Top 10 of 2010!

In honor of 2010, I've decided to post my favorite things about the last year-- in no particular order.

10) Gaining prospective. Matt and I together gained some prospective about certain things in our lives. It wasn't an easy process-- that's for sure. However, I firmly believe that trails produce character. If we didn't gain prospective, or learn anything from the hardships in our lives, we would be wasting opportunities to grow.

9) Learning to let go. I had some things I was holding onto, and by doing so it was holding me back from the joy I could have been experiencing in my life. I know I can't change the past. All I can do is acknowledge that I was hurt, and move forward. Baby steps. Those feelings still creep up now and then, but I feel so much peace.

8) iPhone! Do you like how I went from deep stuff to materialism? That's just how I roll. ;-) I'm so glad I took the plunge into modern technology! No more getting lost. No more having people complain that they could never contact me. No more wondering how I was going to surf the web while taking a bath. Yes, iphone-- you have changed my life!

7) Kittens. I said I would never own Cats. However, this girl has a huge, (and at times) annoyingly soft heart for all living things. So I took some kittens home with the idea that I'd find them each a new home. Well, all three got a home-- but two of them got a home with us. Now that we have them, they are a part of our little family. They provide some awesome entertainment!

6) New Job. I'm working at a Veterinary hospital in Tracy, Ca. I hated my first 3 months. I can't watch Lion King without bawling my little eyes out, so if you can imagine the sad scenarios of a Vet clinic, you could imagine why I would hate it. I cried every. single. day. I told Matt that I almost felt bipolar-- I'd be fine, and BAM something would make me lose it. I still shed some tears on occasion. But I work with great people, and am learning that the happy parts are great, and the sad parts are the reality of life's process. I can honestly say now that I really like it.

5) Unanswered Prayers. Yes, like the song. There are things that I have been hoping and praying for in my life. There were lots of situations in the last year where I thought I wanted some specific thing, but in hindsight, am thankful I don't always get what I think I want.

4) Beautiful Memories. 2010 will be in my head for years to come. Matt and I took lots of little trips, which I always enjoy. Some of my favorites though aren't what you'd expect. Like sitting in the hospital waiting room for 6 hours watching the Olympics together when Matt had MRSA, or crying over coffee at the downtown starbucks feeling complete brokenness. All part of life-- but trying to see the beauty in all of it!

3) Friendships Gained and Lost. 2010 was a crazy relationship year. I committed to myself at the beginning of 2010 that I was going to get rid of any drama-- or dramatic people in my life. I've never been very good at placing boundaries, or standing up for myself. So there were some friendship deaths this year. Some bloody-- but necessary. There were also friendships strengthened-- and even though I can count my good friends on one hand, I'm happy. Bad friendships make you appreciate good friends that much more.

2) A Better Marriage. For a few months there, Matt and I were feeling a little disconnected. Our schedules left very little time to spend together, and we weren't quite understanding each other the way we normally do-- which led to some frustrating conflict. We're working through it, and are already feeling the effects of our commitment to work it out, spend more time together, and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

1) A Renewed Hope for the Future. 2009 was a hard HARD year. I went through a time of feeling depressed, hopeless, intensely frustrated, and all around awful. I wasn't sleeping-- it was one of the most painful seasons of my life. 2010 brought some renewed hope. I started praying that the painful seasons of my life wouldn't be in vain. That they would bring renewed clarity, and peace to my life. It still hurts, but I know now that it was all for a reason. I'm praying for more of the same in 2011!

My hope for 2011 is to experience more true, lasting joy. To be able to see the good in all situations. To get past anxieties that have held me back, and truly experience life to the fullest. To soak up any blessings that come my way, and use them to bless the lives of others!

Happy New Year!

It's that time of year...

Truth.

Ah. I can't explain in adequate words how wonderfully wonderful it feels to be typing away. I missed my free therapy blog dearly. Writing is definitely the outlet the suits me best.

My soul feels lighter already.

If you're my Facebook "friend", you know that I've been going through some relationship stuff. It's been messy to say the least. The thing that hurts me the most isn't what has been said about me. It's the fact that I allow myself to feel bad about myself that are untrue. I allow the opinions of others to affect the way I view myself.

We've all had people get angry at us. We have all let people down in one way or another. I know that. I'm not a perfect person. A perfect friend. A perfect wife. A perfect employee. While I tend to be really hard on myself, I've learned that we all have weaknesses. I'm learning to accept my limitations as a person. I am one person. I've always tried to do it all, and be everything for everyone. I'm married,I have more responsibilities, I need to have time to myself, I need to be there for my husband. People in my life got so used to me always being there, that they now feel slighted when I'm not always there. It makes me sad because while I never want to disappoint anyone, I have to protect myself from getting overwhelmed.

So what is the truth? The truth is that I don't feel "safe" with many people. That I hardly spend any time with Matt because our schedules are opposite with work and school. That I've been having health issues, and have been dealing with exhaustion and anxiety on a daily basis. That a lot of the time I prefer being alone. And lastly, the truth is that I shouldn't have to apologise, or justify my reasons for being kind of scarce as of late. I've always tried to be understanding of the situations of other people. All I'm asking now is for the same understanding. I'm going to be okay. I'm not asking for anything else-- I just need to take better care of myself. I can't do that when I'm being pulled in 100 different directions.

So I'm not going to feel bad. I'm going to give myself some breathing room, spend some time with Matty, cherish the friends that know me well enough to cut me a little slack right now, and relax. I don't have time, energy, or any desire to deal with anything else.

Insecurities and blogging.

I loved writing here when I thought no one really read my thoughts, and now that I know people do, I feel so insecure. I know that is kind of strange. The whole point of a blog is making your thoughts public. Right? So forgive me if it seems I'm neglecting my blog. I'll be back in full force eventually. Hopefully. As soon as I can work out this monster that lives in my head telling me I'll never be good enough.

