Improvement...

I've finally found my home-improvement second wind. I was so burned out by the end of last year that I just quit. I am finally tired enough of eating at the coffee table to finish our dining room. 

I'm pretty obsessed with black and white stripes. My vision for that room was always white walls, black stripes and blue/teal accents. I now have that wall! I am no interior decorator, but its fun to see my vision start to come together. 

We sold our dining room table last year before we moved. It was never my style, and I knew I didn't want to lug something I hated to our new place. I have kept an eye out for a cool antique table that I could refinish, and finally thrifted a great one today. I knew a modern rectangle table would make that room look WAY too modern for my taste. 

I'm excited to see it finished!! 

Warm...

I've, admittedly, never been a big fan of warm weather. I prefer lazy fall mornings. I'm already dreaming of late September. Visions of sitting on the couch wrapped in my favorite chenille throw while sipping a hot, fresh, pumpkin spice latte (extra cinnamon, please?), and perusing through an old book, or a new magazine are dancing around in my head. All this while watching the leaves unhurriedly change from shades of green to crimson and gold as October approaches. Autumn has always held a sacred place in my heart.

For now, I'm in May. The temperature has been inching towards the 100 degree mark. My schedule is getting busier and crazier, and I am gritting my teeth and baring it, but I don't want to. I don't want simply get through something because it's uncomfortable. I want to find beauty-- even in things that aren't my favorite. 

This year I made a summer bucket list. There were a few reasons I decided to do it, but mostly because I want to be more intentional with my time. There have been many seasons, both metaphorically and literally, where I have basically thrown my hands over my ears, squeezed my eyes shut, and yelled "Lalalalala" like a frustrated 3 year old because I didn't want to deal with something that was uncomfortable. What a waste of precious time. 

Living with intention has been a real goal and challenge for me the last few years. Not just simply "getting through" uncomfortable periods of life, but growing and learning through them. I'm sure I couldn't count on 100 hands the lessons I've missed by trying to elude any sort of incommodious circumstances. 

My intention for this summer is fun. I just want to enjoy myself, my friends, my house, and even the dreaded heat. I want to take road trips, an eat cold watermelon with my cousins while we pelt each other with water balloons. I want to spend an entire day swimming in the ocean. I want to spray lemon juice in my hair and sit in the sun. I want to sit on the back porch

eating fresh salad from my garden and watch the dogs play.

I want to be happy. For me, happiness starts with intention. Not hoping, wishing or dreaming-- but actually doing what I know I love.

Maybe Summer will be my new favorite season? 

Fail...

The anxiety monster is at it again. He lurks in the shadows just waiting to squelch any possibility of a good time. It's so frustrating. 

Last night I went to a concert in SF with a  friend. Being a passenger in a car is really hard for me. I'm super nervous when other people drive. That being said, last night me driving was a mistake. 5pm traffic in SF is nerve wrecking! I missed a turn, got lost, went to two different parking garages, and by the end of it, I was a mess. Yup-- over traffic. 

As we sat at dinner, I could feel hives creeping up my face and down my neck. I had tried to hide how anxious I was really feeling because its such a burden on other people, and this was suppose to be a fun night. But you can't hide a face full of hives. Ugh. The entire night I kept stumbling over my words, couldn't think straight, was fumbling with things and in a total fog. 

I've spent my entire day feeling angry and embarrassed. At what, I can only speculate. At myself for not being able to get a grip on my feelings? That I chose to drive? Because a parking attendant was really rude to me? That a friend witnessed my meltdown, and I don't want him to judge me? I really don't know. Maybe a little bit of all of that. 

I'm tempted to never leave the house again. I'm suppose to go back to the Bay Area tomorrow night, but I can't even imagine how I'm going to drag myself there. 

I know these feelings aren't normal. They're annoying and actually really scary. I just don't know what to do about them. 

Keep

Keep my heart safe when I fall. 

Keep my heart safe when I try. 

Keep my heart safe when I'm anxious.

