Love.

Love has always been a hard concept for me to understand. I'm not sure how "normal" that is since nothing in my life has ever been normal. I think about the different kinds of love fairly often. I also think about how to practice love as well. I feel like maybe it shouldn't be as difficult as I make it. 

 I grew up in a house where love was not present. Not between my parents, not between my sister and I, and not between my sister and I and my parents. "I love you" was not a phrase spoken in our house. I grew up not thinking, but knowing that I was considered an unwanted burden. I was told that I was a "mistake" all the time. My mother blamed me because she married my dad when she found out she was pregnant with me. 

How that crap tends to stick with you! 

My first experience with love came from going to church when I was 11. I was told about a God that "loved" me. But I didn't even really understand what that meant. I remember someone explaining that even if I was the only person on earth, he still would've died for me because he loved me so much. I still don't believe that. Call it poor self-esteem if you will, but I can't even imagine that being true. As much as I can say I have a deep relationship with God, the love the love stuff is still a tough pill to swallow. It just doesn't even compute. 

My second real experience with love has been with Matt. Growing up in a loveless house really screws with every relationship. It took me a long time to tell him I loved him. I still openly question his love for me, even though I know in my head that he does, my heart struggles. When you feel unloveable, of course you question how someone can love you. I put him through the ringer questioning his love for me all the time. He, somewhat patiently, puts up with this, and I figure if I can't recognize love in a normal form, then I can recognize that even though I question his love, he keeps loving me. He doesn't leave. He just keeps trying to tell me. Maybe one day I'll understand. 

I definitely struggle with "loving my enemy". I have a hard enough time feeling like I adequately love  my friends and family. Somehow no matter how much effort I've put into enemy love, it has never panned out well. 

My biggest struggle is the idea of having a child, and knowing how to show them love, and affection. I feel exceedingly inadequate. Not to mention that neither of our families are particularly "loving". I don't really know what the right thing is when you struggle with love. Do you pursue a family and pray that you learn how to love correctly? Do you just not go there because you don't want to screw another person up as much as you're screwed up? I have no idea. It's not that I don't believe I am incapable of love, as much as I don't have that parental love to reflect back on. That scares me.

Oh the thoughts you wake up with at 4am!