My entire life I've been surrounded by hyper-critical people. I've been told I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid, that I'm not pretty enough, that I can't do anything right, and have had my reasons for being "me" questioned. As much as I wish I could say that knowing God, and what he thinks of me, and that he made me exactly who I am would fix this. I'm still a broken person.

I'm going through things I wish I could share. That I wish I could be honest about, but because I fear judgement, and fear the things that will be said, I won't. Maybe one day I'll be completely honest. For now, I just need to figure out how to be me without worrying what other people think.

Non-Labor Day!

I have today off! WooHoo! I'm so excited that I made plans too watch too much TV, and do too much laundry. I bet you're jealous! ;-)

I spent day one of my two days off in a row visiting lovely, beautiful, ridiculously crowded, Santa Cruz with Miss Jenny. What started out as a plan to meet in Elk Grove for lunch a Noodles & Co turned into a full-blown road trip. Despite our many stops along the way (my work, Starbucks, 99 cent store, and a random hole-in-the-wall for a bathroom break), and the insane traffic, we managed to make it to Downtown SC without dying--which is a good thing. Our last out-of-town adventure almost ended when a deer darted in front of Jenny's car. No bueno! We narrowly escaped with our lives--though I'm sure the deer felt the same way!

Downtown Santa Cruz offered us the things we love--Pizza my heart, The Italian market I adore, interesting people, interesting signs, and perfect weather. We had lunch, then ate coconut chips until we felt like vomiting, and laughed until we couldn't breathe. We have the craziest conversations! After realizing that there was no way we would make it to the boardwalk, due to the sheer amount of people, we decided to drive Hwy 1 until we found a beach that wasn't insanely busy. We found a beach we had visited on our last trip to Half Moon Bay! We headed down to the shore, took some pictures, got far too close to a dead sea lion carcass (there was so much dead wildlife we just called it carcass beach), when we finally found a safe place to sit, we were almost swept away by a wave--so we headed back to the safe, warm car.

We continued on Hwy 1 until we reached Cameron's Pub--by far my favorite spot in HMB! We were far too full from lunch to eat, so we took advantage of their bathroom, bought some chips from England for one of my co-workers, and took far too many pictures! Down the way from the pub is a great trail, so I had the bright idea to walk the trail to the rocky beach cliffs. The idea came to an abrupt end when Jenny *thought* she heard a snake in the grass and actually RAN back to the car. Oh Jenny. :-) Before we left for home we made one more stop at a little fruit stand. We purchased figs, cherries, and peaches. Soooo yummy! Once we got to Pleasanton, we made our second Starbucks stop of the day. WELL worth it. The Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate has been playing my heart strings as of late. It feels a lot like love!

Today, my stomach still hurts from laughing so hard! Great way to spend a day!

Blog-

It's been a good week. Last weekend I house-sat for some good friends, and even though I had to work Saturday, it was a nice little staycation! I'm one of those people that can go and go for a long time, but I need my time to do nothing but sleep and watch the Food Network, too! (BTW, anyone watching NFNS?? Team Aarti!!) I missed my dog, so it was nice to get back home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy being sloth-like for about 24 hours! I also got to hang out with Jenny-- which is always fun/wonderful! She makes me laugh, and if you know me, you know laughing is about my most favorite thing ever! I love laughing, making others laugh, watching other people laugh-- I'm a laugh-a-holic! :-)

I'm finally getting the hang of things at my new job, which is nice too! Have I talked about my new job here? I'm working at a veterinary hospital in Tracy. I still have side projects going, which is good-- I like the variety! The first month at the new job was really hard. I love animals, and have had a million different animals growing up, but as far as the medical side, I'm pretty clueless! So the steep learning curve paired with not being able to keep my emotions in check (I was crying every time an animal had to be euthanized) didn't make for a great situation at first. Now I actually like going. I'm catching on, and while I still cry everyday, I'm not as much of a mess as I was. Of course, I did have someone ever-so-sweetly (not) tell me (on facebook) that I'm "wasting my education". Nice, huh? To which I replied "That depends on how you define education. I don't think it stops when you graduate. Do you?" I'd be lying if I said I wasn't proud of my comeback-- I was! I'm happy, I'm always working on writing projects, I try my best at what I do, and that makes me happy.

This next weekend Matt and I are headed to Monterey for a little whale watching adventure! I've never been, so I'm pretty excited. I love the ocean, and I really love ocean life, so it's a perfect day trip. I should also mention I get to take my dog-- which makes me really happy! Now we're praying for no sea-sickness (I'm prone to motion sickness, but I've been out to sea a few times and was fine) and nice weather! Can't wait!

Socially dysfunctional...

I've changed so much. Weird way to start a blog-- I know! I don't know what else to say. I feel like we're in a day and age where it's so easy to be social. Everyone is a text, voicemail, or facebook away. 10 years ago, that would be a dream, but it's my 27 year-old nightmare! I feel overwhelmed by it all. By the pressure. By the inability to ignore anything (or anyone) because of the many ways to be contacted. Maybe I have something wrong with me, but it's stressing me out!

I've been blessed with a heart that loves people. I do! So why is it that right now I can hardly stand anyone? I think I'm overloaded. Is it sad that I keep the friends I love the most away because I'm afraid I'll end up hating them? That others I keep away because they're so critical of me that I leave feeling like the worst person on the planet, but when they need something they call me? Am I too trusting? Am I a bad person for feeling that way? I have so many questions, and no answers.

I often feel like people love me for what I can do for them-- and not because I'm me. This isn't unfounded--sadly. Like the other night when I was supposed to do something for a friend, and a crazy stressful situation came up, and I had to deal with it first. I still followed through with what I said I'd do, it just took me a bit longer. It wasn't even very important. I left feeling so stressed out, and with my "friend" letting me know how disappointed she was even though she knew it was out of my control. I cared enough to help her out, but no one cared about me. Maybe that's selfish of me to say. But it's how I really feel. As soon as I stop "putting out" (intentional bad choice of words) or stop making all the effort, the friendship ends, or I'm the bad guy. Maybe it's not really a friendship at all. But it still hurts to know that as soon as I say no, or I need something, everyone is gone. It's even hard to write this because I don't want the criticism.

