Broken Stained-Glass Windows, The Fragments Ramble On...

What to do when nothing is enough. A void that craves fulfillment. An insatiable hunger. An unrequited love.

How do you respond to someone who is unsatisfied despite effort by all?

This is a question I've frequently asked myself. Because I have this life filled with difficult, high maintenance people, I often have to reassess relationships. This is one burden I'd rather not bare. It's draining. It's frustrating. As much as I've been ignoring some of them out of sheer lack of time, they're always there. We're always trying to figure out the right way to go about it. Sometimes this makes me angry. Always trying to do the right thing while the other person doesn't really care. I struggle with resentment. Right now though, I'm annoyed and angry. Honestly, I shouldn't be because it's really not about me. However, having a "speck" in my eye pointed out over and over while the other person has a 2x4 sticking out of their eye is frustrating. I'm far far far from perfect, but gracious, is it wrong to pray that someone gains self-awareness and also that they learn to see beyond themselves? There is a whole world out there, and expecting it to revolve around you will always leave you disappointed.

**Side note: I know those of you with great, functional family and friends don't get it when I post things like this, so kindly ignore. However, feeling alone in this for years prompted me to be honest about the struggles I go though with my family. It's not always pretty or positive, but it's my life. It's real. It's sometimes brutal.***

Sometimes it's exhausting being around people that need constant attention, validation and praise, and be the bad guy if you don't constantly dish it out. To not only be the one someone calls on whenever they need something, but also the punching bag that they project all of their problems onto. To seriously get nothing out of a relationship that you have to be in. To not ever ask anything, yet still always be the bad guy. Something just set me off with it today. I just want to fix everything, but some things are not in my hands.

Today after feeling annoyed, the song "Art In Me" by Jars of Clay popped into my head. Mostly this lyric:

"In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, see the art in me"

I'm trying to "get" it. To understand this need for constant affirmation. To not feel resentment or frustration. To just to figure out why I've been the subject of so much strange competition and comparison, and not let it bother me when I see the injustice in the accusation. Because their issues don't have to be my issues. All I can do is pray for more compassion and less annoyance. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a struggle.

Happy Valentine's Day

Love,

 Moseley

One Word.

Oh, the craziness that is making New Years Resolutions. I always make them. I never follow through with them. I'm really hard on myself, so for me, it just breeds self-hatred. This year I vowed that my resolution would be not to make one. Besides that, I've been too distracted to even really think about it. I know some people who are not doing a resolution, but are doing "My One Word". www.myoneword.com My One Word is the idea that you just pick one word as you mantra for the year. That I can do! It only took about 2 seconds for me to pick my word:

Courage

If there is anything I want to focus on this year, courage is it. The last five months I have been overcome by fear and anxiety. There is not a day that goes by where I'm not in fear of something. Some days it's a dull fear that lasts all day, and others it's full on panic attacks. I can easily say this has been one of the biggest trials of my life. I have headaches every single day, and I clinch my jaw so tightly that my whole face hurts. My heart pounds, I get dizzy, I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes it's so bad that I seriously feel like I have something seriously wrong with me medically, and I'm going to die. I'm not sure why I'm going through this, and I world be lying if I said I haven't questioned God as to why I feel so unsafe. I'm just trying to lean on the promise that He will use this for good. That this trial like any other will give me perseverance. That He will never leave me.

I want to have courage. I want to be able to face things in my life without being afraid. I need to have enough courage to allow myself to let go of the things in my life that make me feel this way. Courage is what I need, and what I will try to focus on this year. I'm definitely ready for it!

T-Day Aftermath

I absolutely LOVE the holiday season! I don't get stressed about gift-buying, shopping, decorating, baking or cooking. I really just enjoy the season. I love the spirit in the air. It makes me happy.

Yesterday, we did the traditional family Thanksgiving. The last few years Matt and I have opted out of family holidays in an attempt to experience non-stressful drama-free days, but this year we joined Matt's family. It was okay, or maybe normal. I don't really know what a "normal" family looks like, but I only wanted to sit in the corner and drink a few times, and I didn't cry, so that's a pretty okay day. I'll take what I can get!

