Bite Me!!

Ok, so I need to do this blog tonight! Excuse me while I gripe! :-)

Bite me: Insomnia! Seriously, it's 3:23am, and I haven't been able to fall asleep at all! I have to be up at 7am! Go the heck away, and let me get some sleep! You annoy me!

Bite me: Cat that always sleeps on my car. Not only am I tired of my car having cat hair stuck to it, but I saw the scratch marks on my trunk, and I'm not happy. I like animals, but find another bed, please?

Bite me: Mom. Don't go around telling people you want to have a relationship with me, but you don't know how to contact me. Stalking me on social networking sites doesn't constitute wanting, or having a relationship, and you can send someone a message, even if they're not your "friend". Plus, I've enjoyed not having you around. I'm finally getting over all the crap you did to me as a child, so please, just leave me alone! I can't have a relationship with you right now... really!

Bite me: Laptop. I really don't want to pay $100 for a new battery... Just work!!!

Bite me: People that insist on sucking the life out of me. I don't answer your calls because I HATE talking on the phone. Not because I don't like you, not because I don't want to listen to you, but because if I talked to you 5 minutes ago, I don't need to talk to you again.

Bite me: cancer! You keep going after people in my life, and I'm sick of it. You SUCK and I can't wait until they develop something that kills you for good!

Bite me: Cell phones. You're evil!

Bite me: People that feel like it's ok to give me diet tips, or make reference to my weight. Yes, I know I'm not skinny, but you trying to pressure me into doing whatever crazy diet your on does not help! I'm losing without you. Slow and study wins the race, fad diets are short term! Why try to get healthy if you're not going to be healthy about it?

Bite me: Starbucks. I love you, and depend on your for survival on some days (like tomorrow) but $4 for coffee? You're sucking the bank account dry!

Oh, I feel SOOOOO much better. Just had to get that off of my chest! Fell free to do your own "bite me". You'll feel SOOOO much better!!

Because there is more to me then being "nice"

I've decided that I hate being the "nice" girl. It's such a struggle for me. I am friendly by nature. However, I wish so much that I had a backbone. Lately, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I don't know how I'm suppose to be giving and giving when I feel like I really have nothing to give.

It's so hard knowing that people like you for what you can do for them, and not because they like who you are. Not because they care about what you think, or how you feel. Not because they like your personality. But because if they ask you to do something, they know you'll say yes. So that's when you hear from them. I would do almost anything for my friends, but I know who my real friends are, and my real friends know who they are. I like serving. I love being able to provide when someone has a need, and I really do what I offer to do whole-heartedly.

I hate the way it feels when I'm left out because I have to tell someone no. It happens to me all the time. If I can't drive the neighbor to the store, or I can't make a birthday cake for that party. If I can't babysit on that day, help someone move the next. I want people to be able to come to me if they need help. I just hate that with a lot of people, they are so used to me saying yes, that when I say no, I'm the bad guy. It's mostly hard because I'm faced with the crappy realization that they don't like me because I'm me, they like me because I'm "nice". That sort of rejection is really hard, because you know that you're only as good as what you can do for someone. The worst is that even our families take advantage. Both of us have siblings that only ever call when they want something, and we don't at all have a relationship apart from that. It's so hurtful... I've had people call me selfish because I was sick and couldn't help them! I've been told that if I do this this and this, then I'll be invited to the wedding as my payment... I had someone call me a bridezilla at my own wedding because I wanted a table in a certain place. I wasn't rude, I tried to explain why, but because I stood my ground, I was called a bridezilla... I wonder sometimes if people even listen to what they're saying!

Many people wonder why Matt and I share a cell phone. Would you believe me if I told you it's because people call me constantly asking me to do this or that. I purposefully have Matt check voice mails, and basically screen any calls directed to me. That way, he can erase the ones from people that aren't really my friends asking me for something. Otherwise, I get so overwhelmed with the needs of everyone else, that I don't have time to serve people that I really do care about, and that I have a real relationship with. Why can't I just say no, and not allow others to make me feel guilty when I do? Why can't I handle letting people be angry with me if I know I did nothing wrong? Why do I allow myself to be trampled on so much??

