so right, but feels so wrong...

I have a dilemma. Having a dilemma is not a fun thing for a person like me. I'm so concerned that I'll make a wrong step, or G-d forbid--a mistake. Tonight I had to confront someone I love about some things. Nothing major, but I tend to avoid confrontation at all costs. You know when you finally get to the end of your rope though, and something needs to be said. That was my night. So I said what needed to be said, and got silence in return.

I still have a sick feeling in my stomach. my dilemma is that I feel so wrong in confronting anyone, because I know how imperfect I am. Yet, in this case, I felt it necessary. This person is someone I love dearly too, which complicates things further. I don't want her to be angry with me, or to even think I'm really angry with her. I'll admit, I tend to get angry when someone hurts me. Someone can do something and it might annoy me, but I think the only time people around me ever really experience me being angry, is when I'm deeply hurt. I'm not easily prone to anger at all. Even when I do get angry, I tend to get over it quite quickly. Tonight I was a little angry, because I got hurt, but I tried my darnedest to put that aside and just tell her how I felt. I think I did an ok job, yet I still don't feel any better about it.

I think some people have the gift of confrontation. Sounds a little strange, but I really believe it. I definitely fall into the sucks at saying no, bad at confrontation because it's easier to be walked on, then to stand up to someone, and have someone mad at me non-confrontational category. It works sometimes. Yet so often I feel used and abused, but I'm too afraid to say anything. When I do say something, I feel heartless. I feel like I'm being selfish, even if I have other commitments that would seem to have greater importance.

So I beckon all friends that this "confrontation" "saying no" thing comes easily to. Please tell me how you do it without feeling guilty!

...and a partridge in a pear tree...

To all of our friends and family, Merry Christmas! May you enjoy all of the blessings that this season brings! May you find rest, comfort, and most of all, the blessing of loving friends and family this Christmas. May the next year bring an abundance of joy!

In Him whose birth we celebrate today,

Matt and Sarah

Two turtle doves...

Today, I realized what makes Christmas such a magical time for me. It's in the giving. The selfless acts that people do around Christmas make my heart smile. Yesterday, I walked into our church kitchen, and saw 90+ boxes of food going to needy families (pictured above). I don't know the name of the woman in charge, but I will say she was so full of love. All of the boxes had been accounted for. Yet person after person walked into that kitchen and expressed a need. Without blinking, she handed them a box and said "Merry Christmas". She could have said "oh these boxes are going to someone else" but she didn't, she trusted the Lord to provide, which he did! This morning, I watched a news program that I watch often. I was moved by an ongoing story about the great need in our community, and how people, bad economy and all, came through and gave Christmas to people that would have gone without otherwise. Another story told of the "layaway angel" that paid off the layaway of some families that weren't able to pay for their kids Christmas gifts, and were faced between giving their children gifts, and eating. A choice I wish no one ever had to make. Of course, that tends to be the same story every year. It still moved me into the depths of my heart.


Oh how different our world would be if these things were carried beyond the holiday season! Of course, it might make the Christmas deeds of people seem "ordinary" year to year, but maybe not. Maybe it would cause people to have to step up even more during the Christmas season. Maybe one day it would even translate into serving the people around the world in a more prominent way. In the name of Christ, or not. Not that I'm discounting Christ, but I believe that God can be used even in the good works people do that were not done in his name...


Today. I woke up in a funk. I could probably name a list of reasons why, but I'll refrain. However, how can I even feel that way? I have 100,000,000,000,000 times more then so many people. Jesus, A place to live, a job, food, money in the bank, and the like. I have no excuse to be in a funk. I am required simply by my blessings to be cheerful.


That is the magic of Christmas. Now, we just have to spread the word that "good deeds" are needed throughout the year, not just at Christmas time...

Scaredy Cat...

Isn't it funny how the closer you are to God, the more broken you realize you are? I'm so broken. Everyday I struggle with a new anxiety about something, and everyday I slap God in the face and tell him that I don't trust him. I'm grieved that I live in such a way. I'm ashamed that I can't get over some of my doubts and fears. I hate that I sacrifice something as necessary as sleep, just to lay in bed and worry. What do I worry about? Just about everything. Relationships, death of people I love, our apartment catching on fire, my alarm not going off, if I fed the dog, if I've offended someone, if I'm a good enough wife, or friend, if I've done the right things by my family, Matt's family, what people think of me, what I think of me. I can't seem to shut it off. It's eating me alive, and no one can help me, except for the one that I so carelessly throw to the side when I'm anxious. Because the thought of relinquishing control feels like a death sentence.

I've always been prone to anxiety. If I had to be famous for a sin, I'm positive that would be the one. I can't even type this without tears pouring down my face. I hate this part of myself. The worst part is that somehow in my head it makes sense. The 5 minutes of peace thinking that I've done everything I can do, gives me this totally pompous high. Like this elatedness, that is so false. Like the felling that I really am in control. Then the cycle starts all over. I have to laugh at myself for typing that, because it is so ridiculous. You always realize how ridiculous you are when you go back and read your crazy thoughts!

I don't really know what the next step is. I have some fears that I've had my entire life. How do you undo 26 years of fear? I guess I have to somehow convince myself that I'm not really in control anyway, as much as I pretend that I am. And that all I can do, is do the right things, and live in today and not tomorrow. I have to trust that God really does have a plan for my life, and that this is not the way to live, because it's not living. If only it were easy to get all of these thoughts from my head, to my heart.

How often we forget...

It's Christmastime, undoubtedly my most favorite time of year. I'm sure that it is for a majority of people. Even if you don't believe that Jesus came to the earth as God in flesh, you cannot deny the magic of the season. However, I DO believe in the authenticity, and infallibility of the story of the Christ child. So much so, that even hearing a Christmas song often finds me in tears.

I didn't grow up with the the gospel. I didn't know what Christmas meant. While I knew the story of baby Jesus, I had no clue as to the blessed implications of his birth, or what it really meant. When you're a child, it's a sweet story. I'm sure if you had strong Christian parents that were very intentional about making sure you understood the meaning of Christmas, that things would make it more understandable. However, for me, that is not how it was. In fact, Christmas growing up was a tense season.

Being an adult changes things. I want to honor Christ in my Christmas, I want my focus to be on him in all of my Christmas preparation. I know that the season often bogs people down with to-do lists, and stress over parties, and gifts. This year though, I'm not worrying about all I have to do. Instead, I'm enjoying the true meaning of the season; the birth of the Jesus. While I enjoy all of the festivities of Christmas (yes, even wrapping gifts), I tend to get over-focused on things that need to be done, and making sure I've met the expectations of those around me. This year, I have tried to make it clear to everyone around me, that I fully intend on relishing every good and perfect moment. That means not spending every waking second in the kitchen, when I could be spending time with all of the children in my life, remembering that this is a time of joyous celebration. Or running back and forth, from house to house, trying to please everyone, when I could be opening gifts with my husband, by the light of our Christmas tree. And by serving someone that has less then myself, in a tangible way, as I feel everyone should do, for we have been blessed so much.

I look to this season with joy, and excitement! But also with peace in my heart. Yay, it's Christmastime!!

Missing...