Unfortunately, I have spent my entire week sick with this bad upper respiratory sinus thing. Today, my goal was to drown those pesky sick germs in leftover dressing, sleep and hot tea. I'm feeling better. so I'm hoping it worked!

Now onto to Christmas! Truly my favorite time of year!

These Lines On The Road

 The last few weeks I've been having lots of conversations with people. I'm starting to feel human more like myself, and I'm glad. I'm a conversationalist by nature, but tend to be more reclusive and quiet when I'm feeling anxious. It's felt nice to have real connection with people again. I was starting to miss that.

 One of my favorite things about trials is their ability to weed-out bad relationships. I feel like I always have all of these people that are my "best friend" when I'm needed. Of course, part of being friends is leaning on one another, and I'm more than okay with that. It's the lack of reciprocity that I've always been frustrated with. It makes me incredibly thankful for the people in my life that pray for me, encourage me, extend to me an extra measure of grace, and make me laugh. It's a huge blessing!

I've always been so worried about what people think about me. I have people in my life that silently judge me, and question my intentions. People that don't make effort to really know me because they think they already know me. It used to bother me. I used to try to bend over backwards trying to prove myself. Going through this made me feel like I'm growing out of that. Frankly, I don't feel the need to justify myself. Especially to people that I don't have a real relationship with. It's so liberating! I can invest in the relationships that are truly important in my life, and let the others be what they are.

The thing I'm most thankful for this year is ebb and flow. For the times that bring great delight, and the trials that bring reflection and growth. While my last few months have been the later, I'm truly thankful that I'm even here to experience it. Blessings in disguise are sometimes the best blessing of them all.


Whatever may come, and whatever may go, that river's flowing, that river's flowing.

Humility Makes Us Real.

Things have been a bit better. I'm not having panic attacks nearly as often, which is a giant blessing! Still a few here and there that are mostly health related (gotta send my thank you note to google for making me think every symptom of anxiety is cancer, a heart attack or a brain aneurysm... super fun...) which make me feel every symptom of what I'm fearing. It's the strangest thing.

I've come up with an action plan when I start to feel the anxiety coming on. I made a playlist on my iphone called "Peace Like A River" and that has really helped me. Only light, positive music allowed. Going into a quiet room and hitting shuffle is often all it takes to calm me down. I also do some deep breathing, drink cold water, and pray. And while sometimes it sneaks up on me, and I have one, I'm learning to just pray through it, and recite verses to myself


Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.

Or sometimes song lyrics

Empty my hands
 Fill up my heart
 Capture my mind with you

Why should I be troubled
When His tender word I hear
Know I rest on His goodness
In my doubt and in my fear

I have struggled with anxiety since early childhood. I cried every morning I was dropped off at school from Kindergarten until 3rd grade because I was afraid something would happen to my parents while I was away. I've always had a tremendous fear of death, dying, and even the rapture. The only reason I can come up with is the vast amount of death I witnessed in my childhood. I'm the youngest child in my family born to older parents what were born to older parents. All of my older relatives were much older then most kids had at my age. I grew up with people I was close to dying all the time. Some strokes, heart problems, cancer, accidents, drug overdose, a drowning. 13 people before I was 18, and my dad and last grandparent in my early 20's. My parents didn't protect me from any details (and would often take me to the funeral home to "visit" when I was far to young to understand.) Which reminds me of this part of the movie Home Alone

 "Have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home?"
"No, no. but I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. yeah, it was terrible too. we were all distraught and me and the wife left the little tike there in the funeral parlor all day, you know, all day. when we went back, when we came to our senses and there he was. apparently he was there all day alone with the corpse. he was okay, you know, after like six, seven weeks. came around, started talking again. but he’s okay, you know, they get over it. kids are resilient."