Today, someone I don't even know super well did something nice for me. It meant the world to me even though it was a small gesture. I enjoyed it, but couldn't help but wonder if she sometimes feels the same way I do. She has a lot to offer, and she does a lot for other people. She's been blessed in many ways, and likes to share the blessings-- which is awesome. I just know how people who are willing often get the short end. I hope she knows how much better she made me feel today-- and how thankful I am!

G Double O D Good.

Busy. That sums up my last month pretty well. I started a new job, am still doing my old one, still looking for a house, fostering two kittens, and still trying to find time to sleep, and spend more then 30 seconds a day with Matt. It's been a challenge. I'm definitely not bored-- so that's a great thing!

Matt took a day off last Wednesday, and I have Wednesday of every week off, so we took a trip to Santa Cruz. It was a fantastic trip! We napped on the beach, walked the Boardwalk, played mini golf (both of us got a hole-in-one at the end and each won a free game...score!). Then we played in the arcade. Matt played a game where you are adding air to a balloon until it pops. I went first, and added so much air, but no pop. Matt went next and hit it perfectly on the target that is an automatic win. The balloon popped, and the machine then popped out 600 tickets, which Matt gave to two little girls saving their tickets for a larger prize. Ah, I love him! Matt went body surfing, and I watched-- The weather was warm, but windy and the water was freezing! I picked up my phone once the entire time, then put it away for the duration. Before heading home, we headed to "Pizza my Heart" (of course) and then walked through the Italian Market next door. I drooled over the vegan cupcakes, but refrained for sheer lack of room!

On our way out of town, we both proclaimed that this had been the best day trip ever. No pressure, lots of fun, and a much needed break. I cherish those memories!

So, that being said-- life is good! Crazy, and hectic, but good!

Because I just don't have the energy to *really* blog today...

I'm stealing today's blog from my good cyber friend, Erin! Thanks Erin! :-)

Favorite thing to do on vacation: Sleep. After I'm well rested I love to explore by foot. Exploring by car freaks me out because I get very lost very quickly. I also enjoy the pool/spa if we're staying in a hotel!

Favorite thing to do when there isn't anything planned: Blogging, reading, goofing off on the Iphone, Napping.
Favorite US City: Not that I've been to many, but at the risk of sounding cliché, I love San Diego. I wouldn't want to live there, but I really love to visit.
Favorite city to visit outside of the U.S. of A.: Um. Mexicali? The only out-of-country travel I've done is to Mexico.
Favorite Board Game: Monopoly, Scrabble or Cranium. I LOVE most of them!
Favorite Food: Kase Knoepfla, Yellow Potatoes, Kugen (can you tell I'm german?), and almost any other ethnic food.
Favorite Music: I listen to it all. Last night I heard "Get Low" followed by "Voice of Truth" in random order on my iphone... lol!
Favorite Book: My Favorite is "Hinds Feet on High Places"-- hands down! But I have quite a few that I enjoy. I'm not into fiction very much though. I love biographies, Christian living, and even some self-help books. Depends on the day.
Favorite Pair of Shoes: My sparkle Chucks. However, they are dying. There is a hole forming in the big toe area, but that doesn't stop me from wearing them.
Favorite Color(s): Greens/blues/reds
Favorite thing to do to make someone else smile: I love to joke around with people. It's amazing how little jokes can lighten your mood!
Favorite gifts to receive: For the most part, getting gifts makes me uncomfortable. However, I am into practical gifts, and gift cards.
Favorite gifts to give: Whatever they want! :-)
Favorite Summer Activity: Being inside under an air conditioning vent, or in a pool. The heat makes me SOOO sick.
Favorite Winter Activity: Anything if it's by a fire...
Favorite Fall Activity: Decorating! I love fall decor!
Favorite Spring Activity: Gardening. I didn't plant a garden this year, and I really miss it!

These are a few of my favorite things...

Doesn't that just make you want to break out in song?? It makes me want to throw on some PJ's

and lay on the couch and watch the entire movie!

Ok, here it goes!

Space Saver Bags:

I'm a skeptic, but I've had strangely good luck with infomercial items. The Space Saver bags did not disappoint! All of mine and Matt's winter clothes, and jackets in 2 flattened bags! I wasn't sure what to do with them since we are so limited on space, so I'm storing them in a large suitcase under our bed! I'm going to go back to Target this afternoon for some jumbo-sized bags for our warm winter bedding, and extra pillows! Did I mention that sucking all of the air out is strangely entertaining?

100 Calorie Starbucks Frappuccino:

Uh huh! This makes me happy. Not only did I not continue on my caffeine detox, but I actually increased the amount that I drink. Bad-- SOOO bad! Between my allergy meds, and starting a new job, I've needed the extra energy! Not to mention that I've lost 20lbs in a month just watching my calories(which is a miracle with thyroid issues). It does contain artificial sweeteners, which I'm not a fan of, but once I can finally get this extra weight off, I'll worry about that. For now, I'm basking in the glow of low-cal!

Lavender Serenity Downey:

If you want soft, great smelling clothes, you HAVE to try this Downey! I am pretty allergic to smelly detergents, but I haven't had a reaction to this! It smells SOOO good! Matt even likes it, and he doesn't like any strong smells. I can't really explain it, but it's fantastic!

Right now I have lots of favorites, but these are my favorite favorites by far! ;-)

Complexity...

I want to be happy. I want to be successful at the right things. I want a life of love. I want fond memories. I want peace. I want hope. I want a joyful heart. I want a family. I want to do the right thing by others. I want to live a good life. My question is: Who doesn't? Who wouldn't want to live a good, happy life?

