A very Hardy birthday.

I love my Jenny! No, really, LOVE her! She has been one of my best friends for years. The friend I can *always* be honest with. She's beautiful. Probably has the best personality, and best sense of humor of anyone I've ever known. Seriously. We spent the day together today, celebrating her birthday over Butcher Shoppe sandwiches, and Safeway cupcakes. Delish! We also hit the Galt flea market, and bought more $1 jewelry then we knew existed, and proceeded to wear every piece. Went to Lodi Lake so Jenny could do some practice photography, then headed back to her house for a little birthday party. It was lovely.

I'm blessed to have Jenny in my life! I loved celebrating her day with her! :-)

Confirmed.

I don't always know the best way to process things, but I try to just take things as they come. Going away with Matt helped so much. I can't explain the peaceful feeling in my heart. Before we left, I felt unshakable anxiousness. In fact, I had a horrible panic attack in the middle of Target, so badly that the cashier was really worried about me. My hands were shaking so badly that I could hardly pay for my items. Not good.

Matt and I were able to talk about the way I've been feeling. He's been feeling similar. I feel like God has really confirmed in my heart things that I thought to be true, and now I'm realizing they are indeed true. That's tough! While I know that we shouldn't give up hope, I've really felt God tell me that things aren't going to change soon. We want our families to be healthy and functional more then anything, but we know that their health and functionality is up to them. Not that God can't do a good work. Not that it means that things will never get better, but that we can't do anything about it, and that in some respects, being around it only makes us unhealthy.

While we were gone, I was so relaxed. A feeling I haven't felt in so long. The situation I've been in has been a no-win for me. No matter what I do, someone is upset with me. But while we were away, I just got to be myself. No pressure, no feeling bad because of someone else's issues, no being taken advantage of, no getting in trouble for doing what was asked of me. Just rest. I don't think I can ever go back to how it has been, seeing what it can be. It's caused Matt and I to take a hard look at things. We thought we were helping, but we're just hurting ourselves. We know we need to create some serious distance. It's coming. We've sacrificed so much just to get drama in return. No more. I think we both realize we have to take personal responsibility for our emotional health, just like we expect our family members to take responsibility for theirs. It's hard, but that realization brings us some serious relief! We have conformation of our next step, something we haven't always had. Things are going to be changing. I say "bring it on!".

Mission accomplished!

Our Christmas was beautiful! Matt and I left the afternoon of Christmas eve, and headed to chilly Truckee, CA for some rest, relaxation, and reflection. We needed to get away so badly, and God seriously paved the way! Every single detail worked out flawlessly! We rented a nice condo that overlooked downtown Truckee. Their downtown area is so classy. The streets are lined with trees, adorned with christmas lights, and real icicles. Of course, when we walked the downtown strip on Christmas Eve night, I forgot my camera. Bummer. The picture above was taken from our bedroom balcony early Christmas morning!

Of course, the weather was slightly frigid.

This was the temp in the sun. It was actually only about 4 degrees. We realized exactly how cold it was when Matt pulled out a gallon of water we put in the car, and it was frozen solid!

Christmas morning, Matt and I got up, opened presents, and then went back to bed, sleeping until the early afternoon. I can't explain what a contrast this is from a "normal" Christmas day for us. There was no pressure, no worrying about other peoples drama, no running around like mad. It was wonderful.

Us enjoying the snowy weather!

Scout enjoyed it too! He officially loves the snow!

I couldn't comprehend the idea of Christmas without a Christmas tree, so I purchased a small artificial one before our trip. We also brought our stockings. The fireplace was beautiful, even more so adorned with our Christmas things!

I guess someone told Santa I was bad this year,

because this is what I found in my stocking!

We had such a great time! We're already planning a trip for Christmas 2010! Destination Christmases are my new favorite thing!

When my world is shaking, heaven stands.

Life is so temporary. The trials, and the hardships, and the pain. Just a bleep on the radar screen. This song has been my anthem the last few days. I feel like my heart has written these words a million times over. I just need to have faith that He will indeed "set all things right" in His time. I know that he will, but I lose sight of that so often. Of course, now the task is figuring out what the right thing is in the meantime. But I'm just going to trust that He's going to answer me in time.

God has provided us some good friends in recent days. I feel like they are the 40 year old Matt and Sarah. :-) They have similar family issues, and have the same kind of views Matt and I do, except older and more experienced. It might help that one of them is a phycologist! They encourage Matt and I so much! They've validated us, they've given us great advice, they've just been there for us through all of this craziness. I had kind of a yucky day, and when they found out, they insisted that I come over and hang out and talk to them. Of course, they made me feel so much better. It was exactly what I needed. So no, God hasn't taken away the dysfunction, but he has provided help for us. He always does. The problem is we don't credit Him with it when we should.

Prisencolinensinainciusol!

This is so amazing! Basically the story goes that this Italian singer/songwriter wrote this song to sound like English, using English phonetics. In reality, it's all gibberish! So I guess now I know how hard it might be to learn English! Insanity! I may or may not have listened to this 5 times today... ;-)

White Christmas!!

Matt and I have been talking for the last two weeks about going out of town for Christmas. We really need a vacation, and with the amount of family drama going on, we really needed out! We debated between going to a beachy place, or the snow. I've always dreamed of a white Christmas, and Matt thought it would be fun to be in "snow country" too! We started shopping for cabin rentals, and developed a major case of sticker shock! I knew we'd pay, but I had no idea how much we would pay. We got a quote of over $2,000 for two days in a small tahoe cabin...ouch! Most of them were more like $400 per night with a 5 night minimum, which we couldn't do either. I was crushed! So much so that I actually cried!

We were holding onto a glimmer of hope though. I had emailed one person that had a condo she was willing to rent for $100 per night in downtown Truckee over Christmas. However, when I wrote her, she wrote back saying she wanted to rent to someone for more then just two nights Understandable! So I was hoping in my heart that we would still get it. I LOVE truckee. My former youth pastor's family owns a beautiful cabin right on Donner Lake, and we had many retreats there. I fell in love with the little town. Donner lake, hiking up to the abandoned railroad tunnels, the historic downtown strip complete with an old fashioned ice cream shop, the tiny little theater that's kind of reminiscent of the old Lodi "Sunset" theater. I experienced my first snowfall there. It's lovely.

So tonight, I checked my email. To be honest, sort of drededly. Family drama has spilled into my inbox as of recent, so I never know what I'm going to find! Lo and behold, an email from the condo owner saying she couldn't rent it out, and asked if we are still interested! Um, YES! She asked me to call her-- but it's too late tonight. God willing though, we will be out of here for Christmas! Well, actually even if this fell through, we would be out of here-- staying with friends, or at a hotel. Oh, and I almost forgot the best part, we get to bring Scoutie! I know it seems silly, but he's a member of our family. Plus, I know he'll love the snow!

Joy has welled up in my soul, and I can go to bed tonight not stressed about the holidays, but blessed because our prayers were answered! I can;t even describe in words how great I feel right now! :-)

Ten Guilty Pleasures

Isn't this the coolest bathtub ever? I want it! :-)



Alright, so I've been posting a lot of "heavy" blogs. I want to lighten it up a bit!

