I've been blessed with a heart that loves people. I do! So why is it that right now I can hardly stand anyone? I think I'm overloaded. Is it sad that I keep the friends I love the most away because I'm afraid I'll end up hating them? That others I keep away because they're so critical of me that I leave feeling like the worst person on the planet, but when they need something they call me? Am I too trusting? Am I a bad person for feeling that way? I have so many questions, and no answers.
I often feel like people love me for what I can do for them-- and not because I'm me. This isn't unfounded--sadly. Like the other night when I was supposed to do something for a friend, and a crazy stressful situation came up, and I had to deal with it first. I still followed through with what I said I'd do, it just took me a bit longer. It wasn't even very important. I left feeling so stressed out, and with my "friend" letting me know how disappointed she was even though she knew it was out of my control. I cared enough to help her out, but no one cared about me. Maybe that's selfish of me to say. But it's how I really feel. As soon as I stop "putting out" (intentional bad choice of words) or stop making all the effort, the friendship ends, or I'm the bad guy. Maybe it's not really a friendship at all. But it still hurts to know that as soon as I say no, or I need something, everyone is gone. It's even hard to write this because I don't want the criticism.
Today, someone I don't even know super well did something nice for me. It meant the world to me even though it was a small gesture. I enjoyed it, but couldn't help but wonder if she sometimes feels the same way I do. She has a lot to offer, and she does a lot for other people. She's been blessed in many ways, and likes to share the blessings-- which is awesome. I just know how people who are willing often get the short end. I hope she knows how much better she made me feel today-- and how thankful I am!