I miss my family. What a way to start a blog, huh? I do though. I love the holidays! However, there is always a little feeling in the corners of my mind and heart, that wishes I could spend more time with my family. I love Matt's family, but they are so different then me, or my own family. I struggle to fit in at times, and tend to have to keep to myself a bit. That's probably normal, I'm sure. It's just magnified during the holidays. I'm just not one to beg people to see the art in me, and sometimes I just want to be able to be myself, without having to worry about what other people think. With my own (extended family, I'm not close to my mom, or sister) family, they love me and encourage me to always be who I am. I know they love me for who I am. I can keep busy, and serve them, and love them, without anyone feeling like I'm stealing their spotlight. I can share my opinion without anyone being offended. I can crack a joke, and everyone knows I'm just being snarky in a totally fun spirited way. I never have to explain myself... I miss that.

I'm blessed to have an awesome extended family. My aunt and uncle especially! They are really great people. They are both Strong, and funny, and are very into family. They are getting older though, and it scares me to think about life without them one day. They're kind of the only family I have left. They have been the only major constant family in my life. I'm the spitting image of my aunt. Mostly in personality. We both love kids, humor, Christmas, and burnt chocolate chip cookies! She's an inspiration to me! She is a breast cancer survivor, a wonderful mom, sister, daughter, aunt and friend. She would do anything for anyone. She has been the mom I never had in so many ways.

So my early new years resolution is to spend more time with them, starting with Christmas. I hope to be a constant in the lives of my two young twin cousins, and to carry on family traditions even when my family is gone. So much of who I am is because of them, and I never want to lose that.

I figured out the cure for world hunger...

This toffee/coffee mix begins with Heath ice cream blended with coffee, Heath Bar candy pieces and caramel, topped with whipped cream and even more Heath Bar candy pieces.

Serving Size 1 Serving (32 fl.oz)
Amount Per Serving
Calories 2,310
Calories from Fat 970
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 108g 166%
Saturated Fat 64g 320%
Trans Fat 2.5g
Cholesterol 295mg 98%
Sodium 1560mg 65%
Total Carbohydrates 303g 101%
Dietary Fiber 2g 8%
Sugar 266g
Protein 35g
Vitamin A 60%
Vitamin C 15%
Calcium 120%
Iron 6%
Calories per gram:
Fat 9 Carbohydrate 4 Protein 4
*Percent Daily Value based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be different depending on your calorie needs.

Still not a very good blog... sorry.

Today has been an emotionally challenging day for many reasons. We've been going through a lot of family stuff, and it's all been pretty disheartening. Today, there was a victory, and I'm thankful to God for it. However, I'm going through some personal struggles of my own that I don't feel comfortable enough sharing here, and could just use some prayer. I'm thankful that I have a good husband, and many friends that support me, no matter what. Even still, I'm just feeling alone, and frustrated. So if you think of it, please just say a little prayer for me! I could sure use some right about now!

Oh, and for those following, the diet is actually going well! Even though I've been emotional, I haven't restored to turning to food for comfort, so yay!! I've even lost 2 pounds this week! Thank goodness that SOMETHING in my life is going well...lol!

A life invisible...

Ok, I wrote an entire blog, accidentally deleted it, and then before I could figure it out, it saved that way...ugh.


So tomorrow you will get a better blog then this, I'm just too tired to re-write the whole thing...

when I have a bad day, this is what I watch...

Water, treadmills, salad and all things "healthy"

Dieting is SO overrated! I don't see beauty in starving at all. I'm not starving, but goodness gracious am I hungry for pancakes...lol! I'm not even really a junk food eater(don't like chips, or sweets and rarely drink soda), but it seems like every time I really really try, that you could cover a brick in sugar and I'd go for it. This coming from a girl without much of a sweet tooth! Ugh!

I was writing on my blog "Treading Lightly", hoping that I could find a group of people that would go through the health/weight loss journey with me, but I had little response. I avoid telling family or friends about my efforts because I typically get a slew of bad advice, sabotages (just have ONE cookie), and thin people (that aren't very health conscious) about what I need to do. I already know what I need to do! My biggest frustration is that I'm a very slow loser, so I usually give up before I can see results. Mix that in with chronic low blood sugar, and hashimotos, a husband that could eat a brick of sugar, and a tub of butter for every meal, and never gain weight, and I feel like it's such an uphill battle.

Last night, I went to bed around 1:30am because I wanted to wait until I was so tired that I couldn't not fall asleep once I got into bed. I wrote down some healthy goals while I was awake, and I felt good about them. I won't share them publicly. I'm open, but I like my privacy (it sounds like a contraction, but it's not, I swear!). If you would like to know my goals, feel free to ask, I don't mind sharing, I just don't want random people trying to keep me accountable!

So until tomorrow, I'll be here munching on salad, drinking a ton of water, hitting the gym, and tracking my calories on http://www.calorie-count.com/

Joy!

Feeling better tonight...

I would love to spend my night snuggling a soft blanket on the couch with a book (or wii controller... I'm addicted to Paper Mario!). It seems that because I am having so much trouble sleeping, that my energy level is non-existent. I've been hitting the gym, not only to get into a better exercise routine, but also to try to tire myself out. Not working! Doesn't help that Matt has been having AWFUL asthma attacks in the middle of the night. Poor guy! Neither of us are getting any sleep! That on top of a TON of family stress, it's just been rough! And if you're not getting enough sleep, everything is harder to deal with.

So tonight, I decided to post a link about things that will help you sleep better! Some of these work for me, others, not so much, but probably work for some!
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sleep/HQ01387

I heart the Mayo Clinic! Even though sometimes I search "nausea" and it comes back "Cancer" lol!

You can't force people to be your friend..

Oh my life is crazy! Anyone that reads my blog probably knows that my life is anything but normal! I'm surrounded by craziness! As much as I downplay it, and make a joke about it, sometimes it really really sucks!

There are people in my life that I wouldn't trade. Some of those people would trade me in a heartbeat though. It's all so frustrating! I just want everything to be as it should be. I know people aren't perfect, and I don't expect them to be at all. I just want people to want me. That's all. Not just me, but us.

Tonight, I tried to force things around me to be "normal". I played Suzie housewife, and made dinner for everyone, and tried to make it nice. I just wanted to be a family. That just isn't possible though. You can't force people to want to be part of your family. You can't force people to love you, even though they should love you because you're family. Sometimes you just have to give up, especially of someone blatantly tells you that spending time with you isn't worth their precious time. So now I'm frustrated, and in tears, and really really angry. I'm so tired of putting myself out there, but I don't want to just leave things all broken and screwed up either.

It's nights like this that I wonder what is keeping us here. We have hardly any family to speak of. Most of the ones that are here have more important things to do then spend time together, so what is the point? We seriously need out of here!

Feeling yucky tonight...

So I'll just leave you with this...

http://www.bizarrebids.com/

Oh the things you can auction off!!

Oh the things that make me smile!

It's about time we see some diversity! Don't you think?

Thanksgiving...

Can you believe Thanksgiving is right around the corner? Amazing! 2008 flew by! My favorite part about Thanksgiving is of course the food! I've been busy figuring out our thanksgiving menu. No, Matt and I do not host Thanksgiving. We have ZERO space! Matt's mom has thanksgiving at her house and despises cooking and baking, so I usually plan the meal. I enjoy it!

This year will be slightly different then last year. I stopped eating meat in January. No, I'm not going to subject the guests to tofukey, and soy gravy (Though I will be preparing it for myself!) I am making some meat alternatives, but the meat will be there (I'm sure the Sciarini's reading this have breathed a huge sigh of relief!).

So I thought I would share a couple of meat free thanksgiving dishes I'm making this year!