I know we all make choices that are against what we really do believe. We've all been hypocrites in one respect or another. However, I will never understand why people self-sabotage. Why people would intentionally wreak relationships with their loved ones. Why people seek rebellion from the right things, as if right things represent weakness. Why some people insist on making life so complicated-- not just for themselves, but for everyone in their lives. Those who live with a dangerous case of reckless abandon, and don't care what others think, or who they trample along the way. We should care about other people, and what they think to an extent-- Especially the ones that we claim to love!

It's been a long, emotional week. While things in my life have actually been seriously good, family issues keep coming up. Situations where if people cared about the feelings of others there would be no issue. It's hard to believe that some of these people thrive when things are complex, and dramatic. I like simple, straightforward, to the point-- but in a kind non-"bitchy" (for lack of a better term) way. You want me to be somewhere-- tell me. You want me to do that-- let me know what you want. I'm not a mind reader-- I have no crystal ball. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE dragging information out of people.

Rewind to last week. I asked a family member a question. "Would you want to go to (blank at blank on blank)?" (Matt and I had told this family member that there was a chance we would be out of town on this day, but plans changed) "" So I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get a straight answer. When I did, it turns out the person had other plans. So I not only wasted 20 minutes of my time, but the end of the reply was "If you want to come too, you'll have to call and ask so in so if it's ok.". I don't invite myself to events-- even though this was one of those family things that you typically wouldn't leave close family out of, I decided 1) If they wanted me to be there, I wouldn't have had to drag information out. and 2) It was an event with Matt's family, and he would be at work anyway, so I am perfectly fine and happy staying home. Apparently that was the WRONG choice.

Fast forward to the day of said event. As family is about to walk out the door, I in sweats, with my hair back in the middle of laundry, I am asked if I'm coming to lunch. I reply "no". When asked "why not" I reply "I wasn't invited". That's when it hit the fan. I had not planned on going, wasn't ready to go, then ended up being the bad guy because I wasn't going to an event that I wasn't invited to. Wah? They told Matt I ruined everything because I didn't go. Matt was already aware of the situation, and knew exactly what had happened, and defended me-- thankfully! I'm still not even sure how I ruined anything. I mean, if I was wanted, wouldn't the information be given to me? You don't wrap an invitation in duct tape if you want to person to be there, right? RIGHT? Just leave out all the shady crap and tell me what the freak you want!

I'd be lying if I said I didn't believe that maybe people set themselves up to be upset. This isn't the first time Matt and I have been left out. We've tried to communicate with them about it, but it always ends up a huge fight because "feelings" don't matter around here. "I feels" are met with eye rolls, and guilt tripping. After the last blow-up, we said "no more". Honestly though, leave me out-- but don't exclude Matt. It hurts him so much, and his pleas to be included are met with more of the same. It's heart-breaking. I just don't get it. Why make things so difficult? Why the strife? Why the fighting? So we're at the point where we just stop trying and start living our own life. We want joy and happiness. We want success in the right things. Dramatic crap is not part of what we want.

I cracked...

I've been trying my hardest to give up caffeine! I did so well for weeks, but today ::EPIC FAIL:: (That was for you, Sarah Y.!). Yes, I went to Starbucks on my way to the DMV, and enjoyed every single sip of my extra-hot, non-fat, vanilla latte! Mmmmm! It turned my stomach into a hot pit of sugary goodness! De-light-ful! Of course, now my heart is crazily beating out of my chest-- which is the very reason I decided to give it up in the first place. Ah. I don't regret my decision too much--I definitely needed the jump-start this morning!

Speaking of indulgence, I've been back on the diet wagon the last couple of weeks. The weight thing has been the biggest obstacle in my life, not because of how I feel about myself, but how other people feel. I've been an emotional eater since childhood. It doesn't help that if I'm not outright dieting I gain weight--so I always have to think about it. The catch 22 with emotional eating is that as soon as someone makes a comment about my weight, I want to turn to food. When you struggle with weight, it's the first weapon people use when they're upset at you. I can't even begin to describe the hurtful (often deliberately so) comments that have been aimed in my direction by my family, my in-laws, friends, people I hardly know--craziness! If nothing else, what a lack of creativity! ;-) Yesterday ended up being an emotional eating day, but I kept myself in check. I over-indulged a bit, but not too bad. Letting the crap of other people prevent me from reaching my goals is my fault. I wish I had learned this lesson years ago!

+/-

+ The perfect pair of jeans. They were $10 at Marshals, and buy far the best $10 investment I've ever made.

- Adult acne. I have more acne now then I ever did as a teen. I've tried a million different treatments and am still getting break-outs. What gives?

+ Looking forward to getting away for our anniversary. Can't believe it's been 3 years!

- Allergy season--yuck!

+ House shopping.

- HOUSE SHOPPING!!

+ Netflix for Wii-- my new favorite thing! I'm not a huge movie fan, but TV shows galore!

- TV and internet-- what a time suck! I'm sitting on the computer, but there is a great big world out there to explore.

+ Good health, great memories, and lots of love! So for the most part, +++++++++++

:-)

Canvas

I've needed a change. Sure, changing the look of my blog is a small step, but a step nonetheless, right? Ah. I love blues and whites right now. Refreshing. The black was starting to look like the core of my lackluster wardrobe. However, that is an entirely different blog for another day!

I've had a lot to think about as of recent. Making plans, and decisions. Dreaming about future days. I'm a planner by nature. I feel like I can go with the flow when needed, but to be truly comfortable, I need some sort of plan. Even if the plan is to be lazy, or sometimes to not have a plan, at least that is the plan, ya know? Ok, maybe you don't. It's just who I am. Of course I feel like my control-freakishness need to plan is an area of my life that God has found it necessary to challenge. I'm well aware of this fact. I'm reminded every day that my life, and my plans are not my own. And every single day I fight it. It's no secret that my life is sometimes a real challenge. I'm learning that I can't change that. Not that there aren't areas I can change, but for the most part, this is the canvas I've been given for my life. All I can do is paint the picture of my life to the best of my ability on that canvas. Even if I mourn not having the canvas I want, or sometimes am insanely jealous of the canvas other people have. Deny it or embrace it, well, that is my choice.