10. Being alone. It doesn't happen very often, but I may or may not occasionally encourage people out of the house for a few minutes of "me" time. I'm most productive when I'm alone. Sometimes I crank up the music and do housework, lay on the couch and watch whatever I want on TV, or catch up on work-- silently.




9. Reality TV. Yes, I am a fan of reality TV. Especially those super cheesy TLC ones. Little people on crack, and people that have 100 kids. Let's not forget "half-ton virgin", and "I didn't know I was pregnant". Amazing! I get super into it too. It has even rubbed off on Matt... :-)



8. Crafts. I am a crafty girl. I've been known to frequent the Martha Stewart website, and am secretly jealous of her mad crafty skills. I get together with some older women once a month and do beading, and make cards. Soon I'll be off to the bingo hall with them every Friday night... ha ha!





7. Blogging/writing. I've just started getting back into this blog, but I sometimes come and blog, and just don't post them. I've been quite honest here, but I do have some things I keep private. I still like to write it out though. I also love the do freelance writing projects. I've been published a few times, and I actually have a big article coming up that I'm excited about. Writing is so freeing!





6. The Internet. Love it. Hate it. I love information, and having that information at my fingertips day and night is like crack for me. But what a time-suck! Seriously! I'm learning to never google any medical symptom, because it will tell you you're dying, and whomever invented Facebook, and all these stupid facebook games that suck me in, well they should be locked away... ;-)





5. Long baths. I'm a stress case. We have a lot of craziness around us. My favorite way to unwind is a long hot bath. Even better if it's in a dark bathroom, with a deep bathtub, and an unlimited supply of hot water! Not so good is when you try this very tired, and you wake up in a bath of cold water two hours later... true story! I still think about the huge jacuzzi spa at the Jackson Casino hotel. We went and saw Michael Bolton in concert there (the trip was free... we're not Michael Bolton fans...lol). The tub was in the room, and huge. with jets, and the water came out HOT! Ahhh. Heaven!





4. Chinese Food. I crave Chinese food daily. Chop Chop in Lodi being the most craved! I don't often give in, but sometimes I crave it so badly that I can't help it! I don't really crave anything else. I think Matt secretly hopes that when we have kids, I'll have pregnancy cravings that will suit his tastes better then Chinese food does. For now though, he tolerates it-- because he loves me! :-)





3. Stormy weather. I love me a good storm. I pray for rain, and nothing excites me more then a "winter storm warning". If the power goes off, and thunder shakes the whole house, it's even better! Last week when it snowed (as light, and fleeting as it was) it was like Christmas came early for me. Of course, I do realize that snow is a novelty for me because I've never lived in it. The longest time I've ever spent in the snow was a long weekend, and I remember being tired of it by the end. Looking outside right now, watching the rain come down makes my heart smile!



2. Baking. It's my anti-drug. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but there is something incredibly satisfying about baking goodies. It's made for a happy husband too. He loves sweets. I even get goodie requests from his co-workers, which I am happy to fill. Now if I had a dish washing staff, I'd probably bake every single day!



1. Video games. I really should've titled this blog "how I waste my time". When I was young I has bad issues with hand-eye coordination. Well, my aunt and uncle got me a Nintendo for Christmas, and that was the end of that. Now I have mad skills that would put a 14 year old boy to shame...lol! Matt and I each got a Nintendo DS, and we lay in bed at night and play. I'm not the only girl I know that likes them! Jenny Hardy. She's insanely good, and really competitive. She's the only girl I know that likes video games as much, and more-so than I do. BTW, Jenny, they're coming out with Zelda for Wii! I'm sure you can't contain your excitement! :-)

Cutting it off.

"If your hand or your foot gets in the way of God, chop it off and throw it away. You're better off maimed or lame and alive than the proud owners of two hands and two feet, godless in a furnace of eternal fire. And if your eye distracts you from God, pull it out and throw it away. You're better off one-eyed and alive than exercising your twenty-twenty vision from inside the fire of hell."

Oh the harsh, but true words of the bible. Well, The Message in this case. There have been some things in my life that have kept me away from God. Mostly these have come in relationships that I resent. Relationships that end up bringing out the worst in me, rather then the best. While I want to forgive them for their issues, just like I'd want to be forgiven for mine, I also know that if the relationship isn't healthy, it's best to just "cut it off" then to let it sit there, and fester over and over, and start spreading to other parts. To allow them to make me bitter, allow them to hurt me, let them make me angry. It's hard for me to do. I always want things to work out, but I also want to know when to call a loss a loss. I don't want to keep forcing something that isn't there, and I have no desire to try to get someone to like me if they don't. I'm frustrated with the things around me, but I'm generally happy.

I'm growing in the area of not having to kill myself trying to please other people. Of course, that fact has caused me to lose friends because I used to be a "yes girl". Anytime anyone wanted anything from me, I'd say yes. Or when people acted badly towards me, I would just take it. Once I started standing up for myself, and saying "no", or "that won't work", or "that's unreasonable", it was sometimes met with anger, and sometimes met with complete understanding. It has been so freeing for me. I no longer feel obligated to do what I can't do, and it has given me the time to invest in the important things in my life. The relationships that have ended have been unhealthy ones. Ones that were hurting me, ones where I allowed the person to bully me. And my treasured friendships, and relationships got stronger. I wish I had learned the lesson years ago, but I'm happy I'm learning it now. It's still hard, and I still hope that some of those relationship with me (healthfully) restored in time. But for now, I feel better.

Addicted...

Someone help me! I am so addicted to Starbucks! Oh comfort food, how I adore thee! Tonight I hung out with Lexie, and Tessa and walked around Target drinking this- The Caramel Brulee Latte. Heavenly! No, I still cannot justify spending $4 on a cup of coffee, but $4 for a little slice of heaven seems reasonable enough! ;-) It's a good thing! Plus, after taking two 3-hour naps today (still recovering from a respiratory infection), I was feeling a little groggy, and needed a pick-me-up! Some women like shoes, some jewelry, some purses, but I'm a coffee girl!

Grout.

I spent the day with my good friend Sarah today. She and her husband just got a new house, so we were grouting her new tile floor. I love Sarah! She brings perspective to my life! She and I are so much alike, yet so different at the same time. We come from two different church experiences, but both had somewhat similar upbringings. So we understand each-other. It's always nice to have someone to bounce your thoughts off of! Most of our conversations have to do with family, or Christianity, and just life issues. Of course they start out serious, and then one of us says something sarcastic, and has the other one rolling on the floor. It's good stuff. Heck, sometimes if you can't laugh about something, then you have to face how crazy it really is.

Anyway, today we talked over tile and starbucks. We're both going through serious family crap, so it was nice to bounce off of one another a bit. A lot of my friends have really great families, so they kind of don't understand how stressful it can be to have daily family problems. The helplessness of being in the middle, or being the bad guy who has to say something because it's the right thing. Having everyone hate you because you don't tell them what they want to hear. Being the scapegoat when people don't want to be responsible for themselves. As much as I don't wish that upon anyone, it has been nice to have a friend that is in the same boat. At least I don't feel so alone.