I'm starting to understand why people always say that "nice guys finish last". It's because it's the truth. You almost can't be nice without people treating you like a doormat...

Loving your enemies...

I've decided to make a conscious effort to really love my "enemies". This is no easy task for me. I love people, but I also trust few, and once someone has broken that trust it's VERY hard for me to be around them, talk to them, and ESPECIALLY to love them. I hate conflict, so usually I'd rather stay away from it, then to be in a relationship where it will come up often.

I know that I don't have to have a relationship with those people. For me though, I feel like I have to be ok with them, and to me being ok means being friendly. I try, and I fail often, but I really am trying to make things right, even if I wasn't the cause of the break down. I notice that when I try to reconcile, it makes me feel better about that person.

Sunday morning, I woke up early. I'd neglected to spend any real time with God the week before, and so, as I laid in bed, I asked God to show me something I needed to see. I've felt burdened with some relationship stuff, and I felt like that's what I needed to study. The day before, I stayed the night with my friend Sarah, and her husband Aaron. Aaron is a youth pastor, and was talking about translations of the bible while I was over. So I decided to gather my 5 different versions, and read Matthew 5:44-45 in all of them.

Most of them said the same thing, but then I got to "The Message"

"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that."

I knew right away that I was letting these relationships bring out the worst in me. The frustration, the bitterness, the desire to roll my eyes every time I heard them talk. I felt convicted, and my heart hurt.

I was in church alone that morning, and one of the people that I have had a not-so-good relationship with was there. So I started praying for him. I continued to pray for him during Communion, and that God would provide a since of reconciliation between us. It was tough, and I could even feel the hurt creep back up as I asked God to help me forgive him. I still feel uncomfortable about everything. it reminds me of when I had surgery on my knee, and even after I healed up, there was an uncomfortable tightness from the scar. Even though everything is over and done, it still doesn't feel good.

I really feel like I'm suppose to take it a step further and do something to serve them. I've always had the desire to serve those that I love, so I guess if I'm going to love my enemies, then that's what it will take. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do yet. I just know in my heart it's what I have to do. I think it will be worth it to finally be able to forgive, and move on!

Worlds Apart...Jars of Clay...

I was listening to this song driving home tonight, and the lyrics seem to always "hit" me at the best time. Especially this last part of the song. I believe these are absolute feelings of brokenness. The kind of brokenness where you have no choice but to depend on God. I can't even breathe when I hear this part.



I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

words to clean by....

I don't really mind cleaning too much, with one exception-dishes (ugh)... Through the years I've developed my little motivation methods. For instance, I have to be dressed for the day, no Pj's or any super comfy clothes. Dressed for the day is including shoes, real shoes--not flip flops. Not sure why, but having tennis shoes on give me an extra burst of energy! I also have to pull out everything I need-- Rags, cleaner (pine-sol being my favorite), newspaper for mirrors, bucket, scrub-brushes etc... Otherwise, in my quest to get everything "as I go" often causes me to get distracted.

My greatest motivator though, is Music! Years ago I would listen to the radio, and clean, then I started listening to my zune. However, the zune is too distracting, I'm always worried about dropping it in the sink, or toilet as I clean, or switching the songs. So I burned a "Cleaning CD", and I recently vowed to clean the house once a day throughout the CD. Meaning even if I am "done" before the CD ends, I have to find something to do for the remaining time. The CD is about an hour and 15 minutes long. The clean 'till it's over rule has saved me from letting things like organizing our closet from becoming a huge job. Also little things that are often missed, like cleaning our shower curtain finally get the attention they need.

My cleaning playlist includes

Be With You--Mr. Big

Mr. Brightside--The Killers

The Motown Song-- Rod Stewart

Stayin' Alive-- The Beegees

Jumpin' In The House Of God--World Wide Message Tribe (yeah, the laughing stock of Christian music)

Pretty much anything that has a good beat works for me. I also throw in an occasional sermon, Mars Hill, or even sometimes from my own church.

