Saturday, December 27, 2008

so right, but feels so wrong...

I have a dilemma. Having a dilemma is not a fun thing for a person like me. I'm so concerned that I'll make a wrong step, or G-d forbid--a mistake. Tonight I had to confront someone I love about some things. Nothing major, but I tend to avoid confrontation at all costs. You know when you finally get to the end of your rope though, and something needs to be said. That was my night. So I said what needed to be said, and got silence in return.

I still have a sick feeling in my stomach. my dilemma is that I feel so wrong in confronting anyone, because I know how imperfect I am. Yet, in this case, I felt it necessary. This person is someone I love dearly too, which complicates things further. I don't want her to be angry with me, or to even think I'm really angry with her. I'll admit, I tend to get angry when someone hurts me. Someone can do something and it might annoy me, but I think the only time people around me ever really experience me being angry, is when I'm deeply hurt. I'm not easily prone to anger at all. Even when I do get angry, I tend to get over it quite quickly. Tonight I was a little angry, because I got hurt, but I tried my darnedest to put that aside and just tell her how I felt. I think I did an ok job, yet I still don't feel any better about it.

I think some people have the gift of confrontation. Sounds a little strange, but I really believe it. I definitely fall into the sucks at saying no, bad at confrontation because it's easier to be walked on, then to stand up to someone, and have someone mad at me non-confrontational category. It works sometimes. Yet so often I feel used and abused, but I'm too afraid to say anything. When I do say something, I feel heartless. I feel like I'm being selfish, even if I have other commitments that would seem to have greater importance.

So I beckon all friends that this "confrontation" "saying no" thing comes easily to. Please tell me how you do it without feeling guilty!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am absolutely no help at all because I do the exact same thing. It's such a struggle for me to stand up for myself or to say no. Confrontations are also something that add to the anxiety I already have. I can imagine how your feeling & I pray that everything works out for you and those around you.