Keep my heart safe when I'm confused.

Keep my heart safe when I don't have words.

Keep my heart safe when I'm honest, even painfully so. 

Keep my heart safe when I'm exhausted. 

Keep my heart safe when You feel far away. 

Help me to love more.

To trust more. 

To know that I'm loved.

To extend that love to those around me.

Thank you for my life.

Thank you for Your blessings.

Thank you for the mud and mire.

Be with me. 

  

Out of the Overflow...

My heart is full today! My week was a bit rough, but I was definitely less anxious this week, which makes a huge difference day to day. I'm so thankful to see this latest cycle of panic start to dwindle. Hoping it ends completely and soon! I have big plans that are not compatible with anxiousness!  

Last night I went out with some work friends. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much-- even to the point of tears! Of course, I'm not sure that people sitting next to us appreciated our veterinary medicine talk-- which can get a little crazy. It was fun! 

Maybe I live a life where I need to have struggles to truly appreciate all the goodness there is. And there is definitely a lot of goodness in my life. 

Good. Bad. Ugly.

Thankfully yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't experience any anxiety or panic. I felt like I could breathe. My thoughts were clear and concise. My heart rate was slow and steady. I smiled and meant it. Lovely! 

Those are the days I live for. They remind me that there is beauty in life's tragic imperfection. I can allow myself to feel my feelings without being consumed by them. Even the typical ebb and flow. 

Then today happened. What started off normal took a sudden turn. A mean comment was hurled in my direction. Like most people, women especially,   I desperately struggle with my self-image. I'm a chubby 31 year old with acne, cellulite, a weird face shape, and stick straight hair. I have to watch YouTube videos to learn how to do anything with my hair, makeup and to learn how to put outfits together. Those things were never taught to me-- and I'm not good at them naturally. 

The last 6 months I've really kept my diet in check. Not without the occasional splurge, but have just tried in general to be more mindful of what I put into my mouth. Last I checked, I was down 26 lbs. Not a huge amount of weight since I have a long way to go, but enough that I was starting not to hate myself so much. I bought some new outfits that made me feel good. That's a huge step. I even tried them on in the store dressing room. I never do that. I always feel like I'm putting pretty curtains up over an ugly window anyway. 

I was drinking Starbucks today. It's the one treat I really allow myself. Mostly because I've been so exhausted lately. I even get it non-fat without whipped cream. That's when the comment came "You know you're fat because you drink that s*** all the time?!" 

I was speechless. I'm still just dumbfounded. Everyone in the room was dead silent. I stood there so mortified. Then I walked out. I mean, what do you say to that? 

When I got home, I started getting all of my smaller clothes out of my closet, and trying them on. I needed to know they fit. I did this in tears, reaming myself for being such a damn screw-up the entire time. Once again I let someone's opinion of me deeply affect my self worth. Then I started hating myself even more. Yay for shame spirals! 

Needless to say, today has been painful. I'm hurt, and angry. I've cried until my face hurt. This is why I hate anxiety so much. We all have days like today, but when anxiousness steals so many days that would otherwise be great, one stolen by someone being an ass (for lack of a better term) makes you sad and angry. 

That said, I see a latte in my near future. X-tra whip, you know, for the haters. 

Going First...

It's hard to describe the million different emotions I've felt this week. Intense fear, relief, peace, stomach-churning anxiety, happiness, and  more vulnerability than I've allowed myself to experience in a very long time. Feelings are uncomfortable-- especially when you're a sensitive Sally like me.  Even more so when you're dealing with an anxiety disorder like I am.

I've been keeping my heart safe. Putting up nearly impenetrable walls in a feeble effort to protect myself from any pain. Diving into work, and our house and distracting myself from life. I got myself into a comfortable routine. For me , panic attacks are nearly non-existent in routine. My mind is so occupied  at work that I don't panic there. A solid 8 hours of sleep, and a hot bath keeps me grounded. It's when I'm alone, tired and vulnerable-- a bundle of thoughts, concerns and insecurities. It's an internal terror that I don't ever want to face. I'm in tears just writing that. It controls me. Churning inside of my heart and mind until I would do almost anything to make it stop. It's a desperately painful cycle. The more panic attacks I have, the more overall anxious I become.  It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. Just waiting for impact. All. The. Time.