Day Ahead
Mashed Potatoes
10 Servings
8 potatoes, peeled, cut into pieces
1 8-ounce package cream cheese
1 cup sour cream
Garlic salt
Butter, melted
One day before serving: Cook potatoes covered in large pot of boiling salted water
until tender, about 20-25 minutes. Drain potatoes and return to same pot. Add cream
cheese and sour cream and mash well. Season potatoes to taste with garlic salt and
pepper.
Butter an 8x12-inch flat casserole dish. Spoon in the potato mixture, and brush the top
well with melted butter. Cover with plastic wrap. Refrigerate.
The following day: Return the mixture to room temperature. Preheat oven to 350*F.
Bake uncovered for 30 minutes.

These potatoes are AWESOME and flavorful without using chicken broth!

Crock-pot Vegetarian Stuffing

2 cups chopped celery

2 cups chopped onion

1/4 cup chopped parsley

2 (8 ounce) cans mushrooms, drained

12 cups stale bread, cut into cubes

1 tsp poultry seasoning

1 tsp dried thyme

1 1/2 tsp sage

1/2 tsp ground black pepper

1 1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp dried marjoram

2 eggs, beaten

4 cups vegetable broth
In a large skillet over medium heat, melt the butter. Saute the celery, onion, parsley and mushrooms until onions are soft.
In a large bowl, combine the bread cubes and vegetables. Add the poultry seasoning, thyme, sage, pepper, salt and marjoram. Toss together well. Add egg and enough broth to moisten.
Lightly pack into crock pot; cover and cook on high for45 minutes. Reduce to low and cook for 4 to 8 hours.

Makes12 servings.

So good, and saves your space in the oven for the turkey (or tofukey!)

Oh me, Oh my!

Oh Michelle Obama.... How dare you wear something with color in it! Don't you know you're about to become the First Lady? Ha ha!

Ok, I liked Michelle Obama's dress. Of course, I am no fashionista, but goodness, we have a new President, and this is all people can talk about!?! Give me a break!

Obama is the winner!

Now, most people that read my blog are Christians. I don't like to offend anyone,but I think Christians need to stop complaining about Obama, and start living like the people of faith we are suppose to be! We can cry, and whine and throw a fit about it, or we can stand thankful that we live in a free nation, thankful that God has a plan for it, and hopeful for a brighter future.

Today I don't cower, or fear the next 4 (or even 8) years. I'm excited that God has amazing plans for our nation! I'm praying for Obama, not against him! I'm praying that God would move him in the White House, I'm praying that God will help him make the right decisions, I'm praying that God would move in his marriage, and limit the stress on his family. I'm praying that God is going to do a work through him!

Will you join me in praying for our new leader? It doesn't matter how you feel about him! I'm excited to see what the next 4 years bring. Not because I'm a huge fan of Obama, but because I know God has a plan!

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man. my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood. It's to a King & a Kingdom" - Derek Webb "King & a Kingdom"

Remember to vote!!

If you don't vote, you can't complain... so VOTE!!

The Sciarinis' Meet The Duggars'

I'll admit it, years ago, I saw a preview for a special about this family from Arkansas with 16 Children and thought "what are they thinking?". I was confused by the idea of having so many children, I was curious as to how they paid for it all, I wondered what it would be like for a child in such a large family, and in a way, I wanted to spend a day in there house, see what things are like without cameras (I think I still do!). Not that I thought there was anything "wrong" happening, but to see how it all worked in "real life". So I watched the show, and my curiosity turned to admiration. It was there that my respect for the Duggar family began.

Now most of you know that my family situation growing up was the exact opposite of the Duggar family. I had my mom, dad, and an older half-sister. My mom was emotionally abusive and never said a nice thing to me, my dad just sat there and watched it all happen, and my sister was really out of control. There was no protection, there was no love, and Jesus was a foreign concept. I don't know why God pulled me out of that. I don't know why he had such provision over my life. All I know is that He did, and I'm thankful for it! However, I really believe that God put this desire in my heart from a young age to have a close-nit family. That is one of the things that really drew me to the Duggars. They just seem so loving. I secretly wished my family was more like that. I bet even the harshest critics of the Duggar family have the same secret!

Anyway, fast forward to last week. I was driving by The Home Church on my way into Stockton, and saw a sign saying the Duggars' would be speaking at their church. I was excited! Now working in radio for the past 4 years, I've met a lot of "Stars". I've never been Starstruck. People are people, and it takes a lot to impress me. But my heart did flutter a bit when I found out!

So, last night I was going to end up going alone because my poor husband had a severe headache (it's been a trend between us it recent days!). Well, a few minutes before I was going to leave, Matt was feeling better so he came with. I have some friends from that church, so I didn't feel too uncomfortable going. We got a close seat, and things got started. I must say, there are people that look totally different on TV. Not Jim Bob or Michelle Duggar! They look pleasant, and very approachable. The chuch had been accepting questions weeks before. They were asked the normal questions like "How do you find time to spend with each of your children?", and "how do you handle discipline?". It wasn't the answers that stood out to me, but the heart behind their answers. They truly love Jesus and really want the very very best for their children.

Michelle's heart impresses me. She takes her job to "train up her children" very seriously. Jim Bob impresses me in the way that he is so obviously the spiritual leader of their household. They were more then adamant in admitting that they are not perfect, and that they've had times where they had to ask forgiveness from their children. That they don't have all of the answers. That their children misbehave. Their hearts were ones of humility, and always pointing back to Jesus.

When they were finished, most people left, and there was a small group hanging around. I wanted a picture (just to add to this blog, actually!!) so we waited until they weren't overly crowed, and they proceeded to the stage. There were two young girls (probably not older then about 12) and I overheard one girl say to Jim Bob "I only want 3 or 4 kids-not 18!". I smiled at the frankness of this girl and leaned over and said "You might change your mind one day." Jim Bob jumped in and said "You should consider letting God decide the size of your family!". Then Jim Bob introduced himself to us with a friendly hello and a strong handshake. We told him that we watch the show, and he let us know about an upcoming episode about a trip to the Ken Hamm Creation Museum. We talked about how awesome it was that it was going to be played on the Discovery Channel. I mentioned that I admired his family, and asked if they new the gender of baby 18. He told me, but I'm not sure if they're doing a special about it, so I'll leave that out! Another person wanted a picture, so we moved out of the way. After that picture, we jumped in and ask if we could have one quickly too, and I mentioned I didn't want to be "That person that wants their picture taken with the Duggars', but that I wanted it for my blog." Jim Bob said "Oh you're a blogger!? I've always wanted to meet a blogger. You probably spend too much time on the computer!" (with a smile, not in a judging way at all!) I replied "You're right, I do!". However I wanted to say "Jim Bob, you have NO idea!!" Ha ha!

Then we met Mama Bear herself, Michelle! I was like "I don't know how you do it, but I admire you for it!", and mentioned that I really look up to her. Again, I was impressed by how friendly and down to earth she is! I mentioned that she needs to start an internship program at her house! She quickly mentioned that she is "still trying to figure it all out". We only talked for a few minutes, but I let with an even deeper respect then I had for them before. They are so real, and down to earth, and loving. I don't understand their critics. My life and standards are different from the Duggars'. I am still on the fence about the birth control thing (another blog for another day), we have, and watch a TV. But maybe it is all a matter of "His ways are not our ways". and that Matt and I need to examine our hearts and God's word to find out exactly what we believe about those things. In the end though, if we decide that we are in God's will now, then I'll still have a tremendous amount of respect for this family.

