Bucket list...

I was "catching up" with my friend Erin via her blog, and she had proposed a challenge to create a "Bucket List". Now, this is something I've never done. Not sure why--especially since it seems I make lists for everything else! The whole being on the cusp of the big 3 0 might have something to do with it...

1) Renew our vows on the beach.
Our wedding, the special, fun, exciting day it was, was dramatic. I really want to renew our vows with our truly close friends.

2) Travel to Europe.
I've only ever been to Mexico. We need an overseas vacation!

3) Go to a professional football game.
Would love to see Green Bay play!

4) Take a year off, and travel the US in a RV that runs on veggie oil.
Seriously, I know of people who do it. I would go in a heartbeat!

5)Go Snorkeling
I love the water, and sea life. I want to get up close and personal with some cool fish!

6) See the "Green Flash" in person.
It's an ocean sunset thing--youtube it!

7) Learn about different types of wine.
So interesting, but confusing.

8)Help Matt cross off things on his "Bucket List".
Like visiting a Rainforest.

9) Take piano lessons.
I've wanted to forever.

10) Go Para-sailing
I'm completely fascinated by it!

11) Adopt a child.
So many kids in the world need a family.

12) Be able to look in the mirror, and be ok with what I see.
That is a mental exercise.

13) Mend fences with some broken relationships.

14)Build taller fences with other relationships.

15) Talk less, and listen more.

My "Fortunate" Valentine

I'm a crafty girl.

This Valentine's day I decided to use my Craftiness for good, and not evil.

I decided I wanted an Asian-inspired project.

Initially, I was just going to make Paper Fortune Cookies with custom fortunes (seen above)

Last year I made chocolate covered Fortune Cookies for Matt and I, and thought it would be cute to fill chinese take-out boxes with them.

I don't do complicated crafts or baking.

All I did was melt chocolate, dip the cookies, and cover in sprinkles.

I did a cookie sheet full, and then put them in the freezer for 5 minutes to set.

Easy-peesy!

I bought some small wooden hearts from Jo-Ann's fabric, and a bottle of red paint. It cost about $2 for 24 hearts. I painted them all in about 5 minutes. They weren't perfectly painted, but I was in a bit of a time crunch.

I glued the hearts, and a pink, or red ribbon ribbon to each take-out box.

No need to buy expensive boxes from the craft store (often $1 each!)

I got 50 at Smart & Final for $4.99

Each box had a small handful of valentines colored M&M's and

two chocolate-covered cookies.

I then glued a paper Fortune Cookie to the top of each box.

My friends and co-workers loved them!

Success!

I stayed home from work not feeling well today.

I may have to eat some of the broken cookies dipped in left-over chocolate.

Yum!

Seriously.

I'm a broken person. I know that. Sometimes though, life distracts me from that fact. It's a welcome distraction. On occasion, however, that realization it broadcasts in a way that is so out-of-the-blue. So jolting-- that you almost don't know how to respond to yourself.

Matt and I were driving home from Disneyland Sunday night. We were talking about a little traffic incident we experienced on the way to LA 3 nights prior. Car got hurt, but we were fine, thankfully. My mind started going to what would have happened if we weren't "fine". What if we had been hurt? Now I'm a vocal person. I typically don't have much of a problem saying what I feel/think. I do have a very private side. A side my husband rarely sees. A side that doesn't like being comforted when it's grieving-- that doesn't like to go to the "what ifs" because it's afraid of the answer. A side of silence. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped within myself. People expect me to be bubbly, and happy. People expect me to joke around.

I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to be a downer.

So I shove it down. I pretend it's not there. I make some joke out of it, and I move on. I'm so afraid to "go there" in my mind, so I don't. Sometimes-- like Sunday night, I can't not go there. So I said to Matt what I was feeling-- "What would happen to me if something happened to you?". He made some side comment about having good life insurance. "No" I said. "I have no one. You're my only family. I'd be completely alone." Matt was silent. He knew I was right. Then the tears came. They streamed right down my face. Then I remembered why I never let myself go there. It hurts so badly. I didn't mention it again. Mostly because I knew nothing Matt could say would comfort me. He wants so badly to fix it. To make me feel happy, and secure-- it just doesn't work. He feels bad, and I feel bad that he feels bad.