I'm trying to find a "laundry rhythm" because it seems like laundry in our house tends to become out of hand if I'm not **constantly** on top of it. That's just one of the reasons I'm growing out of apartment life. Not having a washer/dryer, or a dishwasher makes chores a million times worse! It's also hard to set a "laundry day" because you never know if the washers and dryers will be free on the day you decide to do it. Plus being the germ-a-phobe that I am, the idea of washing my clothes where strangers wash is hard for me. I know that's a little over-the-top, but I can't help but think about it. So we usually do it at Matt's parents, it just ends up being an all-day job. I want to be able to throw clothes in, and do them more at my own convenience. Matt is great though, he likes doing his own laundry. Though Now that he's working, and going to school, I feel like it's my job to take care of it.

I recently read a book called "The Heart of a Homemaker". Because I do most of my work from home, I feel like I am more responsible for the upkeep of it. While sometimes I don't get everything done because I do have my job, and often times it's unpredictable, I'm striving to live by the principles of this book.

The Heart of the Homemaker

-I will get up before my family, in order to prepare myself spiritually and physically.

(this one has been really hard for me. I used to be a super early riser, but that that I have sleep issues, it's tough)

-I will prepare breakfast for my family and sit with them while they eat.

(something we rarely do, but I would love to make it a daily habit)

-I will work diligently to send every member of my family off in a good mood.

-I will consult my husband every day to see if there is anything special he wants me to do for him. (I love serving Matt in this way. He loves it too!)

-I will keep a neat and orderly home.

-I will respond positively.

-I will meet my husband’s needs.

-I will put my husband before my children.

(we don't have children, but I'm trying to practice putting him before my "tasks")

I will personally meet and greet each family member as he or she returns home.

I Will be predictably happy.

I will prepare special, good food for my family.

I will make dinner a special time.

I will grow DAILY in the areas of Lord, marriage, family, and homemaking.

I'm content with the position I have, and consider it such a privilege that I get to be at home so much. Even though it seems like my work never ends (note: laundry), I'm just glad to be able to relax with Matt at the end of the day, and not have to worry about finding time for the chores.

100 mile diet. Could you do it?

I've been a local food advocate for quite a while. There are many many advantages to a local living lifestyle, like being able to talk to a farmer face to face about the use of pesticides, and knowing that your food didn't come from a country that has laws even more lax then ours about the use of pesticides on our food. Another advantage is that many local farms use organic growing methods, but because becoming "certified organic" is so expensive, they cannot advertise as an organic farm without big$$. Also, supporting local farmers, and the local economy, and not to mention locally grown food is just so darn good! I think of tomatoes, picked green, and processed hundreds, if not thousands of miles to the local grocery store. Think about the nutrients lost because they are not allowed to fully ripen. Besides, they have ZERO flavor!

I've been researching the 100 mile diet for quite some time now, and am thinking about doing a "trial run" to see how feasible it would be here. Although the great advantage is that I live in Ag country AND I just planted a veggie garden. I suppose it would probably help that I don't eat meat, and that the eggs I use are local free range, though milk would be a tough one for me for sure.

So the basic rules of the 100 mile diet are (taken from their website)

Rule #1: The Restaurant Rule

No meals at any restaurant unless the restaurant is either participating in the 100-Mile Challenge or is otherwise deeply committed to sourcing locally raised and produced foods.

Rule #2: The Traveller’s Rule(a) When travelling, the 100-mile circle travels with you; that is, you must either bring local food from home or eat foods from within the 100-mile circle of your destination.(b) It is not acceptable to make trips outside the 100-mile circle in pursuit of distant foods.(c) When returning from a trip, it is acceptable to bring home a small amount of food not found within your 100-mile circle. Likewise, if friends come to visit, they are free to bring small gifts of local food from their home areas.