Bahahahaha!! But seriously, it screwed me up. Add the people my age that have had cancer, accidents, and the like. It's made me seriously fearful.

I was doing some running for a concert in Sacramento last night, and I'm standing in the middle of Chik-Fil-A picking up food when I get a phone call from a friend telling me she just found out she has brain cancer. It took everything in me to not have a full blown attack right there. I can't process that. I can't understand how. It's beyond my understanding, and strength. She has 3 kids. Those are the times my questions become dangerous. Why would God allow that, and selfishly, if he allowed her to have it, why would he protect me from it?

That is where anxiety and sin meet. It's a constant self-focus. It's telling God that I don't need him, that I can deal with these things myself. I can't. As desperately as I want to be in control, I'm not. That is a hard pill for me to swallow. I'm learning that the key to peace is humility. To submit to his will--whatever that may be and trust that he will make all things right. This my friends, is a struggle.

Keep Calm? Right.

I have been going through my own personal hell. No way to sugarcoat it, or put a happy spin. I can't name a time where I felt quite this bad. I've said it before--panic disorder is no joke.

The first recent major panic attack I had started with a tingle in the back of my head. I've had this pre-panic symptom before, but I was sick with food poisoning (I think) the evening before, so I dismissed it as part of not feeling well. It all went down hill from there. I started feeling short of breath, and my heart started racing. As soon as I felt that way, I knew what was about to happen. I told Matt what was happening, and started making tea. Then I jumped in the shower. Sometimes a hot shower relaxes me enough to get through it, but this time it didn't. I frantically called Matt into the bathroom because I was terrified to be alone. My heart felt like it was going to explode, my face, arms and hands felt numb. All I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin. To escape. I couldn't. I was held a prisoner of my own terror for almost two hours. While one part of me was convinced that I was dying, the other part of me wished I just would. No, I'm not suicidal, but in the chaos of feeling that way, your mind takes you to a crazy place.

Matt was doing all he could do to console me. Sometimes me wanting him to be right there, other times not wanting to be touched, or talked to. One second telling him that I was feeling better, and the next I was rolled up into a ball crying, and begging him for the tea I made. The minutes felt like hours. Once I finally started feeling better I just fell asleep. I had nothing left. I was both physically and emotionally drained. The whole thing was crazy and terrifying. I was honestly convinced that something was seriously wrong with me, but at the same time knew it was panic. So confusing.

I've probably had 15 more since that night. There is no easy way to predict them. No easy way to control them. Several times they happen in the middle of the night. The best way I've found to get through it is sitting outside in the middle of the backyard praying. Sometimes in 5 minutes I'm better. Sometimes it's an hour. The only nice thing is after I have one, I'm so tired that I sleep really well. The crappy part is that for the last two weeks my whole body hurts because of the tension, which in turn makes me anxious, which in turn gives me panic attacks. The most vicious of circles.

I don't now why this is happening. I don't know how to stop it. I do know it's time to stop delaying getting some serious professional  help. I was hoping and praying that it would just stop on it's own. Not sure why I'm going through this. I can easily say it's been the darkest few weeks of my life. I know that I'm being allowed to go through this for a reason. But in the middle of an attack, it's really hard for me to come up with a good reason. I'm definitely ready for some healing!

The Reciprocity Project...

  Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how we interact with people when it comes to good deeds, and gift giving. I've always been uncomfortable with getting gifts, and people doing things for me. I'm not sure where this awkwardness in me originates from, but it's there. I've always had this fear that I'm not going to show the right amount of appreciation to the person doing the giving. On top of the fact that I hate the idea of owing anyone anything. You know that feeling when someone gets you a Christmas gift, but you didn't get them anything. Yeah, multiply that by about a million and you have me. While I know that a lot of people give without expecting anything in return, it's still nice to feel appreciated.

