It happened. Not only did it happen, but it made me sort of laugh. I heard my first "Sarah walked away from God" rumor. Huh. Of course, it was from someone that doesn't even really know me-- which is to be expected. It's been almost 5 months since I've been to church-- not counting Easter with my sis-in-law. It's been a tough road, but I don't think I would trade it for anything. While I have questioned God very very much in those months, I haven't done it out of anger towards God ( though I'd be lying if I said bitterness was never part of our conversation) but of wanting to know why this had to happen, and what I need to be learning about God, church and myself. I feel like I've learned a lot. Funny how you can allow trials to seperate you from Him, or you can allow yourself to depend on Him to get through. I'm learning that when I "lean on my own understanding" I make stupid choices. I need help. I need wisdom.
I am thirsty. Probably more thirsty then I've ever been. But goodness, I have learned that I depended on going to church to satisfy that. I checked God off my list of things to do for the week, and went on with my merry, happy Christian life. I have a new found love and respect for Jesus. I'm in control of my relationship with Him-- if I don't make time to spend learning, praying, and sometimes just being quiet, I no
longer get false satisfaction of having gone to Church and paid my dues. It's on me. If my relationship with God is bad, it's completely my issue. Not that it ever wasn't my issue!
Now, I'm not bashing going to Church. In fact, I'm one part hesitent to fine a new church, and ten parts excited. But I really believe that I needed this. I needed to be on the outside looking in. I needed to be on my own a bit. Half to get over what I've been through (even though I'm still fighting through bitterness) and half to reaffirm my faith. In fact, even this misplaced comment has served me in a good way. I'm not trying to bash my accuser, but how narrow-minded to assume that someone has "fallen from grace" because they aren't going to church. I know I've been on the flip-side of that coin and judged others for leaving. How narrow-minded of ME. The reason it made me laugh is because I know all to well how it can be on the inside. Being on the outside is tough. Even though it's only the outside with Church. I will never look at "outsiders" the same way again.
He has been so kind to me. In my bitterness, my discontentment, my sometimes intense frustration over the whole thing. I don't deserve so much grace. But in the words of my good friends Relient K "I'm never falling out of favor with Him". And in the words of matts moms friend-- Kathy Hubbard "girl, you better own that!" I do! I own that! :-) not to mention the immense support he's provided me with. I'm so so so so
blessed!
P.S-- I wrote this entire post laying in bed on my iPhone! So forgive me if there are some crazy typos! Auto-correct can be a tricky thing! ;-)
No comments:
Post a Comment