Rule #3: The 99-Percent Rule(a) The foods that 100-mile challengers eat at home should be prepared using only local food products or products acquired under rule 3(b).(b) Food products that are wholly local except for very small amounts of minor additives are acceptable. This is to encourage 100-milers to support producers who are dedicated to local foods but are not as exacting as participants in a 100-mile challenge. Such products might include wine made with yeast, cheese with added rennet, or salt-cured meat, but would not include wines made with large amounts of added sugar, cheese with added ingredients, or meats cured in non local marinades or sauces.

Rule #4: “The Randy Rule”(a) Under exceptional circumstances, 100-milers may break from the challenge rules. Real examples of exceptional circumstances included a conference gala, an uncle’s traditional pancake breakfast, and wines set aside for a 10-year anniversary. The 100-mile challenge is intended to build, not break down, a sense of community.(b) If a 100-miler finds he or she is regularly making exceptions, he or she should should take on an additional challenge that helps deepen the experience, build the 100-community, or support the community at large.

I think it's going to be tough, but a fun learning experience. I think we're starting next week, only because this week have been hectic, and I want to give some real attention to the challenge!

Pillow-blog

It's 1Pm and I'm cozy in my bed. I know, it sounds SUPER lazy, but I've needed this day for months. I'm doing some work, Im-ing some friends, and watching daytime TV, all in my Pj's, dog sleeping at my feet, with cookies and milk... ha ha! I NEVER get days like this! Plus, Our Lap-top was fixed yesterday in perfect time for my "PJ day"! I say it was Divine intervention. I have something to do later, so I won't be here all day...

Yesterday was a tough day. Many of you know that we've had some major family situations as of recent, and yesterday was a day of change for sure. It was a tough day, but it was necessary. However, I think that everyone is going to be in recovery mode for quite some time. Mine started last night. One of my favorite things to do with my husband is lay in bed and watch the Jay Leno Monologue together. Sure, it sounds lame, but because things have been so tough lately, it's nice to end the day on a comedic note. To be honest, the last few nights I've slept like a baby. Praise God!

Family is so important. I think the fact that Matt and I have always had so much family stress has made family that much more important to us. We strive to create good family relations between us, and even though it's just us, we're ok with that. I just notice that many people talk about starting their family, and they mean having a baby. Matt and I wanted to "start a family" when we said our vows, aside from children. I'm so thankful for a husband that sees that importance, stands up for what our standards are, and sees the importance of being a united front, being a family. Even when things around us are uncertain, and crumbling, I always know that we're a team. Oh how God provided me security in him!

Seeing relationships crumble around us has been hard. In fact, we have very few healthy relationships around us. While Matt and I totally struggle at times (who knew communication could be so tough??), for the most part, we feel like seeing those relationships, some of which have crumbled over tiny things that were never dealt with that turned into huge issues, is motivation to consistently work on ourselves, on our relationship, and to seek God's will in our marriage.

Today I'm just thankful for my husband, for my marriage, for what a great leader my husband is. I've seen the alternative, and I'm just so so very thankful. I often wonder with everything that has happened in my life, why God chose to pull me out of the family I had, and provide me with countless opportunities to live my life the right way and serve Him. I don't know why, but I'm so glad I am no longer what I was!

Poli-ticks.

I'm really not a fan of politics. Interested-sure. Like-nope. I think that being a Christian makes it really tough. Maybe not the "act" of being a Christian, but the pressure from other Christians to vote for the "Godly" thing. Sadly, most Christians have a different viewpoint of what "godly" is. Sure, pro-life is biblical, but so many of the other "issues" really have no clear-cut solutions. Or have so many angles that it is hard to decipher what exactly God would want from it.

My biggest issue is that Christians continue to say awful things about Barack Obama. This angers me. Mostly because if we REALLY believe that God is in control, and we have faith, then we should also know that regardless of who is leading our country, God is still God.

