Improvement...

I've finally found my home-improvement second wind. I was so burned out by the end of last year that I just quit. I am finally tired enough of eating at the coffee table to finish our dining room. 

I'm pretty obsessed with black and white stripes. My vision for that room was always white walls, black stripes and blue/teal accents. I now have that wall! I am no interior decorator, but its fun to see my vision start to come together. 

We sold our dining room table last year before we moved. It was never my style, and I knew I didn't want to lug something I hated to our new place. I have kept an eye out for a cool antique table that I could refinish, and finally thrifted a great one today. I knew a modern rectangle table would make that room look WAY too modern for my taste. 

I'm excited to see it finished!! 

Warm...

I've, admittedly, never been a big fan of warm weather. I prefer lazy fall mornings. I'm already dreaming of late September. Visions of sitting on the couch wrapped in my favorite chenille throw while sipping a hot, fresh, pumpkin spice latte (extra cinnamon, please?), and perusing through an old book, or a new magazine are dancing around in my head. All this while watching the leaves unhurriedly change from shades of green to crimson and gold as October approaches. Autumn has always held a sacred place in my heart.

For now, I'm in May. The temperature has been inching towards the 100 degree mark. My schedule is getting busier and crazier, and I am gritting my teeth and baring it, but I don't want to. I don't want simply get through something because it's uncomfortable. I want to find beauty-- even in things that aren't my favorite. 

This year I made a summer bucket list. There were a few reasons I decided to do it, but mostly because I want to be more intentional with my time. There have been many seasons, both metaphorically and literally, where I have basically thrown my hands over my ears, squeezed my eyes shut, and yelled "Lalalalala" like a frustrated 3 year old because I didn't want to deal with something that was uncomfortable. What a waste of precious time. 

Living with intention has been a real goal and challenge for me the last few years. Not just simply "getting through" uncomfortable periods of life, but growing and learning through them. I'm sure I couldn't count on 100 hands the lessons I've missed by trying to elude any sort of incommodious circumstances. 

My intention for this summer is fun. I just want to enjoy myself, my friends, my house, and even the dreaded heat. I want to take road trips, an eat cold watermelon with my cousins while we pelt each other with water balloons. I want to spend an entire day swimming in the ocean. I want to spray lemon juice in my hair and sit in the sun. I want to sit on the back porch

eating fresh salad from my garden and watch the dogs play.

I want to be happy. For me, happiness starts with intention. Not hoping, wishing or dreaming-- but actually doing what I know I love.

Maybe Summer will be my new favorite season? 

Fail...

The anxiety monster is at it again. He lurks in the shadows just waiting to squelch any possibility of a good time. It's so frustrating. 

Last night I went to a concert in SF with a  friend. Being a passenger in a car is really hard for me. I'm super nervous when other people drive. That being said, last night me driving was a mistake. 5pm traffic in SF is nerve wrecking! I missed a turn, got lost, went to two different parking garages, and by the end of it, I was a mess. Yup-- over traffic. 

As we sat at dinner, I could feel hives creeping up my face and down my neck. I had tried to hide how anxious I was really feeling because its such a burden on other people, and this was suppose to be a fun night. But you can't hide a face full of hives. Ugh. The entire night I kept stumbling over my words, couldn't think straight, was fumbling with things and in a total fog. 

I've spent my entire day feeling angry and embarrassed. At what, I can only speculate. At myself for not being able to get a grip on my feelings? That I chose to drive? Because a parking attendant was really rude to me? That a friend witnessed my meltdown, and I don't want him to judge me? I really don't know. Maybe a little bit of all of that. 

I'm tempted to never leave the house again. I'm suppose to go back to the Bay Area tomorrow night, but I can't even imagine how I'm going to drag myself there. 

I know these feelings aren't normal. They're annoying and actually really scary. I just don't know what to do about them. 

Keep

Keep my heart safe when I fall. 

Keep my heart safe when I try. 

Keep my heart safe when I'm anxious.

Keep my heart safe when I'm confused.

Keep my heart safe when I don't have words.

Keep my heart safe when I'm honest, even painfully so. 

Keep my heart safe when I'm exhausted. 

Keep my heart safe when You feel far away. 

Help me to love more.

To trust more. 

To know that I'm loved.

To extend that love to those around me.

Thank you for my life.

Thank you for Your blessings.

Thank you for the mud and mire.

Be with me. 

  

Out of the Overflow...

My heart is full today! My week was a bit rough, but I was definitely less anxious this week, which makes a huge difference day to day. I'm so thankful to see this latest cycle of panic start to dwindle. Hoping it ends completely and soon! I have big plans that are not compatible with anxiousness!  

Last night I went out with some work friends. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much-- even to the point of tears! Of course, I'm not sure that people sitting next to us appreciated our veterinary medicine talk-- which can get a little crazy. It was fun! 

