Wearing tears like jewelry...

I've been alone a lot in the last 5 days. I actually enjoy it. Though I would love to have Matt home much more often, I've found a hint of beauty in loneliness. I enjoy silence. I like to be alone with my thoughts and feelings sometimes. I know, that is a bit sappy, I can't help it though.

My whole life I've been told how overly sensitive I am. Since my early teen years, I've been trying to "man up" so to speak. I've tried closing off the flow of water that tends to run so closely to the surface of my eyes. I just can't. 5 years ago, if you asked me what I wanted to change about me, my answer would be my sensitivity. The fact that for years I've been labeled as a "crier" which means everything I say is dismissed as an "exaggeration" or that I'm "just being emotional". I would love to be taken seriously. Just once when I'm hurt, I want my side to be taken as accurate, not as a situation distorted by my over-sensitivity. If you asked me today, it's the last thing I would change. my heart is the bleeding type. While there are down-sides to being sensitive, there are great things about it as well. This is who I am.

Yesterday, I found myself in church. Alone. That was the first time I've gone alone in months maybe even a year. I almost chickened out and went with my pastor's wife, but I decided I needed to do it for me. One of the first announcements had the tears flowing. It wasn't an especially moving announcement. It was for me though. It was like getting a bad burn and then sticking it under hot water. Painful. I'm learning that getting burned is never fun. And depending on the degree of the burn, it can take a long time to heal. I'm wondering if I can heal standing next to the fire that burned me to begin with. It was a fire that kept me warm for years. That's why I'm so confused. I guess I'm not allowed to feed the fire, so maybe I should find a new one? Maybe it's my fault for getting to close to begin with?


Main Entry: 1sen·si·tive
Pronunciation: \ˈsen(t)-sə-tiv, ˈsen(t)s-təv\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Medieval Latin sensitivus, probably alteration of sensativus, from sensatus sensate
Date: 15th century
1: sensory 2
2 a: receptive to sense impressions b: capable of being stimulated or excited by external agents (as light, gravity, or contact)
3: highly responsive or susceptible: as a (1): easily hurt or damaged; especially : easily hurt emotionally (2): delicately aware of the attitudes and feelings of others b: excessively or abnormally susceptible : hypersensitive c: readily fluctuating in price or demand d: capable of indicating minute differences : delicate e: readily affected or changed by various agents (as light or mechanical shock) f: highly radiosensitive
4 a: concerned with highly classified government information or involving discretionary authority over important policy matters b: calling for tact, care, or caution in treatment : touchy
5: having or showing concern for a specified matter

The Business Of Being Born...

I know, I don't have kids. Though, I have witnessed four different births, three of which were in the hospital and one at a birthing center with a midwife. I decided after being present for a midwife assisted birth that I wanted that when it was my time!

I've wanted to see "the Business Of Being Born" since I heard about it. Tonight I had my chance. Matt works super late every Wednesday (until next week, my baby got a promotion and doesn't have to work the crazy shifts anymore...yay!!)Anyway, I figured it would be a good night to watch it. I must say though, Matt isn't typical when it comes to "girl stuff", he finds it interesting. Good thing because I'm pretty open about things. Everyone should be educated.

This documentary is well done. It's not the guilt-inducing, anti pain relief, pretentious attitude that it could be seen as from those on the outside (though they do exist, this wasn't one of them) It's about giving women choices. It's about allowing your body to do what it was created to do. It's about asking questions, getting answers.

The US has the 2nd highest infant death rate. #2!! That means in third world countries, babies are born in fields are surviving, while our babies are dying in a "safe" environment. It does give you something to think about! My favorite part is when a women mentions how when you're in a hospital and the doctor suggests a medical intervention and when you ask why, you're told that it's best for the baby. If you continue to question, you look like a bad mom that doesn't want what is best, so you go along with it.

Recently, a friend and I were talking about childbirth. I mentioned something about not fearing it. She was shocked. She expressed that she has nightmares about the birth experience. The reason? We've been conditioned to fear it. We've heard all the horror stories and have been told how painful it is (which is a fact I'm not debating). Where are the stories of empowerment? Where are the stories where women persevered? They are few and far between. I would bet that if we focused more on what our bodies were designed to do, and less on the horror stories, there wouldn't be such anxiety. Our mothers and grandmothers do us no favors by instilling that kind of fear.

