Monday, March 30, 2009

Get me my running shoes....


Sometimes I wish Matt and I could live in a cave, away from the rest of civilization. That is so awful! I know. I know I just can't seem to get the whole "relationships with other people" thing right. Like I really do try to do the right thing by people in my life. I fail sometimes, and there are times where I'm not as good of a friend as I could be. I'll be the first to admit that. I just can't help but feel like in a lot of the relationships Matt and I have, we have to be the ones to extend ourselves first. We honestly don't mind, usually. Lately though, we have been struggling. We're always so busy "fixing" everyone else, that our relationship with each other suffers. We get so frustrated because while we're doing things for everyone else, our own responsibilities end up going on the back burner. We both crave good friendship. Sadly most of our really good friends live out of town, or are insanely busy themselves, which makes it hard to find the time to hang out, or have good fellowship, or even just to have some relaxing time to recharge together.

I know personally, I've always struggled with "burn-out". I have the classic "can't say no" personality. The complicating factor is that I really enjoy helping people. I never ever want people in my life to not ask me for help because they are afraid that I'll feel taken advantage of. At the same time, Matt and I have people in our lives that depend on us too much, and drain the life out of us. Sometimes I wish that other friends or family members in our lives would see a need and step in themselves. Usually with those people though, the word "no" is just not an option. Even when Matt and I have made mention that we need relief from certain situations, no one else is willing to do anything. That's when the discouragement comes in. Sometimes I just don't know how you can so often carry the burdens of others without losing yourself.

Maybe if we were really close to our families emotionally it would be easier. Not that they don't love us, and we don't love them, but it's just not typical family life. Neither of us are super close to our siblings. My sister and I haven't spoken in years, Matt's half-brother lives across the country, his sister lives here, but has the same kind of family pressures we have, and Matt's other brother lives here, but we don't have much of a relationship with him, not by our choice really, just the nature of things. So I think we struggle with family unity. Like, I don't mind taking the bad with the good, but it seems like really good family time is hard to come by. Often it's a huge ordeal to get everyone together for the sole purpose of spending good quality time together. Usually we only all hear from each other when there is a need. I wish that wasn't the way things were... We've tried to develop better relationships with them, but it's been really really tough.


Forgive me here while I sort out my thoughts. It's been a major struggle recently. I just feel like no one really understands. That's why the only option I see is to get away from here. I don't want to run away, but at the same time, Matt and I can't fix all of this and it's so draining that some days I dread getting out of bed. That is the most frustrating part. It seems like everyone wants help with the symptoms of their problems, but not with the ACTUAL issues. It's hard to think of living here forever, but not having solid relationships. What's the point? We want to start a family in the next couple of years, but the thought of bringing them into this whole mess is so scary. I mean, I want my children to have a warm, loving, family! the family that I never had. How do you teach that in the middle of chaos?

All I know is that something has got to give. What? I don't know. All I really know is that life is too darn short to spend all of your time being crazy. Oh how I wish I could tell those people in my life that. Alas though, better to be quiet, then to disturb the crazies. I've learned my lesson well....

Now I must research a good place for Matt and I to have Easter brunch. I'm actually really looking forward to spending the day with my husband, but it would've been nice to spend it with family. No strings attached.






Thursday, March 19, 2009

You just can't change people...

I give people too many chances. In in effort to learn true forgiveness, I end up letting people walk all over me. I just can't find balance between forgiveness and a backbone. I thought that time would heal the issues, and I bet sometimes it does. But I'm always going to think about the situation, and think things will never be the same. They won't be. I hate that I can't even be honest about my feelings because my "enemies" read my blog, and will go and "tattle' as soon as I speak a hint of truth. That bothers me the most. I'm not even allowed to speak the truth because no one wants to hear it. They are so worried about defending things blindly, that they have no idea what the truth really is. I could sit around and point fingers too, but I don't have to. I know what the truth is.

Last night was awful, and if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have been there. I don't enjoy stirring the pot. I'm not a trouble maker, but it hurts me to the core to know that there are a few people (who of course have never spent time trying to get to know me) that think I am. I stay far away from conflict, but my soul will not allow me to stand there and say nothing in a matter of injustice. If that makes me unpopular, then so be it. Sadly for me, I love to be liked, and it bugs me like crazy when someone thinks poorly of me. However, I cannot change people. They are going to think whatever they want of me until they get to know me, and that's fine. I just can't keep letting it get to me. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know my sins, which makes it sorta funny when I hear a new thing that a member of that "group" has made up about me. I mean, really. Point out something that is actually wrong with me. Trust me when I say there is enough there, you really don't have to make the effort to make things up!

So please, if you have an issue with me, then take it up with me. I hear everything you say anyway, and if you're not a total coward, you'll do the right thing and give me a chance to make things right. Otherwise, keep talking, and assuming that you know me. But let's face it, you don't know me. If you did, you what know that I love people more then anything, and am usually more then willing to work stuff out and move on. I just wish you would give me that chance. I gave you chance after chance as you were lying right to my face and I knew it, and I was still faithful to what I felt I was called to do despite you lying to me. That's what Christians are suppose to do. To do the right thing no matter what. So do the right thing by me, and give me the benefit of the doubt.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Prayer of St. Patrick




Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me,

Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort and restore me. Christ

beneath me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet, and in danger, Christ in hearts

of all that love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Heart-Seeker




If you asked me to dig down into the pits of my heart, and tell you what my deepest desires are, you would know that I desperately want people to like me. In fact, the mere thought of rejection is enough to make me want to cry into my pillow. It's sad, and more then that, it's pathetic. I realize that. I understand that while I'm vying for the affections of people, that I end up neglecting my relationship with God, which aside from knowing how pathetic I am, is heart-breaking to me.

How I long to be that person "whose heart beats to His heart". Not that it is out of reach, but I know it will take much more intentional growth on my part. I say intentional, because it's so easy to go through the motions as Christians. It's so easy to have all the right answers, and to pretend to be "super Christian". I think "intention growth" can be challenging. Actually spending time praying, not only for myself, and not out of an obligation to pray, or a feeling of guilt, but because I genuinely want to develop a relationship with him. Or serving for no other reason then to be obedient to God, and to please Him.

I hope that one day, I can honestly say that I am a woman after the very heart of God. I have a long way to go, but I know that God has always been perusing my heart--all I have to do is reciprocate.

Monday, March 2, 2009

April showers in March...

When it rains (literally, or figuratively) I always think of the song. It's gotten me through my hardest of days.



April Showers- Cademon's Call

Like April Showers on the slick cement
When I consider how our light is spent
Keeping the candles inside the cathedral
Hold on tight, Don't go into the night
So full of evil

Rain rain don't go away
We need you this dry and dusty day
Rain rain don't go away
Though some may say please go away

Like the April Showers on the slick cement
And the roads once straight have now become so bent
Weaving through the trees of vain security
Rounding round the hard rocks of hard morality

And the sacred cows
Feed on the green
While the least of these
Are dying on the streets
And they're crying...