A very Hardy birthday.

I love my Jenny! No, really, LOVE her! She has been one of my best friends for years. The friend I can *always* be honest with. She's beautiful. Probably has the best personality, and best sense of humor of anyone I've ever known. Seriously. We spent the day together today, celebrating her birthday over Butcher Shoppe sandwiches, and Safeway cupcakes. Delish! We also hit the Galt flea market, and bought more $1 jewelry then we knew existed, and proceeded to wear every piece. Went to Lodi Lake so Jenny could do some practice photography, then headed back to her house for a little birthday party. It was lovely.

I'm blessed to have Jenny in my life! I loved celebrating her day with her! :-)

Confirmed.

I don't always know the best way to process things, but I try to just take things as they come. Going away with Matt helped so much. I can't explain the peaceful feeling in my heart. Before we left, I felt unshakable anxiousness. In fact, I had a horrible panic attack in the middle of Target, so badly that the cashier was really worried about me. My hands were shaking so badly that I could hardly pay for my items. Not good.

Matt and I were able to talk about the way I've been feeling. He's been feeling similar. I feel like God has really confirmed in my heart things that I thought to be true, and now I'm realizing they are indeed true. That's tough! While I know that we shouldn't give up hope, I've really felt God tell me that things aren't going to change soon. We want our families to be healthy and functional more then anything, but we know that their health and functionality is up to them. Not that God can't do a good work. Not that it means that things will never get better, but that we can't do anything about it, and that in some respects, being around it only makes us unhealthy.

While we were gone, I was so relaxed. A feeling I haven't felt in so long. The situation I've been in has been a no-win for me. No matter what I do, someone is upset with me. But while we were away, I just got to be myself. No pressure, no feeling bad because of someone else's issues, no being taken advantage of, no getting in trouble for doing what was asked of me. Just rest. I don't think I can ever go back to how it has been, seeing what it can be. It's caused Matt and I to take a hard look at things. We thought we were helping, but we're just hurting ourselves. We know we need to create some serious distance. It's coming. We've sacrificed so much just to get drama in return. No more. I think we both realize we have to take personal responsibility for our emotional health, just like we expect our family members to take responsibility for theirs. It's hard, but that realization brings us some serious relief! We have conformation of our next step, something we haven't always had. Things are going to be changing. I say "bring it on!".

Mission accomplished!

Our Christmas was beautiful! Matt and I left the afternoon of Christmas eve, and headed to chilly Truckee, CA for some rest, relaxation, and reflection. We needed to get away so badly, and God seriously paved the way! Every single detail worked out flawlessly! We rented a nice condo that overlooked downtown Truckee. Their downtown area is so classy. The streets are lined with trees, adorned with christmas lights, and real icicles. Of course, when we walked the downtown strip on Christmas Eve night, I forgot my camera. Bummer. The picture above was taken from our bedroom balcony early Christmas morning!

Of course, the weather was slightly frigid.

This was the temp in the sun. It was actually only about 4 degrees. We realized exactly how cold it was when Matt pulled out a gallon of water we put in the car, and it was frozen solid!

Christmas morning, Matt and I got up, opened presents, and then went back to bed, sleeping until the early afternoon. I can't explain what a contrast this is from a "normal" Christmas day for us. There was no pressure, no worrying about other peoples drama, no running around like mad. It was wonderful.

Us enjoying the snowy weather!

Scout enjoyed it too! He officially loves the snow!

I couldn't comprehend the idea of Christmas without a Christmas tree, so I purchased a small artificial one before our trip. We also brought our stockings. The fireplace was beautiful, even more so adorned with our Christmas things!

I guess someone told Santa I was bad this year,

because this is what I found in my stocking!

We had such a great time! We're already planning a trip for Christmas 2010! Destination Christmases are my new favorite thing!

When my world is shaking, heaven stands.

Life is so temporary. The trials, and the hardships, and the pain. Just a bleep on the radar screen. This song has been my anthem the last few days. I feel like my heart has written these words a million times over. I just need to have faith that He will indeed "set all things right" in His time. I know that he will, but I lose sight of that so often. Of course, now the task is figuring out what the right thing is in the meantime. But I'm just going to trust that He's going to answer me in time.

God has provided us some good friends in recent days. I feel like they are the 40 year old Matt and Sarah. :-) They have similar family issues, and have the same kind of views Matt and I do, except older and more experienced. It might help that one of them is a phycologist! They encourage Matt and I so much! They've validated us, they've given us great advice, they've just been there for us through all of this craziness. I had kind of a yucky day, and when they found out, they insisted that I come over and hang out and talk to them. Of course, they made me feel so much better. It was exactly what I needed. So no, God hasn't taken away the dysfunction, but he has provided help for us. He always does. The problem is we don't credit Him with it when we should.

Prisencolinensinainciusol!

This is so amazing! Basically the story goes that this Italian singer/songwriter wrote this song to sound like English, using English phonetics. In reality, it's all gibberish! So I guess now I know how hard it might be to learn English! Insanity! I may or may not have listened to this 5 times today... ;-)

White Christmas!!