It's no secret that I've been really angry the last almost week because of our family stuff. It's no secret that I've been angry for YEARS because of our family stuff. I think Matt and I have just decided that things are never going to change, and that this is what we can expect from now on. That's actually sort of healing in it's own messed up way. It's sad, but why keep trying to make things better if other people want to dwell in their dysfunctional garbage, and will sabotage your efforts to have a good, strong, healthy relationships.

Sarah Reminded me of something tonight that I think applies to this. In Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell talks about how "It's possible for the cross to have done something for a person but not in them". So while it gives them salvation, there is no real growth, and the same things they dealt with before knowing Christ, are the same things they continue to dwell in because they haven't let the Cross work in them. Instead their lives are filled with justification for their actions, and not repentance, however wrong they are. So there is no change in actual behavior. As sad as it is, at least we can feel okay about not trying as hard to make things better.

It makes me examine my own heart. I hope that if my relationship with Christ was gone, my life would look completely different. At least it would mean that I'm not the same person with or without Him.

Amazing!

This is slightly impressive!
;-)

Better...

I feel better today. I just have to remind myself daily that some people aren't worth my time, or energy. I can't say I'm not angry, because I am. Sadly, some people are just selfish, and it doesn't matter how much you give if all they're willing to do is take, and then twist what you give into something it's not. I know who I am, and what my intentions are, and I'm not going to let one sadly mistaken person bring me down again. I do things I do out of love. Not because I'm trying to prove something, not because I'm trying to compete, not because I'm trying to be prideful. I like to serve people. It brings me joy to be able to do something for someone else. It's sad that someone can use that against you. It's especially sad that it could come from another Christian. I'll never understand how this person can say mean, hurtful things to my face and not expect me to internalize them, yet he can take my actions that have nothing at all to do with him, and internalize them. But whatever, I can't understand what doesn't make any sense.

I think Christmas is going to be nice. We're going to spend all of it with my family, which we've haven't done in a long time. It will be nice to avoid the Christmas runaround, and just stay in one place for the whole day. Plus, there is no drama at my aunt and uncles, in fact, it's totally nice to be there. People are considerate of one another, and are happy to be together. I'm really looking forward to it!

We put up the tree last night. It's beautiful! Putting the tree up is one of my favorite Christmas things to do. We went out to get the tree, and it was pouring rain! That didn't stop us! We were determined. We got it home, drank hot cocoa (complete with mini marshmallows) while decorating, and then watched Elf. It was everything I wanted! I'm thankful that things went well, and that despite everything that has been happening, we were able to have a good time.

Unfair.

I was accused of being unfair tonight. It doesn't matter that the person that told me that has said horrible things to me, and about me. Has made me question myself, my motives, my intentions, my heart. Has turned other people against me because of his own crap. SO basically, I'm unfair because after years of being hurt by him, I got angry enough to say something. And then when he said that my husband only agreed with me because he's married to me, I flipped a bit. Sure, I shouldn't have sinned in my anger, but I'm pretty sure that provoking someone to anger isn't good either. Thank God that 1. I have a husband who would tell me if he thought I was being unreasonable, so I know that statement is untrue. 2. That I have a husband that understands me, and knows that if I'm making a stink about something, then it's valid. 3. That I have a husband that listens to me, and loves me enough to stand up for me when I'm right, and not let anyone push me around.

I just don't get it when people want to say what they want to say, but they refuse to own it, or they expect you to somehow decipher this gibberish talk into something with substance. Then they say things in honesty, but want you to figure out what situations to apply it to. High expectations much? How is it that someone can say tons of hurtful things to you, and then tell you that it's your fault for taking it personally? This blatant attempt to try to wiggle out of the effect of the words they say is astounding. I'm the bad guy for taking what someone said, and being hurt by it, but the person who said it doesn't have to take responsibility. That is what's really "unfair". I was punished because of things this person thought about me, even though the thoughts were nothing more then a byproduct of their own insecurities, mixed with some distorted thinking. I was bashed, blamed for everything, and all for no good reason. Everyone swept it under the rug, and pretended it never happened, but I was left to pick up the broken pieces. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of that whole mess. But of course, no one is willing to say that they were wrong. They just pretend like it never happened. I think that's what hurts the most-- this idea that they don't care about the hell I was put through-- that Matt was put through over me doing NOTHING (no really, nothing. Like my very existence is enough to bring up hate) . Wait, that sounds a little "unfair"!

So apparently now I stole his family from him. Nice. Because that's just the kind of person I am-- a "home-wrecker". Once again I am the scapegoat. Because it's way easier to blame someone else for the state of your family situation, then to actually see it for what it is. Like everything was perfect, and jolly before I came around? So when they say "nice guys finish last", they're right. Where did all of this come from? Me being "Nice" and "helpful". I was nice to someone, and they liked me. So now, I'm being punished for that. Heck, I've been punished for that for years. Of course, I can't control this person choosing to not be a part of his family. Of course, now the problem is Matt, but what about the other people this person doesn't make any effort with? Like nieces, nephews, cousins, and siblings? I'm sure that our decision to be a part of their lives is just a ploy to take the whole family over one by one and get them to like us more. Muhahahahaha! My plan is working... Because it couldn't be for any other reason, right? RIGHT??

So a quick recap-- I was called unfair for being upset that someone treats me badly, blames me for things I didn't do, and says awful things to, and about me, who almost ruined my relationship with Matt, and says it's all my fault for taking what he says personally, and for being nice because now people like me more then him. If this is what being "liked" more feels like, I would hate to be "disliked" because this is quite hellish. I just wish I could be myself without someone deciding what my intentions are for me. I have my own family. Family members that love and care about me, that would gladly have Matt and I over for Thanksgiving-- sans drama, or leaving people out. That would never take me being helpful and being a threat, but instead see it as me just being me. Heck, I have friends that don't think the worst of me, and know that I'm not this monster, and aren't grasping for straws looking for someone to blame for their own issues. So I guess this is that last time I'm spending a holiday with someone that refuses to see beyond their own warped thinking. Sad, really.

Traditional.

My favorite time of year is here! Cool weather, leaves changing and falling, rain, and of course, the holidays. I already feel this anxiousness, and anticipation about Thanksgiving and Christmas! Some of my fondest memories are waking up Christmas morning, and having breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle, Grandmother, and cousins. Going around the room, and opening gifts one by one. The whole family would come over, and we'd spend the whole day together. Nowadays, it's not quite the same. A lot of stuff has happened in my family, and so there is only a small group of us that get together. It's still nice. Not quite the same, but still nice. I wish my whole family would still get together, but I still enjoy the time with my aunt (she is incredible, and is good at making things special) uncle, cousins, and of course, the hub. Matt's family is going though a lot of changes too, so things are a tad bit awkward, but we try to spend equal time with everyone.

