I received some good news today. Sometimes you get news that makes your heart jump a bit out of your chest, followed by an almost nauseating excitement. That was me today. My heart is happy, and I've accomplished something I set out to do. It's a good feeling!
Am I the only one that self-sabotages my success? I consider myself to be a play-it-safe kind of person. It's only in the last few years that I've taken more risks. I'm more honest with people-- even if it means being unpopular. I'm more honest with myself, even when I hate to admit the truth to myself, and I put myself out there more often, even if I may fail. It's not easy for me-- but like fine wine, I've improved with age. That being said, mere minutes after feeling happy and excited, I freaked out. What if I'm not good enough? What if I've done my very best only to be critiqued --critically so-- by those better than I am? Stupid brain!
Then the self-pity kicked in. "Matt will be the only one happy for me" I whined to myself. And you know what, maybe that's true. When you don't really have family, and you're so low maintenance that your friends often forget that you exist, you can feel lonely. I feel lonely like that a lot. Why can't my own excitement be the only excitement I need? Ugh.
Maybe success isn't as comfortable than I wanted or expected. But its success none the less. That being said-- I'm happy again. I'm thankful that God made me who I am-- and call it confidence, or pride, but I'm happy for me. I needed this!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
One of the Best...
My birthday week has come and gone. I was actually sad to see it go this year. I can't recall a better birthday-- really! Who knew being 31 could be so fun?
We left early Monday morning, and made it to Hollywood by 11am. Neither of us had ever really been (besides a trip to universal studios a very long time ago). It was so so crowded! What we didn't know is there was a free Paul McCartney concert going on that night, (and Justin Timberlake the next) so needless to say we didn't do the sightseeing we expected. Not to mention, Hollywood isn't that exciting for people that don't get Starstruck. I, sadly, don't get very excited about celebrities. The industry is fascinating though!
We escaped the crazy Hollywood traffic, and headed to downtown Disney for lunch. Because of some tweeks to my work schedule, I had to be home earlier than I planned, so we decided against visiting Disneyland. It was a bit sad, but I can't just go for one day! We opted to go to our hotel, which was a really nice suite. We took a nap, watched TV, went swimming, ate pizza, talked, and went to sleep. It was a perfectly simple night
My birthday morning, we woke up early, and met some friends at Storytellers cafe. We ate yummy food, and I got a cute little Mickey cupcake! Matt was able to get us guaranteed tickets for The Big Bang Theory filming for that night, so we headed to Burbank, and walked around for awhile. The Standby line for the show was HUGE! We love the show, probably for the same reason everyone else does. It's nerdy, funny but mostly, it's smart. While Im not a movie-watcher, I like TV shows. Low commitment, funny, and if you miss an episode you're usually okay! I've liked The Big Bang Theory since it started. My aunt and uncle introduced us to it, and we've been hooked since.
We were in line, and once they saw tickets, we were ushered to the front of the line, which I, of course, felt guilty about (because that's how I roll) but Matt reminded me that it was my birthday, and it's okay to be excited. I have to be reminded, and had to be reminded again after only 23 of the at least 200 people in the standby line were admitted I the show. Crazy!
While we were walking to the studio, Matt was stopped twice by Warner Brothers employees because they thought he was Sean Hayes (Will and Grace, Sean Saves the World). He really does look like him-- it's uncanny! Once we got in, we were pretty amazed by the sets! They were so small compared to what they look like on TV. Again, as much as I don't get starstruck, I was really giddy about being behind the scenes! It's so interesting!
We were seated right in front of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, where most of the scenes are filmed, which was nice! Before they started filming, they showed us the episode "The Scavenger Vortex" , which is on tonight! It hadn't been edited to fix sound, but it was really funny! Once it was over, they introduced the cast, then they started shooting.
The episode was called "The Workplace Proximity". Amy gets a job at Sheldon's university, and Sheldon decides he doesn't want her to work there. It's pretty funny! What was interesting is that they tweaked jokes around-- actually rewrote them right there if we, as the audience, weren't responding as well as they wanted. That was a cool process to watch! Especially because we don't know which jokes they kept or tossed, so watching the episode will be interesting! They shot each scene at least twice. Jim Parsons had a ton of lines, and fumbled far more than anyone else. However, he was really serious, and apologetic to his fellow cast mates. He had just won an Emmy-- maybe all that partying took its toll!
Mark Sweet (famous hypnotist, comedian) was our warm-up guy.. He was quite funny, but the audience participation was too much for me. It was loud, and my head was killing me because of it! I didn't need to be entertained, I was already being entertained! Everything they did in set was so precise. They make it seem perfectly unrehearsed, but it's truly a well-oiled machine.
Filming lasted a little over two hours, with a food break in between. They fed us pizza and water, which was good considering we hadn't eating in quite some time! We got out a little after 9, then drove the 5 hours home. We're so glad we or away-- even for a night! It was truly a great Birthday!
We left early Monday morning, and made it to Hollywood by 11am. Neither of us had ever really been (besides a trip to universal studios a very long time ago). It was so so crowded! What we didn't know is there was a free Paul McCartney concert going on that night, (and Justin Timberlake the next) so needless to say we didn't do the sightseeing we expected. Not to mention, Hollywood isn't that exciting for people that don't get Starstruck. I, sadly, don't get very excited about celebrities. The industry is fascinating though!