This week threw me out of my routine. Both beautifully and painfully so. I experienced some reconciliation in a relationship. If I were being totally honest. I'd say I'm terrified. I know that there will be bumps, and expectations. I know how broken I am when it comes to relationships. The older you get, the more aware of your faults you become. I'm aware-- very aware of my shortcomings. I don't want to mess things up. I really hope I don't. Really.

We had family in town this week. I didn't eat well. I didn't sleep well. I let tense situations get to me, and have paid in panic attacks. I've spent time alone in tears all while assuring others that I'm okay. Even tonight. even with Matt. I'm tired of burdening people with it. At the same time I know how important it is for me to be honest about it. I want to go first. I want to make my issue a sorce of comfort for people that struggle with the same things. I want people to know that I'm not perfect. I find the most freedom in that. I want others to feel that freedom.

If I were honest, I would admit that I feel like I'm drowning. I forgot how terrible the panic makes me feel. Or how much of a pretty face I put on because I don't want people to know, or worry about me.

If I were honest, I'd say I don't know what to do. I can't always control my routine. Does that mean I'm always going to struggle with this?

If I were honest, I would tell you how much I just want to run away. But I know from experience that that doesn't fix a thing.

I'm a total hypocrite. Not even 24 hours ago I was doling out advice based on my struggles. Advice that I've clearly ignored today. That makes me angry at myself.

I have to figure this out.

Keep Suckin' 'Till You Do Suck Seed!

   I received some good news today. Sometimes you get news that makes your heart jump a bit out of your chest, followed by an almost nauseating excitement. That was me today. My heart is happy, and I've accomplished something I set out to do. It's a good feeling!

  Am I the only one that self-sabotages my success? I consider myself to be a play-it-safe kind of person. It's only in the last few years that I've taken more risks. I'm more honest with people-- even if it means being unpopular. I'm more honest with myself, even when I hate to admit the truth to myself, and I put myself out there more often, even if I may fail. It's not easy for me-- but like fine wine, I've improved with age. That being said, mere minutes after feeling happy and excited, I freaked out. What if I'm not good enough? What if I've done my very best only to be critiqued --critically so-- by those better than I am? Stupid brain!

  Then the self-pity kicked in. "Matt will be the only one happy for me" I whined to myself. And you know what, maybe that's true. When you don't really have family, and you're so low maintenance that your friends often forget that you exist, you can feel lonely. I feel lonely like that a lot. Why can't my own excitement be the only excitement I need? Ugh.

  Maybe success isn't as comfortable than I wanted or expected. But its success none the less. That being said-- I'm happy again. I'm thankful that God made me who I am-- and call it confidence, or pride, but I'm happy for me. I needed this!

 

One of the Best...

My birthday week has come and gone. I was actually sad to see it go this year. I can't recall a better birthday-- really! Who knew being 31 could be so fun?

We left early Monday morning, and made it to Hollywood by 11am. Neither of us had ever really been (besides a trip to universal studios a very long time ago). It was so so crowded! What we didn't know is there was a free Paul McCartney concert going on that night, (and Justin Timberlake the next) so needless to say we didn't do the sightseeing we expected. Not to mention, Hollywood isn't that exciting for people that don't get Starstruck. I, sadly, don't get very excited about celebrities. The industry is fascinating though!

