Wednesday, March 27, 2013

And Another Cycle...




Over the last week my panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. After almost two months of only mild anxiety, I, small-mindedly, thought that season must be over. Obviously I was wrong. Bummer!

A series of painful headaches, and dizzy spells have had me pretty wrapped up in thinking something was very wrong with me. On a particularly stressful day of paperwork related to the purchase of our house, I became so dizzy at our Realtors house that I just sat down on the floor cupping my head in my hands, and praying for it to stop. The sweet Indian mother she is immediately brought me a glass of water, and some interestingly delicious crackers. It took almost 20 minutes for me to feel okay. It was madness. My anxiety has always manifested physically. Even my Thyroid condition came up during a really hard, stressful time in my early adulthood. I've always believed that it manifested as a result of constant stress.

I read a really interesting article the other day. Yes, very interesting, but also scary to me. It was talking about the way God brings people to himself-- how he allows certain trials into our lives so we have to look to Him. That His idea of  all things working for our good vastly differ from what we would ask for ourselves. While something in me hates to admit that this has worked, since there are days all I have is Him to get my through, the other part of me is just thankful that I have a source of hope. At the risk of sounding like a suicide risk, I was just telling Matt the other day that I now understand why people with severe anxiety and depression often take their own lives. It is torture to feel helpless to something everyday. During the worst panic attack I've ever had (complete with Matt telling me he was calling 911) I stopped praying that God would help me, and started praying he would take me. That was the night I realized how severe my problem was becoming.

Now that I've educated myself, and have taken the right steps to get the right help, things don't feel as out of control. Even the duration of the attacks have dwindled down from sometimes 2-3 hours of severe "freak out" to 10-20 minutes and not quite as scary as they were. This time I've only woken Matt up once in the middle of the night scared, while between August and October that number was 26 times. So things are slowly getting better, and I'm still married, so that's a bonus!

While I still wish that God would heal me from this, I am also trying to believe that this is Him giving me what I need. Why I need it, I don't know, but I will try my best to Honey Badger through it! :-)

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