Canvas

I've needed a change. Sure, changing the look of my blog is a small step, but a step nonetheless, right? Ah. I love blues and whites right now. Refreshing. The black was starting to look like the core of my lackluster wardrobe. However, that is an entirely different blog for another day!

I've had a lot to think about as of recent. Making plans, and decisions. Dreaming about future days. I'm a planner by nature. I feel like I can go with the flow when needed, but to be truly comfortable, I need some sort of plan. Even if the plan is to be lazy, or sometimes to not have a plan, at least that is the plan, ya know? Ok, maybe you don't. It's just who I am. Of course I feel like my control-freakishness need to plan is an area of my life that God has found it necessary to challenge. I'm well aware of this fact. I'm reminded every day that my life, and my plans are not my own. And every single day I fight it. It's no secret that my life is sometimes a real challenge. I'm learning that I can't change that. Not that there aren't areas I can change, but for the most part, this is the canvas I've been given for my life. All I can do is paint the picture of my life to the best of my ability on that canvas. Even if I mourn not having the canvas I want, or sometimes am insanely jealous of the canvas other people have. Deny it or embrace it, well, that is my choice.

I'm making some changes. Good changes. Healthy changes. Needed changes. It's been a slow start, but I believe in my heart that I can, and will do it. I will get to a place where I can accept and move on. I may not be able to change the way things are, but I know I can change how I deal with it. Every day is a new day-- a chance to start fresh--the chance to be different. I don't know why things are the way they are. I just hope my life starts to better reflect the hope I've been given.

With my life you have been so kind...

It happened. Not only did it happen, but it made me sort of laugh. I heard my first "Sarah walked away from God" rumor. Huh. Of course, it was from someone that doesn't even really know me-- which is to be expected. It's been almost 5 months since I've been to church-- not counting Easter with my sis-in-law. It's been a tough road, but I don't think I would trade it for anything. While I have questioned God very very much in those months, I haven't done it out of anger towards God ( though I'd be lying if I said bitterness was never part of our conversation) but of wanting to know why this had to happen, and what I need to be learning about God, church and myself. I feel like I've learned a lot. Funny how you can allow trials to seperate you from Him, or you can allow yourself to depend on Him to get through. I'm learning that when I "lean on my own understanding" I make stupid choices. I need help. I need wisdom.

I am thirsty. Probably more thirsty then I've ever been. But goodness, I have learned that I depended on going to church to satisfy that. I checked God off my list of things to do for the week, and went on with my merry, happy Christian life. I have a new found love and respect for Jesus. I'm in control of my relationship with Him-- if I don't make time to spend learning, praying, and sometimes just being quiet, I no
longer get false satisfaction of having gone to Church and paid my dues. It's on me. If my relationship with God is bad, it's completely my issue. Not that it ever wasn't my issue!

Now, I'm not bashing going to Church. In fact, I'm one part hesitent to fine a new church, and ten parts excited. But I really believe that I needed this. I needed to be on the outside looking in. I needed to be on my own a bit. Half to get over what I've been through (even though I'm still fighting through bitterness) and half to reaffirm my faith. In fact, even this misplaced comment has served me in a good way. I'm not trying to bash my accuser, but how narrow-minded to assume that someone has "fallen from grace" because they aren't going to church. I know I've been on the flip-side of that coin and judged others for leaving. How narrow-minded of ME. The reason it made me laugh is because I know all to well how it can be on the inside. Being on the outside is tough. Even though it's only the outside with Church. I will never look at "outsiders" the same way again.

He has been so kind to me. In my bitterness, my discontentment, my sometimes intense frustration over the whole thing. I don't deserve so much grace. But in the words of my good friends Relient K "I'm never falling out of favor with Him". And in the words of matts moms friend-- Kathy Hubbard "girl, you better own that!" I do! I own that! :-) not to mention the immense support he's provided me with. I'm so so so so
blessed!

P.S-- I wrote this entire post laying in bed on my iPhone! So forgive me if there are some crazy typos! Auto-correct can be a tricky thing! ;-)

More then life?

Easter was different this year. Matt had to work, so I hung out with his family, and spent most of my day in tears. I just don't fit in with them. I was fortunate enough to have a lovely extended family that just said no to drama-- especially during the holidays. My mom, dad, and sister didn't follow the "no drama" policy, but I spent each and every holiday with extended family. Thankfully. Because of that, I guess maybe my expectations are too high. I know the problem is me. Most holidays with Matt's family I throw myself into the "work" part. Cooking, cleaning, setting everything up. It's easier for me that way. But then I got accused of being competitive, or attention seeking, so I just don't do it anymore. It was just the only way to stay out of any drama, battles of wit, unfriendly debating, or whatever craziness is going on. I tried for a long time to fit in, but the only person I fit in with is Matt. This is his family dynamic. I have to keep reminding myself that this is how they work- except for Matt- which is why I was completely alone in a house full of people. I just need to remember this for next time. I have to make other plans.

Later in the day yesterday, Matt came over on his lunch break. I was relieved to see him, but I knew it would be short lived. I had a little emotional breakdown, and in response he told me to go hang out with his sister- who was also husbandless for Easter. I ended up going to an evening church service with her. At the beginning, I was just asking God to show me what I needed to know. To give me wisdom. As the Pastor prayed, he said "Jesus, we love you more then we love our very lives." That hit me like a ton of bricks. Not because I never heard that before, but I know it's what I was suppose to hear.

I don't love God more then I love my life. I wish I could say I did. I hold on to this life like it's all there is. And to be honest, my life isn't very pretty- at least not right now, and not even for the last few years. Matt and I are surrounded by drama, and insanity. We both have years of craziness that we're trying to heal from. Some personal stuff we're trying to figure out. And while in the mist of that we both feel tremendously blessed by the way God has protected us from a lot, and has given us both the desire to not repeat what we've been through, I know in my heart that complete healing won't come this side of heaven. I just don't know why I hold onto all of this so tightly. Why I fear death so much. Why I'm so afraid to hand my life over and tell God he's in control of it all. He is even if I don't like it. Maybe once I finally relinquish control is when things will really start to change. I'm starting to think that the only thing that holding on is doing, is keeping me from experiencing the life I could have, that life HE wants me to have.