We escaped the crazy Hollywood traffic, and headed to downtown Disney for lunch. Because of some tweeks to my work schedule, I had to be home earlier than I planned, so we decided against visiting Disneyland. It was a bit sad, but I can't just go for one day! We opted to go to our hotel, which was a really nice suite. We took a nap, watched TV, went swimming, ate pizza, talked, and went to sleep. It was a perfectly simple night

My birthday morning, we woke up early, and met some friends at Storytellers cafe. We ate yummy food, and I got a cute little Mickey cupcake! Matt was able to get us guaranteed tickets for The Big Bang Theory filming for that night, so we headed to Burbank, and walked around for awhile. The Standby line for the show was HUGE! We love the show, probably for the same reason everyone else does. It's nerdy, funny but mostly, it's smart. While Im not a movie-watcher, I like TV shows. Low commitment, funny, and if you miss an episode you're usually okay! I've liked The Big Bang Theory since it started. My aunt and uncle introduced us to it, and we've been hooked since.

We were in line, and once they saw tickets, we were ushered to the front of the line, which I, of course, felt guilty about (because that's how I roll) but Matt reminded me that it was my birthday, and it's okay to be excited. I have to be reminded, and had to be reminded again after only 23 of the at least 200 people in the standby line were admitted I the show. Crazy!

While we were walking to the studio, Matt was stopped twice by Warner Brothers employees because they thought he was Sean Hayes (Will and Grace, Sean Saves the World). He really does look like him-- it's uncanny! Once we got in, we were pretty amazed by the sets! They were so small compared to what they look like on TV. Again, as much as I don't get starstruck, I was really giddy about being behind the scenes! It's so interesting!

We were seated right in front of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, where most of the scenes are filmed, which was nice! Before they started filming, they showed us the episode "The Scavenger Vortex" , which is on tonight! It hadn't been edited to fix sound, but it was really funny! Once it was over, they introduced the cast, then they started shooting.

The episode was called "The Workplace Proximity". Amy gets a job at Sheldon's university, and Sheldon decides he doesn't want her to work there. It's pretty funny! What was interesting is that they tweaked jokes around-- actually rewrote them right there if we, as the audience, weren't responding as well as they wanted. That was a cool process to watch! Especially because we don't know which jokes they kept or tossed, so watching the episode will be interesting! They shot each scene at least twice. Jim Parsons had a ton of lines, and fumbled far more than anyone else. However, he was really serious, and apologetic to his fellow cast mates. He had just won an Emmy-- maybe all that partying took its toll!

Mark Sweet (famous hypnotist, comedian) was our warm-up guy.. He was quite funny, but the audience participation was too much for me. It was loud, and my head was killing me because of it! I didn't need to be entertained, I was already being entertained! Everything they did in set was so precise. They make it seem perfectly unrehearsed, but it's truly a well-oiled machine.

Filming lasted a little over two hours, with a food break in between. They fed us pizza and water, which was good considering we hadn't eating in quite some time! We got out a little after 9, then drove the 5 hours home. We're so glad we or away-- even for a night!  It was truly a great Birthday!

A Big Bang of a Birthday!

31.

Wow!

I never thought I would have lived as many years as Baskin Robbins has flavors. Here I am on the cusp of my 31st year of life. I'm happy, I'm blessed, and no matter what craziness is around me, I feel truly thankful for everything I have. I've always talked about how much provision God has had over my life. It's true! I can look back and see sudden changes in the course of my life that shouldn't have happened. They can only be explained by God. That truly amazes me.

I can honestly say, I'm not where I thought I would be at 31. I thought I would be a stay-at-home mom with 2.5 kids and a mini van. When I was 25 I thought that would make me happy. That was my dream life. In 6 short years everything changed. My hopes and dreams changed, and while a family is still part of the plan, becoming a Veterinarian is also part of that plan. It's an exciting time in my life. I'm even working with two recent UC Davis DVM grads that have been giving me lots of pointers for when I start applying! I'm so so happy! I'm also happy to say that I've only had two (!) panic attacks in the last month! Whew! Seriously amazing!

So tomorrow morning Matt and I head to LA for a couple of days to celebrate. Matt amazingly scored us tickets to see a taping of The Big Bang Theory taping of my Birthday, and made brunch plans at Storyteller's Café with some friends that are already in Disneyland. Yay for 31st birthdays! Hoping for another 31+ years!