I'm making some changes. Good changes. Healthy changes. Needed changes. It's been a slow start, but I believe in my heart that I can, and will do it. I will get to a place where I can accept and move on. I may not be able to change the way things are, but I know I can change how I deal with it. Every day is a new day-- a chance to start fresh--the chance to be different. I don't know why things are the way they are. I just hope my life starts to better reflect the hope I've been given.

With my life you have been so kind...

It happened. Not only did it happen, but it made me sort of laugh. I heard my first "Sarah walked away from God" rumor. Huh. Of course, it was from someone that doesn't even really know me-- which is to be expected. It's been almost 5 months since I've been to church-- not counting Easter with my sis-in-law. It's been a tough road, but I don't think I would trade it for anything. While I have questioned God very very much in those months, I haven't done it out of anger towards God ( though I'd be lying if I said bitterness was never part of our conversation) but of wanting to know why this had to happen, and what I need to be learning about God, church and myself. I feel like I've learned a lot. Funny how you can allow trials to seperate you from Him, or you can allow yourself to depend on Him to get through. I'm learning that when I "lean on my own understanding" I make stupid choices. I need help. I need wisdom.

I am thirsty. Probably more thirsty then I've ever been. But goodness, I have learned that I depended on going to church to satisfy that. I checked God off my list of things to do for the week, and went on with my merry, happy Christian life. I have a new found love and respect for Jesus. I'm in control of my relationship with Him-- if I don't make time to spend learning, praying, and sometimes just being quiet, I no
longer get false satisfaction of having gone to Church and paid my dues. It's on me. If my relationship with God is bad, it's completely my issue. Not that it ever wasn't my issue!

Now, I'm not bashing going to Church. In fact, I'm one part hesitent to fine a new church, and ten parts excited. But I really believe that I needed this. I needed to be on the outside looking in. I needed to be on my own a bit. Half to get over what I've been through (even though I'm still fighting through bitterness) and half to reaffirm my faith. In fact, even this misplaced comment has served me in a good way. I'm not trying to bash my accuser, but how narrow-minded to assume that someone has "fallen from grace" because they aren't going to church. I know I've been on the flip-side of that coin and judged others for leaving. How narrow-minded of ME. The reason it made me laugh is because I know all to well how it can be on the inside. Being on the outside is tough. Even though it's only the outside with Church. I will never look at "outsiders" the same way again.

He has been so kind to me. In my bitterness, my discontentment, my sometimes intense frustration over the whole thing. I don't deserve so much grace. But in the words of my good friends Relient K "I'm never falling out of favor with Him". And in the words of matts moms friend-- Kathy Hubbard "girl, you better own that!" I do! I own that! :-) not to mention the immense support he's provided me with. I'm so so so so
blessed!

P.S-- I wrote this entire post laying in bed on my iPhone! So forgive me if there are some crazy typos! Auto-correct can be a tricky thing! ;-)

More then life?

Easter was different this year. Matt had to work, so I hung out with his family, and spent most of my day in tears. I just don't fit in with them. I was fortunate enough to have a lovely extended family that just said no to drama-- especially during the holidays. My mom, dad, and sister didn't follow the "no drama" policy, but I spent each and every holiday with extended family. Thankfully. Because of that, I guess maybe my expectations are too high. I know the problem is me. Most holidays with Matt's family I throw myself into the "work" part. Cooking, cleaning, setting everything up. It's easier for me that way. But then I got accused of being competitive, or attention seeking, so I just don't do it anymore. It was just the only way to stay out of any drama, battles of wit, unfriendly debating, or whatever craziness is going on. I tried for a long time to fit in, but the only person I fit in with is Matt. This is his family dynamic. I have to keep reminding myself that this is how they work- except for Matt- which is why I was completely alone in a house full of people. I just need to remember this for next time. I have to make other plans.

Later in the day yesterday, Matt came over on his lunch break. I was relieved to see him, but I knew it would be short lived. I had a little emotional breakdown, and in response he told me to go hang out with his sister- who was also husbandless for Easter. I ended up going to an evening church service with her. At the beginning, I was just asking God to show me what I needed to know. To give me wisdom. As the Pastor prayed, he said "Jesus, we love you more then we love our very lives." That hit me like a ton of bricks. Not because I never heard that before, but I know it's what I was suppose to hear.

I don't love God more then I love my life. I wish I could say I did. I hold on to this life like it's all there is. And to be honest, my life isn't very pretty- at least not right now, and not even for the last few years. Matt and I are surrounded by drama, and insanity. We both have years of craziness that we're trying to heal from. Some personal stuff we're trying to figure out. And while in the mist of that we both feel tremendously blessed by the way God has protected us from a lot, and has given us both the desire to not repeat what we've been through, I know in my heart that complete healing won't come this side of heaven. I just don't know why I hold onto all of this so tightly. Why I fear death so much. Why I'm so afraid to hand my life over and tell God he's in control of it all. He is even if I don't like it. Maybe once I finally relinquish control is when things will really start to change. I'm starting to think that the only thing that holding on is doing, is keeping me from experiencing the life I could have, that life HE wants me to have.

The art of privacy...

There's not a whole lot of privacy when it comes to Blogging. Or Facebook, or pretty much any other social networking hoopla. They are all geared to get people to "share". I'm all for sharing. In fact, I think if more of us would share, less of us would be afraid to be honest. With that being said, there are things I don't share. Things that I have no problem keeping to myself. They aren't things I really want to talk to people about. I mean, I don't really have any deep dark secrets. There are things that I guess I just keep to myself. Mostly because of my own feelings of inadequacy, or brokenness, or not wanting advice, or to be the subject of speculation. Sometimes because I am just a private person, as much as I might seem outgoing, and talkative, I like my privacy... a lot. Sometimes I don't talk to people about things because I don't want to be asked about it later, and I don't want people to feel pity towards me, or think about what I told them later. I don't know. Some things seem better left unsaid-- I think.

