Gardening = Love

I'm so excited about planting my garden this year! Last year was my first ever veggie garden. I spent hours and hours prepping the soil, pulling weeds, finding non-chemical ways to repel pests and weeds, Growing seedlings inside, and then finally transferring them outside. I was delighted when there was noticeable growth. I squealed in delight when I was able to pick my first red, vine ripened tomato, and now have a major issue with those little flavorless, red balls they label "tomato" at the grocery store. It was such a fun experience! Considering that I'm normally a little bit of a brown thumb (I have a cactus right now that's dying despite someone swearing to me that they are immortal) I only had a few gardening "issues":

Snails- I don't like to kill anything, so I kept trying to "repel" them. Well, when they managed to kill my pumpkin plant bite by bite, I no longer felt sorry when I heard the "crunch" underfoot. Though I managed to not kill any intentionally...

The Gardener- My in laws ever-so-graciously allowed me to use some space in their yard for my garden. However, they have a crazy gardener that takes it upon himself to pull out things he doesn't like. So one day I stopped by and realized he had pulled out my sugar snap peas. They were tall, and beautiful. Matt had spent an hour making a pretty bamboo lattice that they could climb. Not only Upon talking to him, he said he though they were going to be out of season soon. He was right, except that "soon" was a month away and I hadn't harvested too many of the "snaps" Sadness!

Scout- We found out he too loves red, ripe, tomato's... He was eating them right off of the vine!

This year, I already know what I'm planting!

Tomatoes (for sure!!)
Zucchini
Eggplant
Green onions
Bell pepper
Carrots
Strawberries (they are from last year)
Herbs

I also need to grow some bee-attracting flowers. Last year my many attempts to grow flowers all failed! So I think I'll throw some Lavender, sunflowers, and lots of wildflowers (note: easy to grow)!

I'm excited!! Hurry up spring!!

We can be negative and cynical or we can be charged and hot wired to find a way through it, over it, around it under it.

Even though my life growing up was, well, turbulent to say the least, I always seemed to find the good in it. Sure, things were rough. Somehow though, i remained fairly thankful for what i did have. I think if I didn't, or couldn't, I would've been in trouble. Sadly, with the progression of years has come a progression of cynicism. Don't get me wrong-I'm exceedingly grateful for the things I have. I am blessed! I just notice that things get to me more and more.

For instance, Christians. It's so sad to me that so many Christians in my life live in a way that makes others have to defend their faith more. For example- I take my dog to the dog park daily. Well, in Lodi, you pretty much know just about everyone. The town is just like that. A lady from my Church, that I don't know very well, often visits daily as well. Well, I've befriended a group of ladies that are not Christians (not that it matters, I don't befriend to convert), and have gotten to know them really well. One day I mentioned that this other woman goes to my church. Well, that was bad timing! A woman in the group of ladies has a dog that barks at every other dog. Well, her dog happened to bark at a dog that belongs to my fellow church goer. Of course, the Church woman came UNGLUED at this lady and screamed in her face about her dog. I was shocked, and seriously mortified! More then anything, I was angry! I know I'm not perfect, and I shouldn't judge her, but I could not believe it! The other woman responded so calmly, and apologized so profusely. It's not suppose to be that way! The person that has Christ is suppose to be the humble one, the one that reacts in a loving way. It hurt my heart to witness it, and in a way, it made me feel like "what's the use of living the right way, when someone can just ruin it in 30 seconds?". I know that's not the right way to think. I can't help it sometimes though.

I have a few good Christian friends that I love. They are real, and they care about people, and they don't buy into this whole fake Christianity crap. The reason they are my friends is because they're genuine. They don't fake their faith- even if that means being honest about their doubts, and where they fail. I'm so thankful for them. Some days, they are all that keep me from cynicism. They give me hope that there is a better way. I've seen the alternative. I experienced life with mean, and downright cruel youth group girls, that teased me and tormented me in Jr. high and high school. Shoot, even some of the leaders played stupid favoritism games. Even into adulthood, I had "friends" (I use that term lightly) that were so rigid in their "faith" that all they ever did was point out my shortcomings, and tried to hold me to ridiculous standards. I still have people in my life that are that way. I guess that's life, right?