We escaped the crazy Hollywood traffic, and headed to downtown Disney for lunch. Because of some tweeks to my work schedule, I had to be home earlier than I planned, so we decided against visiting Disneyland. It was a bit sad, but I can't just go for one day! We opted to go to our hotel, which was a really nice suite. We took a nap, watched TV, went swimming, ate pizza, talked, and went to sleep. It was a perfectly simple night
My birthday morning, we woke up early, and met some friends at Storytellers cafe. We ate yummy food, and I got a cute little Mickey cupcake! Matt was able to get us guaranteed tickets for The Big Bang Theory filming for that night, so we headed to Burbank, and walked around for awhile. The Standby line for the show was HUGE! We love the show, probably for the same reason everyone else does. It's nerdy, funny but mostly, it's smart. While Im not a movie-watcher, I like TV shows. Low commitment, funny, and if you miss an episode you're usually okay! I've liked The Big Bang Theory since it started. My aunt and uncle introduced us to it, and we've been hooked since.
We were in line, and once they saw tickets, we were ushered to the front of the line, which I, of course, felt guilty about (because that's how I roll) but Matt reminded me that it was my birthday, and it's okay to be excited. I have to be reminded, and had to be reminded again after only 23 of the at least 200 people in the standby line were admitted I the show. Crazy!
While we were walking to the studio, Matt was stopped twice by Warner Brothers employees because they thought he was Sean Hayes (Will and Grace, Sean Saves the World). He really does look like him-- it's uncanny! Once we got in, we were pretty amazed by the sets! They were so small compared to what they look like on TV. Again, as much as I don't get starstruck, I was really giddy about being behind the scenes! It's so interesting!
We were seated right in front of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, where most of the scenes are filmed, which was nice! Before they started filming, they showed us the episode "The Scavenger Vortex" , which is on tonight! It hadn't been edited to fix sound, but it was really funny! Once it was over, they introduced the cast, then they started shooting.
The episode was called "The Workplace Proximity". Amy gets a job at Sheldon's university, and Sheldon decides he doesn't want her to work there. It's pretty funny! What was interesting is that they tweaked jokes around-- actually rewrote them right there if we, as the audience, weren't responding as well as they wanted. That was a cool process to watch! Especially because we don't know which jokes they kept or tossed, so watching the episode will be interesting! They shot each scene at least twice. Jim Parsons had a ton of lines, and fumbled far more than anyone else. However, he was really serious, and apologetic to his fellow cast mates. He had just won an Emmy-- maybe all that partying took its toll!
Mark Sweet (famous hypnotist, comedian) was our warm-up guy.. He was quite funny, but the audience participation was too much for me. It was loud, and my head was killing me because of it! I didn't need to be entertained, I was already being entertained! Everything they did in set was so precise. They make it seem perfectly unrehearsed, but it's truly a well-oiled machine.
Filming lasted a little over two hours, with a food break in between. They fed us pizza and water, which was good considering we hadn't eating in quite some time! We got out a little after 9, then drove the 5 hours home. We're so glad we or away-- even for a night! It was truly a great Birthday!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
A Big Bang of a Birthday!
31.
Wow!
I never thought I would have lived as many years as Baskin Robbins has flavors. Here I am on the cusp of my 31st year of life. I'm happy, I'm blessed, and no matter what craziness is around me, I feel truly thankful for everything I have. I've always talked about how much provision God has had over my life. It's true! I can look back and see sudden changes in the course of my life that shouldn't have happened. They can only be explained by God. That truly amazes me.
I can honestly say, I'm not where I thought I would be at 31. I thought I would be a stay-at-home mom with 2.5 kids and a mini van. When I was 25 I thought that would make me happy. That was my dream life. In 6 short years everything changed. My hopes and dreams changed, and while a family is still part of the plan, becoming a Veterinarian is also part of that plan. It's an exciting time in my life. I'm even working with two recent UC Davis DVM grads that have been giving me lots of pointers for when I start applying! I'm so so happy! I'm also happy to say that I've only had two (!) panic attacks in the last month! Whew! Seriously amazing!
So tomorrow morning Matt and I head to LA for a couple of days to celebrate. Matt amazingly scored us tickets to see a taping of The Big Bang Theory taping of my Birthday, and made brunch plans at Storyteller's Café with some friends that are already in Disneyland. Yay for 31st birthdays! Hoping for another 31+ years!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Friends Don't Let Friends Pet Unicorns...
I don't see myself as at all delusional. I think things through to a fault, and hammer out the smallest details of every single thing. I've always been this way. I have thoughts, dreams, timelines and plans. I have flow charts and yellow legal pads of pros and cons (a la Ted Mosbey) all in my head. I have to force my brain over to "sleep mode" at night, and if I wake up in the middle of the night, I have to start "shutdown" all over.