Part of it is that I just don't want constant reminders of the things I lack, and I've been reminded over and over and over the last few weeks. Maybe it's selfish of me to not share over that. It's funny that things you want can be so close for everyone (or seemingly close) but so out of reach for you. Sometimes that just feels like the story of my life, Like things are just out of reach. It can be painful, but I try to see that God has a plan for everything-- every single thing. I'm not one to really question God, or his plan in my life, but sometimes I just don't see what I think I'm suppose to see to "get it". So I guess for now the things I am not understanding, and not feeling comfortable enough to share, are going to remain between Jesus and I, oh, and Matt too-- I tell him everything. It's a good thing! :-)

Valentines, Rob Bell, and MRSA infections...

A beautiful Golden Gate Sunset!

Whew, I really did mean to blog this two weeks ago, but life sort of got in the way. Matt and I spent Valentines Day in San Francisco. We had tickets to see Rob Bell on the 15th, so decided we'd just stay the night in the City and make a little overnight trip of it. I booked a hotel in the Fisherman's Wharf area, so we mostly hung around within walking distance of Pier 39. We walked from the Embarcadero BART station, and strolled down the piers. I love that walk so much! We arrived at Pier 39, and decided to have lunch at Hard Rock. They were giving out these cute little guitar candy shakers. Of course, it was empty by night's end-- Matt actually shared a little though! :-)

We decided that it would be fun to go to The Aquarium of the Bay, and then maybe take a bay cruise. So we each bought a Citypass. The Aquarium was packed, so that put a slight damper on the idea, but we had a good time none the less.

So creepy, yet super cool!

We sat and watched the Sea Lions while we waited to board our Bay Cruise. I should say we watched what was left of the Sea Lions, considering the vast majority have left the pier. It was sad without them!

So we heard that the Blue and Gold Fleet was doing a Sunset Valentines Bay Cruise, and they allowed us to get tickets with our Citypass. It was beautiful. They gave everyone a pretty flower, and a glass of champagne, which was a nice touch. We had been another time, and that time there were big swells in the Bay, and it was slightly scary sitting on the top deck. This time they didn't expect any swells, so we figured we were good... Not so much. After going under the Golden Gate, we went out into the bay a bit, and then captain quickly warned us to hold on for... giant swells. It was quite a ride, and pretty scary for a few seconds... but so pretty!

Afterwards we headed to our hotel, and took a nap. Then ventured out to have dinner. We ended up going to In-n-Out (ha ha) and brought it back to our room. We then proceeded to watch hours of Olympic coverage-- we're the biggest nerds ever! It was there that Matt noticed something that kind of looked like a bug bite on his leg. If only we knew then that it wasn't just a bug bite... I didn't leave the hotel without leaving it a little love-

Hello Anchorman..

The next morning we met our friends Sarah and Aaron, and hung out in the City. It was nice to visit with them before heading out to see Rob Bell. Lucky for us Sarah Y. had a Line connection, and we were able to get great seats. It was fantastic, as is Rob Bell's style. We headed home after, and crashed.

The next morning, Matt noticed this "bug bite" was looking a lot worse. So off to the Dr. we went. This is what it looked like-

So the Dr said it was a staph infection. So a round of antibiotics and daily hot compresses were thought to fix it. That's not exactly what happened. a few days later , Matt's leg swelled up, and the redness spread down his leg. We ended up spending the night in the ER, and Matt was diagnosed with a community strain of MRSA. Then he started having allergic reactions to his antibiotics.

Yucky hives, and more swelling!

He is finally on the mend, and back to work, Thankfully! It was a little scary though! Just glad it's over, and he's all better!

Birthday, Baby, Rob Bell and Feeling Famished.

(Matt makes funny faces in 90% of pictures I take)

Before getting sick, we celebrated Matt's 28th birthday. It was low-key, but we did our normal "Birthday Donut" tradition. Birthday donut started when I was working in radio through the end of college. I was out in random clubs until all hours doing remotes, and would come home exhausted. I was on my way home from Merced at 2am the early morning of Matt's b-day, and I stopped at a gas station for a snack and a red bull to keep me up for the drive home. I decided I'd grab Matt a donut and surprise him calling it "Birthday Donut". We do it every birthday now after midnight, It's fun! Although I wish it was "Birthday Danish" I'm not a big donut fan...

(Micah riding on the vacuum)

Tuesday, my good friend Sarah Yanagi went on a (much needed) trip to the beach leaving her adorable offspring, Micah, with Matt and I overnight. Micah is a very sweet, very busy little boy! I should mention that Micah loves Matt! In fact, the biggest "meltdowns" happened when Matt would walk out of the room, or leave for work. We played lots of hide-n-seek, "Chase Scout" which Scout actually loved until Micah started hitting him in the face with a book... :-) and watched 'Blues Clues" which just happens to be my favorite cartoon for little ones. Yesterday afternoon we went to a Gymboree class, and we both had fun! I will say that as soon as Sarah picked Micah up, I was ready for bed! Chasing a 1 year old is hard work! :-)

Matt and I are getting ready for a little Valentines trip to SF Sunday night. Not only are we spending time in one of our favorite places, but Monday night we're going to see Rob Bell's "Drops like stars" tour with Sarah and Aaron in SF. Excited! I'm glad because I'm feeling spiritually famished right now. We *really* need to find a new church, or at least a place to go until we find a "home". With Matt working every Sunday, that is going to make it harder, but we need to make it work!! For now, I'm reading "UnChristian" which is amazing, and I'm re-reading "Velvet Elvis". I have a stack of books waiting for me, but I keep going back to Velvet Elvis....

