influenza = Not fun.

I am SICK. I don't have the sniffles, or even a cold. I have the FLU! I feel like death has tried to swallow me whole. I have a great husband that has been taking good care of me though. How grateful I am that he had yesterday off and was able to be with me!

My temperature has been a constant 101-103. It's miserable. I'm hoping and praying it will go down soon. I hear this will last about 3 days. I sure hope so!

So please, say a little prayer for me, will ya?

btw, I love popsicles!!

Fear of fear itself...

In recent days I've been experiencing higher levels of anxiety then I normally do. My life is less stressful now then it has been, but I can't seem to shake it. I've suffered from anxiety issues my entire life.

I actually remember my first anxiety attack. I was all of 9 years old. My parents had a friend, Sandy, that owned a pet store. Me, being the animal lover that I am, begged my parents to allow me to help out occasionally at her shop. So one day, they dropped me off. As the day progressed, Sandy started to talk about God. I didn't "know" God personally at the time, but remember believing that he was a good guy. Well, she told me that God was coming back in like 300 days and that if I didn't go to church with her that I would be left behind, my parents would die and I'd be alone. That people would be starving and there would be war and earthquakes. I was freaked. In fact, I went in the bathroom and cried, then asked to call my parents to pick me up.

While I know the truth now and know that she was part of a cult, I am still haunted by her words. I started having nightmares about the rapture, which I experience often to this day. While every other Christian I know is excited about the day of Christ's return, I have never been so fearful of anything in my entire life. It's terrible. I've even mentioned it to a friend just to be dismissed as "stupid". Talk about adding insult to injury...

I believe that one event was just a precursor for my anxiety disorder. I guess it could be many factors. Never feeling protected by my parents, always being told I was just too emotional or sensitive whenever I got hurt, having to take care of myself a lot. I don't really know. I just know that I'm not in control. I wish that was comforting, but it's not. God and I are in a constant power struggle. Ok, let's be honest, there is no competition, I can't win that one. It's the hardest thing for me to accept. When things feel out of my control, I crumble into a pile of tears. I have panic attacks. I can't function. I can just pray. That's all. Even that is half-hearted.

I'm learning that while God is in control of everything, he affords us the strength to get through whatever it is that is troubling us. How often I depend on myself, Matt, friends or sometimes the occasional self-help book to get me through times like this. At one point I even had a prescription for a medication that I was told would help get me through it and another one to help me sleep. I filled them both in desperation for a break. I was too scared to take them and flushed them down the toilet... Too scared to take the meds to make me less scared... sigh...

The only thing I should be desperate for is a deeper relationship with Jesus. A deeper understanding of His will, a deeper level of trust in Him. Anything else would vastly pale in comparison. If only I could get that message from my heart into my head.

Charity and Its Fruits

I've been reading this book for quite some time. In fact, while I'm one to normally breeze through books, "Charity and It's Fruits" has given me a run for my money.

I search for hidden humor in all things. This book has none. Normally a book of this kind wouldn't last 5 seconds in my possession. I'd have sold it on e-bay or given it to a friend by now. It's so thought provoking though that even though I'm reading it a page at a time, I can't stop thinking about it throughout the day. Jonathan Edwards is an amazingly hard-core writer.

In recent days, I've struggled with forgiveness. Anger has stolen my joy and buried the commandment to "Love thy neighbor". It makes my heart heavy that I've allowed anger to steal that from me. While I'm trying to get past it, it's one of the hardest things I've endured. It's good though to go through it. I have more compassion for those that struggle with anger, as I've seen how hard it is to overcome.


"Do you think the injuries you have received from your fellow-man are more than you have offered to God? Has your enemy been more base, more unreasonable, more ungrateful, than you have to the High and Holy One? Have his offenses been more heinous or aggravated, or more in number, than yours have been against your Creator, Benefactor, and Redeemer? Have they been more provoking and exasperating than your sinful conduct has been to him who is the author of all our mercies, and to whom you are under the highest obligations?"

Gosh, I feel like such a sinner when I read this.

My hands on lesson of reaping and sowing. Mostly sowing.

My gardening dream came true this week. I asked my father-in-law last week if there was any room to grow a tomato plant or two in their backyard (which is beautiful I might add). Thinking if there was any extra space I could use, it would be small at best, I thought the answer would be a "maybe". I was pleasantly surprised that he actually pointed to the right-hand side of the yard where it is over-grown with weeds and said I could have that entire side! Last year they planted more roses on that side, so I thought it just needed to be cleaned up again and that the roses were still alive. He informed me that they didn't make it, so if I was willing to do the work, I could plant a little garden! My heart seriously screamed with delight! There are also two smaller planters in the middle of the yard that he said I was free to use also! SCORE!!

So I asked Matt if my valentines’ gift could be some gardening stuff and he said I could get what I liked... double score! Sunday after church, we headed off to Lowes in search of some organic vegetable plants. To my dismay, I would have to wait a month. I decided I couldn't wait that long and that I'd grow from seed myself! I did however get some herb plants for one of the center planters. I got Parsley, mint, chocolate mint, sage, rosemary, basil, lavender, thyme and German Chamomile (tea time!!). I ordered the seed online a few months ago, but decided to just do half grown plants. Now back to seeds... ha ha. Organic please?