This being said, Im still a girl in every sense of the word. I have emotions, feelings and far too many heart strings to be pulled at. I struggle with confidence, and self worth. I second guess every single decision, and have to battle my way out of depression and anxiety more often than I care to admit. I wonder if my prayers are heard (they are), I wonder if my husband loves me (he does), and I am on a constant quest for peace and balance. This is why I blog. I need to get it all out. And while you wouldn't know it if you actually read this blog, I bottle things up. And when you have a brain that goes 1000mph that is a lot of bottling. This is my safe haven. I don't worry too much about what people read here. It's freeing to say how I really feel. When you are a people pleaser, you don't always feel like you can be honest. Here I am. Not that I'm always right, or I have all the answers, just how I honestly feel.
I have always had out hope that our situation would change. That our families would have a coming to Jesus moment, and realize that there is a better way to live. That you can have good, healthy relationships with your kids/siblings. You can be imperfect, but love. If I could grant myself one wish in life it would be for a healthy family life. I've prayed, cried, and questioned over our families. I've asked God to fix things. But it's just not going to happen. The idea that things will change is my unicorn. Sometimes it raises its sparkly head from the ground, and I hop on, stroking its head, and watching the glittered ground ahead. Then, as fast as it springs up, it bucks me off, the glitter fades away and I'm left with the aftermath of pain and unmet expectations.
Then I remember that I'm not wanted in glittery, unicorn land. I passively allow myself to be abused or accused until anger explodes. I can't let the unicorns get close because as soon as my guard is down, they impale me with their sparkly horns. Every effort misconstrued, every action, intention, word, or moment of silence is met with a preconceived dysfunctional opinion of why I did, said or thought it. Unicorn land is exhausting. One unicorn asks you to do something, the other unicorn is angry because you did what the first unicorn asked, and you leave every situation more and more frustrated. Then when you're frustrated, you're not being "nice" so you are pinned as the animal control officer of unicorn land.
The problem is unicorns aren't real, but these emotions are.
This being said, Im still a girl in every sense of the word. I have emotions, feelings and far too many heart strings to be pulled at. I struggle with confidence, and self worth. I second guess every single decision, and have to battle my way out of depression and anxiety more often than I care to admit. I wonder if my prayers are heard (they are), I wonder if my husband loves me (he does), and I am on a constant quest for peace and balance. This is why I blog. I need to get it all out. And while you wouldn't know it if you actually read this blog, I bottle things up. And when you have a brain that goes 1000mph that is a lot of bottling. This is my safe haven. I don't worry too much about what people read here. It's freeing to say how I really feel. When you are a people pleaser, you don't always feel like you can be honest. Here I am. Not that I'm always right, or I have all the answers, just how I honestly feel.
I have always had out hope that our situation would change. That our families would have a coming to Jesus moment, and realize that there is a better way to live. That you can have good, healthy relationships with your kids/siblings. You can be imperfect, but love. If I could grant myself one wish in life it would be for a healthy family life. I've prayed, cried, and questioned over our families. I've asked God to fix things. But it's just not going to happen. The idea that things will change is my unicorn. Sometimes it raises its sparkly head from the ground, and I hop on, stroking its head, and watching the glittered ground ahead. Then, as fast as it springs up, it bucks me off, the glitter fades away and I'm left with the aftermath of pain and unmet expectations.
Then I remember that I'm not wanted in glittery, unicorn land. I passively allow myself to be abused or accused until anger explodes. I can't let the unicorns get close because as soon as my guard is down, they impale me with their sparkly horns. Every effort misconstrued, every action, intention, word, or moment of silence is met with a preconceived dysfunctional opinion of why I did, said or thought it. Unicorn land is exhausting. One unicorn asks you to do something, the other unicorn is angry because you did what the first unicorn asked, and you leave every situation more and more frustrated. Then when you're frustrated, you're not being "nice" so you are pinned as the animal control officer of unicorn land.
The problem is unicorns aren't real, but these emotions are.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Fulfillment...
In life there are many things we have to do. Many rules we have to adhere to, many expectations to live up to. For a lot of years I lived life for other people. I strived to please everyone and would bend over backwards to make people feel happy. I got satisfaction from feeling like I was providing for a need, or just making someones day a bit brighter.
Over the years, that enthusiasm has faded. Not for the people I'm close to, but for people that liked me only because of the things I did, and not because of who I am. I'll be the first to admit-- I'm on the quirky side. My humor is weird, dry and feeble, I've had a lot of crazy stuff happen in my life, and sometimes that makes me unrelateable, I'm both outgoing and painfully shy depending on the situation. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be everyone's cup of tea.
When you've valued yourself based on your value to others for years, it can cause you to feel unfulfilled. Any feeling based on the feeling of another is bound to waver on occasion. For me, this is where I felt God stepped in. There was a few years ago that a lot of my "friendships" seemed to crumble. Of course, I was the common denominator, and my self worth plummeted. I really started to examine why this was happening. It took me a while, but I realized why these relationships were failing. It was because I was no longer making as much effort. I didn't actually realize it, but I was just distracted with being a wife, a good friend to my closest friends, and working. I was taking care of me for one of the first times in my life.
