Fulfillment...

In life there are many things we have to do. Many rules we have to adhere to, many expectations to live up to. For a lot of years I lived life for other people. I strived to please everyone and would bend over backwards to make people feel happy. I got satisfaction from feeling like I was providing for a need, or just making someones day a bit brighter.

Over the years, that enthusiasm has faded. Not for the people I'm close to, but for people that liked me only because of the things I did, and not because of who I am. I'll be the first to admit-- I'm on the quirky side. My humor is weird, dry and feeble, I've had a lot of crazy stuff happen in my life, and sometimes that makes me unrelateable, I'm both outgoing and painfully shy depending on the situation. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be everyone's cup of tea.

When you've valued yourself based on your value to others for years, it can cause you to feel unfulfilled. Any feeling based on the feeling of another is bound to waver on occasion. For me, this is where I felt God stepped in. There was a few years ago that a lot of my "friendships" seemed to crumble. Of course, I was the common denominator, and my self worth plummeted. I really started to examine why this was happening. It took me a while, but I realized why these relationships were failing. It was because I was no longer making as much effort. I didn't actually realize it, but I was just distracted with being a wife, a good friend to my closest friends, and working. I was taking care of me for one of the first times in my life.

While those days were filled with hurt (who wants to feel like people hate them?) I'm in a way better place. I feel like I've found my voice.  I stand up for myself, and if something is bothering me, I speak up. It's not popular, but no longer allowing people to say whatever they want, or have giant expectations is worth every second. Thank the good lord for boundaries!

Love.

Love has always been a hard concept for me to understand. I'm not sure how "normal" that is since nothing in my life has ever been normal. I think about the different kinds of love fairly often. I also think about how to practice love as well. I feel like maybe it shouldn't be as difficult as I make it. 

 I grew up in a house where love was not present. Not between my parents, not between my sister and I, and not between my sister and I and my parents. "I love you" was not a phrase spoken in our house. I grew up not thinking, but knowing that I was considered an unwanted burden. I was told that I was a "mistake" all the time. My mother blamed me because she married my dad when she found out she was pregnant with me. 

How that crap tends to stick with you! 

My first experience with love came from going to church when I was 11. I was told about a God that "loved" me. But I didn't even really understand what that meant. I remember someone explaining that even if I was the only person on earth, he still would've died for me because he loved me so much. I still don't believe that. Call it poor self-esteem if you will, but I can't even imagine that being true. As much as I can say I have a deep relationship with God, the love the love stuff is still a tough pill to swallow. It just doesn't even compute. 

My second real experience with love has been with Matt. Growing up in a loveless house really screws with every relationship. It took me a long time to tell him I loved him. I still openly question his love for me, even though I know in my head that he does, my heart struggles. When you feel unloveable, of course you question how someone can love you. I put him through the ringer questioning his love for me all the time. He, somewhat patiently, puts up with this, and I figure if I can't recognize love in a normal form, then I can recognize that even though I question his love, he keeps loving me. He doesn't leave. He just keeps trying to tell me. Maybe one day I'll understand. 

I definitely struggle with "loving my enemy". I have a hard enough time feeling like I adequately love  my friends and family. Somehow no matter how much effort I've put into enemy love, it has never panned out well. 

My biggest struggle is the idea of having a child, and knowing how to show them love, and affection. I feel exceedingly inadequate. Not to mention that neither of our families are particularly "loving". I don't really know what the right thing is when you struggle with love. Do you pursue a family and pray that you learn how to love correctly? Do you just not go there because you don't want to screw another person up as much as you're screwed up? I have no idea. It's not that I don't believe I am incapable of love, as much as I don't have that parental love to reflect back on. That scares me.

Oh the thoughts you wake up with at 4am! 

Concerts, Shootings, and Space.

Matt and I just spent a long weekend enjoying the nice weather of Monterey, and the music of Spirit West Coast. We enjoyed a ton of concerts, and working with K-Love radio for the weekend . Getting away is always a huge blessing to me! I thrive when I'm away from my crazy life. I wish I could be a professional vacationer!