They are doing another session tonight, and I'm eager to here their life story. So tomorrow, I'll post blog "The Duggars', Night 2". I'm excited!

my new Starbucks fave!

Have you tried the new Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate? Amazing! Seriously! Of course it is not for the faint of heart (or those who are dieting! Calorie city!!). It's a perfect blend of salty and sweet! And for Cold, rainy days in Ca (Or anywhere) like today!

It makes my heart (and tummy) smile!

30 and flirty and thriving!

Today is the first day of nablopomo's 30 Days of Blogging!

What is 30 days of blogging? (Taken from the site)

"The name NaBloPoMo is derived from NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, where participants try to write an entire novel in one month. We're here because we can't commit to an endeavor of such magnitude, but we can post on our blogs every day for a month! Weekends included."

So yay!! I'm excited, yet somewhat scared of such a commitment! I think it will be fun, and I hope you will commit to blogging for 30 days too!!

Make sure you sign up!

Whatever you're doing, inside of me, it feels like chaos...

A frustrating season...

I'm sure feeling like giving up today...lol!


I'm in such a strange season in my life. I don't really know how to explain it. All I can say is it's frustrating. I've been dealing with the same issue for over 2 years. Most of my friends know just because it is such a huge part of my life, but I'll spare the details here and just say, it's been rough.

I've searched for answers, and so far I feel like there is no great reason. I guess I have to wait it out, ride the waves, and just go with it. No other option. I do, however, need some sort of comfort. Last night, for the first time ever, I skipped communion. I have so much unforgivness floating around in my heart that I couldn't take it. I just sat there, heavy hearted, with a huge lump in my throat. That is so unlike me. But how can I forgive something that just keeps going and going? I don't know. I feel like this whole thing is out of control, and there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe that is the lesson.

So what is a girl to do when there is nothing left? Find the promises that her Father wrote to her for times like these...

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.
Deuteronomy 33:27

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident. Psalm 27:1,3

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. Psalm 34:17

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. Psalm 61:1-4


The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.
Psalm 145: 18-19

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Isaiah 43:1b-3a

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:13a,14

The Lord is my light and my salvation -- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Psalm 27:1,3-5

Who is your "holey bucket"?

What do I mean? I guess I mean then person you're always making effort with. The person that you try and try to be friends with, the person you go out of your way for, or try to include, but in the end, they could care less. If they want something, or need help, you're the first person they call. Other then that, they don't want you around. I call them "holey buckets" because you pour into them and pour into them, but the water just leaks out of the side. It's useless because it's never enough. Nothing you do is ever enough!

I have a few holey buckets in my life. It's draining, pardon the pun. It's one thing when the person is someone that you can part ways with, and won't see on a normal basis. In my case it's mostly family members in my life regularly. That magnifies the issue a million times over. You MUST see them. There is no avoiding. It hurts because you want to be close, but at the same time you end up hating to be in the same room with the person because you feel taken advantage of.

I often wonder what Jesus would want me to do. Would he want me to keep putting myself in a place where i could get hurt, or would he want me to retreat to safety, and hide. Honestly, I don't think the answer is cut and dry. I don't think Jesus would want us to be taken advantage of, but I don't think he wants us to give up on people either. So even though I always seem to get my feelings hurt in the end, I can't say no more, I can't run away and hide. I have to be love. I have to stick around when it's hard. Do I own people that? No, but I do owe Jesus. I owe him everything, and if he's just asking me to lay down my feelings and be a neighbor, then I guess that's what I'll try to do.

I just wish family could be family without the drama!

Happy 1 year Matt!!

Ok, not so "Happy" but the first way major incident we survived as a married couple was Matt being attacked by a police dog. Here are some pictures (If you're squeamish, it's not too bad, but you may not want to scroll down...)




This is dodger, the actual dog that attacked Matt! Scary!!





Here is the damage (above), a deep puncture wound that was deep into muscle tissue!





Several punctures and lacerations. They had to put one stitch in to close it a bit, but normally don't stitch dog bites because of bacteria!

I will just say, the whole thing was awful! It forced me to live up to the vow i made "In sickness and in health" because let me tell you, he could hardly walk, and was in pain. Also we were so worried about our insurance not covering it (they didn't, we had to sue the city of Lodi for damages, something we didn't want to do, but were forced to do, sadly). So the attack, the hours and hours of hospital visits, injections because of a developing infection, losing his job because of his injury, and thousands of dollars in medical bills later, he's almost totally better. It still hurts now and then, and the scars are crazy! For the most part though, he's good!

It was bad, but we had the support of family and friends, and God blessed both of us in so many ways. I thank God that it wasn't worse then it was. He could have been seriously injured when the dog pulled him from his bike, he could have been bitten on the face, or neck causing very very serious injury...crazy. We're just both so thankful that he is okay, and our relationship survived it's first major bump! So heres to a year later!

I've been a bad blogger...

I love to blog, honestly, I do. However, I have been slacking. Sorry if you actually read my blog. I try to stay consistent, but it's been hard the last couple of weeks.

One reason is I've had this headache that won't go away, and the light from the computer makes it worse, so I've hardly even checked my e-mail recently! Another reason is that Matt and I have hardly seen each other in the last week, and I want to spend time with him. If i had to choose between blogging and cuddling with my sweet husband, well sorry blog friends!

Anyway, I don't actually have a subject to blog about. I have lots of things I could write about, and will write about in the near future (church shopping, emotional healing, our 5 year anniversary, list of books I'm reading...) tonight though, I just thought I'd say "yes, I am still alive!".

So tomorrow, I will have a new blog! :-) Yay!

I was impressed...

So, I did my normal Sunday routine today, for the most part. Woke up, took a shower, said my goodbyes to the hub who works every Sunday, and got ready for church. Then I did the normal fretting over going to church alone, got through the anxiety, and headed over. I used to always attend church alone, but since everything happened (church drama...ugh!!), I suffer from crazy panic-like attacks at the thought of being there, and sitting alone. Every week though, I seem to manage it okay (not without wiping tears away, but okay), and I figure it's worth the good preaching, even if I'm not involved there.

Today though, felt different. Though I was there alone, I was pretty engrossed in both the preaching and worship. If I were totally honest, and usually I am, I would say that even attending church has been really half-hearted lately.... OK more like for the last year or two. It's like the same mundane thing every week. I know when to sit, I know when to stand, I know that the closing prayer always starts with "and now may the God of" and I know which door gets me out the quickest.

Today, they switched it up a bit, and I liked it! Glen preached, and he just has such a way with words that whatever he's taking about, you feel like you're right there experiencing it. I've heard about 72 billion preachers, and I must say, very very few can preach the way he does! He's so engaging! I also think that the worship team must have had a pre-church meeting at Starbucks (or they are on crack), because everyone was so into worship today and had loads of energy. They actually PLAYED the drums, instead of just tapping them for background effect, they had an energy I've never really witnessed from them, it was really good. Not that worship is happening any less the other way, but this way got people excited about praising God! Communion is every 1st Sunday of the month, and the same way every time, passed by the deacons, but today we walked to the front to get it. It was a nice change of pace, and really helped me focus less on my anxiety, and more on Jesus.

So what can I say besides how impressed I was that they're stepping out of the line up, and more into what is going to engage people more. Maybe if things keep getting better, I could fall in love with my church all over again. Of course it would take more then a change in the worship service, but today was a step in the right direction!

An issue near and dear to my heart... Where my bees at?

