Sunday, August 3, 2008

I know exactly who I am...

Peace. Isn't that what most people strive for? Some sort of inner peace? People have developed many ways of achieving that. Many turn to self-help, meditation, workaholicism (made up words rock), throwing themselves into roles of advocacy for poverty, animal rights, political agendas...yadda yadda. Of couse religion is the "biggie" of the inner peace arena. None of these things are bad in themselves. It's ok to stand up for things, to be "into" this or that. However, many times I think people idenify themselves based on what they stand for, and not who they are.

The reason why the self-help craze is so massive, is because no one is happy with who they are. It seems that most people are wasting their lives trying to become something that they aren't, trying to achive something that is out of reach. Usually this is by means of physical beauty. Everyone wants botox, or a nose job, or lipo, or gastric bypass. Yet most of this people have more to worry about. Inside uglyness is way harder to get rid of then the outside.

I'm a Christian, and while that encompasses a lot of who I am because of the values of the bible, and my relationship with Jesus, I don't think about Jesus 24-7. I watch TV, and I listen to secular music. I am friends with homosexuals, and people that don't believe in anything. I believe that even though "Jesus is coming back", that we should take care of the earth, and be kind to all living things. I'm not into all things "Christian", yet I'm happy with who I am. I think Jesus wants us to be people, with lives and interests. While there are sacrifices that you have to make to follow, Jesus doesn't want us to be religious nuts.

The reason this is so heavy on my mind, is mostly because I've been thinking about all of the things I've been through in the last two years. How I've worried so much about making sure people know that I was lied about and wronged. I was stabbed in the back by pastors, and people that claim to love Jesus. Why? Because I don't want people to think badly of me. Because I'm concerned about what people think. That's where my insecurities bust out of my soul.

I've been doing some heavy soul-searching, talking to friends, bouncing things off of my husband, praying a ton. The conclusion I've come to is "I know exactly who I am". I don't need the validation of other people, I don't need to be liked, it's going to be okay if someone thinks badly of me because I know what my intentions are, I know the truth about my situations. My true friends give me the benefit of the doubt, and those who don't, probably don't know me very well. Not that I don't make mistakes, but when I do, I try to own them.

Thinking about all of this, made me think of a popular country song from a while back.

This is my new anthem. I'm tired of trying to prove myself. Really, if there are people in my life I have to "try" to prove myself to, then they're not people that care about me. If I'm too sensitive for someone, then tough luck :-)


Jamie Stavenger said...

I've always loved how authentic you are. Be yourself...because you're AWESOME!

nikki said...

Amen sista!! You are a huge blessing in my life! You have taught me so much! Thank you for being you and for pushing me to be a better me. Love you!