The timing of our trip couldn't have been better! Late Wednesday night, Matt and I were packing up our car for our trip, when I heard people outside arguing. Our house is in a pretty quiet neighborhood, but the apartments across the street, like most apartments in Stockton, are a bit sketch. We hadn't had a single problem until then. Matt went outside just being a bit nosey, when one guy pulled out a gun and shot the other guy. Thankfully Matt heard the click of the gun before the first shot was fired and was able to get into the house and on the floor, but holy cupcakes was it terrifying! I quickly scrambled to find my phone and called the police. We had at least 8 police cars and an ambulance in front of our house within a couple of minutes. The victim was taken by ambulance, and I guess was expected to be okay. Matt was interviewed by the police for awhile, and then needless to say, we left.

I'd be lying if I said that having a shooting right in front of our house didn't make me anxious, but I've handled it much better than I expected. In fact, besides a few random panic attacks (like last night when I woke up with knee pain and convinced myself I have bone cancer...), I've been way way less anxious in general. Though I would probably attribute my newfound not-so-anxiousness to avoiding both people and situations that stress me out. I have someone in my life that scrutinizes and criticizes everything I do, and simply not being around them has done wonders for my stress level! Who knew? 

Now that we're back to real life, I've thrown myself back into the world of Veterinary medicine, and out of school-- at least for the semester. Examining x-rays, assisting surgeries, and drawing lots and lots of blood is how my days are spent. I wouldn't have it any other way! 

Character is (hopefully) not dead...

Being the anxious girl I am, I'm often a bit taken back by the world we live in. It can be a scary place. That being said, I feel like my life is pretty safe. I'm healthy, we live in a pretty quiet part of town, I married someone I knew for years before our relationship became romantic, and I am cautious by nature. I realize that any security is a false sense of security. Bad things happen unexpectedly all the time. I try to keep that in the corner of my mind. I like the idea of being more realistic and less surprised (about an hour after starting this blog I found out my identity was stolen...talk about timing...).

I tend to forget about my security, and how fortunate I am to have it. However, I was reminded last week while on my way to a concert with some older, single friends. We talked at length about romantic relationships, and how much harder they are when you're older. I was only 24 when Matt and I were married. He was my first serious boyfriend. I didn't go through any heartache, or break-ups. Again, my life has been safe. For these girls--they've endured the fix-ups, the comments about "not getting any younger" (which is annoying--Matt and I get that one all the time because we don't have kids), the assumptions that they are now too "set in their ways" for a relationship. Not to mention the bad dates with weird guys. I never considered how it is to find a good relationship.


All that being said, I don't believe character is dead. When I think about these awesome women, I remember that there are probably some really awesome single men that have had their share of comments, and bad experiences too. More than anything though, I think that these women will be just fine even if they never find that guy. They are independent, creative, smart and wonderful people. They go out and have fun, and are happy! Their singleness is not built on dysfunction, but that they'd rather be single than settle. I like that.

 I learned my own lesson from our concert-bound conversation. That we have a choice to be happy and live a good life despite our circumstances. Waiting around for things to change and not allowing ourselves to enjoy the right now is a waste of a good life. Thank you my sweet, amazing single friends! You rock!

New Adventures in Home Ownership!

Being a home-owner is pretty sweet. Sure, it is fraught with hard work. Evidenced by forgetting our new trash schedule, our sink backing up into our bathtub, and waking up to half of our walnut tree in the street. That being said, it has been a huge answer to prayer. For years we weren't really sure where we wanted to end up. While we know Stockton is not going to be our forever home, we still have some years here. We were definitely growing out of apartment life, and I was sure tired of half of our belongings living in storage. Our dogs were practically begging for a bigger yard, Matt needed some garage space, I wanted an area to be crafty (thanks Pinterest), and since the "will we or won't we" baby talk officially begun, it was a no-brainer.

After everything we went through to get this house, I could cry every time we walk in the door. I wake up so thankful that it's really ours. It's glorious, albeit humble, but it is ours. While I'm really looking forward to the day when I feel like the work is finished, We are enjoying the process. It really is a ton of fun! As long as our air conditioner keeps pumping out cold air (can you believe this HOT weather?) I will continue to love our little house!

Whew!

