Going First...

It's hard to describe the million different emotions I've felt this week. Intense fear, relief, peace, stomach-churning anxiety, happiness, and  more vulnerability than I've allowed myself to experience in a very long time. Feelings are uncomfortable-- especially when you're a sensitive Sally like me.  Even more so when you're dealing with an anxiety disorder like I am.

I've been keeping my heart safe. Putting up nearly impenetrable walls in a feeble effort to protect myself from any pain. Diving into work, and our house and distracting myself from life. I got myself into a comfortable routine. For me , panic attacks are nearly non-existent in routine. My mind is so occupied  at work that I don't panic there. A solid 8 hours of sleep, and a hot bath keeps me grounded. It's when I'm alone, tired and vulnerable-- a bundle of thoughts, concerns and insecurities. It's an internal terror that I don't ever want to face. I'm in tears just writing that. It controls me. Churning inside of my heart and mind until I would do almost anything to make it stop. It's a desperately painful cycle. The more panic attacks I have, the more overall anxious I become.  It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. Just waiting for impact. All. The. Time.

This week threw me out of my routine. Both beautifully and painfully so. I experienced some reconciliation in a relationship. If I were being totally honest. I'd say I'm terrified. I know that there will be bumps, and expectations. I know how broken I am when it comes to relationships. The older you get, the more aware of your faults you become. I'm aware-- very aware of my shortcomings. I don't want to mess things up. I really hope I don't. Really.

We had family in town this week. I didn't eat well. I didn't sleep well. I let tense situations get to me, and have paid in panic attacks. I've spent time alone in tears all while assuring others that I'm okay. Even tonight. even with Matt. I'm tired of burdening people with it. At the same time I know how important it is for me to be honest about it. I want to go first. I want to make my issue a sorce of comfort for people that struggle with the same things. I want people to know that I'm not perfect. I find the most freedom in that. I want others to feel that freedom.

If I were honest, I would admit that I feel like I'm drowning. I forgot how terrible the panic makes me feel. Or how much of a pretty face I put on because I don't want people to know, or worry about me.

If I were honest, I'd say I don't know what to do. I can't always control my routine. Does that mean I'm always going to struggle with this?

If I were honest, I would tell you how much I just want to run away. But I know from experience that that doesn't fix a thing.

I'm a total hypocrite. Not even 24 hours ago I was doling out advice based on my struggles. Advice that I've clearly ignored today. That makes me angry at myself.

I have to figure this out.

Keep Suckin' 'Till You Do Suck Seed!

   I received some good news today. Sometimes you get news that makes your heart jump a bit out of your chest, followed by an almost nauseating excitement. That was me today. My heart is happy, and I've accomplished something I set out to do. It's a good feeling!

  Am I the only one that self-sabotages my success? I consider myself to be a play-it-safe kind of person. It's only in the last few years that I've taken more risks. I'm more honest with people-- even if it means being unpopular. I'm more honest with myself, even when I hate to admit the truth to myself, and I put myself out there more often, even if I may fail. It's not easy for me-- but like fine wine, I've improved with age. That being said, mere minutes after feeling happy and excited, I freaked out. What if I'm not good enough? What if I've done my very best only to be critiqued --critically so-- by those better than I am? Stupid brain!

  Then the self-pity kicked in. "Matt will be the only one happy for me" I whined to myself. And you know what, maybe that's true. When you don't really have family, and you're so low maintenance that your friends often forget that you exist, you can feel lonely. I feel lonely like that a lot. Why can't my own excitement be the only excitement I need? Ugh.

  Maybe success isn't as comfortable than I wanted or expected. But its success none the less. That being said-- I'm happy again. I'm thankful that God made me who I am-- and call it confidence, or pride, but I'm happy for me. I needed this!

 

One of the Best...

My birthday week has come and gone. I was actually sad to see it go this year. I can't recall a better birthday-- really! Who knew being 31 could be so fun?

