T-Day Aftermath

I absolutely LOVE the holiday season! I don't get stressed about gift-buying, shopping, decorating, baking or cooking. I really just enjoy the season. I love the spirit in the air. It makes me happy.

Yesterday, we did the traditional family Thanksgiving. The last few years Matt and I have opted out of family holidays in an attempt to experience non-stressful drama-free days, but this year we joined Matt's family. It was okay, or maybe normal. I don't really know what a "normal" family looks like, but I only wanted to sit in the corner and drink a few times, and I didn't cry, so that's a pretty okay day. I'll take what I can get!

Unfortunately, I have spent my entire week sick with this bad upper respiratory sinus thing. Today, my goal was to drown those pesky sick germs in leftover dressing, sleep and hot tea. I'm feeling better. so I'm hoping it worked!

Now onto to Christmas! Truly my favorite time of year!

These Lines On The Road

 The last few weeks I've been having lots of conversations with people. I'm starting to feel human more like myself, and I'm glad. I'm a conversationalist by nature, but tend to be more reclusive and quiet when I'm feeling anxious. It's felt nice to have real connection with people again. I was starting to miss that.

 One of my favorite things about trials is their ability to weed-out bad relationships. I feel like I always have all of these people that are my "best friend" when I'm needed. Of course, part of being friends is leaning on one another, and I'm more than okay with that. It's the lack of reciprocity that I've always been frustrated with. It makes me incredibly thankful for the people in my life that pray for me, encourage me, extend to me an extra measure of grace, and make me laugh. It's a huge blessing!

I've always been so worried about what people think about me. I have people in my life that silently judge me, and question my intentions. People that don't make effort to really know me because they think they already know me. It used to bother me. I used to try to bend over backwards trying to prove myself. Going through this made me feel like I'm growing out of that. Frankly, I don't feel the need to justify myself. Especially to people that I don't have a real relationship with. It's so liberating! I can invest in the relationships that are truly important in my life, and let the others be what they are.

The thing I'm most thankful for this year is ebb and flow. For the times that bring great delight, and the trials that bring reflection and growth. While my last few months have been the later, I'm truly thankful that I'm even here to experience it. Blessings in disguise are sometimes the best blessing of them all.


Whatever may come, and whatever may go, that river's flowing, that river's flowing.

Humility Makes Us Real.

Things have been a bit better. I'm not having panic attacks nearly as often, which is a giant blessing! Still a few here and there that are mostly health related (gotta send my thank you note to google for making me think every symptom of anxiety is cancer, a heart attack or a brain aneurysm... super fun...) which make me feel every symptom of what I'm fearing. It's the strangest thing.

I've come up with an action plan when I start to feel the anxiety coming on. I made a playlist on my iphone called "Peace Like A River" and that has really helped me. Only light, positive music allowed. Going into a quiet room and hitting shuffle is often all it takes to calm me down. I also do some deep breathing, drink cold water, and pray. And while sometimes it sneaks up on me, and I have one, I'm learning to just pray through it, and recite verses to myself


Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.

Or sometimes song lyrics

Empty my hands
 Fill up my heart
 Capture my mind with you

Why should I be troubled
When His tender word I hear
Know I rest on His goodness
In my doubt and in my fear

I have struggled with anxiety since early childhood. I cried every morning I was dropped off at school from Kindergarten until 3rd grade because I was afraid something would happen to my parents while I was away. I've always had a tremendous fear of death, dying, and even the rapture. The only reason I can come up with is the vast amount of death I witnessed in my childhood. I'm the youngest child in my family born to older parents what were born to older parents. All of my older relatives were much older then most kids had at my age. I grew up with people I was close to dying all the time. Some strokes, heart problems, cancer, accidents, drug overdose, a drowning. 13 people before I was 18, and my dad and last grandparent in my early 20's. My parents didn't protect me from any details (and would often take me to the funeral home to "visit" when I was far to young to understand.) Which reminds me of this part of the movie Home Alone

 "Have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home?"
"No, no. but I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. yeah, it was terrible too. we were all distraught and me and the wife left the little tike there in the funeral parlor all day, you know, all day. when we went back, when we came to our senses and there he was. apparently he was there all day alone with the corpse. he was okay, you know, after like six, seven weeks. came around, started talking again. but he’s okay, you know, they get over it. kids are resilient."

Bahahahaha!! But seriously, it screwed me up. Add the people my age that have had cancer, accidents, and the like. It's made me seriously fearful.

I was doing some running for a concert in Sacramento last night, and I'm standing in the middle of Chik-Fil-A picking up food when I get a phone call from a friend telling me she just found out she has brain cancer. It took everything in me to not have a full blown attack right there. I can't process that. I can't understand how. It's beyond my understanding, and strength. She has 3 kids. Those are the times my questions become dangerous. Why would God allow that, and selfishly, if he allowed her to have it, why would he protect me from it?

That is where anxiety and sin meet. It's a constant self-focus. It's telling God that I don't need him, that I can deal with these things myself. I can't. As desperately as I want to be in control, I'm not. That is a hard pill for me to swallow. I'm learning that the key to peace is humility. To submit to his will--whatever that may be and trust that he will make all things right. This my friends, is a struggle.