What a week! Finally starting to catch my breath just to be hit with this coming busy week. Busy isn't bad-- just hectic. It's good to have so much to do! Especially for me, since I tend to let thinking get the best of me. I need the distraction to function!

My week started out pretty fun! I've been doing some volunteering with different Christian music events, and last Sunday was Air 1's Club Awesome tour. It was fun, and really made me miss my radio days... for about 5 minutes. Ha! Setting up, talking to listeners, escorting people around. It was a nice blast from the past. I'm excited to do more work with the Promotions Manager-- she is great!

The rest of the week was filled with birthday parties, work on the house, Matt's niece's 8th graduation, more work on the house, and finally commenced with a double-date of mini-golf, arcade games, and dinner at the Macaroni Grill. It was a needed fun event! Matt and I have spent a LOT of time together lately, it's just all been work. I was ready for a break with him!

This week we move! WooHoo! We still have MUCHO work to do, but thankfully the work is all stuff we can do as we go. Everything is coming along so nicely. I've had to convince myself to just enjoy it, and not let myself wonder how long it will last. I like to change things up, and between moving into our new house, thinking about our future, eliminating a source of drama and uber frustration from my life, and learning to make myself a priority, that is a LOT of change-up. I'm ready for it. I've needed it! The panic attacks and anxiety are still there. Which really sucks. But for whatever reason, this is a season I just need to deal with. For the first time in a long time, there is brightness on the horizon. I'm not letting the people and things that normally get me down have power over me and it feels good.

Here is to more busy (but good) days ahead!

Work...

Dang, owning a house is work!

Ha.

 


But seriously! This week we decided that we would try to get everything done. We failed. Turns out working on a house that has been vacant for over two years is only slightly within our spectrum of ability thus making it just easy enough to do ourselves, and hard enough to wish we had hired someone.

We were so thankful that so many people offered to help us sand our floors, paint and clean up the
yard. Then our house closed and the offers stopped.  Ha! That fact made this week interesting! It's okay, really. Slowly but surly as people that said they'd help backed out, our appreciation for our house grew. Strange, but true. Matt is SO proud of the floors he painstakingly sanded all on his own. While Matt has been working on the livability, I've been working on the look of everything, and making it feel like our home. Picking out paint colors, planting flowers and visiting every decorating blog known to man. Not to mention carefully picking and choosing through my Pinterest boards. It's honestly been great!

While we haven't moved in, we're just SO excited. It's a new journey for us. A welcome journey in a slew of unwelcome journeys we've been walking through. Both a bit of brightness and a bit of a
distraction. When you've been walking through fog for so long, you start to forget that the good stuff is out there too-- it just doesn't always come easy. Sometimes you have to trudge through all the crap first. It reminds me of a trip to LA Matt and I took a few years ago. We left on a foggy January evening, and drove through horrible fog for hours with no end in sight. I can hardly describe how great it felt when half-way over the Grapevine it was suddenly clear! It was like a weight lifted, and we both took a big breath because up until that point it was intense. That's how we feel now. A big sigh of relief. It's a nice change of pace!

I sure hope the feeling stays for a while!

The Trifecta Effect-a.

I'm exhausted. Everything going on my my life has decided to compile into one long week. Friday my Mother-in-law had surgery. She is fine, thankfully, but the recovery period is rough, and taking care of someone recovering from surgery is hard. I haven't slept well in four days, and I'm realizing how much that affects my mental sharpness and my ability to deal with normal stressors. Matt was able to take a couple of days off to help, and has been amazing though he is tired too. Yesterday I forgot my ATM pin number while trying to pay for groceries, tried to pay for my coffee twice, looked frantically for my cell phone while I was talking on it, and put away a plate in the fridge. I really need some sleep, but I seriously don't have time.

Our house is suppose to close this week. This transaction has be riffed with complications, and has been incredibly stressful. Our (awesome) realtor told me that in the 15 years she has been an agent she has never had so many issues that were not buyer related. Our life is packed in boxes and in storage. I'm so ready to be done. SO ready. We're not even in our house and a family member is trying to control what we do and how we do it-- even offering to pay for things to have them his way, then bursting out in anger when we say no, and trying to control it behind our backs. SO fun.