We left early Monday morning, and made it to Hollywood by 11am. Neither of us had ever really been (besides a trip to universal studios a very long time ago). It was so so crowded! What we didn't know is there was a free Paul McCartney concert going on that night, (and Justin Timberlake the next) so needless to say we didn't do the sightseeing we expected. Not to mention, Hollywood isn't that exciting for people that don't get Starstruck. I, sadly, don't get very excited about celebrities. The industry is fascinating though!

We escaped the crazy Hollywood traffic, and headed to downtown Disney for lunch. Because of some tweeks to my work schedule, I had to be home earlier than I planned, so we decided against visiting Disneyland. It was a bit sad, but I can't just go for one day! We opted to go to our hotel, which was a really nice suite. We took a nap, watched TV, went swimming, ate pizza, talked, and went to sleep. It was a perfectly simple night

My birthday morning, we woke up early, and met some friends at Storytellers cafe. We ate yummy food, and I got a cute little Mickey cupcake! Matt was able to get us guaranteed tickets for The Big Bang Theory filming for that night, so we headed to Burbank, and walked around for awhile. The Standby line for the show was HUGE! We love the show, probably for the same reason everyone else does. It's nerdy, funny but mostly, it's smart. While Im not a movie-watcher, I like TV shows. Low commitment, funny, and if you miss an episode you're usually okay! I've liked The Big Bang Theory since it started. My aunt and uncle introduced us to it, and we've been hooked since.

We were in line, and once they saw tickets, we were ushered to the front of the line, which I, of course, felt guilty about (because that's how I roll) but Matt reminded me that it was my birthday, and it's okay to be excited. I have to be reminded, and had to be reminded again after only 23 of the at least 200 people in the standby line were admitted I the show. Crazy!

While we were walking to the studio, Matt was stopped twice by Warner Brothers employees because they thought he was Sean Hayes (Will and Grace, Sean Saves the World). He really does look like him-- it's uncanny! Once we got in, we were pretty amazed by the sets! They were so small compared to what they look like on TV. Again, as much as I don't get starstruck, I was really giddy about being behind the scenes! It's so interesting!

We were seated right in front of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, where most of the scenes are filmed, which was nice! Before they started filming, they showed us the episode "The Scavenger Vortex" , which is on tonight! It hadn't been edited to fix sound, but it was really funny! Once it was over, they introduced the cast, then they started shooting.

The episode was called "The Workplace Proximity". Amy gets a job at Sheldon's university, and Sheldon decides he doesn't want her to work there. It's pretty funny! What was interesting is that they tweaked jokes around-- actually rewrote them right there if we, as the audience, weren't responding as well as they wanted. That was a cool process to watch! Especially because we don't know which jokes they kept or tossed, so watching the episode will be interesting! They shot each scene at least twice. Jim Parsons had a ton of lines, and fumbled far more than anyone else. However, he was really serious, and apologetic to his fellow cast mates. He had just won an Emmy-- maybe all that partying took its toll!

Mark Sweet (famous hypnotist, comedian) was our warm-up guy.. He was quite funny, but the audience participation was too much for me. It was loud, and my head was killing me because of it! I didn't need to be entertained, I was already being entertained! Everything they did in set was so precise. They make it seem perfectly unrehearsed, but it's truly a well-oiled machine.

Filming lasted a little over two hours, with a food break in between. They fed us pizza and water, which was good considering we hadn't eating in quite some time! We got out a little after 9, then drove the 5 hours home. We're so glad we or away-- even for a night!  It was truly a great Birthday!

A Big Bang of a Birthday!

31.

Wow!

I never thought I would have lived as many years as Baskin Robbins has flavors. Here I am on the cusp of my 31st year of life. I'm happy, I'm blessed, and no matter what craziness is around me, I feel truly thankful for everything I have. I've always talked about how much provision God has had over my life. It's true! I can look back and see sudden changes in the course of my life that shouldn't have happened. They can only be explained by God. That truly amazes me.

