Monday, April 7, 2008

Wearing tears like jewelry...


I've been alone a lot in the last 5 days. I actually enjoy it. Though I would love to have Matt home much more often, I've found a hint of beauty in loneliness. I enjoy silence. I like to be alone with my thoughts and feelings sometimes. I know, that is a bit sappy, I can't help it though.

My whole life I've been told how overly sensitive I am. Since my early teen years, I've been trying to "man up" so to speak. I've tried closing off the flow of water that tends to run so closely to the surface of my eyes. I just can't. 5 years ago, if you asked me what I wanted to change about me, my answer would be my sensitivity. The fact that for years I've been labeled as a "crier" which means everything I say is dismissed as an "exaggeration" or that I'm "just being emotional". I would love to be taken seriously. Just once when I'm hurt, I want my side to be taken as accurate, not as a situation distorted by my over-sensitivity. If you asked me today, it's the last thing I would change. my heart is the bleeding type. While there are down-sides to being sensitive, there are great things about it as well. This is who I am.

Yesterday, I found myself in church. Alone. That was the first time I've gone alone in months maybe even a year. I almost chickened out and went with my pastor's wife, but I decided I needed to do it for me. One of the first announcements had the tears flowing. It wasn't an especially moving announcement. It was for me though. It was like getting a bad burn and then sticking it under hot water. Painful. I'm learning that getting burned is never fun. And depending on the degree of the burn, it can take a long time to heal. I'm wondering if I can heal standing next to the fire that burned me to begin with. It was a fire that kept me warm for years. That's why I'm so confused. I guess I'm not allowed to feed the fire, so maybe I should find a new one? Maybe it's my fault for getting to close to begin with?

Main Entry: 1sen·si·tive
Pronunciation: \ˈsen(t)-sə-tiv, ˈsen(t)s-təv\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Medieval Latin sensitivus, probably alteration of sensativus, from sensatus sensate
Date: 15th century
1: sensory 2
2 a: receptive to sense impressions b: capable of being stimulated or excited by external agents (as light, gravity, or contact)
3: highly responsive or susceptible: as a (1): easily hurt or damaged; especially : easily hurt emotionally (2): delicately aware of the attitudes and feelings of others b: excessively or abnormally susceptible : hypersensitive c: readily fluctuating in price or demand d: capable of indicating minute differences : delicate e: readily affected or changed by various agents (as light or mechanical shock) f: highly radiosensitive
4 a: concerned with highly classified government information or involving discretionary authority over important policy matters b: calling for tact, care, or caution in treatment : touchy
5: having or showing concern for a specified matter

1 comment:

Nokomis said...

I think we must be lost sisters! I am totally the same although the loneliness usually gets to me! I have a hard time shutting out the fear the comes up when I am alone. I totally understand how you feel about sensitivity! I think it is one of your best qualities and it sets you apart from others. It is one of the things that draws people to you (which is sometimes difficult as it brings a lot of drama). You have a way of touching people's hearts. I am so grateful for you!