As I planted my seeds in small, indoor planters, I couldn't help but notice that each plant has special sowing instructions. Both hot and sweet peppers like heat, moist (but not wet) soil and all day sun, Zucchini likes lots of water, food and 6 hours of sun, green bean seeds have to be soaked overnight before planting and can't be planted outside until the indoor plant is 6 inches tall...etc...

Of course that made me think of the term "planting a seed in someone’s heart". No wonder the Bible used the seed as an example. The human heart and God mimics the relationship of seed and soil. Some hearts thrive when cared for one way and others another way. It made me think of how many seeds I've so carelessly sown, without caring for the heart of the person I shared God's love for. Leaving them to figure out how to get water without assistance. There is also a time to sow. This is why friendship evangelism weighs so heavily on my heart. I think some people aren't ready to accept God. So when the issue is forced, it can leave a relationship strained. If I plant a seed in the wrong season, it's less likely to grow or flourish. While I don't hide my relationship with God, I try not to scare people off with information they're not ready for.

When you harvest fruit, you can tell if it's ready when you can pull it off with a gentle tug. If you have to force it off the tree or the vine, it's not ripe for harvest. When I mention Christ to someone and they back away from the topic, they're not ready. So I can A. Keep tugging and potentially scare them off or B. let it go and continue to love them and be myself and pray for them. Of course there are those low-maintenance "seeds" that you can scatter and they'll grow in the strangest of conditions. However, that is quite rare.

So I guess my lesson was if I'm going to sow seeds, I better be prepared to care for them.

Better then I expected...

Last Tuesday was my first day of doing ministry in a long while. It feels good to be back, better then expected even. While I tend to be hesitant to move forward, I feel the holy spirit telling me that it's going to be ok.

Speaking of my good friend, the Holy Spirit. I never fully understood what people meant when they said how the spirit led them here or to do this or that. Because I tend toward the sensitive side, I've always been aware that I can't always rely on how I feel. I wonder how many times I actually dismissed the prompting of the Holy Spirit in an effort to suppress my own seemingly "over-emotional" feelings? Honestly, I don't even know if it works that way. When it comes to the "Spirit" I'm pretty clueless. That just proves how ungodly I really am.

Lately I've been praying that the Holy Spirit would reveal my sin to me. One reason is to recognize hidden sin so I can change it. Another reason is so I can be more amazed that I don't have to pay the penalty for my sin. How good is God that he saved us!? I, as a Christian become desensitized to the greatness of God. I constantly have to remind myself that what he did was an amazing gift! Not because I don't know, but because I want to feel the same way now as I did when it was all brand new. I crave those "first love" feelings that I felt towards God. Though with any "love" type relationship, I appreciate the deeper understanding that only comes with time. I've experienced that type of love only twice. My first with Jesus, and now my marriage to Matt. When the butterflies fly away and things are hard, the deep love remains. It's simply amazing.

Save the planet...K?

So I don't agree with everthing here, but I heart this picture...




I'm planning on having more then 2 children. However, I try pretty hard to do things that are good for the earth. The better we are to the earth, the better the earth is going to be to us :-)

The joruney to wellness.

I don't make new years resolutions. Not ever. However, my path to weight loss happened to start January 1st. It really had nothing to do with the start of the new year, but rather with the end of last year.

I've always struggled with my weight. For years it would slowly creep up on me and I'd do some diet and lose. Almost 5 years ago my diet tactics stopped working and I gained 40lbs. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't losing. I was super tired all the time and wasn't eating very much. Yet the pounds kept packing on. After a few visits to my doctor, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease. It sounds scary, but it's really just a thyroid that doesn't work the way it should.

Medication helped for about a year. I wasn't losing weight, but I felt better. Then I decided I wanted to try to treat myself with eating better and being more active. I cut out fast food and started taking loads of vitamins and drinking "Super Food". I didn't drink soda, but I ended up cutting out all caffeine; coffee and tea (both of which I love!!) and stuck to lots of water. My thyroid levels started to even out and I felt good. The weight still wouldn't come off. In fact I gained another 10lbs.

The last couple of years I haven't been so good. I haven't gained weight or lost weight, but I haven't been the most committed to my health. I discovered low carb dieting. I started a few times and lost weight both times. But was never committed for more then about a week. I was stressed out and I tend to eat comfort carbs. Most people believe that low carb is really unhealthy. However, I stay away from high fat foods and try to eat lean proteins. I also eat move veggies then they say you should, but I'm not cutting fresh foods out of my diet. Cutting white flour and sugar is one of the best things you can do for your body. Really!

So, being committed this time, I started Low carb. 12 days later I'm down 16lbs. I feel good, my clothes are getting a little bit big. It's been great. I'm really committed and it hasn't even been hard for me this time. Last night I made Matt some organic whole-wheat pasta and sauce and some chocolate chip cookies. I had a bite to taste it, and had no desire to ruin my diet by having another one. I think I'm just ready. Normally a bowl of pasta wouldn't last 5 minutes in front of me.