While those days were filled with hurt (who wants to feel like people hate them?) I'm in a way better place. I feel like I've found my voice. I stand up for myself, and if something is bothering me, I speak up. It's not popular, but no longer allowing people to say whatever they want, or have giant expectations is worth every second. Thank the good lord for boundaries!
Over the years, that enthusiasm has faded. Not for the people I'm close to, but for people that liked me only because of the things I did, and not because of who I am. I'll be the first to admit-- I'm on the quirky side. My humor is weird, dry and feeble, I've had a lot of crazy stuff happen in my life, and sometimes that makes me unrelateable, I'm both outgoing and painfully shy depending on the situation. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be everyone's cup of tea.
When you've valued yourself based on your value to others for years, it can cause you to feel unfulfilled. Any feeling based on the feeling of another is bound to waver on occasion. For me, this is where I felt God stepped in. There was a few years ago that a lot of my "friendships" seemed to crumble. Of course, I was the common denominator, and my self worth plummeted. I really started to examine why this was happening. It took me a while, but I realized why these relationships were failing. It was because I was no longer making as much effort. I didn't actually realize it, but I was just distracted with being a wife, a good friend to my closest friends, and working. I was taking care of me for one of the first times in my life.
While those days were filled with hurt (who wants to feel like people hate them?) I'm in a way better place. I feel like I've found my voice. I stand up for myself, and if something is bothering me, I speak up. It's not popular, but no longer allowing people to say whatever they want, or have giant expectations is worth every second. Thank the good lord for boundaries!
Friday, August 16, 2013
Love.
Love has always been a hard concept for me to understand. I'm not sure how "normal" that is since nothing in my life has ever been normal. I think about the different kinds of love fairly often. I also think about how to practice love as well. I feel like maybe it shouldn't be as difficult as I make it.
I grew up in a house where love was not present. Not between my parents, not between my sister and I, and not between my sister and I and my parents. "I love you" was not a phrase spoken in our house. I grew up not thinking, but knowing that I was considered an unwanted burden. I was told that I was a "mistake" all the time. My mother blamed me because she married my dad when she found out she was pregnant with me.
How that crap tends to stick with you!
My first experience with love came from going to church when I was 11. I was told about a God that "loved" me. But I didn't even really understand what that meant. I remember someone explaining that even if I was the only person on earth, he still would've died for me because he loved me so much. I still don't believe that. Call it poor self-esteem if you will, but I can't even imagine that being true. As much as I can say I have a deep relationship with God, the love the love stuff is still a tough pill to swallow. It just doesn't even compute.
My second real experience with love has been with Matt. Growing up in a loveless house really screws with every relationship. It took me a long time to tell him I loved him. I still openly question his love for me, even though I know in my head that he does, my heart struggles. When you feel unloveable, of course you question how someone can love you. I put him through the ringer questioning his love for me all the time. He, somewhat patiently, puts up with this, and I figure if I can't recognize love in a normal form, then I can recognize that even though I question his love, he keeps loving me. He doesn't leave. He just keeps trying to tell me. Maybe one day I'll understand.
I definitely struggle with "loving my enemy". I have a hard enough time feeling like I adequately love my friends and family. Somehow no matter how much effort I've put into enemy love, it has never panned out well.
My biggest struggle is the idea of having a child, and knowing how to show them love, and affection. I feel exceedingly inadequate. Not to mention that neither of our families are particularly "loving". I don't really know what the right thing is when you struggle with love. Do you pursue a family and pray that you learn how to love correctly? Do you just not go there because you don't want to screw another person up as much as you're screwed up? I have no idea. It's not that I don't believe I am incapable of love, as much as I don't have that parental love to reflect back on. That scares me.
Oh the thoughts you wake up with at 4am!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Concerts, Shootings, and Space.
The timing of our trip couldn't have been better! Late Wednesday night, Matt and I were packing up our car for our trip, when I heard people outside arguing. Our house is in a pretty quiet neighborhood, but the apartments across the street, like most apartments in Stockton, are a bit sketch. We hadn't had a single problem until then. Matt went outside just being a bit nosey, when one guy pulled out a gun and shot the other guy. Thankfully Matt heard the click of the gun before the first shot was fired and was able to get into the house and on the floor, but holy cupcakes was it terrifying! I quickly scrambled to find my phone and called the police. We had at least 8 police cars and an ambulance in front of our house within a couple of minutes. The victim was taken by ambulance, and I guess was expected to be okay. Matt was interviewed by the police for awhile, and then needless to say, we left.
I'd be lying if I said that having a shooting right in front of our house didn't make me anxious, but I've handled it much better than I expected. In fact, besides a few random panic attacks (like last night when I woke up with knee pain and convinced myself I have bone cancer...), I've been way way less anxious in general. Though I would probably attribute my newfound not-so-anxiousness to avoiding both people and situations that stress me out. I have someone in my life that scrutinizes and criticizes everything I do, and simply not being around them has done wonders for my stress level! Who knew?
Now that we're back to real life, I've thrown myself back into the world of Veterinary medicine, and out of school-- at least for the semester. Examining x-rays, assisting surgeries, and drawing lots and lots of blood is how my days are spent. I wouldn't have it any other way!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Character is (hopefully) not dead...