So many people are complaining that Obama is not a Christian. I for one, refuse to judge his heart. To be honest, I don't really know where his faith lays. But what good are we doing as Christians, bashing the man to death about our own religious beliefs? Are we showing him that Christians are caring, and encouraging, or that we're a group of harpies that dislike anyone with beliefs other then our own? That we're constantly critical. I'm not saying we have to agree with things that are blatantly against what we believe. I'm simply saying that hurling insults at him, and always saying he's so "un-American" because he doesn't believe exactly what we do, will not bring him any closer to God. It's just really stupid. And considering that he's here for at least the next 4 years, maybe we should rally around him with prayer. Not the fake prayers for our country because we think that Obama is taking it to hell in a hand basket, but real prayers for his administration, for his family, for his leadership. He is a person, he has a soul and that soul matters to God.

I could take the argument further and say that Barack Obama is in office because Christians do a lousy job of representing Christ, so people don't realize that importance of Christian values in our country, and vote accordingly. I could say that people are anti-Christian because a lot of people have very negative experiences with Christians, and Church, so they refuse to entertain anything a Christian has to say. Of course, by saying that I would be saying that President Obama is not a Christian, and again, I don't know that.

I'm just learning that it is not the Gospel of Christ that I'm ashamed of. However, I am increasingly ashamed to be associated with Christians that demonstrate such public hatred to people that believe differently then they do. Would God be caught saying nasty things about our President, or would he be loving him into the kingdom? Just a thought.

I love our country, and will continue to support the ones that lead it. It's not like there is much to complain about here. I am SO thankful for my birthplace!!

"What Now?" Saturday...

Today is my favorite day of the year. I know, it sounds a little crazy. The Easter season has many different days of significance. There is Ash Wednesday the kick off for the season of Lint. There is Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and then Easter Sunday (which also marks the end of the season of Lint.)

Yesterday was good Friday. Our church does a service and it's always packed. What they do is beautiful. It makes you think about what Jesus had to go through. It's always hard to think about what he endured because I can't keep it together and needed his sacrifice. While I'm incredibly thankful for His gift to us, it still saddens me. I to this day, cannot watch a Crucifixion scene without bawling.

Of all of the "Holy" days mentioned, today is not one. The day between the crucifixion and the Resurrection. I can picture the disciples sad and confused, awaiting some sort of sign from their savior. Praying that the Man they were following wasn't a lunatic. I imagine the disciples faced some public scrutiny. There was no doubt about it, the man they loved, respected and ultimately worshiped, was dead and in the grave. I would imagine there was anger and doubt. I also imagine that there was some faith that Jesus was still in fact, the Messiah.

Caedmon's Call describes today well in their song "Valleys Fill First"

"And it's like that long Saturday your death and the rising day When no one wrote a word, wondered is this the end. But you were down there in the well, saving those that fell. Bringing them to the mountain again".



So I call today "What Now?" Saturday. The church is empty today. However, it's A day of faith, for our Lord is to rise tomorrow. A day to reflect on the times that we doubt and remember how God proves to us over and over that he is there despite what we feel.

Have an awesome day!

*Yawn*

I'm feeling better then I did in my last post. I notice that when I take a break from our insane families, that I feel much much better. Matt and I have been spending extra time together, and it really does help. Because we've had so much on our plates lately, it seems like the only time we see each other is when we crawl into bed at night. It's getting better though, we just have to make sure we're taking the time to just relax with one another.

So last weekend we took a few trips to Lodi Lake so Scout could swim (he loves it!), and took some long walks. We got Chinese food, watched movies, and slept in. It was lovely. Not to mention, we've really needed the extra rest! Matt has taken up running, and can run quite fast. I think he feels more relaxed after he runs, plus it's good for him, so I'm glad! Then yesterday, we got up early for Sunday School, which we've just recently started going, and are doing the series "vintage Jesus" which I love! Then went to "big church" for worship, and left before the sermon... ;-0 we were both feeling a little bit ADD, and had to get out of there! Then we headed over to Vine and Branches for their grand re-opening. After that, we went to Lowe's, and picked up all of our gardening stuff, and planted our veggie garden. It was a great weekend, and I'm glad to be able to say I'm feeling refreshed! Being outside always makes me feel good!

Hopefully the "relaxed" trend continues for at least a little while before the next storm hits!