Going First...

It's hard to describe the million different emotions I've felt this week. Intense fear, relief, peace, stomach-churning anxiety, happiness, and  more vulnerability than I've allowed myself to experience in a very long time. Feelings are uncomfortable-- especially when you're a sensitive Sally like me.  Even more so when you're dealing with an anxiety disorder like I am.

I've been keeping my heart safe. Putting up nearly impenetrable walls in a feeble effort to protect myself from any pain. Diving into work, and our house and distracting myself from life. I got myself into a comfortable routine. For me , panic attacks are nearly non-existent in routine. My mind is so occupied  at work that I don't panic there. A solid 8 hours of sleep, and a hot bath keeps me grounded. It's when I'm alone, tired and vulnerable-- a bundle of thoughts, concerns and insecurities. It's an internal terror that I don't ever want to face. I'm in tears just writing that. It controls me. Churning inside of my heart and mind until I would do almost anything to make it stop. It's a desperately painful cycle. The more panic attacks I have, the more overall anxious I become.  It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. Just waiting for impact. All. The. Time.

This week threw me out of my routine. Both beautifully and painfully so. I experienced some reconciliation in a relationship. If I were being totally honest. I'd say I'm terrified. I know that there will be bumps, and expectations. I know how broken I am when it comes to relationships. The older you get, the more aware of your faults you become. I'm aware-- very aware of my shortcomings. I don't want to mess things up. I really hope I don't. Really.

We had family in town this week. I didn't eat well. I didn't sleep well. I let tense situations get to me, and have paid in panic attacks. I've spent time alone in tears all while assuring others that I'm okay. Even tonight. even with Matt. I'm tired of burdening people with it. At the same time I know how important it is for me to be honest about it. I want to go first. I want to make my issue a sorce of comfort for people that struggle with the same things. I want people to know that I'm not perfect. I find the most freedom in that. I want others to feel that freedom.

If I were honest, I would admit that I feel like I'm drowning. I forgot how terrible the panic makes me feel. Or how much of a pretty face I put on because I don't want people to know, or worry about me.

If I were honest, I'd say I don't know what to do. I can't always control my routine. Does that mean I'm always going to struggle with this?

If I were honest, I would tell you how much I just want to run away. But I know from experience that that doesn't fix a thing.

I'm a total hypocrite. Not even 24 hours ago I was doling out advice based on my struggles. Advice that I've clearly ignored today. That makes me angry at myself.

I have to figure this out.