Next week I'm starting an intense aqua training that I'm excited about. Hopefully that will help me to lose weight and get some endurance. and hour a day 5 days a week. 2 days of intense aerobics, 2 days strength training and a treading class. I'm taking every Sunday off and eating carbs and resting. Last Sunday I was really nervous about taking a day off, but I didn't over do it with carbs and Monday morning I was back to low carb. So I think I'm OK!!

I'm excited to be thinner then I am, but seriously, I just want to be healthy again.

Falling of the face of the earth...

I must admit. Days like today, I just want to fall off the face of the earth. My day has been great. Everything around me is quiet. I enjoy the silence more then anything. I hate the pollution of sound. I don't really want to fall off the face of the earth. I just want people to forget that I exist for one day. Today I have unanswered and unread e-mails in my inbox, I have a host of missed calls and at least 5 voice mails. Most people know me to hate cell phones. There is always a friend that complains that they can never get a hold of me. I rarely apologize for it-- though I tend to apologize for everything else.

You see, everything has become so urgent. Cell phones have just added to the stress of life. Sure, they're convenient, but I think that we risk the position of being at each others beck and call for that convince. I don't mind being there for my friends. I'm sure most would agree though, that 99% of cell phone calls are not super important. I never want to be the person that relies on my phone so much that I'm lost without it. I'm probably the only person under the age of 80 on the face of the planet that still writes names and phone numbers into a book.

I just want one day where I don't feel that nagging anxiousness when the phone rings. I just want quiet. I want to go outside and hear nothing more then birds singing and trees blowing in the wind. One day enjoying something that doesn't have a plug on it or batteries. Playing cards or writing (actually using a pen) or doing nothing and having no expectations.

Oh what my dream would would look like. If you called me today. I'll get back to you tomorrow!

Simple=healthy?

I love the Internet. It opens me up to a world of information that I would not have otherwise. Matt and I have been thinking a lot about organic living. Now, even though this is a growing trend, most people don't understand that the benefits are not just for us, but for the health of the earth as well. I firmly believe that the rise in cancers and other diseases is a direct cause and effect from what we eat. Hormones and pesticides are killing us and are contaminating the earth. We're growing our food with poison...

There are a lot of Christians that believe we can rape the earth of it's resources because of the return of Christ and that we might not be here very long. I say that is a very poor way to treat something that God created for us. I want to tread lightly on earth. I don't want the generations that follow me to have asthma and cancers harder to treat then the ones we already have because Christ "might" return before then.

I want a garden more then anything. Gardens are simple. You plant a seed in the ground and you water it and it grows. No need for fertilizer or weed killers. I want home grown tomatoes and carrots and zucchini. I want healthy foods you can eat without worrying what you're putting into your body.

I have to say, Matt and I are starting off very slowly in trying to live more organically. One reason is because we live in an apartment. No room for a garden. :-( Plus it is more expensive and with just starting out, we don't have the budget. However, we do buy free-range organic eggs, Hormone free, organic milk -- though we ran out and Matt had to buy what s-mart had, not organic (!!) Oh well, we're trying right! We have lots of fruit stands, so I try to buy locally grown produce as much as I can. Sometimes even though it's not "certified" organic, things are still grown using organic methods -- with compost and good watering, not chemicals. We occasionally find deals on organic meat, but we don't eat a lot of meat. I make almost everything vegetarian. Matt doesn't care as long as it tastes good. I am making chicken and rice soup for dinner tonight though...

I'll be posting more about organic living later :-)

Why do I want to be invisible?

I've been thinking about this question for months. It all started when I was flipping through channels one night when I couldn't sleep. There was a motivational speaker on the public television station. I stopped to listen for a brief moment. The man repeated all of the lines you always hear. It was "shoot for the stars" "never give up" "reach for your goals" "leave your footprint". While I don't completely disagree with those statements, I'm confused by the fact that they were used so generically.

That night I didn't get much sleep. In fact I laid there wondering why I was so content with my simple life. To tell you the truth, I questioned myself a lot in those wee hours. I thought a lot about Jesus between thoughts. Did Jesus shoot for the stars? The answer was no. Of course I'm not saying that Jesus didn't do remarkable things during his life. It's obvious that he did. Even with the amazing things that Jesus did on earth, the most remarkable thing about him is that his life was remarkably simple. He didn't have status, he didn't have money, he had some friends and some enemies. Jesus loved people. I mean love in the sense of action. He loved people without return. He loved people that no one else had ever loved. That love for maybe a few hundred people all together in a few different towns made a big impact on the world. Jesus didn't have to shoot for the stars. He just had to love people and that's what he did.

I want to live an intentional life. I want to love without reservation. I don't want to leave footprints. A footprint is something you see on something that has been stepped on. I want to leave gentle hand prints on those I come across. I don't want to stand out because of a outfit I'm wearing or a car that I drive or the house I live in. I want to stand out to to a stranger that I hold the door open for at the gas station, the mom that needs a break from her kids, the friend that needs to talk or the animal that was abandoned.

I don't care about how big my TV is or what brand my shoes are. It's not important to me. I just want an ordinary life. I don't see anything wrong with that.