Even if you want a hospital birth, with an epidural or a c-section, you should watch this documentary. If for no other reason then to know that you have choices and a right to know what is going on and to question things that you aren't totally comfortable with.

Ha ha...

I'm SOOO too lazy to resize all of those pictures...

Oh well.

Watching this old lady will help you get over it!!

My day started early! I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to get up and make cupcakes that I was going to make when I got up.




While the cupcakes were baking, I watched "Scrubs"!



Once they were done, I frosted them and tried to go back to sleep.



Of course by this time, it was REALLY late, or early I guess.



I still couldn’t fall asleep. This happens to me all the time. So I decided to sleep on the couch



it was hard to leave this though



I got up at around 8:50am



Took a shower



Yes, it takes all of this to make me look even halfway decent.




This is how I look (I couldn’t find my hair dryer, I think I left it somewhere)





I woke up my sleepy husband. He had to get up because we were having lunch with people we’re house-sitting for this weekend.



While he was showering, I tried to read my bible. I was so tired though, that I could hardly see the words.




Then I noticed I had a missed call. From JONATHAN!! UGH!! He was calling from London and I can’t call him back!



Matt and I leave and have lunch. I didn’t want to take pictures at their house. We had tacos and talked about house sitting while Scout and their dog Maggie played outside. We had fun!

We headed to Stockton. Matt had to work and I was going to hang out with Sammy the dog while my in-laws were in and out. On the way, we saw this. Yes, a dancing pickle.




We got to the Fams house. Can you see Scout? He can’t wait to go inside and play with Sammy!!



I water my herb garden, carrots, strawberries and flowers.








Then I do some actual work. I decide to delete the voice accout I don’t use. I don;t have any voice work today, so I blog.



This is a blog I put on private... lol!



Matt came home for his early dinner, I made him Mac and cheese. I cook pretty well, but if Matt could choose, he’d eat mac and cheese, pizza and pop tarts for every meal!



I roasted some eggplant for my dinner. While Sam and Scout watched me, hoping I’d drop some scraps. It’s ok, they get PLEANTY of food!






I watch Jon And Kate Plus 8. Good stuff. I didn’t take a picture of that. Matt comes home from work, we hang out and go to sleep




That was my day. Today it starts all over!

I think YOU, yes YOU, should do a day in the life blog! Super fun!

Home, it's where your story begins...

It's true. Home is where your story begins. Lets face it, apartment dwelling can suck sometimes. I'm so tried of staring at blank, white walls. I want color and warmth. I want a yard for our new puppy to run around in, I want a place that we can make our own. That's why Matt and I are so serious about buying a house! We're looking. Hopefully we will have one by the summer...yay!!

Speaking of our new puppy. We love him! We named him "Scout" and he has snuggled his way into our hearts. He sleeps in our bed and I often wake up to him snuggling up to me in the middle of the night. He really is the sweetest thing ever. No, he's not a baby substitution what-so-ever. I've wanted a puppy for so long and he really fell into our laps and we.could.not.say.no! Plus he gives us an awesome excuse to get outside. We took him to the lake yesterday and he spent a good half-hour just rolling around in the mud. Before us, he was found by a man that lived in a van and he was tied up all day. How different his life is now! Everyone should adopt an animal if they're able to. He's a joy!

It's been over two months since any meat has met my lips. I feel good. Lets face it, what people are doing to animals is deplorable. They are being abused. They are being injected with hormones and antibiotics that are passed down to us. For so long I just tried not to think about it. I don't want to make anyone feel guilty about eating meat, but I do think that people should educate themselves about ANYTHING that they put in their bodies. For me, vegetarianism hasn't been a huge lifestyle change. I didn't eat much meat anyway, but I could see how it could be a major change for someone. Thinking more organically is important too. If all you're eating are veggies smothered with poison, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Anyway, No one reads this blog, but if you happen to catch it, let me know you were here :-)

~Sarah

influenza = Not fun.