Anyway, now I'm feeling physically famished... Time for breakfast!

A little scary!

Holy cow have I been getting sick! Usually I wake up with a terrible sore throat, and then am sick for a week. this has happened about 5-6 times over the last few months. I had been mildly concerned, but figured I was just getting the normal seasonal illnesses that have been going around.

Last week my string of illnesses became slightly scary. I hung out with a friend, and by the time I got home I was feeling a little bit off. Nothing major, but enough to just want to go to bed. Matt had just returned home from school, and decided he would join me. after getting into bed I started to shake. It was like the worst episode of chills I had ever experienced. I had huge goose bumps, and they were painful-- like a million needles stabbing my skin. I tend to run high fevers when I'm sick, so we reached for the thermometer. I have to keep track of my temperature because I had a seizure when I was little from a high fever, which makes me a little more susceptible to them. To my surprise, my temperature was normal.



That night, I was feeling worse and worse, to the point where I was sobbing because I was in so much pain. Matt insisted on taking me to the hospital, but our insurance just changed to Kaiser, and I would have to go to Dameron, and I hate that hospital, so I resisted... but I probably should have gone. I eventually fell asleep, but work up at 3am so sick to my stomach, and throwing up. Not my usual respiratory issue. Back to bed again, and then up with a sore throat, and stuffy nose. Then a bloody nose. Then a stabbing headache and another week of being sick. Basically the doctor thinks I need a CT scan to check out my sinuses, to see if I have some sort of blockage. Sigh... never ending!! I'm just hoping it's nothing. I hate all things medical. Rather I am scared to death of all things medical (doctors, hospitals, blood draws, check-ups, sharp looking tools, surgery, being put under... everything!) so I'm not happy, but hoping we'll get some answers. At this point, I just want to know what in the world all of this is. I'm just ready to not be sick anymore!

Matty B.

It's no secret. My husband is simply amazing! Because of this said amazingness, and his 28th birthday (tomorrow), it's only appropriate that I dedicate today's blog, my 200th, to him.

My heart is filled with so much love for my husband. A love that grows daily. He's not just my husband. He was never just my boyfriend. He is my very best friend. I know very well how wonderfully blessed I am to have married such a great guy. Matt is so caring, and loving, and loyal. He has a deep desire to do the right thing by everyone, and follows through with it. He loves his family, and is always there whenever they need him. He has a sensitive spirit, and cares deeply about people. Those things are so attractive to me. He's not afraid to be honest, and even though that doesn't always make him popular, it goes hand in hand with doing the right thing by people. Not in flattery, but with his exceedingly genuine spirit. He lives out his faith, and is not a "I can quote Scripture/C.S. Lewis so that makes me a good Christian" Christian. He is an "I live out my faith, but am honest about my failures" Christian. I can't tell you how much I respect that!

A few months ago, Matt and I were out with my Pastor, Glen and his wife, Jani, for my birthday. Glen said something I won't forget. He said "I love how you guys just love to be together." that sums it up pretty nicely. We do just love to be together. We still dream of running away, and never looking back. We love to have fun! Matt is so fun-loving, that no day is the same as the day before. He loves me out loud. Not passively, but in an actively passionate way. He serves me in ways I didn't know I needed, and usually figures out what I need before I say a word. He is my "Good and perfect gift". A lover, a gentle leader, a rock, and my very best friend. I couldn't ask for more.

The last few years have been trying. We've both faced obstacles, and hurt, and frustration, and have struggled. I would be lying if I said our first years of marriage were easy. Our lives can be pretty complicated. Matt has been there 110% for me throughout all of it, and all I can hope is that I have been to him what he has consistently been to me.

So to my husband-- happy birthday! I love you, and want nothing more then to spend every single birthday you have with you until you're 150! :-)

I'm no Superman.

Matt and I caught a new episode of Scrubs, and I'm sad to say, it's a dud! Take away Zach Braff, and most of the original cast, add a bunch of new people, and change the theme song, and you have an entirely different show. We were not impressed! In other TV news, we're also mourning the loss of Conan O'Brien! We like Jay Leno, but MOVE ON! Now what Late night show are we going to watch?? What a dilemma! Ha ha!

Glad our biggest worries are about TV shows. We know that so many people are suffering in Haiti right now. Our friends Mikey and Christa Hahn are on their way to Haiti to help with relief efforts. They have worked with Children from Haiti, and spent a month there last year working with kids. Please, please keep them, and the entire nation of Haiti in your prayers! Also, if you'd like to visit Mikey and Christa's website, it's www.hislittlefeet.org

Hunting.

I've been so hesitant to do this. We have to find a new Church. It's been a rough few years church-wise, and we've been avoiding what we've needed to do for those few years. After being hurt the way Matt and I were hurt, many people have asked why we would continue to go somewhere where that happened. I became a Christian there. I grew in my walk with God, was mentored, served with all my heart there. I fell in love with Jesus there. I thought taking a break would heal things, but it didn't. I don't have any regrets. I stood up for the right thing, and was pummeled in the process. As hard as it is to say, if I were faced with the same situation again, I wouldn't have handled it any differently. It was when people that I really cared about didn't give me the benefit of the doubt that I cracked. I haven't gotten over that.

So, in thinking and praying about it, I realized that my relationship with my Church is no longer healthy. Not because it's an unhealthy Church--It has it's issues like any other place. But because it has only served recently to make me feel bad, to make me feel resentful towards the people involved in the whole mess. I feel rejected, and hurt, and I can't get over it. The last time I went was in December, and I left mid-service a hysterical mess. Not good! I need to go somewhere I can serve wholeheartedly. You would think with all of the Christians I know, all of the Pastors, and leaders, that it would be easy to find someplace new. Sadly, it's not at all the case.

This is something we need to do. To find a "home". A home that is healthy for us. It's going to be rough, but I'm excited at the prospect of going to Church again. I miss it.

Throwbacks.

