Fulfillment...

In life there are many things we have to do. Many rules we have to adhere to, many expectations to live up to. For a lot of years I lived life for other people. I strived to please everyone and would bend over backwards to make people feel happy. I got satisfaction from feeling like I was providing for a need, or just making someones day a bit brighter.

Over the years, that enthusiasm has faded. Not for the people I'm close to, but for people that liked me only because of the things I did, and not because of who I am. I'll be the first to admit-- I'm on the quirky side. My humor is weird, dry and feeble, I've had a lot of crazy stuff happen in my life, and sometimes that makes me unrelateable, I'm both outgoing and painfully shy depending on the situation. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be everyone's cup of tea.

When you've valued yourself based on your value to others for years, it can cause you to feel unfulfilled. Any feeling based on the feeling of another is bound to waver on occasion. For me, this is where I felt God stepped in. There was a few years ago that a lot of my "friendships" seemed to crumble. Of course, I was the common denominator, and my self worth plummeted. I really started to examine why this was happening. It took me a while, but I realized why these relationships were failing. It was because I was no longer making as much effort. I didn't actually realize it, but I was just distracted with being a wife, a good friend to my closest friends, and working. I was taking care of me for one of the first times in my life.

While those days were filled with hurt (who wants to feel like people hate them?) I'm in a way better place. I feel like I've found my voice.  I stand up for myself, and if something is bothering me, I speak up. It's not popular, but no longer allowing people to say whatever they want, or have giant expectations is worth every second. Thank the good lord for boundaries!

Love.

Love has always been a hard concept for me to understand. I'm not sure how "normal" that is since nothing in my life has ever been normal. I think about the different kinds of love fairly often. I also think about how to practice love as well. I feel like maybe it shouldn't be as difficult as I make it. 

 I grew up in a house where love was not present. Not between my parents, not between my sister and I, and not between my sister and I and my parents. "I love you" was not a phrase spoken in our house. I grew up not thinking, but knowing that I was considered an unwanted burden. I was told that I was a "mistake" all the time. My mother blamed me because she married my dad when she found out she was pregnant with me. 

How that crap tends to stick with you! 

My first experience with love came from going to church when I was 11. I was told about a God that "loved" me. But I didn't even really understand what that meant. I remember someone explaining that even if I was the only person on earth, he still would've died for me because he loved me so much. I still don't believe that. Call it poor self-esteem if you will, but I can't even imagine that being true. As much as I can say I have a deep relationship with God, the love the love stuff is still a tough pill to swallow. It just doesn't even compute. 

My second real experience with love has been with Matt. Growing up in a loveless house really screws with every relationship. It took me a long time to tell him I loved him. I still openly question his love for me, even though I know in my head that he does, my heart struggles. When you feel unloveable, of course you question how someone can love you. I put him through the ringer questioning his love for me all the time. He, somewhat patiently, puts up with this, and I figure if I can't recognize love in a normal form, then I can recognize that even though I question his love, he keeps loving me. He doesn't leave. He just keeps trying to tell me. Maybe one day I'll understand. 

I definitely struggle with "loving my enemy". I have a hard enough time feeling like I adequately love  my friends and family. Somehow no matter how much effort I've put into enemy love, it has never panned out well. 

My biggest struggle is the idea of having a child, and knowing how to show them love, and affection. I feel exceedingly inadequate. Not to mention that neither of our families are particularly "loving". I don't really know what the right thing is when you struggle with love. Do you pursue a family and pray that you learn how to love correctly? Do you just not go there because you don't want to screw another person up as much as you're screwed up? I have no idea. It's not that I don't believe I am incapable of love, as much as I don't have that parental love to reflect back on. That scares me.

Oh the thoughts you wake up with at 4am! 

Concerts, Shootings, and Space.

Matt and I just spent a long weekend enjoying the nice weather of Monterey, and the music of Spirit West Coast. We enjoyed a ton of concerts, and working with K-Love radio for the weekend . Getting away is always a huge blessing to me! I thrive when I'm away from my crazy life. I wish I could be a professional vacationer!

The timing of our trip couldn't have been better! Late Wednesday night, Matt and I were packing up our car for our trip, when I heard people outside arguing. Our house is in a pretty quiet neighborhood, but the apartments across the street, like most apartments in Stockton, are a bit sketch. We hadn't had a single problem until then. Matt went outside just being a bit nosey, when one guy pulled out a gun and shot the other guy. Thankfully Matt heard the click of the gun before the first shot was fired and was able to get into the house and on the floor, but holy cupcakes was it terrifying! I quickly scrambled to find my phone and called the police. We had at least 8 police cars and an ambulance in front of our house within a couple of minutes. The victim was taken by ambulance, and I guess was expected to be okay. Matt was interviewed by the police for awhile, and then needless to say, we left.

I'd be lying if I said that having a shooting right in front of our house didn't make me anxious, but I've handled it much better than I expected. In fact, besides a few random panic attacks (like last night when I woke up with knee pain and convinced myself I have bone cancer...), I've been way way less anxious in general. Though I would probably attribute my newfound not-so-anxiousness to avoiding both people and situations that stress me out. I have someone in my life that scrutinizes and criticizes everything I do, and simply not being around them has done wonders for my stress level! Who knew? 

Now that we're back to real life, I've thrown myself back into the world of Veterinary medicine, and out of school-- at least for the semester. Examining x-rays, assisting surgeries, and drawing lots and lots of blood is how my days are spent. I wouldn't have it any other way!