I just wish I could separate my feelings from my faith sometimes. My heart is the bleeding kind though, and if something moves me, good or bad, in encompasses my whole self for that moment in time. I just don't want to lose faith in people.

In the words of the Late George Carlin

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist"

Lord isn't THAT the truth!

lent...

Every year I give up something for Lent. Sure, I'm not Catholic, but I think that the season of Lent can be a major learning, and growing experience. Last year I gave up texting. The year before that I gave up Starbucks. This year I think I'm going to give up laziness. Yeah, it's kind of a tough one. I just think of all of the times I could be up doing something... anything! However, I end up choosing to watch TV, or to be on the computer. I'm not saying those things are bad in and of themselves, I mean 95% of my job is on the computer, and I'm not too much of a TV watcher, I just notice that I easily fall into a pattern of eating chips on the couch before taking a walk.

I'm not exactly sure how to keep myself accountable, but I guess just making the decision will make me think more about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. So here's to the next 40 days!! May it be...well... productive!

Shrinking...

I love that my shape is comparable to a fruit...

Good news to report on the diet front, 7lbs down! Woo! It's SOOO hard for me to lose, so some people might think it's a small milestone, but for me it's awesome! I keep my dieting a secret from family, because they tend to bombard me with advice, and watch what I eat, which makes me crazy. But some of them have noticed a change in my weight, which makes me happy, because I can't see it. However I do feel it in the way my clothes fit.

What have I been doing differently? I've actually been eating MORE. Yeah, not necessarily more food, but definitely more often. I think it really keeps my metabolism going throughout the day. For breakfast, I usually have oatmeal, and fruit, or a bowl of some high-fiber cereal. Then some cottage cheese with either mandarin oranges, or peaches as a snack. For lunch I'll have soup (Thai Kitchen-Spring onion is the best) and usually some fruit or something. Then dinner is whatever I end up making for Matt- Taco salad (meatless, of course), Rice bowls, vegetables and dumplings, Boca-burgers and the like. I always always always eat something before I go to bed too, even though they say not to. Otherwise I wake up starving in the morning (which leads me to eat more). So I'll eat something like a scrambled egg, or a small bowl of cereal. Tracking my calorie intake on http://www.calorie-count.com/ helps me so much!!!

I actually haven't been exercising very much at all, other then taking long walks with the dog. I was doing really well, but I am still struggling with not getting enough sleep, so I have no energy. The sleep issue is my biggest heath related issue, so I really need to get it figured out, though I must say I'm getting a ton more sleep then I was a year ago!. I'm still going crazy on the amount of sleep I am getting. Blah! Otherwise though, everything is good. I'm happy that I'm gaining ground--and losing weight!

Just say it...

Have you ever felt like you have so many things that need to be said. Weather it's talking things out with a friend because you have a dissolving relationship, or confronting a parent about things they did to hurt you. Maybe it's wanting to know where a relationship stands, but being afraid to hear the answer. Maybe it's sharing a struggle, or a secret with someone. I don't know. I just know that in my life, I've let many things go unsaid that probably should be talked about. On occasion, those things haunt me. I've withheld comfort from someone, because I know the only way to give comfort, would be to open up about my own experiences, and I was just too afraid. I replay past conversations in my head, and say things to myself like "If only I had said this" or "I wish I had said that". In some situations, it would be too late to say anything, but I can think of a lot of situations where even though the communication break-down happened months ago, it would probably still benefit from being talked about. I just think there is a fine line between talking something out, and beating a dead horse.