I'm scheduled to take the GRE test on Friday, and while I'm excited to get it done, I'm also fully aware that I won't be able to devote myself to studying this week. Between everything we having going on-- plus a slice of family drama on top and I just don't know if I can do it. I wish it didn't make me so upset, but sometimes it's hard to not be upset when you're responsible for so much while others don't take any responsibility at all. This is how it always seems to work. Many hands make the work light, but few make it heavy, and things are feeling heavy right now. Must figure our how to catch a break. Hopefully soon.

Heroes

It always strikes me as interesting whenever I watch an interview with someone that is hailed a hero after a particularly courageous or quick-thinking act that saves another from tragedy. As if they've been coached by the gods of humility themselves, they all say the same thing "Oh, I'm not a hero, anyone would've one what I did." I think most of the time they're right. I think the human race in general is one of compassion. Maybe not the most common belief about people, but I do believe that.

While I believe that those people are indeed heroes, I don't think they're the only kind of heroes. I'm not trying to lessen the greatness of a good deed done in the face of crisis. That is a truly admirable thing that should be appreciated and recognized. Especially when one risks his life for another, or in some cases gives his life for another. It's the ultimate sacrifice.

I was recently at a staff meeting for a non-profit Matt and I volunteer with. We were talking about how to really reach the kids we work with, and my friend, Robert, talked about laying his life down for them. It not like this was a new concept. How many times have I been in church and heard the pastor preach about John 15:13, about "greater love"? For some reason on that night it truly hit me. I need to lay down my life.

I started thinking about how to lay my life down for the people around me. I stopped thinking about big things and started thinking about being in the trenches with people. Laying down my life when it's hard. Laying my life down by being a good friend. Laying my life down when things are mundane. Laying my life down by filling practical needs for people. Laying my life down without recognition. Laying my life down by being a good listener. Laying my life down when it's inconvenient and taxing.

Laying down your life is not putting people and their needs on a shelf. It's not being ridged and rehearsed. It's not just swooping down to save the day when it's convenient. It's not to gain attention, or position. It's not in inauthentic humility. It's not only in the big things, but in the day to day.

Laying down your life, is just that-- Laying down anything you can receive in sacrifice and devotion to another.

And Another Cycle...

Over the last week my panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. After almost two months of only mild anxiety, I, small-mindedly, thought that season must be over. Obviously I was wrong. Bummer!

A series of painful headaches, and dizzy spells have had me pretty wrapped up in thinking something was very wrong with me. On a particularly stressful day of paperwork related to the purchase of our house, I became so dizzy at our Realtors house that I just sat down on the floor cupping my head in my hands, and praying for it to stop. The sweet Indian mother she is immediately brought me a glass of water, and some interestingly delicious crackers. It took almost 20 minutes for me to feel okay. It was madness. My anxiety has always manifested physically. Even my Thyroid condition came up during a really hard, stressful time in my early adulthood. I've always believed that it manifested as a result of constant stress.

I read a really interesting article the other day. Yes, very interesting, but also scary to me. It was talking about the way God brings people to himself-- how he allows certain trials into our lives so we have to look to Him. That His idea of  all things working for our good vastly differ from what we would ask for ourselves. While something in me hates to admit that this has worked, since there are days all I have is Him to get my through, the other part of me is just thankful that I have a source of hope. At the risk of sounding like a suicide risk, I was just telling Matt the other day that I now understand why people with severe anxiety and depression often take their own lives. It is torture to feel helpless to something everyday. During the worst panic attack I've ever had (complete with Matt telling me he was calling 911) I stopped praying that God would help me, and started praying he would take me. That was the night I realized how severe my problem was becoming.

Now that I've educated myself, and have taken the right steps to get the right help, things don't feel as out of control. Even the duration of the attacks have dwindled down from sometimes 2-3 hours of severe "freak out" to 10-20 minutes and not quite as scary as they were. This time I've only woken Matt up once in the middle of the night scared, while between August and October that number was 26 times. So things are slowly getting better, and I'm still married, so that's a bonus!

While I still wish that God would heal me from this, I am also trying to believe that this is Him giving me what I need. Why I need it, I don't know, but I will try my best to Honey Badger through it! :-)