Grace, Grace....

My good friend Erin posted this on her Myspace, and within the first few seconds I was in tears. God's grace hits me in a new way daily, and this was the way today. This is Caleb Chapman...

Falling through the cracks...

Saturday, I had to pick my in-laws up from SFO. I was not excited to go! In fact, I dreaded the thought after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours when we dropped them off (and it was my birthday...). I was even less excited that Matt had to work so I would be driving alone. So, I thought I'd call my brother-in-law, Tony, and see if he would at least come with me. He agreed.

When Tony and I aren't are totally different pages with things (we have an interesting relationship), then we usually have good conversation. This was one of those times. We covered a lot of points about the church. We talked about the church regarding abortion, pharisaism, hypocrisy, homosexuality, pride, separation of politics from church and the like. One thing we discussed that I enjoyed the most was how long-time members of Church's sometimes fall through the cracks.

What I mean is that sometimes churches get so focused on getting new members, that they forget to really take care of the existing members. It's so so very sad. I've seen really dedicated members of the church I attend leave. Mostly over misunderstandings, or the feeling that the things they do aren't appreciated by the church (even if you're truly serving God, I think people still needs to know their work is valuable to the church), or they get treated more like employees then volunteer staff.

I talked about how frustrated I still am about all the stuff that happened to Matt and I, and how I feel churches will sometimes sacrifice their own members to protect a member of their staff. I talked about a time I had been really involved at a church, and ended up leaving the church kind of suddenly. I left because of a lot of broken promises, and some other things. No one ever called to ask what happened. It seemed like it was kind of like "ok, well just find someone else to fill her spot.". That was the time I didn't go to church for almost 2 years. I felt like I was just some workhorse, and that I as a person didn't matter. The same thing happened at the church I currently attend. Because of gossip, and a misunderstanding, and some interesting lies by someone that doesn't like me, a pastor didn't trust me wholeheartedly, but he trusted me enough to be a workhorse. He told me how great of a leader I was, and He trusted me enough to set things up, and do PowerPoint, and the snack bar. When it came to anything that wasn't labor intensive, or something fun where I actually got to hang out with kids, he picked someone "better". Now apparently that ministry is really short on leaders. Here Matt and I are willing leaders, that love kids, that love to serve, and we're not allowed to because of a stupid misunderstanding. Ugh! It angers me to no



I guess I didn't realize exactly how I felt until that conversation. It's like all of these thoughts in my head were puzzle pieces, and when I said them out loud the puzzle came together. My biggest issue with the church is that it tends to get so focused on new members, that everyone else can potentially fall through the cracks without much notice. Weather it be not doing to right thing, so the pastor is protected and the issue doesn't get publicized, throwing the hurt party to the wolves, or people leaving unnoticed, and then feeling like they aren't cared about. Maybe that's the same reason I don't really like a big church. How do you keep track of everyone? Yeah maybe small groups, or whatever. But maybe the key is when a church reaches a certain size, to plant a new church. I like the latter! I don't believe in the "mega-church". I know they're out there, but I don't think a church should ever get that big.

Just another crazy thought I guess!

It has been a Loooooooooong week!

I'm tired. How tired was I last night? Tired enough to get home, fall asleep in my clothes, on the couch, with no blanket or pillow, and not wake up until 10:57am, and I still made it to church by 11:10am... :-) Of course I threw some clothes on, ran a brush through my hair, and did my make-up in the car. I still had lines on my face from sleeping on my hand when I pulled into the parking lot! classy! Lol! My husband was nice enough not to wake me up to get me to come to bed, because he knows that once I get woken up, it's SO hard for me to go back to sleep! It's been crazy this week with Matt's uncle passing away (which has been extremely hard on everyone! He was a well loved man!!) and my birthday, and trips back and forth to the airport, and house sitting for my in-laws, and work on top of all of the everyday things like laundry. It's just been hard to keep up.

Yesterday Matt worked a late shift, so I went to our couples group game night "single". While it was fun, I still felt awkward. Because I was alone, teams were uneven and people had to skip turns here and there. I felt like attention kept being drawn to the fact that I was by myself. I miss Matt so much when he's gone. I mean, everyone at game night was really nice, I just don't think I would go back alone because of how awkward it makes me feel. Not because anyone made me feel awkward, but because it's just a strange situation.

Then today, I was alone in church. I feel like I'm alone so often. Typically, I like my alone time, but I guess with everything going on the last week and a half, I don't want to be alone. I know that Matt and I are just in this season of life where we're trying to figure everything out, trying to plan our future (too bad God usually has other plans) but it just seems like things keep coming up to derail our efforts. It's ok and we're fine and more in love then ever, I just miss him when is at work. Last night he worked until almost midnight, then had to be back at 8am. Days like that always take their toll on us. You can see why I didn't marry anyone in the military! I couldn't last a day!

It's only 2:30pm now, and I'm already wanting a nap. But there is work to do, and time moves forward even when we feel like we want it to stop for 5 minutes. If I had a superpower, I'd stop the world and melt with you... :-)

Just do it, Baby!

You know you want to!

Is this some fulfillment of prophecy I'm not aware of?

Crazy things going on in Israel! I'm sure it's not what you think!

Last blog as a 25 year old...

(this picture made me smile today!)

Time seems to be escaping me! No, I'm not having a mid-life (or mid-mid-life) crisis or anything of the sort, but I feel like the last 5-7 years have flown by.I'm about to turn 26, Matt and I will be celebrating our 5th year together in Oct, my "little" niece just started high-school, and almost all of my friends are married with children...crazy! I remember being a dumb teenager that wanted time to speed up so she could get married and have kids and be an adult, and now that I'm here I'm trying to slow down. Funny how that works!

All in all though, as I reflect back onto another year, all I can say is that God has had so much provision over my life. I think back to the childhood from hell, and wonder how in the world I turned out semi alright. I see so clearly how God picked me up and called me His and took me out of situations I couldn't have escaped alone. While I still have the lingering issues that were a result of years of emotional abuse (anxeity being the most major) God has healed me in unimaginable ways!

My life as a whole is wonderful! I have an amazing husband that encourages me to follow my dreams, who supports me in every goal, cares for me, and loves me for exactly who I am and what I'm not. I have awesome friends, I'm healthy apart form one stupid thyroid issue (and tennis elbow...lol!), I have a roof over my head and that head is full of dreams, and ideas, and thoughts about life that very few will ever know, I have beautiful secrets, a mess of a past, and more hope for the future then I could put into words. My life is grand. Maybe not by the standards of the world, but even on my worst of days, I'm so immensely blessed that I can't deny who my father is!

So on this day, my last as a 25 year old, all I can say is that I'm whole-heartedly looking forward to the next 25 years, and am so excited to see what God has in store. I'm excited about growing in my friendships, and growing old with my husband. I can't wait to experience all of the things that life throw at us because it's all a part of living, and while I know that things can get ugly, I also know that God has plans for me... for us!

So here's to the last 25 years! May the next be even more richly blessed as God unfolds them!

Celebrating life while mourning a death...

Yesterday was rough! Just as Matt and I were waking up and getting ready to head to Lodi Lake to set up my birthday BBQ lunch, we got a phone call everyone dreads- Matt's uncle had died in a serious motorcycle accident It was an unbelievable shock!I immediately told Matt that we would cancel the party and head to his parents house, but Matt said we should have the BBQ anyway. I was quite hesitent, but Matt insisted. I knew it would be a tough day for everyone.