Being the anxious girl I am, I'm often a bit taken back by the world we live in. It can be a scary place. That being said, I feel like my life is pretty safe. I'm healthy, we live in a pretty quiet part of town, I married someone I knew for years before our relationship became romantic, and I am cautious by nature. I realize that any security is a false sense of security. Bad things happen unexpectedly all the time. I try to keep that in the corner of my mind. I like the idea of being more realistic and less surprised (about an hour after starting this blog I found out my identity was stolen...talk about timing...).
I tend to forget about my security, and how fortunate I am to have it. However, I was reminded last week while on my way to a concert with some older, single friends. We talked at length about romantic relationships, and how much harder they are when you're older. I was only 24 when Matt and I were married. He was my first serious boyfriend. I didn't go through any heartache, or break-ups. Again, my life has been safe. For these girls--they've endured the fix-ups, the comments about "not getting any younger" (which is annoying--Matt and I get that one all the time because we don't have kids), the assumptions that they are now too "set in their ways" for a relationship. Not to mention the bad dates with weird guys. I never considered how it is to find a good relationship.
All that being said, I don't believe character is dead. When I think about these awesome women, I remember that there are probably some really awesome single men that have had their share of comments, and bad experiences too. More than anything though, I think that these women will be just fine even if they never find that guy. They are independent, creative, smart and wonderful people. They go out and have fun, and are happy! Their singleness is not built on dysfunction, but that they'd rather be single than settle. I like that.
I learned my own lesson from our concert-bound conversation. That we have a choice to be happy and live a good life despite our circumstances. Waiting around for things to change and not allowing ourselves to enjoy the right now is a waste of a good life. Thank you my sweet, amazing single friends! You rock!
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
New Adventures in Home Ownership!
Being a home-owner is pretty sweet. Sure, it is fraught with hard work. Evidenced by forgetting our new trash schedule, our sink backing up into our bathtub, and waking up to half of our walnut tree in the street. That being said, it has been a huge answer to prayer. For years we weren't really sure where we wanted to end up. While we know Stockton is not going to be our forever home, we still have some years here. We were definitely growing out of apartment life, and I was sure tired of half of our belongings living in storage. Our dogs were practically begging for a bigger yard, Matt needed some garage space, I wanted an area to be crafty (thanks Pinterest), and since the "will we or won't we" baby talk officially begun, it was a no-brainer.
After everything we went through to get this house, I could cry every time we walk in the door. I wake up so thankful that it's really ours. It's glorious, albeit humble, but it is ours. While I'm really looking forward to the day when I feel like the work is finished, We are enjoying the process. It really is a ton of fun! As long as our air conditioner keeps pumping out cold air (can you believe this HOT weather?) I will continue to love our little house!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Whew!
What a week! Finally starting to catch my breath just to be hit with this coming busy week. Busy isn't bad-- just hectic. It's good to have so much to do! Especially for me, since I tend to let thinking get the best of me. I need the distraction to function!
My week started out pretty fun! I've been doing some volunteering with different Christian music events, and last Sunday was Air 1's Club Awesome tour. It was fun, and really made me miss my radio days... for about 5 minutes. Ha! Setting up, talking to listeners, escorting people around. It was a nice blast from the past. I'm excited to do more work with the Promotions Manager-- she is great!
The rest of the week was filled with birthday parties, work on the house, Matt's niece's 8th graduation, more work on the house, and finally commenced with a double-date of mini-golf, arcade games, and dinner at the Macaroni Grill. It was a needed fun event! Matt and I have spent a LOT of time together lately, it's just all been work. I was ready for a break with him!
This week we move! WooHoo! We still have MUCHO work to do, but thankfully the work is all stuff we can do as we go. Everything is coming along so nicely. I've had to convince myself to just enjoy it, and not let myself wonder how long it will last. I like to change things up, and between moving into our new house, thinking about our future, eliminating a source of drama and uber frustration from my life, and learning to make myself a priority, that is a LOT of change-up. I'm ready for it. I've needed it! The panic attacks and anxiety are still there. Which really sucks. But for whatever reason, this is a season I just need to deal with. For the first time in a long time, there is brightness on the horizon. I'm not letting the people and things that normally get me down have power over me and it feels good.
Here is to more busy (but good) days ahead!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Work...
Dang, owning a house is work!
Ha.
But seriously! This week we decided that we would try to get everything done. We failed. Turns out working on a house that has been vacant for over two years is only slightly within our spectrum of ability thus making it just easy enough to do ourselves, and hard enough to wish we had hired someone.
We were so thankful that so many people offered to help us sand our floors, paint and clean up the
yard. Then our house closed and the offers stopped. Ha! That fact made this week interesting! It's okay, really. Slowly but surly as people that said they'd help backed out, our appreciation for our house grew. Strange, but true. Matt is SO proud of the floors he painstakingly sanded all on his own. While Matt has been working on the livability, I've been working on the look of everything, and making it feel like our home. Picking out paint colors, planting flowers and visiting every decorating blog known to man. Not to mention carefully picking and choosing through my Pinterest boards. It's honestly been great!
