Wearing tears like jewelry...

I've been alone a lot in the last 5 days. I actually enjoy it. Though I would love to have Matt home much more often, I've found a hint of beauty in loneliness. I enjoy silence. I like to be alone with my thoughts and feelings sometimes. I know, that is a bit sappy, I can't help it though.

My whole life I've been told how overly sensitive I am. Since my early teen years, I've been trying to "man up" so to speak. I've tried closing off the flow of water that tends to run so closely to the surface of my eyes. I just can't. 5 years ago, if you asked me what I wanted to change about me, my answer would be my sensitivity. The fact that for years I've been labeled as a "crier" which means everything I say is dismissed as an "exaggeration" or that I'm "just being emotional". I would love to be taken seriously. Just once when I'm hurt, I want my side to be taken as accurate, not as a situation distorted by my over-sensitivity. If you asked me today, it's the last thing I would change. my heart is the bleeding type. While there are down-sides to being sensitive, there are great things about it as well. This is who I am.

Yesterday, I found myself in church. Alone. That was the first time I've gone alone in months maybe even a year. I almost chickened out and went with my pastor's wife, but I decided I needed to do it for me. One of the first announcements had the tears flowing. It wasn't an especially moving announcement. It was for me though. It was like getting a bad burn and then sticking it under hot water. Painful. I'm learning that getting burned is never fun. And depending on the degree of the burn, it can take a long time to heal. I'm wondering if I can heal standing next to the fire that burned me to begin with. It was a fire that kept me warm for years. That's why I'm so confused. I guess I'm not allowed to feed the fire, so maybe I should find a new one? Maybe it's my fault for getting to close to begin with?


Main Entry: 1sen·si·tive
Pronunciation: \ˈsen(t)-sə-tiv, ˈsen(t)s-təv\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Medieval Latin sensitivus, probably alteration of sensativus, from sensatus sensate
Date: 15th century
1: sensory 2
2 a: receptive to sense impressions b: capable of being stimulated or excited by external agents (as light, gravity, or contact)
3: highly responsive or susceptible: as a (1): easily hurt or damaged; especially : easily hurt emotionally (2): delicately aware of the attitudes and feelings of others b: excessively or abnormally susceptible : hypersensitive c: readily fluctuating in price or demand d: capable of indicating minute differences : delicate e: readily affected or changed by various agents (as light or mechanical shock) f: highly radiosensitive
4 a: concerned with highly classified government information or involving discretionary authority over important policy matters b: calling for tact, care, or caution in treatment : touchy
5: having or showing concern for a specified matter

Better then I expected...

Last Tuesday was my first day of doing ministry in a long while. It feels good to be back, better then expected even. While I tend to be hesitant to move forward, I feel the holy spirit telling me that it's going to be ok.

Speaking of my good friend, the Holy Spirit. I never fully understood what people meant when they said how the spirit led them here or to do this or that. Because I tend toward the sensitive side, I've always been aware that I can't always rely on how I feel. I wonder how many times I actually dismissed the prompting of the Holy Spirit in an effort to suppress my own seemingly "over-emotional" feelings? Honestly, I don't even know if it works that way. When it comes to the "Spirit" I'm pretty clueless. That just proves how ungodly I really am.

Lately I've been praying that the Holy Spirit would reveal my sin to me. One reason is to recognize hidden sin so I can change it. Another reason is so I can be more amazed that I don't have to pay the penalty for my sin. How good is God that he saved us!? I, as a Christian become desensitized to the greatness of God. I constantly have to remind myself that what he did was an amazing gift! Not because I don't know, but because I want to feel the same way now as I did when it was all brand new. I crave those "first love" feelings that I felt towards God. Though with any "love" type relationship, I appreciate the deeper understanding that only comes with time. I've experienced that type of love only twice. My first with Jesus, and now my marriage to Matt. When the butterflies fly away and things are hard, the deep love remains. It's simply amazing.