Even though my life growing up was, well, turbulent to say the least, I always seemed to find the good in it. Sure, things were rough. Somehow though, i remained fairly thankful for what i did have. I think if I didn't, or couldn't, I would've been in trouble. Sadly, with the progression of years has come a progression of cynicism. Don't get me wrong-I'm exceedingly grateful for the things I have. I am blessed! I just notice that things get to me more and more.
For instance, Christians. It's so sad to me that so many Christians in my life live in a way that makes others have to defend their faith more. For example- I take my dog to the dog park daily. Well, in Lodi, you pretty much know just about everyone. The town is just like that. A lady from my Church, that I don't know very well, often visits daily as well. Well, I've befriended a group of ladies that are not Christians (not that it matters, I don't befriend to convert), and have gotten to know them really well. One day I mentioned that this other woman goes to my church. Well, that was bad timing! A woman in the group of ladies has a dog that barks at every other dog. Well, her dog happened to bark at a dog that belongs to my fellow church goer. Of course, the Church woman came UNGLUED at this lady and screamed in her face about her dog. I was shocked, and seriously mortified! More then anything, I was angry! I know I'm not perfect, and I shouldn't judge her, but I could not believe it! The other woman responded so calmly, and apologized so profusely. It's not suppose to be that way! The person that has Christ is suppose to be the humble one, the one that reacts in a loving way. It hurt my heart to witness it, and in a way, it made me feel like "what's the use of living the right way, when someone can just ruin it in 30 seconds?". I know that's not the right way to think. I can't help it sometimes though.
I have a few good Christian friends that I love. They are real, and they care about people, and they don't buy into this whole fake Christianity crap. The reason they are my friends is because they're genuine. They don't fake their faith- even if that means being honest about their doubts, and where they fail. I'm so thankful for them. Some days, they are all that keep me from cynicism. They give me hope that there is a better way. I've seen the alternative. I experienced life with mean, and downright cruel youth group girls, that teased me and tormented me in Jr. high and high school. Shoot, even some of the leaders played stupid favoritism games. Even into adulthood, I had "friends" (I use that term lightly) that were so rigid in their "faith" that all they ever did was point out my shortcomings, and tried to hold me to ridiculous standards. I still have people in my life that are that way. I guess that's life, right?
I just wish I could separate my feelings from my faith sometimes. My heart is the bleeding kind though, and if something moves me, good or bad, in encompasses my whole self for that moment in time. I just don't want to lose faith in people.
In the words of the Late George Carlin
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist"
Lord isn't THAT the truth!
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