While the party was nice, there was that constant lingering feeling of sadness and confusion. How do you openly celebrate life when you're in the throws of mourning a death? I sadly have too much experience with this- My aunt died of breast cancer on my 6th birthday, and every year after at any birthday gathering, someone mentions how many years to the day it's been since aunt Sylvia died.

I never know how to act around people when it comes to death. I lost 8 close family members before my 10th birthday, and 11 (including my dad)by my 25th. Death has become such a part of my life that I think it's become harder for me to be comforting to others. Not that I'm not sad and sympathetic towards people that have lost someone, just that I don't know what to say anymore. I've heard all of the awful things that can be said to someone in mourning. I stick to "I'm so sorry" and I ask what I can do to help, but I will never tell someone how it was God's plan or any of that. It's easy enough to blame God when you're hurting without other people telling you to blame God.

All I can say this time, is that I didn't know uncle Eddie well, but I knew he was so greatly in love with, and dedicated to his family! Everyone seemed to have such a huge amount of respect for him, and he will be greatly missed by the entire Sciarini clan! My heart hurts for his wife and children especially, because I know they feel like they've lost the rock of their family. May God take care of them in unimaginable ways!

Because you wish your dog was this cute...

Ok, so I'm slightly obsessed with my dog. I love Sammy (Mobster dog on the left) my in-laws dog too! However, Scout is mine and Matt's baby. One day we'll have human babies, but for now, we are in love with our sweet dog. Around 8 every morning (if Matt and I aren't already up by then. we have strange work hours)he jumps on our bed and cuddles up with us. He carries Matt's socks around the house, and brings us one of his toys when we walk through the door (if he wasn't with us, that dog goes everywhere!!). We can't keep him out of the water, he's a fury water baby! We love him!

Matt and I have been having the baby conversation a lot lately. Not because we're planning anything soon (we're not!) but because we're getting to the age where all of our friends are having babies. We're not the type to do something because everyone else is doing it, and don't respond to outside pressures, but we do think about it more then we would if no one around us had babies (like a brand new baby Micah I'm going to see today!!). Anyway, Matt was saying that having a dog makes having a baby seem less scary. I laughed! I must say we do have the poop, puke, whine, everything in the mouth, into everything part down pat. ;-)

Until that day comes though, we are happy with our sweet pooping, puking, whining, chewing, bundle of fury joy!

Wii have a problem...

When I was younger, I played Tennis quite a bit, but had to stop after my knee injury. Too many direction changes for someone that has a dislocated patella! Well, turns out, you can get Tennis Elbow even if you don't play tennis.

Recently, I've been waking up with extreme pain in my right elbow. It would last a few minutes, and then go away and I'd go back to sleep. Well, I'd finally had enough and called my doctor. He didn't even have to see me! Once I described the pain, he told me that he was sure I was suffering from tennis elbow and to take ibuprofen 3 times a day, and to call if it gets worse. He asked if I was involved in any activity where I use my right arm a lot, and I said no. I had forgotten one little detail...

WII FIT BOXING!!!

I realized that I feel pain in the middle of the night after I do rhythm boxing! So basically, I have a Wii related injury! So, no more boxing for me... :-(

PLAY WITH CAUTION!! :-)

Things that make worship leaders cringe...

I've never laughed so hard I wanted to cry... not happy tears, but frightened tears knowing this is no parody... oy vey!! I wonder why people think Christians are nut jobs??

Fun Food Friday, Sunday Edition.

There are many things I love about Autumn (I normally say "fall" but Jonathan informed me that in England they only say Autumn, so I'm going to try to be Englandy) My Birthday, For instance is usually the first full day of Autumn. I love cooler weather, I love the change of leaves, Halloween (or "harvest" depending on how Christian you are...), thanksgiving, rain, the anticipation that Christmas is coming soon, and pretty much everything that comes with the season.

There is one thing that I REALLY love though, and this year I got to have it slightly sooner then anyone else...

If you're a huge Starbucks fan, Like me, then you might already know this, but....
The Pumpkin Spice Latte is back!! Yay!! :-)

After a trip to IKEA, my friend Nikki and I headed to Starbucks. Well, I had heard a radio commercial that mentioned the PSL and after that had an insatiable desire to consume one. So, I begged the barista (through drive-thru speaker) to make me one a week earlier then they come out. He wouldn't crack. He informed me that they had everything to make them, but weren't allowed to. That is so wrong! If you have the stuff, just make it! Ugh!!

I was finally able to get someone to crack and make me one a few days early at my local store. While I would love to say it was my unique power of persuasion, I'm quite sure I came off super annoying, and she just wanted me to shut-up. Whatever, I got my drink! And I tipped her accordingly! Let me just say right now

It.Was.Heavenly!!

It smelled and tasted of autumn and my stomach turned into a hot pit of sugary goodness.

Sigh...

So, if you haven't partaken in your first PSL of the season. Go now!! You won't be disappointed!

Next Starbucks release I'm looking forward to - Gingerbread Latte! Peppermint Mocha is the best Christmas drink, but you can order one anytime. I save those for December, and December only!

My sad week.

Can I just say right now that last week was awful? I've been suffering from endless migraines, doctors appointments, blood work and all of that fun. I can't even sit in church without getting one. We have this projector that projects different patterns onto the wall during the service, and it triggers a migraine every Sunday. Looks cool though :-)

Then, we found out that we couldn't keep Lanie (the pit bull we rescued and tried to find a new home for). So we had to take her to the SPCA. Actually, I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Matt went with our friend Nikki because technically you have to be a resident of placer county, and there is not an SPCA here , and any other shelter would euthanize her because she's a pit bull. So Nikki used her address for us, which made us feel better knowing that they wouldn't kill her for no good reason. Anyway, that was really hard and I spent the better of two days in tears. In fact, when Matt came back from dropping her off, he was in tears too. It was awful! We were really attached. We kept thinking that maybe we'd find a house, and then be able to keep her. Of course, that didn't happen. She has a better chance now though. really!

We stopped in Sacramento on the way back home hoping a visit to The California State Fair would cheer us up. It did a little. I love the sight and sounds and smells of the fair. We even witnessed the birth of piglets in the animal nursery. Matt wasn't impressed, but I think birth is amazing.

Last week wasn't all bad. one good thing is that our good friend Jonathan came home from London for a visit. It's good to see him, and to be honest, we needed something good to look forward to. It's nice to have him back, except that he leaves again next week and I really hate saying goodbye. I've always hating saying goodbye. But we'll leave next week to next week and live in this week. I'm just glad to be living this week, and am very glad I don't have to relive last week.

Why I think YOU should blog!

To me, blogging keeps community in my life. It's nice to know how other people are doing, and what is going on. I read about things I can pray for, and ask about. I learn the views of others which causes me to question my own views and why I believe what I do (something I believe to be very healthy). I feel like I get a glimpse into the lives of friends.

Also, blogging is fulfilling. I get to journal out things that I'm feeling. I get to share something I think is funny. I get to be honest about my life. I hope that causes others to feel like they can be honest too. I think I'm pretty nice, but I'm not a sugar-coater. I'm sure most people know that. I think that honesty liberates others to be honest as well.

So if you don't blog, try it out! You've got nothing to lose, and rest assured that at least ONE person will probably read (that would be me, of course!!)

Just do it! :-)

And when you do, let me know!!

I accidently came across this...

Talk about a FLOOD of childhood memories!