Matt and I have some of our own Christmas traditions. We get our Christmas tree the day after thanksgiving, exchange a new ornament every year , name our tree (we're super dorky), we decorate it while listening to Christmas music, and drinking hot cocoa. We light it when we're all finished, and just sit and look at it for what seems like hours. There is just something that feels magical having a giant tree twinkling in all it's glory in your living room. Then we watch a Christmas movie (Last year it was elf-- and I'm guessing it will be the same this year because we love it). Christmas eve we exchange Pajamas, and then open our gifts and stockings early Christmas morning. Christmas eve and day are crazy because we try to spilt our time so we can see both of our families. So we spend the moments we have alone cherishing the time, and remembering the reason we celebrate to begin with.

I'm always interested in the special little traditions other people have to make the season more special. Feel free to share-- as long as you're ok with someone else "adopting" some of your ideas! :-)

Long time coming...

I haven't forgotten about blogging. In fact, I've sat here and typed a million times, and then never published one. Most of the times words are easy for me, but they've become harder for me in more recent days.

I can't describe how much I love our little family. My husband and my dog. My most peaceful moments are laying in bed, talking to Matt, with our sweet dog laying at our feet (or on occasion, right in-between us). We're constantly in dysfunctional situations with family, so it feels so good to be just us. To have a moment to breathe, and reflect and dream with my husband. We're still looking for a house, which I'm hoping we'll find sooner rather then later. I'm hopeful that there is something out there that is perfect for us.

Matt is still plugging along in school. I'm proud of him! School doesn't come easy for him, but he is pushing through, studying hard, staying late to ask questions, and passing his classes with flying colors. Not to mention, he's working full time on top of that, and still makes it a point to make time for me.

I'm doing freelance work-- which is slow right now. I'm looking for another job, even considering going back to subbing. I don't think I'm going to, but if I have to I will. I'm thinking about going back to school to get my teaching credentials. We'll see... I don't want to go back to school.

I haven't been going to church. I know I should, but I can hardly convince myself to go. Sure, part of it is that Matt has to work every Sunday again, and going alone is really hard for me. Lets face it though, I'm not going because I'm uncomfortable. Not "God is getting me out of my comfort zone" uncomfortable, but uncomfortable being there. I feel like I just don't belong anymore. I've lost my enthusiasm, my spark, my wanting to be in ministry. Since the "situation" I just don't feel the way I did. I can't get over the hump. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of pretending that it's ok. It's not. Maybe one day it will be, but right now, it's just not. We are doing a great bible study with some good friends once a week that has been good, so we're not completely back-sliding into hell...lol!

Life is crazy. My life is always crazy! Hopefully one day soon things will calm down, and we can catch our breath a bit. For now, we're just trying to roll with whatever comes our way.

Blogging break...

If you follow my blog, then you know it's been awhile. Not for lack of things to say, but mostly too many things to say, but that are hard to put into words. So without getting into too much, things I've been thinking/learning:

That bad things happen to good people. Sometimes really bad things happen to really good people with no real explanation.

That I didn't know what faith was until some of my greatest fears started staring me in the face. And to be honest, it's still a struggle.

That it's ok to say "Sorry, that doesn't work for me" and saying "Oh well" when they get upset about it is called "maintaining boundaries". It only took me 27 years to learn that lesson.

That you can have 300 "friends" on facebook, and still feel intense loneliness when things get hard.

That something that tries so hard to be "different" often ends up to be just as bad, if not worse then the "original".

That sitting on my bed folding clothes could be the most peaceful time of the day.

That the closer you get to God, the more you realize how messy your life is.

That it's ok to eat a cupcake for breakfast now and then.

The beauty of a good song put on "repeat".

When it's time to call something a loss, and move on.

That I never thought I'd hope to have Swine Flu until I had the flu, and realized it wasn't too bad.

How much I had missed getting a good night of sleep.

That one question could dredge up so much pain.

That you can listen to your mp3 player during church worship, and no one will even notice if you wear your hair down. In my defense I was listening to worship music, and was trying to keep myself focused, and not distracted by some resentfulness that keeps rearing it's ugly head.

That I'm a Starbucks addict. Maybe I already knew that.

That sorry Michael W. Smith, friends aren't always "friends forever" just because "the Lords the Lord of them", But I wish it was true.

So anyway, that has been my last few months. It's been a rough road, and I'm not sure when it's going to get better. My future months are going to be filled with vacations, school, work, genetic testing (fun stuff), weddings, and hopefully a Christmas away from home! So some things I'm looking forward to, some answers to important questions, and some things I'm dreading, but all is life. I'm being constantly reminded how good I have it compared to some, and that God really is in control of all things.

If it makes you happy...

Oh how these things have made me happy today!

A very happy dog enjoying the warm sunshine.

A plethora of flip-flops that were not able to sway a purchase out of me.

A pretty garden flower.

A garden tomato ripening on the vine.... yum!

A pot of VERY thirsty basil!

An almost empty laundry basket

My 3rd (!!) jar of sun tea this week!

Thoughts...

My mind is always running. I can't seem to get it to stop. Sometimes it's good because I can think things through, and figure things out rather easily before the stress factor ensures. It's also a huge pain because too much thinking often times leads to too little sleep, and leaves me feeling frustrated about things I can't change. Hence blogging at 1am. I'm tired, I'm spent and I still can't sleep.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. Periodically, I go through this mental checklist I have to make sure I'm where I need to be in all areas of my life. I check my spiritual life, my physical well being, my mental health, and try to make it a point to be balanced. I also reevaluate relationships, and friendships, and try to work on this issues that I am responsible for. I actually learned about how important it is to do that when I was going through counseling years ago after my dad died. It is a good thing for me. It's really helped me to see things for what they are. However it does tend to make me feel a little bit overwhelmed, especially when it coincides other happenings, like right now, moving.

Recently, my "wonderings", so-to-speak, have been all about who I *really* am. Not what I hope to be, not who I was, but the person I am now--successes, faults and all. I'm learning that I am the worst kind of idealist-- a cynical one. I want so badly for things to be good, and great, and I want rainbows, and unicorns, and world peace. However, my life has never ever been like that. So I scoff at the idea that my life will ever look like that. I've lost having expectation's because it's better not to expect good things, and occasionally get them, then to expect things to be great, and be let down again and again.

Relationships are my weakness. For a long time I had certain expectations for my friends and some of my family members. I figured that if I was a good enough friend, or sister, or daughter, or whatever, that it somehow guaranteed a place in their lives for me. That just isn't the case... at all... I have some really great friends-- friends that are my friends because we like being around each-other and we have things in common, and we can talk about anything, and respect differing opinions. Life can keep us apart for months, but we just pick up where we left off, and there are no hard feelings. Then acquaintances, we only really keep up on facebook, and worked with each other for a year, or went to school together. I actually like keeping up with people, no pressure, so I don't mind the "facebookship" at all. Then I have these pseudo-friendships where we were friends, and then just kind of stopped talking. Not for any real reason, but there is tension, and this feeling that they found better people to hang out with, so you never hear from them, unless they want something, or they're lonely, so you're their "backup". Those are the worst. Sadly, I have a few that are just emotionally draining because I resent them. I think it's time to pull the plug-- it's over!

