Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Socially dysfunctional...

I've changed so much. Weird way to start a blog-- I know! I don't know what else to say. I feel like we're in a day and age where it's so easy to be social. Everyone is a text, voicemail, or facebook away. 10 years ago, that would be a dream, but it's my 27 year-old nightmare! I feel overwhelmed by it all. By the pressure. By the inability to ignore anything (or anyone) because of the many ways to be contacted. Maybe I have something wrong with me, but it's stressing me out!

I've been blessed with a heart that loves people. I do! So why is it that right now I can hardly stand anyone? I think I'm overloaded. Is it sad that I keep the friends I love the most away because I'm afraid I'll end up hating them? That others I keep away because they're so critical of me that I leave feeling like the worst person on the planet, but when they need something they call me? Am I too trusting? Am I a bad person for feeling that way? I have so many questions, and no answers.

I often feel like people love me for what I can do for them-- and not because I'm me. This isn't unfounded--sadly. Like the other night when I was supposed to do something for a friend, and a crazy stressful situation came up, and I had to deal with it first. I still followed through with what I said I'd do, it just took me a bit longer. It wasn't even very important. I left feeling so stressed out, and with my "friend" letting me know how disappointed she was even though she knew it was out of my control. I cared enough to help her out, but no one cared about me. Maybe that's selfish of me to say. But it's how I really feel. As soon as I stop "putting out" (intentional bad choice of words) or stop making all the effort, the friendship ends, or I'm the bad guy. Maybe it's not really a friendship at all. But it still hurts to know that as soon as I say no, or I need something, everyone is gone. It's even hard to write this because I don't want the criticism.

Today, someone I don't even know super well did something nice for me. It meant the world to me even though it was a small gesture. I enjoyed it, but couldn't help but wonder if she sometimes feels the same way I do. She has a lot to offer, and she does a lot for other people. She's been blessed in many ways, and likes to share the blessings-- which is awesome. I just know how people who are willing often get the short end. I hope she knows how much better she made me feel today-- and how thankful I am!

5 comments:

Jamie Stavenger said...

I'm glad you got to experience the receiving end, even if it was small. We recognize your heart for people, Sarah, and love that about you. I know it's easy to get abused in the midst of it. I do hope I get to see you again soon- I'll be back in Stockton week after next. Let's grab coffee! Love you!

Sarah said...

Thanks, Jamie! It's hard because I love to serve, and I don't do it expecting something in return. I really don't! I just sometimes feel like people are so used to me saying "yes" that when I say "no" they get offended. I don't want to stop serving people-- I just want the same consideration that they want/expect from me. I'm a person with feelings, and needs, too. I want to help, but sometimes I can't. And it's not personal-- ya know? :-)

Γ.Ι.Δ.Α said...

http://igitha.blogspot.com/

H said...

You're not socially dysfunctional! I completely know how you feel. If you are always the one who is there for you friends, and listening to them when they have a problem, and helping them when they need you, that is fine. But who is there for you?

Srijeet said...

It's quite common to feel that we'e always on the receiving end and what we're experiencing is not justified specially after the love and unselfish behavior from your end.But life's always been harsh and even though we fail to admit we do have certain expectations from life and the people around.I can empathize with what you're feeling right now cause at some point of time I've felt the same. But I've learnt to ignore and look at the brighter side of life.
Atleast feel good about the fact that people look upto you.There are many who are lonely.
Subconsciously we're always expecting so just try to curb it and you'll feel much better.