Yesterday, Matt got an email on Facebook. We happened to be chatting while he logged on, and noticed he had a new message. His reaction was pretty priceless. This e-mail was from a girl in Matt's past. She wasn't a girlfriend, but wanted to be. She was actually quite awful to him, using Christian manipulation to try to get him to date her. Right before Matt and I got married, this girl, who had been very much out of the picture, suddenly reappeared in a series of phone calls, and an unannounced visit. Needless to say, it made things a little bit stressful. Matt was *VERY* clear with this girl that he had no interest in any sort of relationship, or friendship with her. She didn't go down without a fight, but eventually it was over. We really thought that was the last we would hear from her.

It's in these times that I'm reminded of the fact that spiritual warfare does exist. I have resolved that I don't want any crazy drama in 2010, which has meant getting rid of the unhealthy relationships in my life, and trading them for relationships with life. I like to call it "cleaning the house". It's only been 18 days, and it already feels so good. The first part of this has been the "cleaning" part. You wouldn't want to invite your "clean" friends to a "dirty" house, right? lol! So even though I've been laying low friendship wise, it's just because this whole thing is such a process for me. It just figures that just as I'm getting good at slowly "deleting" the dramatic from my life, that Matt would get this email. I may or may not have looked at the sky and said "Really?". Oh, and in case you're wondering, Matt has zero intention of writing this girl back. Why open THAT door, right?

On a positive note, at least that is out of the way. If it had to happen, I'm glad it happened now. Hopefully no more "surprises" for awhile!

Chaotic scribbles of a whiteout sniffing dreamer.

When I have nothing else, I have hope. Hope for a life less ordinary. Sometimes for a life more ordinary. Hope for more order, and less chaos. Hope for happiness and joy, and that one day I'll have more faith, and less anxiety Hope that the simplistic way of life will always be the most attractive to me. I sometimes lack in the hope department. Not because I don't want to be hopeful, but because I hate disappointment. I used to be a hoper, and a dreamer. I lost it somewhere along the way, and now my biggest hope is for more hope.

Lately, I've been feeling that excitement that you only get from waiting in expectation. I want God to do great things in my life. Maybe the purging of unhealthiness has been a step in the right direction. The idea that if someone isn't healthy, they can't be a part of my life. It makes me feel like I'm worth being treated with respect, and not with insane judgement. It makes me hope for healthy relationships, and friendships. It makes me not at all miss the relationships that have been plagued with craziness, and false expectations. Last week, I had butterflies. Not for any real reason but the hope that things are finally getting better. You know what, it had nothing to do with the people around me changing, and everything to do with a change in my heart. Unhealthy relationships take me away from God. They cause me to be bitter, and angry. My own unhealthy thoughts and actions do the same. My "theme" for 2010 is officially "my year of restored hope". Anything and anyone that threatens that hope can't be a part of my life. Good things only.

I have hope for 2010. Good things are going to happen. I can't wait!

Party time, excellent!

It has been party crazy the last couple of days! I spent Friday night hanging out with six 11 year old girls at Rachel Thompson's birthday slumber party. While I played the role of co-chaperone, I still managed to have fun. The highlight of the night being when Rachel's mom, Laura, and neighbor, Debbie, arranged for Debbie's son to come and scare the girls. Imagine the horrific screams of pre-teen girls as they see a wolf costume-clad person standing outside of the sliding glass door. It was pretty awesome! Oh the things we forget to record for Youtube... ;-) Sleep was scarce that night, and I woke up feeling quite exhausted!

After I returned home for Rachel's party, I realized I needed to recover from my almost sleepless night in time for Jenny's surprise birthday party. You may remember my "Hardy Party" blog about Jenny's party a couple of weeks ago. Well, Jenny had wanted a surprise party, but didn't think she was getting one, so she ended up planning her own. Everyone had to go along with it so she wouldn't realize that a party had already been planned. She had shared with me that she was sad about throwing herself a party, and I was DYING inside trying not to "make her feel better" by spilling the beans. So her birthday (and party) came and went and she had no idea what was coming! Fast forward to last night-- boy was she shocked! I missed the big moment because I *had* to take a nap before I could make the drive to Rancho Cordovia, so Matt and I came after the surprise moment. The story goes that she just stood there with her mouth wide open, totally shocked! Success! She deserved it! Her sister, Teresa, and friend, Lisa, did a great job! DJ Rcio of Jace Brannon Entertainment did a fantastic job with the music and Rico's wife, Acxa, and friend and co-worker of Jenny was a great dance coach! :-) We partied Hardy style until the wee hours of the morning, then drove home through thick valley fog. Needless to say, good sleep was had by all!

So I think I'm party-pooped!!

Germs.

Germs are everywhere. Not like I didn't know this, but in the last 6 months I have been sick with flus, colds, sinus infections, stomach bugs, tonsil infections and ear infections. It's been a never-ending battle to stay healthy. I find this not only kind of disturbing, but surprising as well. I'm slightly germ-a-phobic. I know that being too germ-a-phobic can be bad for your immune system, and I thought I was keeping it in check. However, now I can't help but wonder if I'm taking it too far. However, we are living with my in-laws, who have nicknamed their house "Grand Central Station". People are always in and out. You can find me disinfecting the house almost daily.

When I was in early college, I started getting freaked out about germs. It was after working in a school, and I ended up getting really sick with pneumonia. It took me months to feel okay again. So I started using antibacterial had gel like crazy, buying travel sized Lysol, and washing my hands a lot. My doctor actually told me to stop because I took it a little too far. So I did. I didn't get sick often after that. Now it's hard not to do too much because of how awful I have felt.

So maybe all of my disinfecting isn't so great after all. It doesn't make me feel any better about the disgustingness that is the germs of others. But oh well. All I care about now is not feeling like crap. And not having to stay away from my asthma-inflicted husband that gets sicknesses a million times worse then I do. I guess it could be worse, but I'd be lying if I said this isn't sucky!