Needless to say, I have a lot going on right now. Maybe my mind will shut off long enough to get some sleep... maybe!

When life gives you lemons...

You make Kiwi Lemonade!!

This recipe is fantastic, and a good ending to a bad day... like the one I had today! ;-)

Kiwi Lemonade

What you need:

6 kiwi fruits
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup lemon juice
1 liter carbonated water, chilled

What to do

1. Peel kiwi. Puree peeled fruit in blender container. Strain mixture through a fine-mesh wire strainer placed over a bowl. Discard seeds (some may remain).
2.In a large pitcher combine sugar and lemon juice. Stir until sugar is dissolved.
3.Stir in strained kiwi. Cover and chill.
4.Slowly add the chilled carbonated water just before serving. Stir.

5. Garnish with sliced Kiwi and Lemons, and ENJOY!

Community Gardening...

I love gardening! It's a fairly new hobby of mine, but one that I consider to be fun and productive. I started my very first veggie garden last spring, and was delighted when I could actually see the fruits (and veggies) of my labor. It also coincided with my decision to be a vegetarian, so it was nice to have fresh food a small harvest away.

Planting my garden got me thinking about how I could "share the wealth" so to speak. I began taking anything extra from the garden to a local food bank, and got together with a few other gardening friends and took theirs too. I hate the way the poor are treated, and what is available for them to eat is usually garbage--really. I don't want to just cast my leftovers to them. I was convicted that if we're really to view one another as "being better then ourselves" then I wasn't doing a very good job. Trying to eat a clean vegetarian diet has me thinking alot about what I'm going to eat. There are people in our town that have to think about how they are going to eat. That got me thinking, what about starting a community garden specifically for food banks, and shelters?

I've been doing some research, and am learning about securing vacant public properties for non-profit happenings in both Lodi and Stockton. Sadly, no one seems to know much about the concept. I'm not giving up though! I really feel like this could be such a good thing! I have a feeling that there will be a lot of red tape involved, but I am determined! I'm just trying to get some others on board! So please, I know many of you who are on my facebook, and even those that read my blog has experience with non-profit stuff! If you have an idea, or would like to get involved, give me a holler!! I would love some input!

The Giving Tree-- Read by Brennan Manning

This book has always made me cry. This video was no different...

brunch, high school, limpy the dog, and diet update!

Today was great! Normally I dread Father's day, and Mother's day too. Not because I'm anti-parental days, but because I don't have anyone to celebrate them with. My dad died when I was 19, and my mom and I haven't said a word to one another in about 4 years. Considering both days fall on a Sunday, it makes them extra difficult because you get to sit in church with families that look like they have it all together, and talk about the importance of parents. I know that's not always the case, but I'd be lying if I said I'm never envious of those people.

Today, however, I vowed to make it a good day. I went to Church alone-- which I hate, but it's been hard for Matt to get a Sunday off. I did shed a few tears during a Father's day video, but was all good after that. Then I headed to Matt's parent's house. Matt's dad is out of state visiting Matt's oldest brother, so my Mother-in-law had no plans either. So we went to brunch at Maxim's restaurant (formally Mallards) and enjoyed strawberry crepes, and mimosas. It was nice. Then we decided to head to Phillip's Farms and pick some flowers, and buy some lavender. It turned out to be a nice day. Then made Matt dinner, realized I left my Mother-in-law's lights on when I drove her car, and had to jump-start it, and drove it to Lodi to recharge the battery, went to coffee with Lex and Tess, and gave the dog a bath. Good times were had by all!

The other night I had an experience I wish I didn't have. Matt and I ran into some people that I've known for a long time. So I said "hey how are you?"... nothing. No hi, no hey...Nada. I know I can be too sensitive sometimes, so I just shrugged it off. So we ended up running into them again, and I nicely tried to make conversation...NOTHING! It was pretty annoying because these are people I've known for YEARS! So last night I was telling my (awesome) friend Jenny about what happened, and she said something so simply profound "High School never ends" (which of course reminded me of the Bowling for Soup song with the same title). I realized that is exactly what it's like in high school. If you don't belong to the "group" then you get snubbed. I'm ok with not being a part of the group--SERIOUSLY because when you're involved in something that is so exclusive, it's asking for drama. Plus, I would never want to be a part of a community that is ok with rudeness. I just wish the art of common courtesy was still practiced. But instead it's like being 14 again, and not having a Jansport backpack, and having to beg your parents to get you one because otherwise you don't fit in... I'm SO over it!

In other news, Scout the Wonder Dog is limping. It's been going on for a few weeks, and the vet (and my friend Kristen--who is like the dog whisperer) both advised me to just watch it, and see if it would resolve--nothing. Still limping. He's acting normally, and even playing, but you can tell he's sore. So now we think it might be Elbow Dysplasia. Which most likely means surgery. I love my dog, and whatever he needs we'll do. I just hate seeing him in pain. He's such a great dog, and as strange as this sounds, he was a total gift from God. I wanted a dog, but knew we couldn't have one in our tiny apartment. Scout fell into my lap. He was sick, so thin you could see every bone, and abused-- but the sweetest puppy ever! I take him everyone, and consider him my (unofficial) therapy dog. I struggle with major anxiety, and I swear to you, when I'm feeling panicky, he is right there. The other night, I was driving home, and got turned around. Scout was in the back seat, and I started getting freaked out. He insisted on being in the front seat, laid down and put his head on my lap. I love him!! Anyway, we're hoping, and praying that it's a simple fix, and that he will be back to himself in no time!

Quick diet update-- down another 3lbs, which brings us to 13lbs in 3 weeks. Not too shabby! Of course, I weighed myself *before* brunch today, so that might make a difference... ;-)

-10lbs+$400= a bittersweet day...

Down 10lbs as of today... and I'm SO excited about it. It's a small milestone, and I have a long way to go, but it's a start, and exactly what I needed to keep me going. I'm not sure why I'm losing so quickly now... Usually it's tough for me to lose only a few pounds, but this came off pretty quickly. I've been taking a ton of vitamins, so maybe it's helping my sad little thyroid along. I'm not complaining though, I'll take what I can get!

Of course, my elation about my weight-loss (that sounded SO prideful, but I'm not trying to be, I'm just excited!!) turned into anger about Matt's car being broken into. I know it happens to everyone, but this is the 4th time. I feel so violated, and was on the verge of tears tonight. Maybe that's a little bit dramatic, but I live in a pretty sheltered little world, and I don't really think about being the victim of a crime. Sure, I'm glad all they did was break into the car, and we're OK, but it makes me feel really unsafe. You hear the news about the Stockton area being so awful as far as crime is concerned, but it's different when it actually happens to you. Plus, now Matt has no radio, which makes me sad, considering he drives 40 minutes each way to work, and back home. Matt would give someone the shirt off of his back, so it makes me mad that someone could just steal something of his... it's going to cost about $4oo to fix everything-- the broken vents from them (unsuccessfully) trying to pry the stereo out, the broken trunk lever, and a new faceplate. All for an almost worthless faceplate that might make someone all of $5. Plus, Matt always parks in front of the cameras at work, so whoever did it was caught on tape.