I can honestly say, I'm not where I thought I would be at 31. I thought I would be a stay-at-home mom with 2.5 kids and a mini van. When I was 25 I thought that would make me happy. That was my dream life. In 6 short years everything changed. My hopes and dreams changed, and while a family is still part of the plan, becoming a Veterinarian is also part of that plan. It's an exciting time in my life. I'm even working with two recent UC Davis DVM grads that have been giving me lots of pointers for when I start applying! I'm so so happy! I'm also happy to say that I've only had two (!) panic attacks in the last month! Whew! Seriously amazing!

So tomorrow morning Matt and I head to LA for a couple of days to celebrate. Matt amazingly scored us tickets to see a taping of The Big Bang Theory taping of my Birthday, and made brunch plans at Storyteller's Café with some friends that are already in Disneyland. Yay for 31st birthdays! Hoping for another 31+ years!

Friends Don't Let Friends Pet Unicorns...

I don't see myself as at all delusional. I think things through to a fault, and hammer out the smallest details of every single thing. I've always been this way. I have thoughts, dreams, timelines and plans. I have flow charts and yellow legal pads of pros and cons (a la Ted Mosbey) all in my head. I have to force my brain over to "sleep mode" at night, and if I wake up in the middle of the night, I have to start "shutdown" all over.

This being said, Im still a girl in every sense of the word. I have emotions, feelings and far too many heart strings to be pulled at. I struggle with confidence, and self worth. I second guess every single decision, and have to battle my way out of depression and anxiety more often than I care to admit. I wonder if my prayers are heard (they are), I wonder if my husband loves me (he does), and I am on a constant quest for peace and balance. This is why I blog. I need to get it all out. And while you wouldn't know it if you actually read this blog, I bottle things up. And when you have a brain that goes 1000mph that is a lot of bottling. This is my safe haven. I don't worry too much about what people read here. It's freeing to say how I really feel. When you are a people pleaser, you don't always feel like you can be honest. Here I am. Not that I'm always right, or I have all the answers, just how I honestly feel.

I have always had out hope that our situation would change. That our families would have a coming to Jesus moment, and realize that there is a better way to live. That you can have good, healthy relationships with your kids/siblings. You can be imperfect, but love. If I could grant myself one wish in life it would be for a healthy family life. I've prayed, cried, and questioned over our families. I've asked God to fix things. But it's just not going to happen. The idea that things will change is my unicorn. Sometimes it raises its sparkly head from the ground, and I hop on, stroking its head, and watching the glittered ground ahead. Then, as fast as it springs up, it bucks me off, the glitter fades away and I'm left with the aftermath of pain and unmet expectations.

Then I remember that I'm not wanted in glittery, unicorn land. I passively allow myself to be abused or accused until anger explodes. I can't let the unicorns get close because as soon as my guard is down, they impale me with their sparkly horns. Every effort misconstrued, every action, intention, word, or moment of silence is met with a preconceived dysfunctional opinion of why I did, said or thought it. Unicorn land is exhausting. One unicorn asks you to do something, the other unicorn is angry because you did what the first unicorn asked, and you leave every situation more and more frustrated. Then when you're frustrated, you're not being "nice" so you are pinned as the animal control officer of unicorn land.

The problem is unicorns aren't real, but these emotions are.

Fulfillment...

In life there are many things we have to do. Many rules we have to adhere to, many expectations to live up to. For a lot of years I lived life for other people. I strived to please everyone and would bend over backwards to make people feel happy. I got satisfaction from feeling like I was providing for a need, or just making someones day a bit brighter.

Over the years, that enthusiasm has faded. Not for the people I'm close to, but for people that liked me only because of the things I did, and not because of who I am. I'll be the first to admit-- I'm on the quirky side. My humor is weird, dry and feeble, I've had a lot of crazy stuff happen in my life, and sometimes that makes me unrelateable, I'm both outgoing and painfully shy depending on the situation. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be everyone's cup of tea.