I am SICK. I don't have the sniffles, or even a cold. I have the FLU! I feel like death has tried to swallow me whole. I have a great husband that has been taking good care of me though. How grateful I am that he had yesterday off and was able to be with me!

My temperature has been a constant 101-103. It's miserable. I'm hoping and praying it will go down soon. I hear this will last about 3 days. I sure hope so!

So please, say a little prayer for me, will ya?

btw, I love popsicles!!

Fear of fear itself...

In recent days I've been experiencing higher levels of anxiety then I normally do. My life is less stressful now then it has been, but I can't seem to shake it. I've suffered from anxiety issues my entire life.

I actually remember my first anxiety attack. I was all of 9 years old. My parents had a friend, Sandy, that owned a pet store. Me, being the animal lover that I am, begged my parents to allow me to help out occasionally at her shop. So one day, they dropped me off. As the day progressed, Sandy started to talk about God. I didn't "know" God personally at the time, but remember believing that he was a good guy. Well, she told me that God was coming back in like 300 days and that if I didn't go to church with her that I would be left behind, my parents would die and I'd be alone. That people would be starving and there would be war and earthquakes. I was freaked. In fact, I went in the bathroom and cried, then asked to call my parents to pick me up.

While I know the truth now and know that she was part of a cult, I am still haunted by her words. I started having nightmares about the rapture, which I experience often to this day. While every other Christian I know is excited about the day of Christ's return, I have never been so fearful of anything in my entire life. It's terrible. I've even mentioned it to a friend just to be dismissed as "stupid". Talk about adding insult to injury...

I believe that one event was just a precursor for my anxiety disorder. I guess it could be many factors. Never feeling protected by my parents, always being told I was just too emotional or sensitive whenever I got hurt, having to take care of myself a lot. I don't really know. I just know that I'm not in control. I wish that was comforting, but it's not. God and I are in a constant power struggle. Ok, let's be honest, there is no competition, I can't win that one. It's the hardest thing for me to accept. When things feel out of my control, I crumble into a pile of tears. I have panic attacks. I can't function. I can just pray. That's all. Even that is half-hearted.

I'm learning that while God is in control of everything, he affords us the strength to get through whatever it is that is troubling us. How often I depend on myself, Matt, friends or sometimes the occasional self-help book to get me through times like this. At one point I even had a prescription for a medication that I was told would help get me through it and another one to help me sleep. I filled them both in desperation for a break. I was too scared to take them and flushed them down the toilet... Too scared to take the meds to make me less scared... sigh...

The only thing I should be desperate for is a deeper relationship with Jesus. A deeper understanding of His will, a deeper level of trust in Him. Anything else would vastly pale in comparison. If only I could get that message from my heart into my head.

Charity and Its Fruits

I've been reading this book for quite some time. In fact, while I'm one to normally breeze through books, "Charity and It's Fruits" has given me a run for my money.

I search for hidden humor in all things. This book has none. Normally a book of this kind wouldn't last 5 seconds in my possession. I'd have sold it on e-bay or given it to a friend by now. It's so thought provoking though that even though I'm reading it a page at a time, I can't stop thinking about it throughout the day. Jonathan Edwards is an amazingly hard-core writer.

In recent days, I've struggled with forgiveness. Anger has stolen my joy and buried the commandment to "Love thy neighbor". It makes my heart heavy that I've allowed anger to steal that from me. While I'm trying to get past it, it's one of the hardest things I've endured. It's good though to go through it. I have more compassion for those that struggle with anger, as I've seen how hard it is to overcome.


"Do you think the injuries you have received from your fellow-man are more than you have offered to God? Has your enemy been more base, more unreasonable, more ungrateful, than you have to the High and Holy One? Have his offenses been more heinous or aggravated, or more in number, than yours have been against your Creator, Benefactor, and Redeemer? Have they been more provoking and exasperating than your sinful conduct has been to him who is the author of all our mercies, and to whom you are under the highest obligations?"

Gosh, I feel like such a sinner when I read this.

My hands on lesson of reaping and sowing. Mostly sowing.