Out of this World was the BEST!!

Fun Food Friday!! -- Trader Joe's Green Chili and Cheese Tamales!

So, On Fridays I'm going to dedicate my blog to good food!

As of recently, our lives have been a little more hectic. While I'm working less then usual, it still seem that time escapes me. I normally cook dinner, but I find myself exhausted at the end of most days. So on a recent venture to Trader Joe's (a place I find myself visiting more and more often)looking for some healthy convenience foods, I came across these:



One word: YUM!

I don't eat meat, so these are right up my ally. I love Mexican food! But for my carnivore friends (my husband included) they have Chicken and cheese and beef and cheese as well.

It only takes 5 minutes in the microwave. While I've always wanted to learn to make homemade tamales, these are the next best thing until i have the time (and patience) to learn.

So try them! Even if you eat meat, I'm telling you, the green chili are delish! Matt is eating one as I type. If Matt will eat it, it must taste good!

:-)

Last 5 songs on my Zune...

5. Rush Of Fools - We All
4. Yellowcard - Light Up The Sky
3. Tyrone Wells - Sea Breeze
2. Ryan Cabera - In My Life
1. Justin Nozuka - After Tonight

What about you?

Political parties and Cheesecake...

My name is Sarah, and I'm not a Republican. While I am fairly Conservative, I don't like the commitment to one party, so I consistently register as an independent. Well, two weeks ago, I was approached outside of a store to sign a petition. I informed the man that U was sure I had already signed this particular one, but he informed me that some stipulation had been ignored and that they needed people to sign again. So I'm signing, and then he said needed one more signature "for it to count", so I gladly signed. Then he asked me if i want to be registered as a Republican. Unbeknownst to me, he was registering me to vote. I've been meaning to register in Lodi, as I'm registered in Stockton. I didn't think I would essentially be register-raped. Yup, that's what I said. This man was registering me against my will or knowledge. Ugh.

Not being one to like confrontation, I assured myself that it's something I had wanted anyway. So I answered "actually, I'm an independent voter, and would like to be registered as an independent!". He apparently didn't like my answer, as he proceeded to argue with me for the next 5 minutes about registering as a Republican. His argument was a suicidal one, as he claimed it didn't matter how you registered, to which I answered "OK, then I would like to be registered as an independent!". Finally, he said OK, and I went on my way.

Fast forward to yesterday. I receive my registration confirmation in the mail. How am I registered? As a Republican! I cannot tell you how angry this makes me. I want to complain, but who would I complain to? I just hate it when people can't just respect the views of others.

In fun news, A few girls and I made the trek to Sacramento to The Cheesecake Factory to celebrate Lexie's 20th birthday last night. We had some funny, and interesting conversations. I opted out of cheesecake to enjoy a huge piece of Carrot cake. Can you say "Yum"? I love it! It was a nice time!

Oh, one more thing. My computer is BROKEN!!! So if I'm not in contact as much as usual, it's because I have limited computer time until my laptop gets fixed (which should be VERY soon!!),



Peace be with you! :-)

Birth...or...uhhh...period control??

Ok, if you're either squeamish, or a male, this might not be funny to you, but I think it's hilarious! Oh the adventures of birth control...

I know exactly who I am...

Peace. Isn't that what most people strive for? Some sort of inner peace? People have developed many ways of achieving that. Many turn to self-help, meditation, workaholicism (made up words rock), throwing themselves into roles of advocacy for poverty, animal rights, political agendas...yadda yadda. Of couse religion is the "biggie" of the inner peace arena. None of these things are bad in themselves. It's ok to stand up for things, to be "into" this or that. However, many times I think people idenify themselves based on what they stand for, and not who they are.

The reason why the self-help craze is so massive, is because no one is happy with who they are. It seems that most people are wasting their lives trying to become something that they aren't, trying to achive something that is out of reach. Usually this is by means of physical beauty. Everyone wants botox, or a nose job, or lipo, or gastric bypass. Yet most of this people have more to worry about. Inside uglyness is way harder to get rid of then the outside.

I'm a Christian, and while that encompasses a lot of who I am because of the values of the bible, and my relationship with Jesus, I don't think about Jesus 24-7. I watch TV, and I listen to secular music. I am friends with homosexuals, and people that don't believe in anything. I believe that even though "Jesus is coming back", that we should take care of the earth, and be kind to all living things. I'm not into all things "Christian", yet I'm happy with who I am. I think Jesus wants us to be people, with lives and interests. While there are sacrifices that you have to make to follow, Jesus doesn't want us to be religious nuts.

The reason this is so heavy on my mind, is mostly because I've been thinking about all of the things I've been through in the last two years. How I've worried so much about making sure people know that I was lied about and wronged. I was stabbed in the back by pastors, and people that claim to love Jesus. Why? Because I don't want people to think badly of me. Because I'm concerned about what people think. That's where my insecurities bust out of my soul.

I've been doing some heavy soul-searching, talking to friends, bouncing things off of my husband, praying a ton. The conclusion I've come to is "I know exactly who I am". I don't need the validation of other people, I don't need to be liked, it's going to be okay if someone thinks badly of me because I know what my intentions are, I know the truth about my situations. My true friends give me the benefit of the doubt, and those who don't, probably don't know me very well. Not that I don't make mistakes, but when I do, I try to own them.

Thinking about all of this, made me think of a popular country song from a while back.


This is my new anthem. I'm tired of trying to prove myself. Really, if there are people in my life I have to "try" to prove myself to, then they're not people that care about me. If I'm too sensitive for someone, then tough luck :-)

6 years...

I can't believe it, but Thursday will be the 6th anniversary of my dad's death. Every year it seems to sneak up on me. Grief is such an interesting thing. Some days I don't think about it, other days I do and I'm sad. Sometimes I have dreams about him that are so real. Sometimes I forget things about him. On occasion I wish I could have another day. This year, I've just felt numb. After my dad died, my family fell apart even more so then it was before. I didn't just lose my dad, I lost my entire family. Sometimes I wonder if I mourn that more so then the loss of my dad.

I've noticed the past few days that I've been a little depressed. Last night I laid in Matt's lap and just cried. I have an awesome husband that doesn't always try to "fix" me when I'm having a tough time. Instead, he just held me and told me that it's okay. After a few minutes I was fine and laughing again, but I predict that Thursday will be a tough day. I'm ready for it. I'm not planning anything really big for the day, just going to relax. Matt will be at work, which scares me. Being alone with my feelings is scary, but I'm not too worried.

So all in all, I'm feeling okay. Hopefully this cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat thing will be over by the end of the week, and I can look forward to better days.

qué hora es?? qué hora es?? One Semester of Spanish, Spanish Love Song

This is the most funny thing I've seen in a long time!

Enjoy!

Calm yourself...

I'm a huge scaredy cat. I always have been. Anxiety runs so high with me daily, an it is a struggle most of the time to not let it affect my life. You might be saying "Aren't their drugs for that?" and yes, yes their are, but I'm trying to live my life and depend on and trust God more, and I'm so scared that anti-anxiety meds will make me someone I'm not. Maybe that's stupid, but to be honest, I'm not sure what the right answer is.

One thing I have noticed, is starting a new exercise routine has helped. I think it burns off some of the extra energy that would normally be used for a panic attack. though I'm no doctor, and I could be way off base.