 One of my worst nightmares happened about two years after Matt and I got married. Shortly after our wedding I had written all of my thank you cards, and a family member offered to address them and send them for me. I took her up on her offer. So imagine my HORROR when I was helping this person clean out a spare room, and found all of my thank you notes neatly addressed, complete with stamps in a shoebox. Oy Vey. After having a mini emotional breakdown, I hoped and prayed that people knew how much I appreciated them AND their gift. It still haunts me to this day!

Thinking about all of this inspired me. Why guess if someone knows how much you appreciate them, when you can express it to them? I know in my life, there have been so many people that have done things for me--even though they knew it wouldn't be easy for me to accept. So many people that have encouraged me, inspired me, and blessed me with something, even if they didn't know they were doing it. I have been truly blessed by people, their love, generosity, prayers.

Today, I sat down and made a list of those people. It was way longer than I thought for some reason. Then I broke out my little black calendar and started assigning each person to a week (which ended up being about 42 weeks). Each week, I will do something for that person. Send a note, deliver some coffee, bake them cookies, or whatever, and let them know why, and how much I appricate them. I'm so excited to do this! I feel like I have a lot of things that I've always meant to say, but never have. :-)

The Writing Process...

I can't remember a time in my life where a pen and paper weren't my first outlet to express my thoughts. I've always run to a journal, or notebook whenever I need to get things out. there is something both cathartic, and comforting about pen meeting paper, and the sometimes jumbled thoughts in my head being made cohesive, and concice. I've found not only does it bring me peace to get my feelings out, but also to read my thoughts back to myself. It may sound strange, but I'm not only better able to connect with God through my writing, but it helps me to better connect with myself. I've struggled with finding my place, and identity. There are many times where I was confused about a situation, and as soon as I read my feelings back to myself I'd have a moment of deep clarity about the situation. The more I read when I've written, the more I know myself.

  The last few years, call it business, or even laziness, but I stopped journaling. Sure, I blog on occasion, but it's not the same. I don't just allow myself to spew. While I've always used blogging as a place to share, and not just to write for the sake of writing, it can never take the place of pen to paper. So I made a commitment to start writing again. I've decided to make this a priority as it's a bit of self-therapy. Instead of my typical journaling of the past, I've decided to do some art journaling. I already have my arsenal ready, complete with new, blank-paged journal, colored pencils, markers, and the like. I was writing the first page last night, and I loved everything about it when I was done. Not only because I made it look nice, but also because there is intense beauty in total, raw honesty. It makes me excited to keep writing.

Great Expectations.

I'm learning that sometimes my greatest downfall is having high expectations of the people in my life. I always say that I'm a bit of a disgruntled idealist. I want things to be good, and great and perfect. I want everyone to get along, and respect each-other. I want people to be themselves, and allow others to be themselves. However, this is a pipe-dream this side of heaven. There will always be injustice (and I know a thing or two about injustice lately). There will always be different opinions. Opinions that can't be either kept to oneself, or conveyed in a respectful way. There will always be butting heads, frustrating situations, arguments. It's not an issue of not wanting to be "real", but of respecting each other. I can't stress how much I hate it. I don't know why I have such an aversion for conflict. I just do. I just want so badly for things to be good.

So I guess the question isn't so much how to have things be perfect, but how to deal with imperfect situations. How to have expectations, but not crash down when things don't work out the way I hoped. The truth is, I just don't know how to get to that place. I will never apologize for wanting a good, peaceful, drama-free life. I just have to get to a place where I can deal with the letdown without feeling upset, and defeated. Without blaming myself. Without the temptation to throw the baby out with the bath water, and deem the entire thing bad.

I obviously need to find balance in this before I go crazy. I suppose it's a matter of handing every situation over to God, and allowing him to take my "cares". Sometimes that's hard too because as much as God has multifaceted wisdom beyond anything we know, I sometimes even feel like He lets me down. Does he really? No. He does circles around me when it comes to wisdom. But because I can't see things the way he sees them, My doubting Thomas ways come to the surface. I think it's a normal part of having a relationship with God. I've always thought that getting older means gaining a deeper understanding of things. But I'm feeling more confused then ever. I think I need a nap!