Maybe I live a life where I need to have struggles to truly appreciate all the goodness there is. And there is definitely a lot of goodness in my life. 

Good. Bad. Ugly.

Thankfully yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't experience any anxiety or panic. I felt like I could breathe. My thoughts were clear and concise. My heart rate was slow and steady. I smiled and meant it. Lovely! 

Those are the days I live for. They remind me that there is beauty in life's tragic imperfection. I can allow myself to feel my feelings without being consumed by them. Even the typical ebb and flow. 

Then today happened. What started off normal took a sudden turn. A mean comment was hurled in my direction. Like most people, women especially,   I desperately struggle with my self-image. I'm a chubby 31 year old with acne, cellulite, a weird face shape, and stick straight hair. I have to watch YouTube videos to learn how to do anything with my hair, makeup and to learn how to put outfits together. Those things were never taught to me-- and I'm not good at them naturally. 

The last 6 months I've really kept my diet in check. Not without the occasional splurge, but have just tried in general to be more mindful of what I put into my mouth. Last I checked, I was down 26 lbs. Not a huge amount of weight since I have a long way to go, but enough that I was starting not to hate myself so much. I bought some new outfits that made me feel good. That's a huge step. I even tried them on in the store dressing room. I never do that. I always feel like I'm putting pretty curtains up over an ugly window anyway. 

I was drinking Starbucks today. It's the one treat I really allow myself. Mostly because I've been so exhausted lately. I even get it non-fat without whipped cream. That's when the comment came "You know you're fat because you drink that s*** all the time?!" 

I was speechless. I'm still just dumbfounded. Everyone in the room was dead silent. I stood there so mortified. Then I walked out. I mean, what do you say to that? 

When I got home, I started getting all of my smaller clothes out of my closet, and trying them on. I needed to know they fit. I did this in tears, reaming myself for being such a damn screw-up the entire time. Once again I let someone's opinion of me deeply affect my self worth. Then I started hating myself even more. Yay for shame spirals! 

Needless to say, today has been painful. I'm hurt, and angry. I've cried until my face hurt. This is why I hate anxiety so much. We all have days like today, but when anxiousness steals so many days that would otherwise be great, one stolen by someone being an ass (for lack of a better term) makes you sad and angry. 

That said, I see a latte in my near future. X-tra whip, you know, for the haters. 

Going First...

It's hard to describe the million different emotions I've felt this week. Intense fear, relief, peace, stomach-churning anxiety, happiness, and  more vulnerability than I've allowed myself to experience in a very long time. Feelings are uncomfortable-- especially when you're a sensitive Sally like me.  Even more so when you're dealing with an anxiety disorder like I am.

I've been keeping my heart safe. Putting up nearly impenetrable walls in a feeble effort to protect myself from any pain. Diving into work, and our house and distracting myself from life. I got myself into a comfortable routine. For me , panic attacks are nearly non-existent in routine. My mind is so occupied  at work that I don't panic there. A solid 8 hours of sleep, and a hot bath keeps me grounded. It's when I'm alone, tired and vulnerable-- a bundle of thoughts, concerns and insecurities. It's an internal terror that I don't ever want to face. I'm in tears just writing that. It controls me. Churning inside of my heart and mind until I would do almost anything to make it stop. It's a desperately painful cycle. The more panic attacks I have, the more overall anxious I become.  It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. Just waiting for impact. All. The. Time.

This week threw me out of my routine. Both beautifully and painfully so. I experienced some reconciliation in a relationship. If I were being totally honest. I'd say I'm terrified. I know that there will be bumps, and expectations. I know how broken I am when it comes to relationships. The older you get, the more aware of your faults you become. I'm aware-- very aware of my shortcomings. I don't want to mess things up. I really hope I don't. Really.

We had family in town this week. I didn't eat well. I didn't sleep well. I let tense situations get to me, and have paid in panic attacks. I've spent time alone in tears all while assuring others that I'm okay. Even tonight. even with Matt. I'm tired of burdening people with it. At the same time I know how important it is for me to be honest about it. I want to go first. I want to make my issue a sorce of comfort for people that struggle with the same things. I want people to know that I'm not perfect. I find the most freedom in that. I want others to feel that freedom.

If I were honest, I would admit that I feel like I'm drowning. I forgot how terrible the panic makes me feel. Or how much of a pretty face I put on because I don't want people to know, or worry about me.

If I were honest, I'd say I don't know what to do. I can't always control my routine. Does that mean I'm always going to struggle with this?

If I were honest, I would tell you how much I just want to run away. But I know from experience that that doesn't fix a thing.

I'm a total hypocrite. Not even 24 hours ago I was doling out advice based on my struggles. Advice that I've clearly ignored today. That makes me angry at myself.

I have to figure this out.