I did get to hang out with some like-minded friends tonight. That always makes me feel good. So many people like to debate about biblical things, and while I believe that it can be healthy, I think it can also be a waste of time. It's a fine line, that I sometimes cross when I'm *very* passionate about something (like justice, and being real). However, even if your passionate, there is always another facet. I believe we don't have all the answers, and also believe that two people with differing opinions can both be right.... They can also both be wrong. As long as you're talking to people that are humble in spirit, and come into a conversation with the idea that sharing your opinion, rather then forcing it is the right way to go, it can be fruitful, and I believe you can ponder things you may not have even thought of before. I love it!

You don't have to live like this....

Have you ever just wanted to go up to someone in your life, put your hands on their shoulders, look into their eyes and say "you don't have to live like this!"? I go through this daily. I often say things like "I'm surrounded by crazy people". You might agree. However, I'm seeing more and more that I am surrounded by broken people. People that have made bad choices, and are fully reaping what they have sown. It breaks my heart to see it, yet there is nothing I can do. It's beyond frustration. It's borderline desperation...

I was having a conversation with my Sister-in-law yesterday. I mentioned that as much as I don't like my mom, I'm sad for her. I'm sad that on her death bed, she's going to look back, and see a life of wasted time, and a broken family. I don't say this to be mean, but my mom is bi-polar. I have friends that have the same condition, and can function normally thanks to medication, and therapy. My mom, however, refused the help she so desperately needed. As a result, she has lost everyone that she claimed to love, including me. There was help for her, all she had to do was accept it. She didn't have to live the way she was living. She didn't have to be abusive. I often mourn the relationship I could have had with her. While lots of other people say that I'm "like a daughter" to them, it doesn't fill the void that my mom should be filling, as much as I'm thankful for those people in my life. I don't think a mom is replaceable... If I wasn't invited to my daughters wedding because she couldn't trust me to behave myself, it would kill me. I don't understand how it could not even phase her.

Now with everything going on with Matt's family. Some days, it's hard to know which way is up. I guess being separated isn't suppose to be easy, and I know that Matt's parents are going through the same issues many rocky relationships go through, but there are SO many issues that could be handled if there was a willingness to get help. It's especially hard to see Matt's mom, who is trying to get help, and is trying to deal with everything-- then to see his Dad dwell in all of the things that brought him to this point. I feel such a spiritual heaviness around him.I feel like there is a battle for his soul going on, and the good guy isn't winning... I can almost hear Jesus say "Depend on me, I won't fail you! What, you're broken? That's great, I LOVE broken people!". Then the enemy on the other side saying "I bet if you took two of those pills you'd feel REALLY good!". It hurts my heart, and it's killing everyone involved. I just wish he could see what we see...

Their not the only ones. I see my niece. She is a beautiful child. She's smart, and funny, and knows the truth, yet is heading down a path of destruction, and hurt. Or my neighbor that is looking for love in all the wrong places. My sister who outright abuses her 4 daughters, and even though she has been sent to jail, and has had her children taken away more then once, continues to abuse them. Or the person in my life that is a prisoner of their own perfectionism, or the one that is all ego.

I'm not perfect. I struggle a lot. I struggle with keeping my emotions in check, and taking things too personally. I struggle with forgiveness. I struggle with my image, and what people think of me. I'm an emotional eater. I'm a mess! But by the sheer grace of God, I am a new creation, and God has given me a wonderful gift-- the gift of transformation. While I struggle with all of those things daily, I have been given a free gift-- new life. I can start fresh every day, every hour... I just wish I could convey to the people in my life that they can too. They don't have to live like this.

Oh how she reminds me of me!

So, I'm a huge Scrubs fan! Matt and I constantly laugh at Elliott, mostly because she reminds both of us so much of, well, me. I mean, screwed up family, lets people push her around, sensitive, and blah blah blah! So needless to say, my favorite clip is the "Elliott Transformation"! Love it! She finally growns a backbone... yay!!

Treading Lightly--Take two!

Well, if you follow my blog, you know that I've made several attempts to get healthy, only to be derailed time and time again by random happenings in my life, and my own negative self-talk. I lost around 12lbs a few months ago, and have managed to keep it off, which is good. I'm finally getting back on track now, and though it has proven to be even more difficult then last time, I'm doing ok. Slow and steady wins the race, right? ;-)

So I started again about a week and a half ago. I'm down 4 more pounds--which I'm amazed by, really. Matt and I have been going to the pool, and I really think that swimming is boosting my weight-loss. The reason a lot of people don't lose weight swimming, is because when you're done swimming, you're usually really hungry. So then you end up over-eating, and undoing all the work you did at the pool. So I've eating a small protein-rich snack before (string cheese, or sometimes a plain veggie burger) and then heading to the pool. Then I come home, make dinner, and eat again. I must be doing something right, because I'm not dying of hunger after an hour-long swim. Also, as long as I'm staying within my calories, I can eat what I want. Because I don't eat meat, I end up eating fewer overall calories, which leaves me extra calories for dressings, and things that I normally wouldn't have enough calories left to add in. So the food I eat still tastes good because i can add those extra things.

I'm still doing my daily calorie counting on www.calorie-count.com It's such an invaluable tool for keeping track of exactly what I'm eating, and how many calories. The fact the it's free to use is a definite plus! It also has an activity tracker, so I type in "swimming" it gives me a few options, and then adds up the total calories burned too. Love it! Since the last time, I increased the total number of calories I allow myself daily. I realized that by not eating enough, I was slowing down my metabolism. I looked up my BMR (Basic Metabolic Rate) and realized that I needed to allow myself to eat more.

I'm really committed to sticking with what I have going right now. Things have been really stressful the last few months, as we're having major family issues, and things have been over-the-top dramatic, but I'm really hoping that I won't allow myself to fall back into the patterns I was in before!

Bite Me!!

Ok, so I need to do this blog tonight! Excuse me while I gripe! :-)

Bite me: Insomnia! Seriously, it's 3:23am, and I haven't been able to fall asleep at all! I have to be up at 7am! Go the heck away, and let me get some sleep! You annoy me!

Bite me: Cat that always sleeps on my car. Not only am I tired of my car having cat hair stuck to it, but I saw the scratch marks on my trunk, and I'm not happy. I like animals, but find another bed, please?

Bite me: Mom. Don't go around telling people you want to have a relationship with me, but you don't know how to contact me. Stalking me on social networking sites doesn't constitute wanting, or having a relationship, and you can send someone a message, even if they're not your "friend". Plus, I've enjoyed not having you around. I'm finally getting over all the crap you did to me as a child, so please, just leave me alone! I can't have a relationship with you right now... really!

Bite me: Laptop. I really don't want to pay $100 for a new battery... Just work!!!