When you've valued yourself based on your value to others for years, it can cause you to feel unfulfilled. Any feeling based on the feeling of another is bound to waver on occasion. For me, this is where I felt God stepped in. There was a few years ago that a lot of my "friendships" seemed to crumble. Of course, I was the common denominator, and my self worth plummeted. I really started to examine why this was happening. It took me a while, but I realized why these relationships were failing. It was because I was no longer making as much effort. I didn't actually realize it, but I was just distracted with being a wife, a good friend to my closest friends, and working. I was taking care of me for one of the first times in my life.

While those days were filled with hurt (who wants to feel like people hate them?) I'm in a way better place. I feel like I've found my voice.  I stand up for myself, and if something is bothering me, I speak up. It's not popular, but no longer allowing people to say whatever they want, or have giant expectations is worth every second. Thank the good lord for boundaries!

Love.

Love has always been a hard concept for me to understand. I'm not sure how "normal" that is since nothing in my life has ever been normal. I think about the different kinds of love fairly often. I also think about how to practice love as well. I feel like maybe it shouldn't be as difficult as I make it. 

 I grew up in a house where love was not present. Not between my parents, not between my sister and I, and not between my sister and I and my parents. "I love you" was not a phrase spoken in our house. I grew up not thinking, but knowing that I was considered an unwanted burden. I was told that I was a "mistake" all the time. My mother blamed me because she married my dad when she found out she was pregnant with me. 

How that crap tends to stick with you! 

My first experience with love came from going to church when I was 11. I was told about a God that "loved" me. But I didn't even really understand what that meant. I remember someone explaining that even if I was the only person on earth, he still would've died for me because he loved me so much. I still don't believe that. Call it poor self-esteem if you will, but I can't even imagine that being true. As much as I can say I have a deep relationship with God, the love the love stuff is still a tough pill to swallow. It just doesn't even compute. 

My second real experience with love has been with Matt. Growing up in a loveless house really screws with every relationship. It took me a long time to tell him I loved him. I still openly question his love for me, even though I know in my head that he does, my heart struggles. When you feel unloveable, of course you question how someone can love you. I put him through the ringer questioning his love for me all the time. He, somewhat patiently, puts up with this, and I figure if I can't recognize love in a normal form, then I can recognize that even though I question his love, he keeps loving me. He doesn't leave. He just keeps trying to tell me. Maybe one day I'll understand. 

I definitely struggle with "loving my enemy". I have a hard enough time feeling like I adequately love  my friends and family. Somehow no matter how much effort I've put into enemy love, it has never panned out well. 

My biggest struggle is the idea of having a child, and knowing how to show them love, and affection. I feel exceedingly inadequate. Not to mention that neither of our families are particularly "loving". I don't really know what the right thing is when you struggle with love. Do you pursue a family and pray that you learn how to love correctly? Do you just not go there because you don't want to screw another person up as much as you're screwed up? I have no idea. It's not that I don't believe I am incapable of love, as much as I don't have that parental love to reflect back on. That scares me.

Oh the thoughts you wake up with at 4am! 

Concerts, Shootings, and Space.

Matt and I just spent a long weekend enjoying the nice weather of Monterey, and the music of Spirit West Coast. We enjoyed a ton of concerts, and working with K-Love radio for the weekend . Getting away is always a huge blessing to me! I thrive when I'm away from my crazy life. I wish I could be a professional vacationer!

