So now, I'm being punished for that. Heck, I've been punished for that for years. Of course, I can't control this person choosing to not be a part of his family. Of course, now the problem is Matt, but what about the other people this person doesn't make any effort with? Like nieces, nephews, cousins, and siblings? I'm sure that our decision to be a part of their lives is just a ploy to take the whole family over one by one and get them to like us more. Muhahahahaha! My plan is working... Because it couldn't be for any other reason, right? RIGHT??

So a quick recap-- I was called unfair for being upset that someone treats me badly, blames me for things I didn't do, and says awful things to, and about me, who almost ruined my relationship with Matt, and says it's all my fault for taking what he says personally, and for being nice because now people like me more then him. If this is what being "liked" more feels like, I would hate to be "disliked" because this is quite hellish. I just wish I could be myself without someone deciding what my intentions are for me. I have my own family. Family members that love and care about me, that would gladly have Matt and I over for Thanksgiving-- sans drama, or leaving people out. That would never take me being helpful and being a threat, but instead see it as me just being me. Heck, I have friends that don't think the worst of me, and know that I'm not this monster, and aren't grasping for straws looking for someone to blame for their own issues. So I guess this is that last time I'm spending a holiday with someone that refuses to see beyond their own warped thinking. Sad, really.

Traditional.

My favorite time of year is here! Cool weather, leaves changing and falling, rain, and of course, the holidays. I already feel this anxiousness, and anticipation about Thanksgiving and Christmas! Some of my fondest memories are waking up Christmas morning, and having breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle, Grandmother, and cousins. Going around the room, and opening gifts one by one. The whole family would come over, and we'd spend the whole day together. Nowadays, it's not quite the same. A lot of stuff has happened in my family, and so there is only a small group of us that get together. It's still nice. Not quite the same, but still nice. I wish my whole family would still get together, but I still enjoy the time with my aunt (she is incredible, and is good at making things special) uncle, cousins, and of course, the hub. Matt's family is going though a lot of changes too, so things are a tad bit awkward, but we try to spend equal time with everyone.

Matt and I have some of our own Christmas traditions. We get our Christmas tree the day after thanksgiving, exchange a new ornament every year , name our tree (we're super dorky), we decorate it while listening to Christmas music, and drinking hot cocoa. We light it when we're all finished, and just sit and look at it for what seems like hours. There is just something that feels magical having a giant tree twinkling in all it's glory in your living room. Then we watch a Christmas movie (Last year it was elf-- and I'm guessing it will be the same this year because we love it). Christmas eve we exchange Pajamas, and then open our gifts and stockings early Christmas morning. Christmas eve and day are crazy because we try to spilt our time so we can see both of our families. So we spend the moments we have alone cherishing the time, and remembering the reason we celebrate to begin with.

I'm always interested in the special little traditions other people have to make the season more special. Feel free to share-- as long as you're ok with someone else "adopting" some of your ideas! :-)

Long time coming...

I haven't forgotten about blogging. In fact, I've sat here and typed a million times, and then never published one. Most of the times words are easy for me, but they've become harder for me in more recent days.

I can't describe how much I love our little family. My husband and my dog. My most peaceful moments are laying in bed, talking to Matt, with our sweet dog laying at our feet (or on occasion, right in-between us). We're constantly in dysfunctional situations with family, so it feels so good to be just us. To have a moment to breathe, and reflect and dream with my husband. We're still looking for a house, which I'm hoping we'll find sooner rather then later. I'm hopeful that there is something out there that is perfect for us.

Matt is still plugging along in school. I'm proud of him! School doesn't come easy for him, but he is pushing through, studying hard, staying late to ask questions, and passing his classes with flying colors. Not to mention, he's working full time on top of that, and still makes it a point to make time for me.

I'm doing freelance work-- which is slow right now. I'm looking for another job, even considering going back to subbing. I don't think I'm going to, but if I have to I will. I'm thinking about going back to school to get my teaching credentials. We'll see... I don't want to go back to school.

I haven't been going to church. I know I should, but I can hardly convince myself to go. Sure, part of it is that Matt has to work every Sunday again, and going alone is really hard for me. Lets face it though, I'm not going because I'm uncomfortable. Not "God is getting me out of my comfort zone" uncomfortable, but uncomfortable being there. I feel like I just don't belong anymore. I've lost my enthusiasm, my spark, my wanting to be in ministry. Since the "situation" I just don't feel the way I did. I can't get over the hump. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of pretending that it's ok. It's not. Maybe one day it will be, but right now, it's just not. We are doing a great bible study with some good friends once a week that has been good, so we're not completely back-sliding into hell...lol!

Life is crazy. My life is always crazy! Hopefully one day soon things will calm down, and we can catch our breath a bit. For now, we're just trying to roll with whatever comes our way.