Matt and I have been talking for the last two weeks about going out of town for Christmas. We really need a vacation, and with the amount of family drama going on, we really needed out! We debated between going to a beachy place, or the snow. I've always dreamed of a white Christmas, and Matt thought it would be fun to be in "snow country" too! We started shopping for cabin rentals, and developed a major case of sticker shock! I knew we'd pay, but I had no idea how much we would pay. We got a quote of over $2,000 for two days in a small tahoe cabin...ouch! Most of them were more like $400 per night with a 5 night minimum, which we couldn't do either. I was crushed! So much so that I actually cried!

We were holding onto a glimmer of hope though. I had emailed one person that had a condo she was willing to rent for $100 per night in downtown Truckee over Christmas. However, when I wrote her, she wrote back saying she wanted to rent to someone for more then just two nights Understandable! So I was hoping in my heart that we would still get it. I LOVE truckee. My former youth pastor's family owns a beautiful cabin right on Donner Lake, and we had many retreats there. I fell in love with the little town. Donner lake, hiking up to the abandoned railroad tunnels, the historic downtown strip complete with an old fashioned ice cream shop, the tiny little theater that's kind of reminiscent of the old Lodi "Sunset" theater. I experienced my first snowfall there. It's lovely.

So tonight, I checked my email. To be honest, sort of drededly. Family drama has spilled into my inbox as of recent, so I never know what I'm going to find! Lo and behold, an email from the condo owner saying she couldn't rent it out, and asked if we are still interested! Um, YES! She asked me to call her-- but it's too late tonight. God willing though, we will be out of here for Christmas! Well, actually even if this fell through, we would be out of here-- staying with friends, or at a hotel. Oh, and I almost forgot the best part, we get to bring Scoutie! I know it seems silly, but he's a member of our family. Plus, I know he'll love the snow!

Joy has welled up in my soul, and I can go to bed tonight not stressed about the holidays, but blessed because our prayers were answered! I can;t even describe in words how great I feel right now! :-)

Ten Guilty Pleasures

Isn't this the coolest bathtub ever? I want it! :-)



Alright, so I've been posting a lot of "heavy" blogs. I want to lighten it up a bit!

10. Being alone. It doesn't happen very often, but I may or may not occasionally encourage people out of the house for a few minutes of "me" time. I'm most productive when I'm alone. Sometimes I crank up the music and do housework, lay on the couch and watch whatever I want on TV, or catch up on work-- silently.




9. Reality TV. Yes, I am a fan of reality TV. Especially those super cheesy TLC ones. Little people on crack, and people that have 100 kids. Let's not forget "half-ton virgin", and "I didn't know I was pregnant". Amazing! I get super into it too. It has even rubbed off on Matt... :-)



8. Crafts. I am a crafty girl. I've been known to frequent the Martha Stewart website, and am secretly jealous of her mad crafty skills. I get together with some older women once a month and do beading, and make cards. Soon I'll be off to the bingo hall with them every Friday night... ha ha!





7. Blogging/writing. I've just started getting back into this blog, but I sometimes come and blog, and just don't post them. I've been quite honest here, but I do have some things I keep private. I still like to write it out though. I also love the do freelance writing projects. I've been published a few times, and I actually have a big article coming up that I'm excited about. Writing is so freeing!





6. The Internet. Love it. Hate it. I love information, and having that information at my fingertips day and night is like crack for me. But what a time-suck! Seriously! I'm learning to never google any medical symptom, because it will tell you you're dying, and whomever invented Facebook, and all these stupid facebook games that suck me in, well they should be locked away... ;-)





5. Long baths. I'm a stress case. We have a lot of craziness around us. My favorite way to unwind is a long hot bath. Even better if it's in a dark bathroom, with a deep bathtub, and an unlimited supply of hot water! Not so good is when you try this very tired, and you wake up in a bath of cold water two hours later... true story! I still think about the huge jacuzzi spa at the Jackson Casino hotel. We went and saw Michael Bolton in concert there (the trip was free... we're not Michael Bolton fans...lol). The tub was in the room, and huge. with jets, and the water came out HOT! Ahhh. Heaven!





4. Chinese Food. I crave Chinese food daily. Chop Chop in Lodi being the most craved! I don't often give in, but sometimes I crave it so badly that I can't help it! I don't really crave anything else. I think Matt secretly hopes that when we have kids, I'll have pregnancy cravings that will suit his tastes better then Chinese food does. For now though, he tolerates it-- because he loves me! :-)





3. Stormy weather. I love me a good storm. I pray for rain, and nothing excites me more then a "winter storm warning". If the power goes off, and thunder shakes the whole house, it's even better! Last week when it snowed (as light, and fleeting as it was) it was like Christmas came early for me. Of course, I do realize that snow is a novelty for me because I've never lived in it. The longest time I've ever spent in the snow was a long weekend, and I remember being tired of it by the end. Looking outside right now, watching the rain come down makes my heart smile!



2. Baking. It's my anti-drug. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but there is something incredibly satisfying about baking goodies. It's made for a happy husband too. He loves sweets. I even get goodie requests from his co-workers, which I am happy to fill. Now if I had a dish washing staff, I'd probably bake every single day!