While we haven't moved in, we're just SO excited. It's a new journey for us. A welcome journey in a slew of unwelcome journeys we've been walking through. Both a bit of brightness and a bit of a
distraction. When you've been walking through fog for so long, you start to forget that the good stuff is out there too-- it just doesn't always come easy. Sometimes you have to trudge through all the crap first. It reminds me of a trip to LA Matt and I took a few years ago. We left on a foggy January evening, and drove through horrible fog for hours with no end in sight. I can hardly describe how great it felt when half-way over the Grapevine it was suddenly clear! It was like a weight lifted, and we both took a big breath because up until that point it was intense. That's how we feel now. A big sigh of relief. It's a nice change of pace!
I sure hope the feeling stays for a while!
Ha.
But seriously! This week we decided that we would try to get everything done. We failed. Turns out working on a house that has been vacant for over two years is only slightly within our spectrum of ability thus making it just easy enough to do ourselves, and hard enough to wish we had hired someone.
We were so thankful that so many people offered to help us sand our floors, paint and clean up the
yard. Then our house closed and the offers stopped. Ha! That fact made this week interesting! It's okay, really. Slowly but surly as people that said they'd help backed out, our appreciation for our house grew. Strange, but true. Matt is SO proud of the floors he painstakingly sanded all on his own. While Matt has been working on the livability, I've been working on the look of everything, and making it feel like our home. Picking out paint colors, planting flowers and visiting every decorating blog known to man. Not to mention carefully picking and choosing through my Pinterest boards. It's honestly been great!
While we haven't moved in, we're just SO excited. It's a new journey for us. A welcome journey in a slew of unwelcome journeys we've been walking through. Both a bit of brightness and a bit of a
distraction. When you've been walking through fog for so long, you start to forget that the good stuff is out there too-- it just doesn't always come easy. Sometimes you have to trudge through all the crap first. It reminds me of a trip to LA Matt and I took a few years ago. We left on a foggy January evening, and drove through horrible fog for hours with no end in sight. I can hardly describe how great it felt when half-way over the Grapevine it was suddenly clear! It was like a weight lifted, and we both took a big breath because up until that point it was intense. That's how we feel now. A big sigh of relief. It's a nice change of pace!
I sure hope the feeling stays for a while!
Monday, April 22, 2013
The Trifecta Effect-a.
I'm exhausted. Everything going on my my life has decided to compile into one long week. Friday my Mother-in-law had surgery. She is fine, thankfully, but the recovery period is rough, and taking care of someone recovering from surgery is hard. I haven't slept well in four days, and I'm realizing how much that affects my mental sharpness and my ability to deal with normal stressors. Matt was able to take a couple of days off to help, and has been amazing though he is tired too. Yesterday I forgot my ATM pin number while trying to pay for groceries, tried to pay for my coffee twice, looked frantically for my cell phone while I was talking on it, and put away a plate in the fridge. I really need some sleep, but I seriously don't have time.
Our house is suppose to close this week. This transaction has be riffed with complications, and has been incredibly stressful. Our (awesome) realtor told me that in the 15 years she has been an agent she has never had so many issues that were not buyer related. Our life is packed in boxes and in storage. I'm so ready to be done. SO ready. We're not even in our house and a family member is trying to control what we do and how we do it-- even offering to pay for things to have them his way, then bursting out in anger when we say no, and trying to control it behind our backs. SO fun.
I'm scheduled to take the GRE test on Friday, and while I'm excited to get it done, I'm also fully aware that I won't be able to devote myself to studying this week. Between everything we having going on-- plus a slice of family drama on top and I just don't know if I can do it. I wish it didn't make me so upset, but sometimes it's hard to not be upset when you're responsible for so much while others don't take any responsibility at all. This is how it always seems to work. Many hands make the work light, but few make it heavy, and things are feeling heavy right now. Must figure our how to catch a break. Hopefully soon.
Our house is suppose to close this week. This transaction has be riffed with complications, and has been incredibly stressful. Our (awesome) realtor told me that in the 15 years she has been an agent she has never had so many issues that were not buyer related. Our life is packed in boxes and in storage. I'm so ready to be done. SO ready. We're not even in our house and a family member is trying to control what we do and how we do it-- even offering to pay for things to have them his way, then bursting out in anger when we say no, and trying to control it behind our backs. SO fun.
I'm scheduled to take the GRE test on Friday, and while I'm excited to get it done, I'm also fully aware that I won't be able to devote myself to studying this week. Between everything we having going on-- plus a slice of family drama on top and I just don't know if I can do it. I wish it didn't make me so upset, but sometimes it's hard to not be upset when you're responsible for so much while others don't take any responsibility at all. This is how it always seems to work. Many hands make the work light, but few make it heavy, and things are feeling heavy right now. Must figure our how to catch a break. Hopefully soon.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Heroes
It always strikes me as interesting whenever I watch an interview with someone that is hailed a hero after a particularly courageous or quick-thinking act that saves another from tragedy. As if they've been coached by the gods of humility themselves, they all say the same thing "Oh, I'm not a hero, anyone would've one what I did." I think most of the time they're right. I think the human race in general is one of compassion. Maybe not the most common belief about people, but I do believe that.