The timing of our trip couldn't have been better! Late Wednesday night, Matt and I were packing up our car for our trip, when I heard people outside arguing. Our house is in a pretty quiet neighborhood, but the apartments across the street, like most apartments in Stockton, are a bit sketch. We hadn't had a single problem until then. Matt went outside just being a bit nosey, when one guy pulled out a gun and shot the other guy. Thankfully Matt heard the click of the gun before the first shot was fired and was able to get into the house and on the floor, but holy cupcakes was it terrifying! I quickly scrambled to find my phone and called the police. We had at least 8 police cars and an ambulance in front of our house within a couple of minutes. The victim was taken by ambulance, and I guess was expected to be okay. Matt was interviewed by the police for awhile, and then needless to say, we left.

I'd be lying if I said that having a shooting right in front of our house didn't make me anxious, but I've handled it much better than I expected. In fact, besides a few random panic attacks (like last night when I woke up with knee pain and convinced myself I have bone cancer...), I've been way way less anxious in general. Though I would probably attribute my newfound not-so-anxiousness to avoiding both people and situations that stress me out. I have someone in my life that scrutinizes and criticizes everything I do, and simply not being around them has done wonders for my stress level! Who knew? 

Now that we're back to real life, I've thrown myself back into the world of Veterinary medicine, and out of school-- at least for the semester. Examining x-rays, assisting surgeries, and drawing lots and lots of blood is how my days are spent. I wouldn't have it any other way! 

Character is (hopefully) not dead...

Being the anxious girl I am, I'm often a bit taken back by the world we live in. It can be a scary place. That being said, I feel like my life is pretty safe. I'm healthy, we live in a pretty quiet part of town, I married someone I knew for years before our relationship became romantic, and I am cautious by nature. I realize that any security is a false sense of security. Bad things happen unexpectedly all the time. I try to keep that in the corner of my mind. I like the idea of being more realistic and less surprised (about an hour after starting this blog I found out my identity was stolen...talk about timing...).

I tend to forget about my security, and how fortunate I am to have it. However, I was reminded last week while on my way to a concert with some older, single friends. We talked at length about romantic relationships, and how much harder they are when you're older. I was only 24 when Matt and I were married. He was my first serious boyfriend. I didn't go through any heartache, or break-ups. Again, my life has been safe. For these girls--they've endured the fix-ups, the comments about "not getting any younger" (which is annoying--Matt and I get that one all the time because we don't have kids), the assumptions that they are now too "set in their ways" for a relationship. Not to mention the bad dates with weird guys. I never considered how it is to find a good relationship.


All that being said, I don't believe character is dead. When I think about these awesome women, I remember that there are probably some really awesome single men that have had their share of comments, and bad experiences too. More than anything though, I think that these women will be just fine even if they never find that guy. They are independent, creative, smart and wonderful people. They go out and have fun, and are happy! Their singleness is not built on dysfunction, but that they'd rather be single than settle. I like that.

 I learned my own lesson from our concert-bound conversation. That we have a choice to be happy and live a good life despite our circumstances. Waiting around for things to change and not allowing ourselves to enjoy the right now is a waste of a good life. Thank you my sweet, amazing single friends! You rock!

New Adventures in Home Ownership!

Being a home-owner is pretty sweet. Sure, it is fraught with hard work. Evidenced by forgetting our new trash schedule, our sink backing up into our bathtub, and waking up to half of our walnut tree in the street. That being said, it has been a huge answer to prayer. For years we weren't really sure where we wanted to end up. While we know Stockton is not going to be our forever home, we still have some years here. We were definitely growing out of apartment life, and I was sure tired of half of our belongings living in storage. Our dogs were practically begging for a bigger yard, Matt needed some garage space, I wanted an area to be crafty (thanks Pinterest), and since the "will we or won't we" baby talk officially begun, it was a no-brainer.

After everything we went through to get this house, I could cry every time we walk in the door. I wake up so thankful that it's really ours. It's glorious, albeit humble, but it is ours. While I'm really looking forward to the day when I feel like the work is finished, We are enjoying the process. It really is a ton of fun! As long as our air conditioner keeps pumping out cold air (can you believe this HOT weather?) I will continue to love our little house!