1. Video games. I really should've titled this blog "how I waste my time". When I was young I has bad issues with hand-eye coordination. Well, my aunt and uncle got me a Nintendo for Christmas, and that was the end of that. Now I have mad skills that would put a 14 year old boy to shame...lol! Matt and I each got a Nintendo DS, and we lay in bed at night and play. I'm not the only girl I know that likes them! Jenny Hardy. She's insanely good, and really competitive. She's the only girl I know that likes video games as much, and more-so than I do. BTW, Jenny, they're coming out with Zelda for Wii! I'm sure you can't contain your excitement! :-)

Cutting it off.

"If your hand or your foot gets in the way of God, chop it off and throw it away. You're better off maimed or lame and alive than the proud owners of two hands and two feet, godless in a furnace of eternal fire. And if your eye distracts you from God, pull it out and throw it away. You're better off one-eyed and alive than exercising your twenty-twenty vision from inside the fire of hell."

Oh the harsh, but true words of the bible. Well, The Message in this case. There have been some things in my life that have kept me away from God. Mostly these have come in relationships that I resent. Relationships that end up bringing out the worst in me, rather then the best. While I want to forgive them for their issues, just like I'd want to be forgiven for mine, I also know that if the relationship isn't healthy, it's best to just "cut it off" then to let it sit there, and fester over and over, and start spreading to other parts. To allow them to make me bitter, allow them to hurt me, let them make me angry. It's hard for me to do. I always want things to work out, but I also want to know when to call a loss a loss. I don't want to keep forcing something that isn't there, and I have no desire to try to get someone to like me if they don't. I'm frustrated with the things around me, but I'm generally happy.

I'm growing in the area of not having to kill myself trying to please other people. Of course, that fact has caused me to lose friends because I used to be a "yes girl". Anytime anyone wanted anything from me, I'd say yes. Or when people acted badly towards me, I would just take it. Once I started standing up for myself, and saying "no", or "that won't work", or "that's unreasonable", it was sometimes met with anger, and sometimes met with complete understanding. It has been so freeing for me. I no longer feel obligated to do what I can't do, and it has given me the time to invest in the important things in my life. The relationships that have ended have been unhealthy ones. Ones that were hurting me, ones where I allowed the person to bully me. And my treasured friendships, and relationships got stronger. I wish I had learned the lesson years ago, but I'm happy I'm learning it now. It's still hard, and I still hope that some of those relationship with me (healthfully) restored in time. But for now, I feel better.

Addicted...

Someone help me! I am so addicted to Starbucks! Oh comfort food, how I adore thee! Tonight I hung out with Lexie, and Tessa and walked around Target drinking this- The Caramel Brulee Latte. Heavenly! No, I still cannot justify spending $4 on a cup of coffee, but $4 for a little slice of heaven seems reasonable enough! ;-) It's a good thing! Plus, after taking two 3-hour naps today (still recovering from a respiratory infection), I was feeling a little groggy, and needed a pick-me-up! Some women like shoes, some jewelry, some purses, but I'm a coffee girl!

Grout.

I spent the day with my good friend Sarah today. She and her husband just got a new house, so we were grouting her new tile floor. I love Sarah! She brings perspective to my life! She and I are so much alike, yet so different at the same time. We come from two different church experiences, but both had somewhat similar upbringings. So we understand each-other. It's always nice to have someone to bounce your thoughts off of! Most of our conversations have to do with family, or Christianity, and just life issues. Of course they start out serious, and then one of us says something sarcastic, and has the other one rolling on the floor. It's good stuff. Heck, sometimes if you can't laugh about something, then you have to face how crazy it really is.

Anyway, today we talked over tile and starbucks. We're both going through serious family crap, so it was nice to bounce off of one another a bit. A lot of my friends have really great families, so they kind of don't understand how stressful it can be to have daily family problems. The helplessness of being in the middle, or being the bad guy who has to say something because it's the right thing. Having everyone hate you because you don't tell them what they want to hear. Being the scapegoat when people don't want to be responsible for themselves. As much as I don't wish that upon anyone, it has been nice to have a friend that is in the same boat. At least I don't feel so alone.

It's no secret that I've been really angry the last almost week because of our family stuff. It's no secret that I've been angry for YEARS because of our family stuff. I think Matt and I have just decided that things are never going to change, and that this is what we can expect from now on. That's actually sort of healing in it's own messed up way. It's sad, but why keep trying to make things better if other people want to dwell in their dysfunctional garbage, and will sabotage your efforts to have a good, strong, healthy relationships.

Sarah Reminded me of something tonight that I think applies to this. In Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell talks about how "It's possible for the cross to have done something for a person but not in them". So while it gives them salvation, there is no real growth, and the same things they dealt with before knowing Christ, are the same things they continue to dwell in because they haven't let the Cross work in them. Instead their lives are filled with justification for their actions, and not repentance, however wrong they are. So there is no change in actual behavior. As sad as it is, at least we can feel okay about not trying as hard to make things better.

It makes me examine my own heart. I hope that if my relationship with Christ was gone, my life would look completely different. At least it would mean that I'm not the same person with or without Him.