I'm learning that sometimes my greatest downfall is having high expectations of the people in my life. I always say that I'm a bit of a disgruntled idealist. I want things to be good, and great and perfect. I want everyone to get along, and respect each-other. I want people to be themselves, and allow others to be themselves. However, this is a pipe-dream this side of heaven. There will always be injustice (and I know a thing or two about injustice lately). There will always be different opinions. Opinions that can't be either kept to oneself, or conveyed in a respectful way. There will always be butting heads, frustrating situations, arguments. It's not an issue of not wanting to be "real", but of respecting each other. I can't stress how much I hate it. I don't know why I have such an aversion for conflict. I just do. I just want so badly for things to be good.
So I guess the question isn't so much how to have things be perfect, but how to deal with imperfect situations. How to have expectations, but not crash down when things don't work out the way I hoped. The truth is, I just don't know how to get to that place. I will never apologize for wanting a good, peaceful, drama-free life. I just have to get to a place where I can deal with the letdown without feeling upset, and defeated. Without blaming myself. Without the temptation to throw the baby out with the bath water, and deem the entire thing bad.
I obviously need to find balance in this before I go crazy. I suppose it's a matter of handing every situation over to God, and allowing him to take my "cares". Sometimes that's hard too because as much as God has multifaceted wisdom beyond anything we know, I sometimes even feel like He lets me down. Does he really? No. He does circles around me when it comes to wisdom. But because I can't see things the way he sees them, My doubting Thomas ways come to the surface. I think it's a normal part of having a relationship with God. I've always thought that getting older means gaining a deeper understanding of things. But I'm feeling more confused then ever. I think I need a nap!
