Fulfillment...

In life there are many things we have to do. Many rules we have to adhere to, many expectations to live up to. For a lot of years I lived life for other people. I strived to please everyone and would bend over backwards to make people feel happy. I got satisfaction from feeling like I was providing for a need, or just making someones day a bit brighter.

Over the years, that enthusiasm has faded. Not for the people I'm close to, but for people that liked me only because of the things I did, and not because of who I am. I'll be the first to admit-- I'm on the quirky side. My humor is weird, dry and feeble, I've had a lot of crazy stuff happen in my life, and sometimes that makes me unrelateable, I'm both outgoing and painfully shy depending on the situation. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be everyone's cup of tea.

When you've valued yourself based on your value to others for years, it can cause you to feel unfulfilled. Any feeling based on the feeling of another is bound to waver on occasion. For me, this is where I felt God stepped in. There was a few years ago that a lot of my "friendships" seemed to crumble. Of course, I was the common denominator, and my self worth plummeted. I really started to examine why this was happening. It took me a while, but I realized why these relationships were failing. It was because I was no longer making as much effort. I didn't actually realize it, but I was just distracted with being a wife, a good friend to my closest friends, and working. I was taking care of me for one of the first times in my life.

While those days were filled with hurt (who wants to feel like people hate them?) I'm in a way better place. I feel like I've found my voice.  I stand up for myself, and if something is bothering me, I speak up. It's not popular, but no longer allowing people to say whatever they want, or have giant expectations is worth every second. Thank the good lord for boundaries!