While I believe that those people are indeed heroes, I don't think they're the only kind of heroes. I'm not trying to lessen the greatness of a good deed done in the face of crisis. That is a truly admirable thing that should be appreciated and recognized. Especially when one risks his life for another, or in some cases gives his life for another. It's the ultimate sacrifice.
I was recently at a staff meeting for a non-profit Matt and I volunteer with. We were talking about how to really reach the kids we work with, and my friend, Robert, talked about laying his life down for them. It not like this was a new concept. How many times have I been in church and heard the pastor preach about John 15:13, about "greater love"? For some reason on that night it truly hit me. I need to lay down my life.
I started thinking about how to lay my life down for the people around me. I stopped thinking about big things and started thinking about being in the trenches with people. Laying down my life when it's hard. Laying my life down by being a good friend. Laying my life down when things are mundane. Laying my life down by filling practical needs for people. Laying my life down without recognition. Laying my life down by being a good listener. Laying my life down when it's inconvenient and taxing.
Laying down your life is not putting people and their needs on a shelf. It's not being ridged and rehearsed. It's not just swooping down to save the day when it's convenient. It's not to gain attention, or position. It's not in inauthentic humility. It's not only in the big things, but in the day to day.
Laying down your life, is just that-- Laying down anything you can receive in sacrifice and devotion to another.
While I believe that those people are indeed heroes, I don't think they're the only kind of heroes. I'm not trying to lessen the greatness of a good deed done in the face of crisis. That is a truly admirable thing that should be appreciated and recognized. Especially when one risks his life for another, or in some cases gives his life for another. It's the ultimate sacrifice.
I was recently at a staff meeting for a non-profit Matt and I volunteer with. We were talking about how to really reach the kids we work with, and my friend, Robert, talked about laying his life down for them. It not like this was a new concept. How many times have I been in church and heard the pastor preach about John 15:13, about "greater love"? For some reason on that night it truly hit me. I need to lay down my life.
I started thinking about how to lay my life down for the people around me. I stopped thinking about big things and started thinking about being in the trenches with people. Laying down my life when it's hard. Laying my life down by being a good friend. Laying my life down when things are mundane. Laying my life down by filling practical needs for people. Laying my life down without recognition. Laying my life down by being a good listener. Laying my life down when it's inconvenient and taxing.
Laying down your life is not putting people and their needs on a shelf. It's not being ridged and rehearsed. It's not just swooping down to save the day when it's convenient. It's not to gain attention, or position. It's not in inauthentic humility. It's not only in the big things, but in the day to day.
Laying down your life, is just that-- Laying down anything you can receive in sacrifice and devotion to another.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
And Another Cycle...
Over the last week my panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. After almost two months of only mild anxiety, I, small-mindedly, thought that season must be over. Obviously I was wrong. Bummer!
A series of painful headaches, and dizzy spells have had me pretty wrapped up in thinking something was very wrong with me. On a particularly stressful day of paperwork related to the purchase of our house, I became so dizzy at our Realtors house that I just sat down on the floor cupping my head in my hands, and praying for it to stop. The sweet Indian mother she is immediately brought me a glass of water, and some interestingly delicious crackers. It took almost 20 minutes for me to feel okay. It was madness. My anxiety has always manifested physically. Even my Thyroid condition came up during a really hard, stressful time in my early adulthood. I've always believed that it manifested as a result of constant stress.
I read a really interesting article the other day. Yes, very interesting, but also scary to me. It was talking about the way God brings people to himself-- how he allows certain trials into our lives so we have to look to Him. That His idea of all things working for our good vastly differ from what we would ask for ourselves. While something in me hates to admit that this has worked, since there are days all I have is Him to get my through, the other part of me is just thankful that I have a source of hope. At the risk of sounding like a suicide risk, I was just telling Matt the other day that I now understand why people with severe anxiety and depression often take their own lives. It is torture to feel helpless to something everyday. During the worst panic attack I've ever had (complete with Matt telling me he was calling 911) I stopped praying that God would help me, and started praying he would take me. That was the night I realized how severe my problem was becoming.
Now that I've educated myself, and have taken the right steps to get the right help, things don't feel as out of control. Even the duration of the attacks have dwindled down from sometimes 2-3 hours of severe "freak out" to 10-20 minutes and not quite as scary as they were. This time I've only woken Matt up once in the middle of the night scared, while between August and October that number was 26 times. So things are slowly getting better, and I'm still married, so that's a bonus!
While I still wish that God would heal me from this, I am also trying to believe that this is Him giving me what I need. Why I need it, I don't know, but I will try my best to Honey Badger through it! :-)
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
An Invitation...
I'm still on track to go to Vet School, and I'm really excited. I'm taking the GRE next month, and while I'm nervous about the math because math is NOT my strong suit, I've also been studying really hard, and have scored well on my practice software, which makes me happy. Going back to school after thinking my years a a student were done has been a daunting experience. I wasn't confident that I could do it, but now I'm feeling good. I can absolutely do this! I find myself retaining more medical information than I ever thought I could retain. I'm constantly playing "Diagnose this patient" on a Veterinary website. Whenever I come across terms I don't know, I start researching them. I love problem solving. I've been able to write some articles, and have had two published! One on effective client communication, and one about working with rescue groups. I feel passionate and accomplished. Most of all, I feel happy!
