Good. Bad. Ugly.

Thankfully yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't experience any anxiety or panic. I felt like I could breathe. My thoughts were clear and concise. My heart rate was slow and steady. I smiled and meant it. Lovely! 

Those are the days I live for. They remind me that there is beauty in life's tragic imperfection. I can allow myself to feel my feelings without being consumed by them. Even the typical ebb and flow. 

Then today happened. What started off normal took a sudden turn. A mean comment was hurled in my direction. Like most people, women especially,   I desperately struggle with my self-image. I'm a chubby 31 year old with acne, cellulite, a weird face shape, and stick straight hair. I have to watch YouTube videos to learn how to do anything with my hair, makeup and to learn how to put outfits together. Those things were never taught to me-- and I'm not good at them naturally. 

The last 6 months I've really kept my diet in check. Not without the occasional splurge, but have just tried in general to be more mindful of what I put into my mouth. Last I checked, I was down 26 lbs. Not a huge amount of weight since I have a long way to go, but enough that I was starting not to hate myself so much. I bought some new outfits that made me feel good. That's a huge step. I even tried them on in the store dressing room. I never do that. I always feel like I'm putting pretty curtains up over an ugly window anyway. 

I was drinking Starbucks today. It's the one treat I really allow myself. Mostly because I've been so exhausted lately. I even get it non-fat without whipped cream. That's when the comment came "You know you're fat because you drink that s*** all the time?!" 

I was speechless. I'm still just dumbfounded. Everyone in the room was dead silent. I stood there so mortified. Then I walked out. I mean, what do you say to that? 

When I got home, I started getting all of my smaller clothes out of my closet, and trying them on. I needed to know they fit. I did this in tears, reaming myself for being such a damn screw-up the entire time. Once again I let someone's opinion of me deeply affect my self worth. Then I started hating myself even more. Yay for shame spirals! 

Needless to say, today has been painful. I'm hurt, and angry. I've cried until my face hurt. This is why I hate anxiety so much. We all have days like today, but when anxiousness steals so many days that would otherwise be great, one stolen by someone being an ass (for lack of a better term) makes you sad and angry. 

That said, I see a latte in my near future. X-tra whip, you know, for the haters.