There is someone in my life I know I need to talk to. I think about it a lot. This person is someone that I've been pretty close to, and have continually sought approval from. It's definitely the "where do we stand" situation. I mean, we're still friends and everything, but we hit kind of a bumpy road, and everything got messed up. I just feel like I need some reassurance that this person still feels the same way about me, and that I've lived up to the expectations that I know this person has for me. Even so, it's still a hard conversation to have. I mean, if it's not broke, don't fix it...right? However, I know I'll continue to feel this way until we actually talk about it. It's just tough.

I guess that's why I'm such an advocate for "realness". I've seen even the best of relationships go sour because of a fear to be transparent with another person. I've seen the same breakdown in the church, where people think they're the only ones that struggle, because of this fear that being open, means being judged. So everyone keeps quiet. Then those few people that have talked openly feel alone in their struggles if no one else is willing to be as open. If more people would just be honest, and say what needs to be said, I think that there wouldn't be so much depression, and embarrassment about what we go through as people. We all have things we'd like to be open about, things that we need to share, and talk about, but we have this multifaceted fear about being so vulnerable.. this fear of getting hurt. But in the end, if we don't say what needs to be said, it will eat at us. Sometimes the sacrifice of pain is worth the relief that comes with transparency.

"Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say"

Decisions Decisions...

So, I'm officially thinking about going back to school... EEK! Considering last week I wouldn't even consider it, the more I think about it, the mores it feels like the right thing. I think that I've been jaded by the education system. 6 years to get a BA (no I wasn't a slacker, I just couldn't always take full time classes because to had to work a lot) and I honestly learned very very little. Not only that, but getting a BA is pretty much obsolete anymore, unless you're going to be a teacher, or in the medical field or something. Communications...not so much. Not that I don't think education is important! I just think that the gen-ed classes you have to take in college are the same things you learned in high school, and are useless in a field where you're not going to use them. College should be two years of study in the field you want to get into. Sure, some people are going to forget the basics they learned, but why not let everyone take a test to see what they're skills are, and only take mini classes to refresh? Anyway, I digress.

So what would I go to school for? My thought right now is maybe becoming an RN. Sure, I hate going to the doctor, needles, and of course-hospitals. However, I would love to do public health education. I would love to work with teenage mothers, and teach them how to care for their babies, or maybe even be a L&D Doula, or a Post-Partum Doula. I love to serve people, and could see myself fitting in well in a position like that. So we'll see. I would have to take a million Bio courses, even though I've taken some before because I would want to really want to be refreshed (and lets face it, it's been a long time!).

Besides, if Matt can do it (and he is, and I'm SUPER proud of him) I can do it...right?

It's breakin' my heart...

I'm sad for my husband today. All of this crazy family drama has taken it's toll on his spirit. He's been moping around for a few days now. I can't say I blame him. It's stressful, and sad, to say the least. He wants so badly for things to get better, but it's not up to him, and there's really not a whole lot he, or any of us can do about it. I think that's where the frustration lies. I'm glad that he was able to take a day off yesterday, but sadly the day off wasn't for fun, but to be a referee between his parents. In the end, everything turned out OK, but he's always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Matt has such a sensitive spirit. Not in a way that's easily offended, or overly sappy, but in a way that he just cares deeply about people. It's the reason I fell in love with him. When he can't make a situation better, it drives him crazy. He's like a lion and a lamb (minus religious tone). He's the sweetest guy you'll meet, but don't find yourself on his bad side, because he is protective of the things he loves! So the idea of having the choose sides between the people he loves is torturous for him. It's pure torture for me to see him so unhappy, laying in bed with his mind running around, and drilling it into my head that we will never let ourselves get that unhappy.

We're going on a much needed vacation for a couple of days soon, and I'm hoping that it rejuvenates his spirit, and that we'll spend the trip thinking about our own relationship. Until then, I guess we'll just keep taking it a day at a time. Prying that things just get better.

Just Pray...

If you think about Matt and I today, please just say a litte prayer for us, and our families. We've had a lot of family stress as of recent, and could use some good prayers! Thanks always for your love and friendship!!!

~Sarah