Grout.

I spent the day with my good friend Sarah today. She and her husband just got a new house, so we were grouting her new tile floor. I love Sarah! She brings perspective to my life! She and I are so much alike, yet so different at the same time. We come from two different church experiences, but both had somewhat similar upbringings. So we understand each-other. It's always nice to have someone to bounce your thoughts off of! Most of our conversations have to do with family, or Christianity, and just life issues. Of course they start out serious, and then one of us says something sarcastic, and has the other one rolling on the floor. It's good stuff. Heck, sometimes if you can't laugh about something, then you have to face how crazy it really is.

Anyway, today we talked over tile and starbucks. We're both going through serious family crap, so it was nice to bounce off of one another a bit. A lot of my friends have really great families, so they kind of don't understand how stressful it can be to have daily family problems. The helplessness of being in the middle, or being the bad guy who has to say something because it's the right thing. Having everyone hate you because you don't tell them what they want to hear. Being the scapegoat when people don't want to be responsible for themselves. As much as I don't wish that upon anyone, it has been nice to have a friend that is in the same boat. At least I don't feel so alone.

It's no secret that I've been really angry the last almost week because of our family stuff. It's no secret that I've been angry for YEARS because of our family stuff. I think Matt and I have just decided that things are never going to change, and that this is what we can expect from now on. That's actually sort of healing in it's own messed up way. It's sad, but why keep trying to make things better if other people want to dwell in their dysfunctional garbage, and will sabotage your efforts to have a good, strong, healthy relationships.

Sarah Reminded me of something tonight that I think applies to this. In Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell talks about how "It's possible for the cross to have done something for a person but not in them". So while it gives them salvation, there is no real growth, and the same things they dealt with before knowing Christ, are the same things they continue to dwell in because they haven't let the Cross work in them. Instead their lives are filled with justification for their actions, and not repentance, however wrong they are. So there is no change in actual behavior. As sad as it is, at least we can feel okay about not trying as hard to make things better.

It makes me examine my own heart. I hope that if my relationship with Christ was gone, my life would look completely different. At least it would mean that I'm not the same person with or without Him.