Bite me: People that insist on sucking the life out of me. I don't answer your calls because I HATE talking on the phone. Not because I don't like you, not because I don't want to listen to you, but because if I talked to you 5 minutes ago, I don't need to talk to you again.

Bite me: cancer! You keep going after people in my life, and I'm sick of it. You SUCK and I can't wait until they develop something that kills you for good!

Bite me: Cell phones. You're evil!

Bite me: People that feel like it's ok to give me diet tips, or make reference to my weight. Yes, I know I'm not skinny, but you trying to pressure me into doing whatever crazy diet your on does not help! I'm losing without you. Slow and study wins the race, fad diets are short term! Why try to get healthy if you're not going to be healthy about it?

Bite me: Starbucks. I love you, and depend on your for survival on some days (like tomorrow) but $4 for coffee? You're sucking the bank account dry!

Oh, I feel SOOOOO much better. Just had to get that off of my chest! Fell free to do your own "bite me". You'll feel SOOOO much better!!

Because there is more to me then being "nice"

I've decided that I hate being the "nice" girl. It's such a struggle for me. I am friendly by nature. However, I wish so much that I had a backbone. Lately, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I don't know how I'm suppose to be giving and giving when I feel like I really have nothing to give.

It's so hard knowing that people like you for what you can do for them, and not because they like who you are. Not because they care about what you think, or how you feel. Not because they like your personality. But because if they ask you to do something, they know you'll say yes. So that's when you hear from them. I would do almost anything for my friends, but I know who my real friends are, and my real friends know who they are. I like serving. I love being able to provide when someone has a need, and I really do what I offer to do whole-heartedly.

I hate the way it feels when I'm left out because I have to tell someone no. It happens to me all the time. If I can't drive the neighbor to the store, or I can't make a birthday cake for that party. If I can't babysit on that day, help someone move the next. I want people to be able to come to me if they need help. I just hate that with a lot of people, they are so used to me saying yes, that when I say no, I'm the bad guy. It's mostly hard because I'm faced with the crappy realization that they don't like me because I'm me, they like me because I'm "nice". That sort of rejection is really hard, because you know that you're only as good as what you can do for someone. The worst is that even our families take advantage. Both of us have siblings that only ever call when they want something, and we don't at all have a relationship apart from that. It's so hurtful... I've had people call me selfish because I was sick and couldn't help them! I've been told that if I do this this and this, then I'll be invited to the wedding as my payment... I had someone call me a bridezilla at my own wedding because I wanted a table in a certain place. I wasn't rude, I tried to explain why, but because I stood my ground, I was called a bridezilla... I wonder sometimes if people even listen to what they're saying!

Many people wonder why Matt and I share a cell phone. Would you believe me if I told you it's because people call me constantly asking me to do this or that. I purposefully have Matt check voice mails, and basically screen any calls directed to me. That way, he can erase the ones from people that aren't really my friends asking me for something. Otherwise, I get so overwhelmed with the needs of everyone else, that I don't have time to serve people that I really do care about, and that I have a real relationship with. Why can't I just say no, and not allow others to make me feel guilty when I do? Why can't I handle letting people be angry with me if I know I did nothing wrong? Why do I allow myself to be trampled on so much??

I'm starting to understand why people always say that "nice guys finish last". It's because it's the truth. You almost can't be nice without people treating you like a doormat...

Loving your enemies...

I've decided to make a conscious effort to really love my "enemies". This is no easy task for me. I love people, but I also trust few, and once someone has broken that trust it's VERY hard for me to be around them, talk to them, and ESPECIALLY to love them. I hate conflict, so usually I'd rather stay away from it, then to be in a relationship where it will come up often.

I know that I don't have to have a relationship with those people. For me though, I feel like I have to be ok with them, and to me being ok means being friendly. I try, and I fail often, but I really am trying to make things right, even if I wasn't the cause of the break down. I notice that when I try to reconcile, it makes me feel better about that person.

Sunday morning, I woke up early. I'd neglected to spend any real time with God the week before, and so, as I laid in bed, I asked God to show me something I needed to see. I've felt burdened with some relationship stuff, and I felt like that's what I needed to study. The day before, I stayed the night with my friend Sarah, and her husband Aaron. Aaron is a youth pastor, and was talking about translations of the bible while I was over. So I decided to gather my 5 different versions, and read Matthew 5:44-45 in all of them.

Most of them said the same thing, but then I got to "The Message"

"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that."

I knew right away that I was letting these relationships bring out the worst in me. The frustration, the bitterness, the desire to roll my eyes every time I heard them talk. I felt convicted, and my heart hurt.

I was in church alone that morning, and one of the people that I have had a not-so-good relationship with was there. So I started praying for him. I continued to pray for him during Communion, and that God would provide a since of reconciliation between us. It was tough, and I could even feel the hurt creep back up as I asked God to help me forgive him. I still feel uncomfortable about everything. it reminds me of when I had surgery on my knee, and even after I healed up, there was an uncomfortable tightness from the scar. Even though everything is over and done, it still doesn't feel good.

I really feel like I'm suppose to take it a step further and do something to serve them. I've always had the desire to serve those that I love, so I guess if I'm going to love my enemies, then that's what it will take. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do yet. I just know in my heart it's what I have to do. I think it will be worth it to finally be able to forgive, and move on!

Worlds Apart...Jars of Clay...

I was listening to this song driving home tonight, and the lyrics seem to always "hit" me at the best time. Especially this last part of the song. I believe these are absolute feelings of brokenness. The kind of brokenness where you have no choice but to depend on God. I can't even breathe when I hear this part.



I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

words to clean by....

I don't really mind cleaning too much, with one exception-dishes (ugh)... Through the years I've developed my little motivation methods. For instance, I have to be dressed for the day, no Pj's or any super comfy clothes. Dressed for the day is including shoes, real shoes--not flip flops. Not sure why, but having tennis shoes on give me an extra burst of energy! I also have to pull out everything I need-- Rags, cleaner (pine-sol being my favorite), newspaper for mirrors, bucket, scrub-brushes etc... Otherwise, in my quest to get everything "as I go" often causes me to get distracted.

My greatest motivator though, is Music! Years ago I would listen to the radio, and clean, then I started listening to my zune. However, the zune is too distracting, I'm always worried about dropping it in the sink, or toilet as I clean, or switching the songs. So I burned a "Cleaning CD", and I recently vowed to clean the house once a day throughout the CD. Meaning even if I am "done" before the CD ends, I have to find something to do for the remaining time. The CD is about an hour and 15 minutes long. The clean 'till it's over rule has saved me from letting things like organizing our closet from becoming a huge job. Also little things that are often missed, like cleaning our shower curtain finally get the attention they need.

My cleaning playlist includes

Be With You--Mr. Big

Mr. Brightside--The Killers

The Motown Song-- Rod Stewart

Stayin' Alive-- The Beegees

Jumpin' In The House Of God--World Wide Message Tribe (yeah, the laughing stock of Christian music)

Pretty much anything that has a good beat works for me. I also throw in an occasional sermon, Mars Hill, or even sometimes from my own church.