I've tried the "Family" thing with lots of people. Friends, friends parents, extended family, in-laws, Church family. While I'm thankful to have had so many wonderful people placed in my life, no one can replace your real family. My real family isn't "family" at all. My Mother and Sister-- the only family I have left-- are happy to be selfish, and divisive. They play games, and lie. Every single time I've tried to be "family" with them, I've been hurt, and used, and stepped on. I've tried to be "family" with Matt's family-- but I've basically been told that I'm not welcome to do so. That I'm trying to "Steal them away". So I've stopped trying. That's why Matt and I now choose to spend holidays alone. I'm tired of not being welcome. Matt understands because he's seen how hard I've tried. How hurtful the things that have been said are. I still put on my "happy face". I'm cordial, and I still try to be nice, and helpful because they're Matt's family-- but I'm done. Thankfully I have a husband that knows me well enough to know how hard I've tried.

So where does all of this leave me? Alone. Frustrated that I have the family I have. Sad that this is the way things are. Painfully jealous of people that have great families.

The moral of the story is that some things don't have a happy ending. Sometimes life is totally unfair, and we won't have answers as to why this side of heaven. Stuffing it down doesn't make it any less real. The only consolation is knowing that when we finally decide to have kids-- they won't have to feel that way. That we can be to them what we didn't get ourselves. That we have a chance to do right by someone else.

The laundry is in the wash...

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Around 7



2. Pearls or diamonds?
Um, Diamonds--sort of. I'm not a huge jewelry fan, but whatever I wear has to be real, otherwise I break out into a nasty rash. So I mostly own things with (small) diamonds.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Gosh, The Other Guys? I don't know-- it's been a long while.



4. What is your favorite TV show?
The Office, Teen Mom, Anything on HGTV, Discover, A&E, or TLC.



5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Breakfast and I don't mesh well.


6. What is your middle name?
Elizabeth



7. What food do you like the least?
Beef. It's gross.



8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
If you mean what's playing on my Ipod--
Tenth Avenue North, Bekah Shae, Stellar Kart,
Supertones, Jars of Clay, Cademon's Call.


9. What kind of car do you drive?
1999 VW Jetta
An oldie, but a goodie.



10. Favorite Sandwich?
BLT with soy bacon-- yummy!


11. What characteristic do you despise?
Arrogance, and people that try too hard to be the center of attention.
So annoying.

12. Favorite item(s) of clothing?
Yoga pants, tank tops, and flip flops.



13. If you could go anywhere in the world for vacation, where would you go?
London-- Our friends are there, and we miss them dearly!



14. What color is your bathroom?
White.



15. What is your favorite brand of clothing?
Old Navy



16. Where would you retire?
In a tent on the beach.


17. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
Sushi date with Claudia, Jonathan, Sarah, Eric & Matt!
So fun!

Disneyland-- here we come!

We're seeing World of Color for the first time!


Matt and I love Disneyland! That's why I decided that it would be a perfect destination Birthday for Matt's 29th Birthday this Saturday! We've talked about going for a few months, but had no plans. So I decided to be a little bit sneaky, and surprise him.

Failed! Sort of.

It's hard to plan a trip for someone when you live in the same house, share the same computer, and are not very good at lying. So I spilled the beans. Glad I did! He's SO excited. I am too! We leave tomorrow night! I'm not looking forward to the drive, but I'm always glad to get away with my hunky hubby!

Pretty sure Matt's just excited to have breakfast at Storyteller's Cafe We love that place! I do have a few surprises up my sleeve to make it even more fun! ;-)

Happy Birthday Matty Bear!

Dear Starbucks...

We have been friends for a long time. We've spent a lot of time together. You were there, sharing in the laughter with dear friends. You helped to drown some painful tears. We've spent many, many mornings in each others arms. You helped me develop a love for coffee when I was dependent on caffeine the most. For that, I thank you. However, the news I heard today made me very concerned.

Trenta? Really?

My dear friend, You have tempted me many times to upgrade my Iced, Soy, Vanilla Latte with Whip to size: Venti, and many of those times I gave into your persuasive advances. However, unless you start selling pants sized "Trenta" the buck stops here. That much coffee is just not healthy--for your heart or your waistline. (See above photo)

For now, I must stick with my Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte. It's not even February yet-- going to try to keep my New Years Resolution for a few more months, a least.

Album Cover...

