Isn't it funny how the closer you are to God, the more broken you realize you are? I'm so broken. Everyday I struggle with a new anxiety about something, and everyday I slap God in the face and tell him that I don't trust him. I'm grieved that I live in such a way. I'm ashamed that I can't get over some of my doubts and fears. I hate that I sacrifice something as necessary as sleep, just to lay in bed and worry. What do I worry about? Just about everything. Relationships, death of people I love, our apartment catching on fire, my alarm not going off, if I fed the dog, if I've offended someone, if I'm a good enough wife, or friend, if I've done the right things by my family, Matt's family, what people think of me, what I think of me. I can't seem to shut it off. It's eating me alive, and no one can help me, except for the one that I so carelessly throw to the side when I'm anxious. Because the thought of relinquishing control feels like a death sentence.
I've always been prone to anxiety. If I had to be famous for a sin, I'm positive that would be the one. I can't even type this without tears pouring down my face. I hate this part of myself. The worst part is that somehow in my head it makes sense. The 5 minutes of peace thinking that I've done everything I can do, gives me this totally pompous high. Like this elatedness, that is so false. Like the felling that I really am in control. Then the cycle starts all over. I have to laugh at myself for typing that, because it is so ridiculous. You always realize how ridiculous you are when you go back and read your crazy thoughts!
I don't really know what the next step is. I have some fears that I've had my entire life. How do you undo 26 years of fear? I guess I have to somehow convince myself that I'm not really in control anyway, as much as I pretend that I am. And that all I can do, is do the right things, and live in today and not tomorrow. I have to trust that God really does have a plan for my life, and that this is not the way to live, because it's not living. If only it were easy to get all of these thoughts from my head, to my heart.
1 comment:
Thanks for writing this. It is so much of how I feel. Wish I had an answer for you. I will be praying for you.
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