Have you ever just wanted to go up to someone in your life, put your hands on their shoulders, look into their eyes and say "you don't have to live like this!"? I go through this daily. I often say things like "I'm surrounded by crazy people". You might agree. However, I'm seeing more and more that I am surrounded by broken people. People that have made bad choices, and are fully reaping what they have sown. It breaks my heart to see it, yet there is nothing I can do. It's beyond frustration. It's borderline desperation...
I was having a conversation with my Sister-in-law yesterday. I mentioned that as much as I don't like my mom, I'm sad for her. I'm sad that on her death bed, she's going to look back, and see a life of wasted time, and a broken family. I don't say this to be mean, but my mom is bi-polar. I have friends that have the same condition, and can function normally thanks to medication, and therapy. My mom, however, refused the help she so desperately needed. As a result, she has lost everyone that she claimed to love, including me. There was help for her, all she had to do was accept it. She didn't have to live the way she was living. She didn't have to be abusive. I often mourn the relationship I could have had with her. While lots of other people say that I'm "like a daughter" to them, it doesn't fill the void that my mom should be filling, as much as I'm thankful for those people in my life. I don't think a mom is replaceable... If I wasn't invited to my daughters wedding because she couldn't trust me to behave myself, it would kill me. I don't understand how it could not even phase her.
Now with everything going on with Matt's family. Some days, it's hard to know which way is up. I guess being separated isn't suppose to be easy, and I know that Matt's parents are going through the same issues many rocky relationships go through, but there are SO many issues that could be handled if there was a willingness to get help. It's especially hard to see Matt's mom, who is trying to get help, and is trying to deal with everything-- then to see his Dad dwell in all of the things that brought him to this point. I feel such a spiritual heaviness around him.I feel like there is a battle for his soul going on, and the good guy isn't winning... I can almost hear Jesus say "Depend on me, I won't fail you! What, you're broken? That's great, I LOVE broken people!". Then the enemy on the other side saying "I bet if you took two of those pills you'd feel REALLY good!". It hurts my heart, and it's killing everyone involved. I just wish he could see what we see...
Their not the only ones. I see my niece. She is a beautiful child. She's smart, and funny, and knows the truth, yet is heading down a path of destruction, and hurt. Or my neighbor that is looking for love in all the wrong places. My sister who outright abuses her 4 daughters, and even though she has been sent to jail, and has had her children taken away more then once, continues to abuse them. Or the person in my life that is a prisoner of their own perfectionism, or the one that is all ego.
I'm not perfect. I struggle a lot. I struggle with keeping my emotions in check, and taking things too personally. I struggle with forgiveness. I struggle with my image, and what people think of me. I'm an emotional eater. I'm a mess! But by the sheer grace of God, I am a new creation, and God has given me a wonderful gift-- the gift of transformation. While I struggle with all of those things daily, I have been given a free gift-- new life. I can start fresh every day, every hour... I just wish I could convey to the people in my life that they can too. They don't have to live like this.
2 comments:
Hello. I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago. Not sure how I came across it, but this entry really caught my attention.
I'm getting ready to write a letter to my brother-in-law, because my sister told him a couple weeks ago she is filing for divorce. She is in counseling for co-dependence, yet he refuses counseling though he has multiple signs of personality disorder. He refused help or to take any responsibility. It doesn't make me angry at him, it makes my heart ache for how lost of a soul he is. I'm writing him a letter, as a Christian, to basically say what you said in your blog, "You don't have to live like this. There is help." He's going to lose his wife, his marriage, his house and be all alone. It's his deepest fear, yet he makes it the only possible conclusion.
Hi Christine!
I'm so sorry to hear what is going on with your brother-in-law. It's such a tough situation, especially because if someone doesn't want change, you can't make them. Which is exactly what is happening with my Father-in-law.
We believe my Father-in-law has a personality disorder as well, but upon visiting many doctors, he seems to be able to manipulate them enough to think he's okay. Such a mess! His biggest fear is being alone too...yet he's pushing everyone away.
I think you're doing the right thing by writing him a letter letting him know there is help. Be prepared that it might not make much difference to him, and it's quite likely that he'll continue to live this way. However, maybe once he hits rock bottom, he'll read those words again and choose to accept help. Sadly, some people have to lose everything before they are willing to pick themselves up and do what they have to do.
I'll be praying that God would work in your BIL's heart, and that he would help heal the wounds that he has caused your sister, and family. Hang in there!!
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