My gardening dream came true this week. I asked my father-in-law last week if there was any room to grow a tomato plant or two in their backyard (which is beautiful I might add). Thinking if there was any extra space I could use, it would be small at best, I thought the answer would be a "maybe". I was pleasantly surprised that he actually pointed to the right-hand side of the yard where it is over-grown with weeds and said I could have that entire side! Last year they planted more roses on that side, so I thought it just needed to be cleaned up again and that the roses were still alive. He informed me that they didn't make it, so if I was willing to do the work, I could plant a little garden! My heart seriously screamed with delight! There are also two smaller planters in the middle of the yard that he said I was free to use also! SCORE!!

So I asked Matt if my valentines’ gift could be some gardening stuff and he said I could get what I liked... double score! Sunday after church, we headed off to Lowes in search of some organic vegetable plants. To my dismay, I would have to wait a month. I decided I couldn't wait that long and that I'd grow from seed myself! I did however get some herb plants for one of the center planters. I got Parsley, mint, chocolate mint, sage, rosemary, basil, lavender, thyme and German Chamomile (tea time!!). I ordered the seed online a few months ago, but decided to just do half grown plants. Now back to seeds... ha ha. Organic please?

As I planted my seeds in small, indoor planters, I couldn't help but notice that each plant has special sowing instructions. Both hot and sweet peppers like heat, moist (but not wet) soil and all day sun, Zucchini likes lots of water, food and 6 hours of sun, green bean seeds have to be soaked overnight before planting and can't be planted outside until the indoor plant is 6 inches tall...etc...

Of course that made me think of the term "planting a seed in someone’s heart". No wonder the Bible used the seed as an example. The human heart and God mimics the relationship of seed and soil. Some hearts thrive when cared for one way and others another way. It made me think of how many seeds I've so carelessly sown, without caring for the heart of the person I shared God's love for. Leaving them to figure out how to get water without assistance. There is also a time to sow. This is why friendship evangelism weighs so heavily on my heart. I think some people aren't ready to accept God. So when the issue is forced, it can leave a relationship strained. If I plant a seed in the wrong season, it's less likely to grow or flourish. While I don't hide my relationship with God, I try not to scare people off with information they're not ready for.

When you harvest fruit, you can tell if it's ready when you can pull it off with a gentle tug. If you have to force it off the tree or the vine, it's not ripe for harvest. When I mention Christ to someone and they back away from the topic, they're not ready. So I can A. Keep tugging and potentially scare them off or B. let it go and continue to love them and be myself and pray for them. Of course there are those low-maintenance "seeds" that you can scatter and they'll grow in the strangest of conditions. However, that is quite rare.

So I guess my lesson was if I'm going to sow seeds, I better be prepared to care for them.

Better then I expected...

Last Tuesday was my first day of doing ministry in a long while. It feels good to be back, better then expected even. While I tend to be hesitant to move forward, I feel the holy spirit telling me that it's going to be ok.

Speaking of my good friend, the Holy Spirit. I never fully understood what people meant when they said how the spirit led them here or to do this or that. Because I tend toward the sensitive side, I've always been aware that I can't always rely on how I feel. I wonder how many times I actually dismissed the prompting of the Holy Spirit in an effort to suppress my own seemingly "over-emotional" feelings? Honestly, I don't even know if it works that way. When it comes to the "Spirit" I'm pretty clueless. That just proves how ungodly I really am.

Lately I've been praying that the Holy Spirit would reveal my sin to me. One reason is to recognize hidden sin so I can change it. Another reason is so I can be more amazed that I don't have to pay the penalty for my sin. How good is God that he saved us!? I, as a Christian become desensitized to the greatness of God. I constantly have to remind myself that what he did was an amazing gift! Not because I don't know, but because I want to feel the same way now as I did when it was all brand new. I crave those "first love" feelings that I felt towards God. Though with any "love" type relationship, I appreciate the deeper understanding that only comes with time. I've experienced that type of love only twice. My first with Jesus, and now my marriage to Matt. When the butterflies fly away and things are hard, the deep love remains. It's simply amazing.