Easter was different this year. Matt had to work, so I hung out with his family, and spent most of my day in tears. I just don't fit in with them. I was fortunate enough to have a lovely extended family that just said no to drama-- especially during the holidays. My mom, dad, and sister didn't follow the "no drama" policy, but I spent each and every holiday with extended family. Thankfully. Because of that, I guess maybe my expectations are too high. I know the problem is me. Most holidays with Matt's family I throw myself into the "work" part. Cooking, cleaning, setting everything up. It's easier for me that way. But then I got accused of being competitive, or attention seeking, so I just don't do it anymore. It was just the only way to stay out of any drama, battles of wit, unfriendly debating, or whatever craziness is going on. I tried for a long time to fit in, but the only person I fit in with is Matt. This is his family dynamic. I have to keep reminding myself that this is how they work- except for Matt- which is why I was completely alone in a house full of people. I just need to remember this for next time. I have to make other plans.
Later in the day yesterday, Matt came over on his lunch break. I was relieved to see him, but I knew it would be short lived. I had a little emotional breakdown, and in response he told me to go hang out with his sister- who was also husbandless for Easter. I ended up going to an evening church service with her. At the beginning, I was just asking God to show me what I needed to know. To give me wisdom. As the Pastor prayed, he said "Jesus, we love you more then we love our very lives." That hit me like a ton of bricks. Not because I never heard that before, but I know it's what I was suppose to hear.
I don't love God more then I love my life. I wish I could say I did. I hold on to this life like it's all there is. And to be honest, my life isn't very pretty- at least not right now, and not even for the last few years. Matt and I are surrounded by drama, and insanity. We both have years of craziness that we're trying to heal from. Some personal stuff we're trying to figure out. And while in the mist of that we both feel tremendously blessed by the way God has protected us from a lot, and has given us both the desire to not repeat what we've been through, I know in my heart that complete healing won't come this side of heaven. I just don't know why I hold onto all of this so tightly. Why I fear death so much. Why I'm so afraid to hand my life over and tell God he's in control of it all. He is even if I don't like it. Maybe once I finally relinquish control is when things will really start to change. I'm starting to think that the only thing that holding on is doing, is keeping me from experiencing the life I could have, that life HE wants me to have.