My good friend, Jamie, challenged me to a little game-- here are the instructions:

1) Go to wikipedia and hit random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2) Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3) Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” Third picture, no ...matter what ...it ......is, will be your album cover.

4) Use photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together.

Introducing....

Forgive the fact that mine is hardly readable-- Kind of a hard picture for text! Fun stuff, though! Because so few of my friends blog, I'm going to tag my blogging buddy, Erin. Can't wait to see your album!

My year in pictures

I got my iphone Jan of last year, and so I've been taking pictures like crazy ever since-- it's so easy. This is my year in pictures!

 

A good laugh!

Top 10 of 2010!

In honor of 2010, I've decided to post my favorite things about the last year-- in no particular order.

10) Gaining prospective. Matt and I together gained some prospective about certain things in our lives. It wasn't an easy process-- that's for sure. However, I firmly believe that trails produce character. If we didn't gain prospective, or learn anything from the hardships in our lives, we would be wasting opportunities to grow.

9) Learning to let go. I had some things I was holding onto, and by doing so it was holding me back from the joy I could have been experiencing in my life. I know I can't change the past. All I can do is acknowledge that I was hurt, and move forward. Baby steps. Those feelings still creep up now and then, but I feel so much peace.

8) iPhone! Do you like how I went from deep stuff to materialism? That's just how I roll. ;-) I'm so glad I took the plunge into modern technology! No more getting lost. No more having people complain that they could never contact me. No more wondering how I was going to surf the web while taking a bath. Yes, iphone-- you have changed my life!

7) Kittens. I said I would never own Cats. However, this girl has a huge, (and at times) annoyingly soft heart for all living things. So I took some kittens home with the idea that I'd find them each a new home. Well, all three got a home-- but two of them got a home with us. Now that we have them, they are a part of our little family. They provide some awesome entertainment!

6) New Job. I'm working at a Veterinary hospital in Tracy, Ca. I hated my first 3 months. I can't watch Lion King without bawling my little eyes out, so if you can imagine the sad scenarios of a Vet clinic, you could imagine why I would hate it. I cried every. single. day. I told Matt that I almost felt bipolar-- I'd be fine, and BAM something would make me lose it. I still shed some tears on occasion. But I work with great people, and am learning that the happy parts are great, and the sad parts are the reality of life's process. I can honestly say now that I really like it.

5) Unanswered Prayers. Yes, like the song. There are things that I have been hoping and praying for in my life. There were lots of situations in the last year where I thought I wanted some specific thing, but in hindsight, am thankful I don't always get what I think I want.

4) Beautiful Memories. 2010 will be in my head for years to come. Matt and I took lots of little trips, which I always enjoy. Some of my favorites though aren't what you'd expect. Like sitting in the hospital waiting room for 6 hours watching the Olympics together when Matt had MRSA, or crying over coffee at the downtown starbucks feeling complete brokenness. All part of life-- but trying to see the beauty in all of it!

3) Friendships Gained and Lost. 2010 was a crazy relationship year. I committed to myself at the beginning of 2010 that I was going to get rid of any drama-- or dramatic people in my life. I've never been very good at placing boundaries, or standing up for myself. So there were some friendship deaths this year. Some bloody-- but necessary. There were also friendships strengthened-- and even though I can count my good friends on one hand, I'm happy. Bad friendships make you appreciate good friends that much more.

2) A Better Marriage. For a few months there, Matt and I were feeling a little disconnected. Our schedules left very little time to spend together, and we weren't quite understanding each other the way we normally do-- which led to some frustrating conflict. We're working through it, and are already feeling the effects of our commitment to work it out, spend more time together, and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

1) A Renewed Hope for the Future. 2009 was a hard HARD year. I went through a time of feeling depressed, hopeless, intensely frustrated, and all around awful. I wasn't sleeping-- it was one of the most painful seasons of my life. 2010 brought some renewed hope. I started praying that the painful seasons of my life wouldn't be in vain. That they would bring renewed clarity, and peace to my life. It still hurts, but I know now that it was all for a reason. I'm praying for more of the same in 2011!

My hope for 2011 is to experience more true, lasting joy. To be able to see the good in all situations. To get past anxieties that have held me back, and truly experience life to the fullest. To soak up any blessings that come my way, and use them to bless the lives of others!

Happy New Year!