I'm trying to find a "laundry rhythm" because it seems like laundry in our house tends to become out of hand if I'm not **constantly** on top of it. That's just one of the reasons I'm growing out of apartment life. Not having a washer/dryer, or a dishwasher makes chores a million times worse! It's also hard to set a "laundry day" because you never know if the washers and dryers will be free on the day you decide to do it. Plus being the germ-a-phobe that I am, the idea of washing my clothes where strangers wash is hard for me. I know that's a little over-the-top, but I can't help but think about it. So we usually do it at Matt's parents, it just ends up being an all-day job. I want to be able to throw clothes in, and do them more at my own convenience. Matt is great though, he likes doing his own laundry. Though Now that he's working, and going to school, I feel like it's my job to take care of it.

I recently read a book called "The Heart of a Homemaker". Because I do most of my work from home, I feel like I am more responsible for the upkeep of it. While sometimes I don't get everything done because I do have my job, and often times it's unpredictable, I'm striving to live by the principles of this book.

The Heart of the Homemaker

-I will get up before my family, in order to prepare myself spiritually and physically.

(this one has been really hard for me. I used to be a super early riser, but that that I have sleep issues, it's tough)

-I will prepare breakfast for my family and sit with them while they eat.

(something we rarely do, but I would love to make it a daily habit)

-I will work diligently to send every member of my family off in a good mood.

-I will consult my husband every day to see if there is anything special he wants me to do for him. (I love serving Matt in this way. He loves it too!)

-I will keep a neat and orderly home.

-I will respond positively.

-I will meet my husband’s needs.

-I will put my husband before my children.

(we don't have children, but I'm trying to practice putting him before my "tasks")

I will personally meet and greet each family member as he or she returns home.

I Will be predictably happy.

I will prepare special, good food for my family.

I will make dinner a special time.

I will grow DAILY in the areas of Lord, marriage, family, and homemaking.

I'm content with the position I have, and consider it such a privilege that I get to be at home so much. Even though it seems like my work never ends (note: laundry), I'm just glad to be able to relax with Matt at the end of the day, and not have to worry about finding time for the chores.

100 mile diet. Could you do it?

I've been a local food advocate for quite a while. There are many many advantages to a local living lifestyle, like being able to talk to a farmer face to face about the use of pesticides, and knowing that your food didn't come from a country that has laws even more lax then ours about the use of pesticides on our food. Another advantage is that many local farms use organic growing methods, but because becoming "certified organic" is so expensive, they cannot advertise as an organic farm without big$$. Also, supporting local farmers, and the local economy, and not to mention locally grown food is just so darn good! I think of tomatoes, picked green, and processed hundreds, if not thousands of miles to the local grocery store. Think about the nutrients lost because they are not allowed to fully ripen. Besides, they have ZERO flavor!

I've been researching the 100 mile diet for quite some time now, and am thinking about doing a "trial run" to see how feasible it would be here. Although the great advantage is that I live in Ag country AND I just planted a veggie garden. I suppose it would probably help that I don't eat meat, and that the eggs I use are local free range, though milk would be a tough one for me for sure.

So the basic rules of the 100 mile diet are (taken from their website)

Rule #1: The Restaurant Rule

No meals at any restaurant unless the restaurant is either participating in the 100-Mile Challenge or is otherwise deeply committed to sourcing locally raised and produced foods.

Rule #2: The Traveller’s Rule(a) When travelling, the 100-mile circle travels with you; that is, you must either bring local food from home or eat foods from within the 100-mile circle of your destination.(b) It is not acceptable to make trips outside the 100-mile circle in pursuit of distant foods.(c) When returning from a trip, it is acceptable to bring home a small amount of food not found within your 100-mile circle. Likewise, if friends come to visit, they are free to bring small gifts of local food from their home areas.

Rule #3: The 99-Percent Rule(a) The foods that 100-mile challengers eat at home should be prepared using only local food products or products acquired under rule 3(b).(b) Food products that are wholly local except for very small amounts of minor additives are acceptable. This is to encourage 100-milers to support producers who are dedicated to local foods but are not as exacting as participants in a 100-mile challenge. Such products might include wine made with yeast, cheese with added rennet, or salt-cured meat, but would not include wines made with large amounts of added sugar, cheese with added ingredients, or meats cured in non local marinades or sauces.

Rule #4: “The Randy Rule”(a) Under exceptional circumstances, 100-milers may break from the challenge rules. Real examples of exceptional circumstances included a conference gala, an uncle’s traditional pancake breakfast, and wines set aside for a 10-year anniversary. The 100-mile challenge is intended to build, not break down, a sense of community.(b) If a 100-miler finds he or she is regularly making exceptions, he or she should should take on an additional challenge that helps deepen the experience, build the 100-community, or support the community at large.

I think it's going to be tough, but a fun learning experience. I think we're starting next week, only because this week have been hectic, and I want to give some real attention to the challenge!

Pillow-blog

It's 1Pm and I'm cozy in my bed. I know, it sounds SUPER lazy, but I've needed this day for months. I'm doing some work, Im-ing some friends, and watching daytime TV, all in my Pj's, dog sleeping at my feet, with cookies and milk... ha ha! I NEVER get days like this! Plus, Our Lap-top was fixed yesterday in perfect time for my "PJ day"! I say it was Divine intervention. I have something to do later, so I won't be here all day...

Yesterday was a tough day. Many of you know that we've had some major family situations as of recent, and yesterday was a day of change for sure. It was a tough day, but it was necessary. However, I think that everyone is going to be in recovery mode for quite some time. Mine started last night. One of my favorite things to do with my husband is lay in bed and watch the Jay Leno Monologue together. Sure, it sounds lame, but because things have been so tough lately, it's nice to end the day on a comedic note. To be honest, the last few nights I've slept like a baby. Praise God!

Family is so important. I think the fact that Matt and I have always had so much family stress has made family that much more important to us. We strive to create good family relations between us, and even though it's just us, we're ok with that. I just notice that many people talk about starting their family, and they mean having a baby. Matt and I wanted to "start a family" when we said our vows, aside from children. I'm so thankful for a husband that sees that importance, stands up for what our standards are, and sees the importance of being a united front, being a family. Even when things around us are uncertain, and crumbling, I always know that we're a team. Oh how God provided me security in him!

Seeing relationships crumble around us has been hard. In fact, we have very few healthy relationships around us. While Matt and I totally struggle at times (who knew communication could be so tough??), for the most part, we feel like seeing those relationships, some of which have crumbled over tiny things that were never dealt with that turned into huge issues, is motivation to consistently work on ourselves, on our relationship, and to seek God's will in our marriage.

Today I'm just thankful for my husband, for my marriage, for what a great leader my husband is. I've seen the alternative, and I'm just so so very thankful. I often wonder with everything that has happened in my life, why God chose to pull me out of the family I had, and provide me with countless opportunities to live my life the right way and serve Him. I don't know why, but I'm so glad I am no longer what I was!