Friday, October 12, 2012

Keep Calm? Right.



I have been going through my own personal hell. No way to sugarcoat it, or put a happy spin. I can't name a time where I felt quite this bad. I've said it before--panic disorder is no joke.

The first recent major panic attack I had started with a tingle in the back of my head. I've had this pre-panic symptom before, but I was sick with food poisoning (I think) the evening before, so I dismissed it as part of not feeling well. It all went down hill from there. I started feeling short of breath, and my heart started racing. As soon as I felt that way, I knew what was about to happen. I told Matt what was happening, and started making tea. Then I jumped in the shower. Sometimes a hot shower relaxes me enough to get through it, but this time it didn't. I frantically called Matt into the bathroom because I was terrified to be alone. My heart felt like it was going to explode, my face, arms and hands felt numb. All I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin. To escape. I couldn't. I was held a prisoner of my own terror for almost two hours. While one part of me was convinced that I was dying, the other part of me wished I just would. No, I'm not suicidal, but in the chaos of feeling that way, your mind takes you to a crazy place.

Matt was doing all he could do to console me. Sometimes me wanting him to be right there, other times not wanting to be touched, or talked to. One second telling him that I was feeling better, and the next I was rolled up into a ball crying, and begging him for the tea I made. The minutes felt like hours. Once I finally started feeling better I just fell asleep. I had nothing left. I was both physically and emotionally drained. The whole thing was crazy and terrifying. I was honestly convinced that something was seriously wrong with me, but at the same time knew it was panic. So confusing.

I've probably had 15 more since that night. There is no easy way to predict them. No easy way to control them. Several times they happen in the middle of the night. The best way I've found to get through it is sitting outside in the middle of the backyard praying. Sometimes in 5 minutes I'm better. Sometimes it's an hour. The only nice thing is after I have one, I'm so tired that I sleep really well. The crappy part is that for the last two weeks my whole body hurts because of the tension, which in turn makes me anxious, which in turn gives me panic attacks. The most vicious of circles.

I don't now why this is happening. I don't know how to stop it. I do know it's time to stop delaying getting some serious professional  help. I was hoping and praying that it would just stop on it's own. Not sure why I'm going through this. I can easily say it's been the darkest few weeks of my life. I know that I'm being allowed to go through this for a reason. But in the middle of an attack, it's really hard for me to come up with a good reason. I'm definitely ready for some healing!