Blogging break...

If you follow my blog, then you know it's been awhile. Not for lack of things to say, but mostly too many things to say, but that are hard to put into words. So without getting into too much, things I've been thinking/learning:

That bad things happen to good people. Sometimes really bad things happen to really good people with no real explanation.

That I didn't know what faith was until some of my greatest fears started staring me in the face. And to be honest, it's still a struggle.

That it's ok to say "Sorry, that doesn't work for me" and saying "Oh well" when they get upset about it is called "maintaining boundaries". It only took me 27 years to learn that lesson.

That you can have 300 "friends" on facebook, and still feel intense loneliness when things get hard.

That something that tries so hard to be "different" often ends up to be just as bad, if not worse then the "original".

That sitting on my bed folding clothes could be the most peaceful time of the day.

That the closer you get to God, the more you realize how messy your life is.

That it's ok to eat a cupcake for breakfast now and then.

The beauty of a good song put on "repeat".

When it's time to call something a loss, and move on.

That I never thought I'd hope to have Swine Flu until I had the flu, and realized it wasn't too bad.

How much I had missed getting a good night of sleep.

That one question could dredge up so much pain.

That you can listen to your mp3 player during church worship, and no one will even notice if you wear your hair down. In my defense I was listening to worship music, and was trying to keep myself focused, and not distracted by some resentfulness that keeps rearing it's ugly head.

That I'm a Starbucks addict. Maybe I already knew that.

That sorry Michael W. Smith, friends aren't always "friends forever" just because "the Lords the Lord of them", But I wish it was true.

So anyway, that has been my last few months. It's been a rough road, and I'm not sure when it's going to get better. My future months are going to be filled with vacations, school, work, genetic testing (fun stuff), weddings, and hopefully a Christmas away from home! So some things I'm looking forward to, some answers to important questions, and some things I'm dreading, but all is life. I'm being constantly reminded how good I have it compared to some, and that God really is in control of all things.

If it makes you happy...

Oh how these things have made me happy today!

A very happy dog enjoying the warm sunshine.

A plethora of flip-flops that were not able to sway a purchase out of me.

A pretty garden flower.

A garden tomato ripening on the vine.... yum!

A pot of VERY thirsty basil!

An almost empty laundry basket

My 3rd (!!) jar of sun tea this week!

Thoughts...

My mind is always running. I can't seem to get it to stop. Sometimes it's good because I can think things through, and figure things out rather easily before the stress factor ensures. It's also a huge pain because too much thinking often times leads to too little sleep, and leaves me feeling frustrated about things I can't change. Hence blogging at 1am. I'm tired, I'm spent and I still can't sleep.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. Periodically, I go through this mental checklist I have to make sure I'm where I need to be in all areas of my life. I check my spiritual life, my physical well being, my mental health, and try to make it a point to be balanced. I also reevaluate relationships, and friendships, and try to work on this issues that I am responsible for. I actually learned about how important it is to do that when I was going through counseling years ago after my dad died. It is a good thing for me. It's really helped me to see things for what they are. However it does tend to make me feel a little bit overwhelmed, especially when it coincides other happenings, like right now, moving.

Recently, my "wonderings", so-to-speak, have been all about who I *really* am. Not what I hope to be, not who I was, but the person I am now--successes, faults and all. I'm learning that I am the worst kind of idealist-- a cynical one. I want so badly for things to be good, and great, and I want rainbows, and unicorns, and world peace. However, my life has never ever been like that. So I scoff at the idea that my life will ever look like that. I've lost having expectation's because it's better not to expect good things, and occasionally get them, then to expect things to be great, and be let down again and again.

Relationships are my weakness. For a long time I had certain expectations for my friends and some of my family members. I figured that if I was a good enough friend, or sister, or daughter, or whatever, that it somehow guaranteed a place in their lives for me. That just isn't the case... at all... I have some really great friends-- friends that are my friends because we like being around each-other and we have things in common, and we can talk about anything, and respect differing opinions. Life can keep us apart for months, but we just pick up where we left off, and there are no hard feelings. Then acquaintances, we only really keep up on facebook, and worked with each other for a year, or went to school together. I actually like keeping up with people, no pressure, so I don't mind the "facebookship" at all. Then I have these pseudo-friendships where we were friends, and then just kind of stopped talking. Not for any real reason, but there is tension, and this feeling that they found better people to hang out with, so you never hear from them, unless they want something, or they're lonely, so you're their "backup". Those are the worst. Sadly, I have a few that are just emotionally draining because I resent them. I think it's time to pull the plug-- it's over!

Needless to say, I have a lot going on right now. Maybe my mind will shut off long enough to get some sleep... maybe!