I emailed a Veterinary professor from UC Davis last week to ask a question about one of his classes. He told me I should just come up and see for myself, and invited me to sit in some classes! So next month Im making the trip to Davis to visit their brand new teaching facility, and sit in on some classes. I'm so excited! Then I'll be attending their annual picnic with some friends/alumni to check out the program more. Even though Davis is not my first choice, I'm really looking forward to at least seeing what they have to offer!
It's nice to see dreams become realities. I've worked hard my whole life, yet never quite knew what I wanted to do. It's nice to have it figured out!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Broken Stained-Glass Windows, The Fragments Ramble On...
What to do when nothing is enough. A void that craves fulfillment. An insatiable hunger. An unrequited love.
How do you respond to someone who is unsatisfied despite effort by all?
This is a question I've frequently asked myself. Because I have this life filled with difficult, high maintenance people, I often have to reassess relationships. This is one burden I'd rather not bare. It's draining. It's frustrating. As much as I've been ignoring some of them out of sheer lack of time, they're always there. We're always trying to figure out the right way to go about it. Sometimes this makes me angry. Always trying to do the right thing while the other person doesn't really care. I struggle with resentment. Right now though, I'm annoyed and angry. Honestly, I shouldn't be because it's really not about me. However, having a "speck" in my eye pointed out over and over while the other person has a 2x4 sticking out of their eye is frustrating. I'm far far far from perfect, but gracious, is it wrong to pray that someone gains self-awareness and also that they learn to see beyond themselves? There is a whole world out there, and expecting it to revolve around you will always leave you disappointed.
**Side note: I know those of you with great, functional family and friends don't get it when I post things like this, so kindly ignore. However, feeling alone in this for years prompted me to be honest about the struggles I go though with my family. It's not always pretty or positive, but it's my life. It's real. It's sometimes brutal.***
Sometimes it's exhausting being around people that need constant attention, validation and praise, and be the bad guy if you don't constantly dish it out. To not only be the one someone calls on whenever they need something, but also the punching bag that they project all of their problems onto. To seriously get nothing out of a relationship that you have to be in. To not ever ask anything, yet still always be the bad guy. Something just set me off with it today. I just want to fix everything, but some things are not in my hands.
Today after feeling annoyed, the song "Art In Me" by Jars of Clay popped into my head. Mostly this lyric:
"In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, see the art in me"
I'm trying to "get" it. To understand this need for constant affirmation. To not feel resentment or frustration. To just to figure out why I've been the subject of so much strange competition and comparison, and not let it bother me when I see the injustice in the accusation. Because their issues don't have to be my issues. All I can do is pray for more compassion and less annoyance. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a struggle.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
One Word.
Oh, the craziness that is making New Years Resolutions. I always make them. I never follow through with them. I'm really hard on myself, so for me, it just breeds self-hatred. This year I vowed that my resolution would be not to make one. Besides that, I've been too distracted to even really think about it. I know some people who are not doing a resolution, but are doing "My One Word". www.myoneword.com My One Word is the idea that you just pick one word as you mantra for the year. That I can do! It only took about 2 seconds for me to pick my word:
Courage
If there is anything I want to focus on this year, courage is it. The last five months I have been overcome by fear and anxiety. There is not a day that goes by where I'm not in fear of something. Some days it's a dull fear that lasts all day, and others it's full on panic attacks. I can easily say this has been one of the biggest trials of my life. I have headaches every single day, and I clinch my jaw so tightly that my whole face hurts. My heart pounds, I get dizzy, I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes it's so bad that I seriously feel like I have something seriously wrong with me medically, and I'm going to die. I'm not sure why I'm going through this, and I world be lying if I said I haven't questioned God as to why I feel so unsafe. I'm just trying to lean on the promise that He will use this for good. That this trial like any other will give me perseverance. That He will never leave me.
I want to have courage. I want to be able to face things in my life without being afraid. I need to have enough courage to allow myself to let go of the things in my life that make me feel this way. Courage is what I need, and what I will try to focus on this year. I'm definitely ready for it!
Courage
If there is anything I want to focus on this year, courage is it. The last five months I have been overcome by fear and anxiety. There is not a day that goes by where I'm not in fear of something. Some days it's a dull fear that lasts all day, and others it's full on panic attacks. I can easily say this has been one of the biggest trials of my life. I have headaches every single day, and I clinch my jaw so tightly that my whole face hurts. My heart pounds, I get dizzy, I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes it's so bad that I seriously feel like I have something seriously wrong with me medically, and I'm going to die. I'm not sure why I'm going through this, and I world be lying if I said I haven't questioned God as to why I feel so unsafe. I'm just trying to lean on the promise that He will use this for good. That this trial like any other will give me perseverance. That He will never leave me.
I want to have courage. I want to be able to face things in my life without being afraid. I need to have enough courage to allow myself to let go of the things in my life that make me feel this way. Courage is what I need, and what I will try to focus on this year. I'm definitely ready for it!
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