I'm learning to trust God more though. I'm learning that the reason I feel so out of control, is because I am. I am not in control of what happens. I think instead of working on being more in control, I need to work on being comfortable with the fact that my life is not my own. It's a really really scary thought, but it's the truth. I can spend my time worried sick, or I can enjoy my life to the fullest while I'm here. You only live once right (not counting eternal life of course) so I want to drink from the fire hose. Really.

Well, I'm going to take the dog for a nice, long walk. It will be good!

~Sarah

Want to feed the hungry?

Is consuming less meat the answer (well at least some of the answer? Maybe!
http://www.goveg.com/environment-wastedResources-food.asp

http://learningtotreadlightly.blogspot.com/

Visit my new blog I'm setting some awesome goals and would love to hear yours too!

Do it, you know you want to!

seaside spiritual highs, and daily life lows.

Last week, Matt and I decided to take a little over-night trip to Santa Cruz. We took Jasmine, and Scout with us. We really had a great time! At one point, I was sitting on the beach, and Matt, Jasmine, and Scout were all playing in the ocean. I couldn't help but to forget all of the issues and problems in my life. I know I'm not the only one to feel close to God in those little moments, but I felt like God took away all of my worries, all the stress, and just allowed me to enjoy him and all of his creation in that little moment. As I sat back and silently witnessed Matt, Jasmine and Scout play in the waves, I felt God tell me to be happy with my family, Because they are my family. I needed that reassurance. Most of the people I'm around are so negative (which I struggle with at times as well) so that little bit of encouragement was enough to "turn my frown up-side-down" ha ha!

Life thoughts have been racing through my brain all weekend. We picked up this sweet puppy while driving down West Lane Thursday night on our way back from the beach. No chip, no collar or tags... nothing. We ended up taking her home.She's a pit bull/lab mix. We call her "Lanie West" (naming her after West Lane...ha ha) My heart bleeds for for animals. Of course, my heart bleeds for people too, but animals have always had a special place in my heart. Of course, because she is a Pit bull, no one will take her. So sad! She is a sweetheart! She is laying at my feet right now and I'm struggling to hold back the tears welling up. Maybe I'm just being over-emotional, but I'm so worried that even if I do find a shelter, that she'll end up either being put to sleep, or being adopted to someone that will mistreat her. It's just not fair. It really, really isn't. Not to mention, it's hard when you're trying to do the right thing, and people around you are so discouraging.

I feel like the two reasons I became a vegetarian are 1) Because meat is filled with awful hormones and things that aren't healthy for us. and 2) Because the conditions that animals are kept in and the way they are treated is deplorable and by eating meat, I'm supporting their efforts. How can I just take her somewhere to be put to death, without being a hypocrite? I can't! UGH!

So, tomorrow I have an appointment at Animal Friends Connection in Lodi. I know that when she finally gets adopted, I will cry my eyes out, but I know it's for the best! Though the other day, when she and Matt were taking a nap together, I wasn't sure if I should think it was sweet, or not look because I know I'm getting attached! Matt loves her and wants her, but again, we cannot have another dog. Honestly. Things are about to get harder as Scout us having his "boy surgery" tomorrow, so he can't play for 10 days, which means we have to keep them separated. Oy Vey!

So if you would like to, I really need some prayer. I've just been having really awful panic attacks and things as of recent, and with all this going on, I know that I'm going to struggle through the next 2 weeks. I need some real rest. I'm so close to calling my doctor for something to help me sleep, but I'm so nervous to take anything. So I ask you for prayer, and if the next two week go the way I'm thinking they might, I may be asking for a gun too....lol!

J.O.Y

I haven't had Internet for DAYS! Needless to say, it's driving me a little crazy. I'm at the in-laws writing today. I say it's a fair trade. :-) Comcast is having a server issue, we just switched to Comcast Saturday. First, bad modem. No connection, so I skipped church Sunday to wait for someone to come back out. Got new modem. Tech informed me that the registration server is down. So we have connection, but our modem has not been registered. No Internet. UGH! I want to scrap the whole thing and start over.

I've been struggling lately. With faith, with frustration, with not really having a family. Of course, I have Matt's family, but I'm not really a part of them, if that makes sense. Joining someone Else's family is hard work, and to be honest, a lot of stuff happened before Matt and I got married that caused me to kind of give up long ago. I love his family and everything, but sometimes I just feel so lonely around them all. I just don't fit in, and for some reason that feeling has been magnified as of lately. I just can't be myself.

I'm not unhappy. I'm actually feeling like God has been giving me actual joy. Joy that no matter what I'm feeling frustrated by, transcends that. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. There are lots of amazing things around me. My husband is seriously great. He's got a tough exterior, but a soft middle. He's so smart, probably the smartest guy I know. Yet he's humble. His humility is the thing that drew me to him. He's not constantly seeking attention. Any guy can be smart and flaunt it, but Matt is a silent smartie. He's such a wonderful gift and I'm so thankful for him. God has provided for me in ways I can't describe.

So all of the other things pale in comparison. My lack of Internet, or family struggles are just things. How thankful I am to know God and to have a relationship with Him. How thankful I am that God can provide joy in hard times! And while some days, I forget how blessed I am, I hope that I can always point my joy back to Him. Even on my blah-est of days!

What would your cardboard sign say?

I've seen this on like 5 different blogs, but never took the time to watch. I'm glad I finally did! You should too!!

Maybe it's just harder then I thought...

Not sure if this picture is funny, or just a little nuts!


So, lately the subject of being a good parent has been on my mind and heart. It's something I think of often, as I'm always picking the brains of my friends that already have kids. When the day comes (and no, there is no news to report...lol)I just want to be ready. The biggest conclusion I've come to is that parenting seems harder then I ever thought.

I think part of the reason I'm interested is because I had few examples good parenting in my life. My parents just weren't there for me when I needed them. I look back on my childhood and young adulthood with few if any fond memories. I wish that wasn't the case. My mom has major depression and is bi-polar. She spent my whole life cutting me down, "canceling" holidays (even throwing our Christmas tree, ornaments and all, out the door more then a few times), telling me how worthless I was and how she never wanted me. To be honest, her words still haunt me. I had an awful 8th grade year. I couldn't focus and didn't even want to go to school because I was so beaten down at home, so then my teachers would get upset at me. So then I was "getting it" from all sides. I wanted to tell someone what was going on at home, but my mom always told me that if I said anything, I'd be taken away and never see anyone again, so I stayed quiet. As an adult, I've chosen to keep her out of my daily life. That in itself scares me about ever being a parent myself. I'm actually not like my mom at all, but the thought that I grew up in that and I'm expected to raise my children differently... that's a major issue for me. What if I end up like her?

I believe that in a lot of ways, my parents just didn't know how to parent. Not to say they never gave good advice (my dad was actually almost always right on target when it came to matters of the heart), they just didn't know that what they were doing and saying had such a profound impact on how I've always felt about myself. One day, the things I do and say are going to have a profound impact on my children. On how they view the world, God, people, and relationships. While I would consider myself a fairly decent advice giver, I know my life doesn't always reflect my own "good advice". Children silently demand that your actions line up with the words you speak. That can be a somewhat scary feeling. Any child, whether it be your own or someone Else's, is always going to listen to your actions before your words. They also ALWAYS catch you if you skip a page in a particularly long bedtime story!! :-)

So while parenting is the next natural step for Matt and I, we still have a lot of learning to do before we go there. However, I do have the "functioning on little sleep" part down pat (it's 1:45am and looks like tonight will be a restless one). For now, playing with the adorable kids all of our friends have is enough for me!! Much less work involved!